English mum..Bengali/Muslim dad.

[Halzer]

Hi mums...

Anybody out there married to a Bengali or Muslim man?
I soooo need to find women who understand my situation and this is the first mums website that I have found with this sort of catagory.

Anyway....Im am swimming in boredom at the moment
. I got married in 2001 to my bengali b/friend of 8 years. I also converted to Islam.
Now I have a DD aged 2 and a DS, 4 months....but in the process of becoming a wife and mum I lost contact with half of my friends, and the other half "dont get my lifestyle"
My head is spinning with all the pressure from my in-laws.....
Anyone out there in a similar position...?
I would love to chat with ya'll

Woah..I havent been back here since last year, (naughty me!) and when I logged on today I see that my thread is at the top of the page.

Its great to see more people who are 'in my boat'.Since I started this thread things are going good now.

My mum and father in-law are now in Bangladesh and we are building a house out there as they want to retire out there. I still have to deal with my two faced, trouble making Bhabi, but I hardly see her these days so all is good on that front.
These days I am wearing pretty much what I want to wear. When I got married I was on a 'sari only' order from my inlaws, but now I wear flared trousers, long tops and some times Asian style trouser suits. My sari's only come out for special occasions.
I agree that names are difficult to choose when you have mixed raced kids. I didnt mind my kids having a muslim name, but I didnt want it too sound too Asian. I choose Nayimah for my now 2 and half DD, but you may notice that I spell it with a 'Y' in it, instead of the usual 'Naima' because I have heard people incorrectly pronounce it as 'Name-a' instead of 'Ny-ee-ma'. It has worked coz when Igo to the Doctors etc. they always call our her name correctly.
My 1 year old son is Ihsan.
Anyway..feel free to drop me a message anyone. I cant even remember if we can do that here
Halzer (halimah)

Hello, slightly off topic here, but could any of you who are Muslim tell me if you would find it offensive to see someone else (non-muslim) eating something like ham or sausage sandwich in the workplace? I worry a little about offending my Muslim workmates!

sorry, Mixed, I was lost in my world! My boys names are Eric and George. I know their a bit boring, but it took as ages to find something we agreed on. Football helped a bit. Man U Fan

I have just read some of the messages about In-laws, and it sounds very intresting. I am Bengali and my partner is White. I am sooo gald i did not get married to a asia. They are all mummys boys, I very sorry to say! They all want to please their mums before you.
My partner is very independant and his family are lovely, most of the time. But we are in London and their up North. But they don't tell me how to rise my kid and I get all the gossip, with out getting in too deep. And my family are Ok too, although they do try to presser me to see the kids. I go 2-3 times a month. My mumd does have a go a me, when she has not seen the kids, for a while. But I just explian that their dad wants to spend some time with them. And my famliy don't compline about the fact that my kids don't speak. I mean they can learn if they want to, and they do live in England and they are half white. Again, I am soo glad!!!

Jennifersofia - quick reply to your question... I only speak for myself, but my faith is personal to me and those with whom I have an intimate relationship (i.e. my family). I've got no problem with friends or colleagues eating pork although sometimes if it's something smelly like bacon or gory I will choose to move away - it's my choice and I think it would be wrong to tell other people not to eat in front of me.

However, someone I met through antenatal yoga did come round to my house once with her baby - she hadn't had time to have lunch so had bought a packed lunch, including a ham sandwich. I didn't say anything at the time, but I felt very uncomfortable with her eating it in my living room and then leaving the cling film wrapping with little bits of ham still in it on the worktop. I think the difference was that it was my home and personal space, and I feel much more strongly about what comes into that arena.

Hope this helps.

I would say the same about beef as themothership. I won't allow it in my home, if a friend brings it, I really can't sit and watch hem eat it - I've made them something else instead. No problems elsewhere tho.

I was v annoyed yest, went to mcdonalds drive thru, and when we got home we realised they had given us burgers instead of chick nuggets. I had brought them indoors and was not happy at all.

Hey Elmie! My DH ain't no Mummsie-boy and he's Bengali. And he supports Liverpool!!

LOL girlchick! My bengali DH is also a liverpool supporter.
I dont think my DH is a mummys boy either. He respects his parents of course, but if they want him to do something that he doesnt want to, he wont do it. After all, if he really was a mummy's boy then he wouldnt of married me in the first place!

Hi Halzer, and girlchick, Did not mean any offence by it, But I have met so many bengali mummys boy, here in London. Most of them get married to their asia girl friend and then they change as soon as they are married! to the shock of their wife. And Asia families also like to keep a hold of their boys. I know I have 5 brothers that my dad, treats as his personal bank! I was the black sheep you see!
Sorry again! I am sure your husbands are lovely,
I did not have a good relaionship with my dad, partly because I was a the only give in the house and their was alot of press on me. The asia boys I met were all-lets just say you would not touch them with a poll. I also lived in a white area, my dad did not like asia areas. Because people were noseie. So i met white men, who were lovely.

my in laws are all bengali's. and lots of them are complete and utter mummy's boys. oh, the y claim not to be, but when she says jump, they dont even bother asking how high, they just do it.
but not all of them.

my parents always favoured my brothers, then wonder why I rebelled, became the black sheep of the family and married a white guy!!!!

I'd seen what kind of life I would have had with an asian-having an entire cricket team of children and worn out hands from making chapattis and aloo gobi!!!!

My DH changed a month after we got married. He suddenly became all strict and traditional on me, having a go at me all the time for not cooking like his Mum, for not thinking like a Bengali etc. I think his Mum was pressurising him a lot. All back to normal now, but it was an awful first year (coz I didn't put up with it, refused to be a doormat and shouted back!). Looking back on it, I'm sort of glad that he was like that, cause his family think of me as Bengali now and that makes my life easier. He was like saying "This is my culture, learn it". But I still don't think he's a Mummy-boy, I think he's just desperate to please everyone. And don't forget, the route to paradise is at the feet of DH's Mother!!!

When I was in Bangladesh, the biggest culture shock I had was seeing how the Babi's are treated (I'm a very lucky Babi in comparison). This one Babi wasn't allowed anywhere without the permission of her MIL and was restricted to the kitchen and bathroom. That was it. She had to cook for the entire khandan by herself. She came for a walk with us around the grounds to the ponds (you know how much land they have ) and she got a complete and utter bing. She was crying and begging her MIL to forgive her. So when my MIL said "You didn't marry your DH, you married the family" I was like !

I agree with you girlchick, about the majority of bengali daughter inlaws getting a bad deal.
Even my MIL, who has four of us so far (two more potentially) plays us off against each other and complaining to the other ones, if one of us makes a mistake.
In the beginning DH and I had so much pressure put onto us my my MIL. There was only one other daughter inlaw there at that time and everyone in the house seemed to hate her, saying that she was lazy etc and that I had to be better that her. We didnt really get on because of that, and even today I dont trust her, but I have to say that my inlaws view of her does carry some weight, but seeing as she was only married at 16 and there were 10 people who she was expected to look after, maybe the way she was treated made her who she is today.
Now I dont live with them anymore I do pretty much what I like. Im learning to drive and I go out with my kids when I want.
When I go back to my inlaws house I still stick to my principles.
The best thing for me is that now my MIL sees that 'english' daughter inlaws arent so bad she is always complaining about the two below me, saying how they never give her rice or wake up in the morning to give her breakfast etc. I did all that so now it makes her 'all bengali wives do thi so you must too' speech look stupid..hehehe

"the route to paradise is at the feet of DH's Mother!!! "

PMSL, I think you'll find your route to paradise at your mothers feet.

I've always told my husband he can be as nice to his mother as he likes, if he wants to massage her feet, cook and clean for her, that's so up to him.

He didn't however get a free maid for the entire clan when he married me. It's not my duty to be the skivvy, and it's my right to live in a seperate environment from my in-laws.
I'm Indian btw so is my husband so no big cultural shock, but still having been born and bought up over here, I found it a bit of a shock, when dp took us all to India for a holiday....and then expected me to cook and clean for him his parents and the two utter cows that are his sisters (who were at that point still living at home). Whilst he really did have a holiday. So I packed my bags and went to visit my maternal uncles for several weeks.

i acctually had a culture shock when i met the asians borna nd brought up in this country. not all of course, as too big a lot of people to stereotype like this, but they are far worse than anyone 'back home'
dont know anyone 'back home # who is expectedd to cook and clean for the entire khandan, but lots of people her e think it is the norm.

Need some advice!!

Two of my DH's Fou-fous are coming from Manchester to London next week for a court hearing (re. immigration). They will be staying overnight with us on the Tuesday and then going to court for Wednesday morning. Although we have known about this for about 2 months, my DH told me yesterday that they will also be staying Wednesday night!!! He has known ALL ALONG!!!

I leave for work on Wenesday at 11.30am and get home at 9.30pm. My Mum looks after DS (8 mths), and comes to our flat to put him to bed at 7pm. It's too late for me to take the Wednesday as holiday - why did my DH not tell me 2 months ago?? - and cannot swap shifts as that would involve me having to stay overnight at my Mum's on Tuesday with DS!

My DH said it is really culturally embarrassing for him to take time off work to look after his Fou-fous, that it is the wife's job, and is really cross with me.

What should I do???????

Hi,

I had no idea how many other white british women there are around married to Bengali boys.

My other half was born in Bangldesh but moved here aged 6. we spent 6 years as a couple without telling his parents, which caused my Mum huge stress as she was convinced he was going to run off and marry a good bengali girl!

We then had 2 years engaged before a huge bengali wedding followed by a traditional british registry office and marquee wedding( with plenty of booze).

I think so far we've been very lucky as we spent a lot of time talking about things before we got married, I also managed to get in touch with another slightly older couple who were mixed Bengali/white british who we spent a time talking with.

Having a six month old baby has given us more food for thought, but so far so good.

The name thing was actually more upseting for my family who got very, very upset when we chose 2 names with 'asian' flavour. One, Omar we thought was pretty neutral and the other, Shamsul we just liked. I was amazed how much fuss my open minded liberal family kicked up, so we ended up putting my maiden name in there aswell and all everone was happy.

We nearly didn't as we are very cautious at being pushed around. In the end we decided that they were right and he needed some Britishness in his name aswell. Sometimes I think we think too much about the bengali side of the family's feelings too much as there are so many obvious cultural traditions and foget about the the equally important beliefs of the others, even if they are athiests.

My in-laws are lovely, no real problems. They do they never say what they want so it's lots of second guessing and I'm sure we sometiimes offend. I've decided to make lots of effort with them but there is no way I'm getting pushed aroound.

They do speak Bengali infront of me. I have a smattering, but have had great difficulty finding classes.

My theory is it's better to understand so the Aunties can't talk about you in front of you!

The big debate for us at the moment is circumcision.I'm ok with it being done, but it's my hsband's job to organise it. My parents aren't happy but the are going to have to lump this one.

Goodness I've just realises what a ramble I've written, must be being alone with the baby too much!

Bye!
PS Farah was another name we thought of if that's helpful

girlchick, show them the kitchen and tell them they're free to cook for the lot of you for when you return home exhausted from work.....

Culturally not accepted for dh to take a day off work my eye. Tell your dh if he'd given you time you'd have taken the day off, as you can now not do so, it's his call, as they are his fou-fous.

Either way it won't kill them to spend the day on their own I'm sure.

RE; names, old testament names are pretty good if your looking for neutral names, ej Adam, Ahraham, Ishmael....

Analo if you want to have your son circumcised it's best to have it done earlier rather than later...

Annalo..

I am getting my son circumsised in may and he is one. I would have liked to get it done earlier!
Your right about language classes. You can only learn the 'offical' bengali language, but my DH speaks the Slyheti dialect which you cant find classes for. I dont understand why as most of the bengali's in London are from Sylhet.
Anyway, I learnt bengali from my inlaws. My MIL cnt speak english and neither can my younger SIL's so I had to learn really, or else family gathering would be just a load of noise for me

Thanks fuzzywuzzy. I can understand why DH is upset, if it were my relatives travelling a long way, I'd like someone to be there for them too. DH phoned me earlier anyway and was all lovey-dovey so think he was feeling guilty bout being mean to me last night! Too right.

Annalo - I had DS circumcised at 2 weeks old! Was very insistant on that. I had Sylheti evening classes a few years ago in Bethnal Green (Borough of Tower Hamlets). Very useful. They may still do classes.

You found Sylheti classes girlchick!!
I guess I was looking in the wrong place as I was living in the Westminster borough when I got hitched, so I concentrated my search there. Back in those days my inlaws probably wouldn't have let me go to Bethnal Green anyway..hhhm!
Regarding my sons circumsicion, I would have loved to do it sooner but there is some family politics involved..as usual!! My elder bhabi have 2 sons aged 10 and 8, and they still havent been done yet. When we wanted to get our son done at 3 months, she says that we cant do it until her kids are done. OMG she's had 10 years!! Anyway they still havent been done so DH has rang 'desh and told his mum that we are getting our son circumsised on the next available appointment,which is may. The bhabi is sure to kick up a fuss!
Regarding you hou-fous coming- am I right in thinking that they are coming tonight? Or is it next tuesday? Just be extra nice to them tonight, coz like you said, they are going to court tomorrow and that may take some time. Maybe by the time they get home they will be tired and go to sleep, so when you get home they wont really notice that you were gone for long?
LOL..all my guesswork probably isnt any help

Thanks Halzer. I too am hoping they will be knackered after a day out at the courts and will want to go straight to bed!

For Sylheti courses, check

\link{http://www.towerhamlets.gov.uk/data/learning/data/lifelong-learning.cfm\this} site. Click under courses: languages. I think Sylheti is page 119. Have to go, DS vomiting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Sorry, DS is fine! Been quite sicky past few days, not sure why.

Re: circumcision. When my DS was done at 2 weeks, his 1 yr old cousin & 4 yr old cousin were to be done at same time in our flat. The 4 yr old had an absolute fit and REFUSED to be done. Tell your Babi that islamically, it is considered the earlier the better, and also that you don't want to put your little one under any unecessary stress by having it done at such a late age. They will carry the memory of the circumcision with them for life, poor things. It is of course up to her when her children have it done, but likewise it is up to you when yours are done! Invite her to bring her children along too? Get done together?