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Multicultural families

Here's where to share your experience of raising a child or growing up in a multicultural family.

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Original poster

Muslim DH, just had DS. I don't want to circumcise

197 replies

LittleMissRayofHope · 09/02/2015 18:48

I don't want to do it.
I don't see the need or point.
As far as I am concerned it is a completely unneeded surgical procedure that removes a part of my sons body without his consent.
DH does want it done though.

There is a likely split up on the near horizon as well and I'm worried that even if I refuse he could just do it during contact one time. He is on both cert and as its a private procedure he wouldn't need my consent would he?

OP posts:

CultureSucksDownWords · 24/02/2015 16:41

Myboy, the law is very clear on this. Both parents need to consent and the medical practitioner should check this. If one parent doesn't consent the circumcision must not be performed unless/until the other parent has a court order to proceed. There has been at least one link on this thread to the relevant explanation of this.

Just because you weren't asked and it wasn't checked doesn't mean it isn't against the law! It just means that whoever did your son's circumcision is not following proper procedure.

I also don't see how the fathers opinion carries more weight than the mothers in this scenario.

Myboy354 · 24/02/2015 16:48

If you read my message properly i said I wish he didn't have to have it done!
Like i also said, it was something DH & i had discussed beforehand so it wasn't much of an issue! My son was 6 weeks when he had the procedure done, 17 months later it hasn't affected him one bit!

SirChenjin · 24/02/2015 16:56

So why did you go ahead with it? You didn't want it done, your son didn't give you permission to cut off part of his body - what clinic was it that went ahead anyway?

CultureSucksDownWords · 24/02/2015 16:57

Why did your DH's wish to circumcise for non medical reasons outweigh your reluctance to do it?

I'm glad your DS has not had any negative effects so far bar the pain of the actual op and the healing afterwards. However that's really not a reason to recommend it to others at all.

Italiangreyhound · 26/02/2015 17:08

myboy you said My son was 6 weeks when he had the procedure done, 17 months later it hasn't affected him one bit!

How do you know how it will affect his sensations in his penis?

The sooner adults stop thinking they can control their children's bodies for non-medical practice the better. I think there will be a time when we will see it as cruel and wrong, it is probably just going to take a very long time.

anya79 · 26/02/2015 17:25

Its a no brainer id be upset if my partner was discussing this with strangers not me. You're in a marriage discuss it. Should have been discussed before having kids but better late than never.

If its done do it early. My brothers had it done very old and it was painful and needed stitiches. Within first few days or months is best. I had my sons done after his vaccines 3 months.after half a day of discomfort the following day he was behavibg as norm. No stitches needed on small kids its a more minor procedure. Anway discuss with him not here you need to agree.if u cant agree on this what of other rekigious issues? I see problsms ahead

SirChenjin · 26/02/2015 17:30

Anya - there is a split on the horizon. The OP is worried that he will inflict this awful practice on his young son during his contact time. This isn't really a discussion that she can have - or even wants to (and I don't blame her)

anya79 · 26/02/2015 17:35

Oh silly me chenji thanks for pointing that out. i think you should speak to solictor and your gp might advise you too. Its sad when things turn soar like this. I wish you the best he shouldnt do this in the middle of a seperation.

ButterflySandwich · 28/02/2015 23:38

Nightingalemumoftwo - completely disagree with you about lack of sensitivity. My DH is circumcised and most DEFINATLY has no issues in that department!!!!

Both my DS have been circumcised. My eldest was done in a procedure at home. That isn't recommended now so my youngest was done at the hospital privately by a surgeon. Both were done at 2 weeks old. No problems whatsoever and their bits look better imo than non circumcised.

I think that if you agreed with your partner initially, it's unfair on him if you suddenly change your mind. It may have been a deciding factor for him regarding having children with you. Are you perhaps changing your mind because you're having marital problems? Thats not fair on your DH.

It's also potentially unfair on your DS who may end up having it done when he's an adult if, say, he wants to marry a Muslim woman, of which circumcision would be a requirement. Religiously and culturally. She wouldn't go near him without it done! And really, to have it done as an adult isn't the easiest of decisions to make, could make him resent you.

CultureSucksDownWords · 28/02/2015 23:48

How is what the circumcised/uncircumcised penis looks like relevant or important in this discussion?!

Or whether the child might in the future want to marry someone who insists on circumcision? Removing a part of a baby because of one possible future circumstance is ridiculous.

The OP has also been quite clear that her reluctance is based on the actuality of her DS being now here, and not wanting to do any harm to him or cause him pain. Yes it's unfortunate that she changed her mind, but people do change their minds about many things once their babies actually arrive.

The status quo is to leave the baby uncircumcised. If it becomes important to the child when he is old enough to understand then he can have it done if he wants to. Why should the decision be taken away from him - it's his body after all!

Pantone363 · 28/02/2015 23:58

DS was circumcised for medical reasons at 4 years old

I had to take him to the GP everytime he had an infection as proof I wasn't just after a free circumcision

When I met with the surgeon (nearly retired) he said how glad he was that they do so few circumcisions these days and that it is a painful procedure no matter what age. The penis doesn't suddenly become more sensitive as you age.

As an aside ex and I were divorced at this point and at no stage was his consent to treatment checked.

SirChenjin · 01/03/2015 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ButterflySandwich · 01/03/2015 19:49

SirChenjin just because someone doesn't share the same views as you do, does not mean you can personally attack them. Your comment is incredibly rude

SirChenjin · 01/03/2015 19:56

You don't like the fact that I am challenging your belief that circumcision is right because the penis of a young baby that has had its foreskin cut off without that baby's permission is believed by an adult to 'look better' - or that baby might grow up and not be able to marry a Muslim woman because she wouldn't go near him?

Tough.

quietus · 20/03/2015 08:12

My DH was circumsized when very small, only because of his father's religious beliefs. It was SUCH A TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE FOR ME that I don't want to have any more children only because I don't want to go through this again. It has also affected my feelings towards my partner, and that is unfortunatelly not going to change. I cry many times when I think of that and I feel very guilty, and I always will.
Call me irrational or whatever you like, but this is how it is.

quietus · 20/03/2015 08:13

PS. Sorry, I made a mistake in my previous post: it should be DS instead of DH :)

AmyLeeha · 20/03/2015 08:34

The OP married a man of a religion that expects this to be done, so she can't change her mind? It's unfair to him? She should have thought about that before?

Well, her DH married a woman not of his religion, so HE should have thought about that before (that she might change her mind).

Primafacie · 01/04/2015 00:02

Just to add a few facts to this very emotional thread:

there are plenty of health benefits associated with circumcision: www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/04/140402133855.htm
worldwide one man in three is circumcised
numerous before/after studies have been conducted specifically around the sensitivity/pleasure issue. Circumcision does not cause loss of sensitivity or sexual enjoyment.
current health advice in the US is in support of circumcision.
infant circumcision heals faster, has less complications and is a more minor procedure than when done later in life.

Harvey246 · 06/04/2015 22:36

OH is also Muslim and I had similar thoughts while pregnant luckily we had a girl but obv it could become an issue in the future. I know it's massively important to him as part of identity/culture so I kind of resigned myself to it but I'm not sure how I would have felt in the reality if we had had a boy.

CheekyWeeGandT · 06/04/2015 23:07

My DS has been referred to hospital for possible circumcision. He is 4. I don't particularly want it done but, if it needs to be done, I dont want to wait til he is older. This thread is making me worried about whether it is the right thing to do. It is for a medical reason but I still would prefer to avoid an op on such a sensitive part of the body.
OP, my heart goes out to you.

LeahLeah · 06/04/2015 23:19

I'm not anti-circumcision, but there is no way on Gods beautiful green Earth that I would agree to something that I didn't feel was necessary for my child, and I thought would hurt them.
Also, I think that if your husband wants to bring the child up as a Muslim he should probably start acting like one himself..... Doesn't pray which is fard (obligatory) in Islam and differentiates a Muslim from a non-muslim, yet wants to circumcise??
Anyway, tell him The Prophet Musa did his own circumcision as an old man, and you want baby boy to make his own decision.
If he fails to reason, tell him if he lets you take a blade to his todger first then you'll let him do the babies once his has healed! ;) xx

Heebiejeebie · 11/06/2015 20:09

People talking about medical benefits would do better to lop off the top of their children's ears as these are common sites for skin cancer in later life. Or would it be weird to snip off a perfectly healthy bit of skin. The only possible justification is medical need or 'God wants me to'. And if you don't believe in that God or His thirst for children's foreskins, then it is really hard to imagine why you would ask someone to wound your child.

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