Lone mum asks "Ex's new wife supports him, why not us?"

[Matrushka]

I lived with my ex for nearly three years and we have a gorgeous 5 year old son.

When we split, three years ago, things were not great but eventually he agreed to a standing order of £200 a month in child maintenance.

A year ago he married, moved 50 miles out of London and has cut the maintenance to less than half, claiming he's earning less than before and that his solicitor has advised him he doesn't need to pay as much as he has a new family to support. Recently he said, in writing, that he revised the payment as I refused him access.

You've probably guessed that none of the above is true.

I didn't refuse ex access but I did insist on meeting his then wife-to-be and her son (he introduced our son to them without telling me). Is this unreasonable? I've since met them and ML sees his father, with them, every second Sunday. His father almost never sees him alone. Fortunately ML adores his stepbrother and gets on with stepmother.

Ex's stepson's father provides more than adequately for his own son.

Ex may not be earning as much, there is a recession going on and he does work in the events and entertainment industry however his wife, when I met her, made it very clear that she soesn't like his line of work. He used to mix with a lot of pretty women... She earns £45k a year working part time. She pays for her family's holidays and ex has recently bought himself a brand new car. Between them they have three properties (his are heavily mortgaged). She doesn't want to know about his maintenance, when I approached her, she said it was sour grapes on my part.

Grapes of financial wrath more like!

Anyone out there know any law that says she in anyway responisble for ML's lost maintenance? I earn a quarter of what she does (hopefully more now ML's in school)but I'm not in any way envious. I just think the system is unfair. Tried the CSA when we first split and they awarded me £16 a month! Ex is self emplyed and has a "creative" accountant.

If you guys tell me to move on, I will - and wait for the new 2011 child maintenance act to come in. It can't be any worse. It's scary to think what kind of justice we have.

I think you need a solicitor to advise you, tbh.
I am not sure if household income is taken into account, or just his income.

Her income wont be taken into account and rightly so. Why should she support a child that is not hers? Not sure why you think the system is unfair because it doesnt expect her to support your child.

Yourself and your ex are the ones that should financially support your child.

If his business is being affected by the recession, then obviously maintenance will reduce via the CSA as its done on a percentage of salary. I dont think you can force him to change employment or earn more in the same way that he cant force you to earn more or work more hours.

I think you're missing my point. He is not doing his regular line of work because she doesn't like it! He has no incentive to work and is quite happy living off her.

Of course she shouldn't support your son. That job is definitely up to your ex.

It says more about him that he's happy to earn less, therefore not able to support his son, than it does her tbh.

And no, your ex's maintenance is nothing to do with her so approach him about it, not her.

Matrushka....... Just take what he gives. You need to pick your battles and really, his choice of job, hours worked and finances with his new wife, are all his business. Not yours.

Why does his father only get such a small amount if access? Maybe if he saw his ds more then he would provide more

Sorry about your situation though, didn't mean to come across quite so harsh. It must be very hard for you.

What goes on in their relationship is nothing to do with you. If he is not working that is the fact you have to work with and as a result deal with the outcome i.e. reduced maintenance.

In now way at all should a woman be responsible for paying maintenance to another woman because the father is not working.

You both made the child, you both support him. There is always the risk that one or both parents don't have an income. The risk is the same when you were together.

I understand you need extra financial support, we all could be done with it but it is not her responsibility to do that, it is you and your ex. She works hard for her children to give them a standard of living that she wishes to give them, why should she share that with you?

I rarely got maintenance from my ex but then again I worked hard enough that I could live without it (it would have been nice though) and my DH pays maintenance to his ex and I have made it clear to her (as she asked the same of me) that whilst I give my time and love in looking after her children whilst they are with DH and me, the financial upkeep is down to her and DH.

As for not spending time on his own with your child unless he is made of money and takes him out every time then it is down to him to do an activity of two at home on their own whilst the rest of his family are there because that is where they live.

When you split or divorce it means change for everybody, sometimes pushing you outside your comfort zones, but that is the reality of the life you have now.

Ex doesn't see ML more often because he doesn't want to. Ex says he'd like to have ML stay over every second weekend but ML doesn't want to yet. Also - his father hasn't put him to bed since 2005 because he hasn't wanted to, even when we were on reasonable terms.

I'm coming to the conclusion that I'm going to have to wait until 2011 when gross income is taken into account when calculating maintenance. The current CSA system is unfair because it protects those, like ex, who are able to disguise what they're earning.

What do you think is a reasonable monthly amount that he should be paying?

My ex decided he would not work again when he saw how much csa took from his wages. We have 4 dc together and I now get £5 a week to share between the 4 of them. So you know, things could be worse for you

I think things always benefit parents more if they can come to a private agreement and not use the CSA.

Being open and having some level of respect for each other always predisposes people to being more honest.

ILoveTiffany - I know my situation could be worse. What you get is shocking! That's the CSA for you.

When my ex is swanning around in brand new car and taking holidays to Florida, it's hard to believe he has no money.

I think ex should be contributing around £250 a month, this is basically what he was paying before and, if you look on the CSA calculator for couples who are able to work out maintenance amicably, www.cmoptions.org/en/calculator/calculator.asp, it's about right for someone who earns approx £400 pw net. A bus driver gets more than that!

I think you are being done over, from what you write, but it's hard to see how the law supports you. Could you get some advice from a CAB lawyer?

IloveTiffany - my ex is the same, he doesnt work and doesnt contribute anything for his 4 children.

Yes, nightbynight, I KNOW I'm being done over! It makes it very hard to deal with ex, even though I know I have to for the sake of ML.

Got CAB advice in the early days, but they just say child maintenance disputes need to go through the CSA process and we know what that gets you!

Do you work Matruska?

I effectively pay dsd's maintenance because dh has a new business that isn't in profit yet. I view it as one of our household expenses that has to be met by one or other of us. But I have a very close relationship with dsd, I've known her over 10 years and I'm happy to provide for her.

But when we first got together I would have objected strongly to my income being used to support dsd's mum, just because I had money and assets. I had made very different life choices to her, and if that meant that dh and I owned property, could go abroad, have cars and weekends away then that was just the way the cookie crumbled. I had absolutely no problem with dh supporting his child but I didn't see why I should.

He should be paying what the CSA rates say based on his income. Lots of people's incomes change - they get made redundant, they retrain, take a different career path. For whatever reason he has chosen to change his job and unfortunately there's nothing you can do about that.

Sorry, I just saw on your op as I pressed post that you work.

I would be spitting about it, if my ex was living off some woman and not paying maintenance. The only thing you can remember, is that it is a long haul, and one day his child will be judging him.

He is paying maintenance though isn't he? Just not as much as Matruska would like any more.

"if my ex was living off some woman and not paying maintenance"

But this is not "some woman", it is his wife. The choices they make are decided between themselves and not the business of anybody else. You can judge if you wish but you cannot force them to live their lives in a way that suits you financially.

I can not believe for one minute that you expect this lady who has worked hard to get the job she has, and gets paid well for it to then pay you extra money just because she married your ex!

What if they seperate would you expect her to continue paying? What a fool.

If they seperated he would have to work so would be able to pay himself. Does that answer your question, Don't Panic I'm Regular?

I take on board peoples comments that I have no part in their financial arrangements, but she married him knowing he has a child to support and by not getting involved she is condoning his lack of action.

I know it holds no truck, but I would never get involved with someone who is unable to support their child. The guilt would make it a non starter.

Is he paying nothing at all then?

He's paying just short of £100 a month, half of what he was paying before.

So he is supporting his child, he just can't give you as much as he used to. He can't help the recession, or how much he's earning. If he doesn't have it he can't give it to you.

Does it mean you are struggling now?