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Original poster

How much do I charge my 20 yr old daughter to live at home?

196 replies

mumofthreex · 12/02/2010 20:51

I would like to know what is the normal amount, and how much it costs to keep them, especially how much I should charge without me making profit. I am a working single mum and buy all her food and make her dinners, special vegetarian meats too.
Anyone who does this for their child and can give any kind of amount they take and breakdown of what it goes to.
This would really help us out as we're having trouble agreeing on what's an appropriate amount.

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
SpottyMuldoon · 12/02/2010 22:51

I may be in the same boat as OP soon as I still get CTC for DD1 as she's still at college. When she starts working I'll lose £50 per week but the bills/food etc will be the same. So she'll have to contribute.

If I could afford to save up her contribution to give her as a deposit I'd do it. Like some people save up the Child Benefit every month and put it towards extras - nice if you can afford it.

I just don't get parents who wouldn't expect some financial contribution from a working adult child. These adults are going to get a hell of a shock when they move out and have to pay for everything themselves.

PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 12/02/2010 22:52

bollocks - I know so many 20-25yo that live for free at home. When they have to pay rent out of their meagre salary they get the shock of their life!

Learning at 16/18/21/whenever you start earning that you have to start paying your way is a valuable lesson. Too many kids at 22 don't have to pay a penny, earn plenty of cash at a full time job and don't know what the fuck to do when faced with £700 a month rent.

gaelicsheep · 12/02/2010 22:55

You don't prepare someone for future physical pain by inflicting physical pain now, just so they'll get used to it. You prepare them mentally and by education. Same goes for finances IMO. I'm sure all young people do realise they will have to pay their own bills when they get their own place. That is offset by the greater freedom and the satisfaction of having one's own home and it's called growing up.

I can understand the OPs position, as she's presumably lost out on CTC etc. and if she genuinely needs the money then fair do's. Presumably her daughter realises this too and will hopefully understand that she's not being charged rent to live in her own home.

But if a parent is not in the OPs position, and is doing this purely to teach their child a lesson for the future, well that just doesn't makes any sense to me at all.

usualsuspect · 12/02/2010 23:00

Its the same mentality as the my house my rules bollocks ..actually its their house as well ..

cat64 · 12/02/2010 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

gaelicsheep · 12/02/2010 23:05

I'm wondering if I should get my 3 year old DS to choose a toy or book to sell every month or so as a way of paying back some of his food costs - you know, so he gets used to the fact that life isn't a free ride.

But then, I don't believe in children doing chores in return pocket money either. It's putting adult values into a child's world - a whole different topic of course.

SpottyMuldoon · 12/02/2010 23:10

I wish I'd taken the idea of putting money aside more seriously when I was younger. I suspect that a lot of MNers would think it odd that people don't save but if I could do it over again I'd encourage DDs to save from an early age and would have saved a bit here ant there for them when I could now that they could do with a bit of a windfall to see them on their way.

Saying that, DD2 has started saving now she's in Sixth Form and always manages to put part of her EMA aside whereas DD1 tends to spend what she has and live from one payment to the next.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is, if the contribution isn't essential to the household income, then encouraging a 'save first and spend what's left' attitude is always going to be beneficial whether the money goes towards their 'keep' or to help them start out on their own.

CornishKK · 12/02/2010 23:11

I'm with you cat64, as long as I was in full time education then I could live at home for free - but contribute to the household by helping with cooking, cleaning etc. As soon as I was not in FTE I had to pay my way and I think my Mum was right. My Mum actually charged me 50% of my first salary, still way cheaper than living anywhere else. And I still had proportionally way more to spend on getting pissed and goth clothes than I do now.

And when it came to leaving home, my Mum acted as guarantee on my first mortgage because I did not earn enough to get a mortgage of £28k . When I lived on my own real life was not a shock to me.

I will do the same for my DC.

gaelicsheep · 12/02/2010 23:11

When DS grows up I will take the same view that my parents did, ie I will educate him to understand the future costs of living away from home and ensure he understands that he must save a good proportion of any earned income to put towards his future life. Sitting down and going through the figures so that they understand the realities of living on their own is just fine and very sensible. It is artificially imposing that situation while they're still at home that I find very odd.

But then I never had any idea of staying at home for long once I left university. In fact I effectively left home in my second uni year when I met my future DH and we got a flat. I had a life to lead and a career to follow, and I wasn't going to be doing that from my parents' house.

humptynumpty · 12/02/2010 23:17

I think the point is that kids should realise that life isn't for free. When my kids are older and working full time, I don't have a problem with them living at home, but I do think they should contribute.
Suppose your dc was earning £150 per week. If you pay their rent/accomodation (by letting them stay home), heating, power, food, water, council tax etc... what do they actually learn? that they have £150 to spend on what the hell they like basically.
Fair enough, some kids will save, save, save to afford deposits etc for their own place, but alot of kids will just piss it up the wall and spend it on shit like macdonalds dinners, clothes they don't need etc....
Why should I support that lifestyle where they have a huge disposable income? I don't have £150 a week to spend on any old shit I like, a treat for me is buying a nice magazine or a box of cream cakes??

SpottyMuldoon · 12/02/2010 23:19

So you would encourage saving a proportion of earned income, gaelicsheep? How is that different to expecting a contribution to the household if it's costing money to have the adult child living there?

If the household requires the extra income then it should go towards those expenses. If not, then it can be saved until the adult child needs it. Either way they are learning that not reasonable to treat all their income as disposable.

Valpollicella · 12/02/2010 23:22

Hardly the equivalent of asking a three year old to sell a toy every month!

I worked while at college and I felt like it would be a Good Thing to contribute to the household finances. As I said before my mum was single at the time, so I wanted to help out. I woldn't have been able to accept living there while paying nothing and spanking my entire(quite healthy) wages on booze, cd;s and club entry.

Even though I was at college I felt like I should contribute accordingly. Even if my mum had said, ok now you're earning I think you should give me £xx per month, I would have been fine with that. Because it's only fair! Before I earned anything she would give me bus and lunch money - a big chink of money in a single income family.

So I had no qualms in paying my way. I earned, I payed. Simples

humptynumpty · 12/02/2010 23:25

gaelicsheep we are talking about a 20 year old not a child here.
If she is earning why shouldn't she contribute?
You are right, nobody would expect a school age child to contribute to household expenses, but what is wrong with asking another adult (fair enough your own flesh and blood) to contribute? If you stayed with a friend/relative for some reason e.g while you were between houses, wouldn't you want to contribute? I mean, as an adult earning money and living in another adults house???

gaelicsheep · 12/02/2010 23:26

SpottyMuldoon - it's the principle. As a parent I do not stop being responsible for my child's wellbeing just because they have reached working age, and I would never ever expect my child to contribute to household running costs in order to give me some/more disposable income. To save for their own future benefit is something quite different.

Slambang · 12/02/2010 23:26

I agree that when they finish full time education they should contribute financially.

I don't understand the view that grown up and earning children should be able to live scott free in a family without contributing at least a token amount. I think it sends a very strange message that I should spend every penny of the meagre salary I earn on bills, food, household mmaintenance but my adult offspring should live in the household and keep their entire income to themselves for treats.

About a third sounds fair to me.

gaelicsheep · 12/02/2010 23:32

One would presume of course that if a young adult living with their parents does pay rent then they no longer have to follow their parents' rules - ie they are treated like fully fledged adults as well and can do what they like, when they like, with whom they like? It works both ways. That would never have worked in my parents' house, hence I just wanted to move out and be independent.

usualsuspect · 12/02/2010 23:34

I left home at 18 ..I wanted my own house and rules ..If I was paying for it

gaelicsheep · 12/02/2010 23:35

In fact I suppose I can't understand any young adult who actually wants to still live at home at the ripe age of 20 or 25. It can't just be the free ride - I would have had a free ride I suppose - are they lacking independence of mind and ambition? If it's because they can't afford to move out, then it's all the more important that they are strongly encouraged to save their spare cash and not give it to mum and dad.

humptynumpty · 12/02/2010 23:39

gaelic fair enough for you, you wanted to move out and get on with your life.. but not all kids are like that.
It#s quite clear from the responses here that we are not talking about taking money from a teenager to save up to go on a cruise or something. We are talking about parents taking a contribution from the child and either using it to pay towards bills etc... or as some others have suggested, saving it up and then using it to help pay for a deposit later on etc...
Also why the hell should a teenager be allowed to live by their own rules in their parents house just because they are contributing? That is ridiculous. Obviously you would treat a 20 year old differently to a 12 year old, but you would still expect some of the same ground rules.
e.g. not allowing boy/girl friends to stay over, letting parents know if you are staying out all night, not playing stereos full volume all night etc... whatever is applicable to your own household.
I am 31 years old and have lived out of home since age 21, but even now, my mother would expect me to tell her if I was going to miss dinner, come home at a reasonable hour unless previously agreed with her, not bring blokes back for the night, not swear in front of her. These are my mother's expectations and it would be disrespectful for me not to follow them regardless of whether I was paying to stay there or not.

gaelicsheep · 12/02/2010 23:43

No, that's called a parent having their cake and eating it.

PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 12/02/2010 23:43

gaelicsheep - your analogy is hugely flawed!
of course a 20yo should be paying their way! nothing to do with punishment/teaching/lessons

If you're earning you should be paying your way. Doesn't matter if you're at your parents house or living on a friend's floor - you should contribute/

wubblybubbly · 12/02/2010 23:46

I paid about a quarter of my salary and bought all my own toiletries etc (my choice, I didn't like the stuff my mother bought).

I don't recall being asked but it was just what was done, everyone paid 'board' to their folks.

gaelicsheep · 12/02/2010 23:46

If you mean my 3 year old, I was being facetious.

UndomesticHousewife · 12/02/2010 23:46

BUt how are the kids going to afford to buy a place of their own if they are paying rent (the housekeeping money) as well as trying to save for a deposit on a house?

I'd rather not charge much and make them save it for a deposit. That's of course if I could afford to do that, I might be so skint that the dc's will have to run my household for me.

PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 12/02/2010 23:49

and yes - once you are paying rent at you parents house then there is an unspoken rule that you are all adults and you can come and go as you please

But there is also the rule that they are your parents, and you mustn't take the piss.

Kids that get a free ride from their parents, kids who haven't had a job until they leave Uni at 21, kids who get everything done for them - they're they useless shits that blame everybody else for they're misgivings.

Once your child is earning a living wage, they must pay their way (even if you save their rent and use it to help with a deposit). Tis the rule of the world. Anything else is sheltering them.