What do think about interracial relationships

[jadey0885]

Hi
Being in an interracial relationship and having 2 children who are dual heritage we have faced a lot of scrutiny from a lot of people.
I'm white and my partner is black/Jamaican.
We have been together for the past 13 years and have always remained strong. We are still young with both of us in our early 30's.
There has been times that I have approached people for to the looks and mutters and so has my partner.
My eldest daughter has already had racial slurs made towards her.

I have never understood why people can be so horrible towards a relationship.
I have always been a person to think"whoever you fall in love with is who you fall in love with" not looking at the colour,gender etc.

What do you all think of interracial relationships? And have you ever experienced anything

Thanks

@potter5
So sad. We will continue to be strong.

@CatherineOfAragonsPomegranate
I totally understand what your saying as I have a friend who is mixed rave and there dad is black. One child came out looking mixed race and the other black.

I suppose it would depend on how they use it. I don't tho k I agree with you when it comes to ignorance. To be fair they shouldn't have said anything at all.

@CatherineOfAragonsPomegranate
But I do really appreciate your comment

@Gwilt160981
Thanks for your support

Hi OP,

I am very sorry to hear that you, your partner and your children have experienced such negativity.

I am the daughter of an interracial marriage. The same as you guys, My Mum is white and my Dad was Black/Jamaican.
We were a happy and loving family growing up, I couldn't have asked for better parents.
We lived in a predominantly white town where we were the only black / interracial family for miles. We were very lucky as children that we didn't experience any major racist incidents.
However my parents sadly suffered an awful lot of racism when they met and long afterwards in the 60's and 70's.
I can remember my Mum saying that local people would often make racist comments and say the marriage wouldn't last. They stayed together for better or worse for 45 years, long after many of the racist scum had gone through divorces.

Both of my parents worked incredibly hard to give us everything we needed. They scrimped and saved to make sure we had a nice home in a good area and myself and my siblings will be forever grateful to them for that.
In particular, I couldn't be prouder of my Jamaican Dad, he was my hero, a man who worked from the moment he arrived in Britain until the moment ill health forced him to retire. He faced a huge amount of racism for daring to be a Black man in a largely white town. He looked 'scary' to many white people until they took the time to get to know him. For those who didn't, it was their loss.

I am very proud of my dual Jamaican and British heritage, I feel it gives me a unique awareness of what it feels like to have a foot in both camps in some ways. I do consider myself to be Black British and I would not change a single thing about my heritage given the chance.

The main ingredient for a family is love and you and your partner are providing this for your family.

In 2020 it still amazes me that racism exists to the extent it does especially somewhere as multicultural as London. It is very sad that you have experienced vile comments from young people too. When will the cycle ever end?

The racist comments hurt, but they usually stem from total ignorance. I'm sure you teach your children to be proud of their dual heritage. They should grow up with confidence about their family history and pride.

Don't let any negativity about your relationship or your children's dual heritage spoil your happy family.

Apologies for writing so much, I just relate to you and wanted to offer my support.

I wish you and your family great happiness for the future x

My kids are biracial and although there's the idea that with multicultural relationships / kids that it's the "best of both worlds", my kids actually feel excluded from both cultures.

They don't feel white enough or Chinese enough, like they're caught in the middle and not accepted by either side.

Sometimes they talk about "passing for white" (which I find horrific! I don't say so to them), because they don't look fully East Asian and strangers don't know their background. It worries me because I have experienced racism and part of me thinks it's unavoidable for my children; but maybe if they "pass for white" they won't suffer it here in the UK

And whilst my DH is completely accepting of and loves me it is some times difficult to discuss racism with him because it's not anything he has had to deal with. He doesn't think or experience the world through that perspective.

Tbh I think it’s not all blatant racism but that some of it has to do with the link some people make between race and culture. Because the truth is that culture cancreate differences and issues within a relationship, so e.g. we get a lot of posts on here from OP’s who express upset that their partners still give money to their family or the MIL wants to move in, and if asked then it transpires that he is of certain Asian cultures where this is the norm so explains it. But presumably if someone saw the same couple out they might make those same assumptions and links without knowing the background.

As for asking where someone is from, while I certainly think that there are less crass ways of wording it, I also think that heritage is very interesting, and invariably someone who is of a different race will have family who came from somewhere else even if they themselves were born here.

To be fair they shouldn't have said anything at all.

Yes I agree that was bloody rude.

SickOFant, thank you for your perspective and I sort of understand your 'white saviours' observations that may be made or thought in some quarters. I am horrified and deeply sorry that you have been subjected to 'black men's meat' comments;
beyond belief, almost, except that I know full well that such things are said.

The only assumption that my partner and I have been subject to (that I am aware of - though I don't know what is said behind our backs), is that she is only with a white Western male as a 'meal ticket' or an escape from poverty in a developing African country, so, yes, the 'white saviour' perception may well be a truism in that predjudiced and biggoted oafs think that.

This is laughable - I am a reasonably well educated, articulate and intelligent sort of chap, but I am an intellectual pygmy in comparison to my partner who holds a doctoral degree, has travelled much more widely than me, worked in various diverse countries and will be out earning me many times over, once her career has stabilised, and runs rings around me in terms of her knowledge of economics, politics, social awareness and oh so many other facets of life! She has also always paid her own way and supported herself and her daughter throughout her studies, academic career and working life. Likewise, my step daughter, who is aiming for a PhD herself in due course, will also, undoubtedly, make her own mark on the world.

'Meal ticket', 'route out of poverty'? Absolute bunkum - we are together simply because we love one another, irrespective of skin colour or racial origin. And I am enormously proud of them both

@AlternativePerspective I get your points here but to assume there is a cultural difference just because of skin colour is racist. It's the assumption that's the problem, people don't wait to be told that interracial couples have/don't have cultural differences, they just assume it to be the case.

As an example, I used to date a posh white bloke. He was rock solid upper middle class. Despite our shared colour, culturally we were absolutely worlds apart and there was no way in hell we could've sustained a relationship with our cultural clashes.

So what I mean is that culture isn't just rooted in race. Same-raced couples aren't necessarily culturally compatible and mixed race couples don't necessarily have cultural differences.

Your second point on heritage. Yes heritage is absolutely fascinating but it is downright fucking racist to ask someone of colour where they are from or where they are really from, especially if you've only just met them. My DP loves talking about his heritage because it's complex (his mum is white Irish traveller, his dad is half Trinidadian, quarter Scottish, quarter Japanese) but would be at a stranger asking about this.
No-one asks white people where they're from or what their heritage is.

@HappyExteriorSadInterior
This was so touching. It moved me so much. The things your parents went through are sad. And I'm glad they both stuck by each other through thick and thin.
I think what people don't realise is that we are all human.
You should be so proud of your parents and i send so much love to you, your parents and siblings.
It's not easy.

Thank you so much for your support it really does mean a lot to me and my family.

My children(especially my eldest) is fully aware of everything. Down to her history, her heritage.

I send so much love to you xxx

@ChanChanChan
I am really sorry you feel like this.
Your children should be very proud of what they are. Teaching your children there history will also help. I think speaking with your partner about it one day may open there eyes to how you feel. Don't hold back. Your not hurting there feelings.

Please do stay strong. Your not in this alone my love. You can always post on here for some advice..x

@AlternativePerspective
I have to agree with @SickOFant..

I feel as though the 'reverse' situation of white man, black woman is much more tolerated and acceptable than white woman, black man.

This is definitely true in the media - every other ad is white man, black woman but you almost never see the reverse or any other interracial combination; every other drama involves a white man with a black woman. It's the same with the heteronormative in the media, far more portrayals of two women in a lesbian relationship than two men.

Your wife and step-daughter sound awesome @Beekeeper1

What I meant (really badly worded) was that there are all sorts of assumptions about men and women who are in mixed race relationships. As you said, black women (esp. non-British) are assumed to be with their white men as a meal ticket and white men who are with black women are assumed to either have a fetish or to be 'settling' for a woman in need (hence white saviour). I think these stereotypes are a lot less pervasive and carry fewer negative connotations hence why white man/black woman relationships are, I think, tolerated more than the other way around

People rarely assume that there are 'reasons' that a white person is going out with another white person. It's just assumed to be love rather than the result of some kind of fetish or nefarious motivation (age difference relationships are, I think, the exception here).

@ SickOFant god no there’s no question that just blurting out “where is he really from?” From a stranger is bloody rude.

I think from that perspective as I got to know someone it would be something which would interest me rather than just needing to know but then I grew up abroad and so I find all of it fascinating.

Re race VS culture, I think that much of it is unpleasant stereotyping which probably needs addressing but how you do that I’m not sure.

E.g. I have a friend who married a Nigerian who came over here to be with her. The immediate assumption from others was that he must have married her for a visa because A, he’s Nigerian, and B, she has multiple health problems so they wonder why he would want to marry her.

Stereotypes/prejudice on both sides.

I'm mixed Jamaican/English and my husband is White English. I'm the 1st person of colour he has ever dated so he really struggled in the beginning as lost friends due to our relationship, I think he was quite naive to the fact that racism is still so prevalent in today's society.

We have one daughter and one on the way, she looks white has light hair and eyes and very fair skinned. We regularly get asked if I'm her biological mother 🙄🙄 .

The thing is we live in a very multicultural city so you would think people would be used to seing interracial families, but clearly not 🤷🏽‍♀️

Thank you @SickoFant - they are awesome!

Your last post is, I think, spot on, especially in respect of no assumptions being made about two white people being together, but the reverse being true of mixed race relationships, whichever way around that may be.

However, I am derailing the OP's thread, so will keep my beak out for a while!

@csmw
100%agree.

@AlternativePerspective I get you. I think it's about finding a moment to have those conversations. And, yes, totally agree about prejudices on all sides!

@csmw Sometimes I actually think this stuff is worse (or at least more blatant) in multi-cultural contexts. Me and DP have always lived together in white, middle class suburbia but I grew up on a council estate in Birmingham which was very culturally and racially mixed.

As a kid in this very mixed environment, because everyone was used to dealing with people from all sorts of cultures and backgrounds, we had conversations and made comments about race a lot more openly and directly. Obviously some of these were offensive.

As we've moved out to more white, middle class areas, I haven't seen the same kind of blatant talk about race but much more insidious stuff. I think because there are no black people apart from DP around here, people don't know how to deal with the race thing or how to talk about race so people don't openly mention it.

I don't know if that makes any sense!!

@Beekeeper1
Everyone's comments are welcome on here. Everything that everyone is saying all has points to it.

I might be the OP but it's lovely hearing your views and support

@SickOFant
I totally agree with what you are saying. People clearly don't know how to deal with the fact there is a black male around the area, or how they will look at you both in a relationship. All we gotta do is stay strong.

One of my friends is Tamil, married to a white English guy. They have 2 kids under 10 and she and her kids were recently subjected to a load of racist abuse on holiday in Cornwall.

My sibling is married to a second generation Jamaican. As far as I know they have not experienced racism, neither have their children. They live in outer London.

Another friend is black, of Trinidadian heritage, married to a white guy. No racism experienced and we are in a small (not very ethnically diverse) town.

Interracial relationships, same sex relationships, age gap relationships - none "bother" me. As long as people are happy then who they chose to marry/live with is none of my business.

I find it appalling on this day and age that people are so narrow-minded.

Thanks for starting this thread, OP. Me and DP talk about this stuff a lot but we basically agree on it all so it's just covering old ground.

Its nice to have others to share experiences and perspectives with who are going through the same thing.