Lone mum asks "Ex's new wife supports him, why not us?"

[Matrushka]

I lived with my ex for nearly three years and we have a gorgeous 5 year old son.

When we split, three years ago, things were not great but eventually he agreed to a standing order of £200 a month in child maintenance.

A year ago he married, moved 50 miles out of London and has cut the maintenance to less than half, claiming he's earning less than before and that his solicitor has advised him he doesn't need to pay as much as he has a new family to support. Recently he said, in writing, that he revised the payment as I refused him access.

You've probably guessed that none of the above is true.

I didn't refuse ex access but I did insist on meeting his then wife-to-be and her son (he introduced our son to them without telling me). Is this unreasonable? I've since met them and ML sees his father, with them, every second Sunday. His father almost never sees him alone. Fortunately ML adores his stepbrother and gets on with stepmother.

Ex's stepson's father provides more than adequately for his own son.

Ex may not be earning as much, there is a recession going on and he does work in the events and entertainment industry however his wife, when I met her, made it very clear that she soesn't like his line of work. He used to mix with a lot of pretty women... She earns £45k a year working part time. She pays for her family's holidays and ex has recently bought himself a brand new car. Between them they have three properties (his are heavily mortgaged). She doesn't want to know about his maintenance, when I approached her, she said it was sour grapes on my part.

Grapes of financial wrath more like!

Anyone out there know any law that says she in anyway responisble for ML's lost maintenance? I earn a quarter of what she does (hopefully more now ML's in school)but I'm not in any way envious. I just think the system is unfair. Tried the CSA when we first split and they awarded me £16 a month! Ex is self emplyed and has a "creative" accountant.

If you guys tell me to move on, I will - and wait for the new 2011 child maintenance act to come in. It can't be any worse. It's scary to think what kind of justice we have.

I think 3 things:

1. that women are daft to have children with men who won't work their arses off to support their children even when they split. Why get into a relationship with someone who can't tell the difference between hurting their ex and hurting their child.

1. what your ex is doing is not illegal but it certainly is morally wrong. Working less and living off another woman?

1. wife number 2. Just like wife number one why be daft and get into a relationship with someone who is not prepared to support his children from previous relationships?. I for one would feel very uncomfortable with the child of my partner living with a much less standard of living which is in part due to his fecklessness/laziness and me supporting him!

While none of this is illegal it's certainly a bit morally suspect.

Shouldn't he be paying 20% of his income????

So he only earns £500 a month does he?

I'd also add that I've got nothing but contempt for any parent who has children and then won't cope with the responsibility for raising them - whether that's emotional responsibility or financial. But we need to talk in terms of parent, not mother or father. That's what I find dodgy about the OP. She seems to feel it's ok for her to earn 11k, but not ok for her ex to earn peanuts.

Why should he be paying 20% of his income?!

Good god, DH and I have 3 kids. Should we be spending 20% of each of our incomes on each child?!

With 60% of each of our incomes going solely on the children, they'd probably have a great time. Unfortunately they probably wouldn't have a roof over their heads though!

the 20% is what the CSA say should be given by an absent parent I think. But that figure is affected by new children or children of a subsequent household.

violet - I think there's a few things going on here though. She's presumably working part time because she does the majority of the child care - it's pretty hard to get a school hours job.

I think my basic point is this - instead of focusing on the £100 and whether someone can manage on it the CSA focus on a percentage of income.

It's certainly not right for someone to be luxuriating in a 100 grands worth of lifestyle and to be sending £100 a month for a child is it?

Lol violet. There is of course more than £200 difference between a one bed/two bed flat or house. Where do you live?

Where I live one-bed flats are around £700 per month to rent. Two bed flats average around £850/900. So no, I don't quite understand why you're 'Lol' because there isn't necessarily more than £200 differential.

And in any case, her ex presumably needs a room for the son to stay in too - so he needs more space than he would if it was just him and his new woman.

Still don't get her gripe - except that she's pissed off that the new woman earns more than she does!

Where you live the £100 a month he's giving her won't even cover the extra rent she needs to pay ...

Violethill - what a child costs is not relevant, what is relevant is that both parents should be putting in the same amount, to the best of their ability. BTW, I do much more than my share: I put my child first.

Ex told me he was reducing his maintenance because of the recession, but he also told me he was reducing it because I'd refused him access, which nis not true. Yes you've only my word for this and thanks bibbitybobbityhat, for sticking with me.

It's great that there are some of you out there who are providing for stepchildren. But I'm amazed at how many people support what seems to be a very selfish and irresponsible attitude in men.

My son's certainly not being brought up like that. I've chosen to work part time because otherwise he would hardly ever see either of his parents. Sure, this is my choice but somethings are more important than money. I'm building up a new career, my old one was glamorous and fulfilling but impossible to have with a young child. When I've got more to spare, maybe I'll be able to hire a solicitor to look into shared income but, by then I hope I'll cease to care.

Laurie - I entirely agree that childcare costs are a separate issue, and should be split between the OP and her ex and should not come out of the existing £100.

If she's got a school hours only job, that may be partly why she's earning peanuts, in which case she should think about working full time and exerting some pressure on the ex to contribute to a childminder for out of school hours. But she certainly shouldn't expect the new woman to pay for it - it's not her kid.

X posts there Matrushka.

I'm still a little confused. You say you think it's right that both parents should put in the same amount. You also say that you choose to work part time. So why complain that your ex doesn't earn enough?

Violet - do you not think it is already costing op more than £100 per month to have and look after her child?

Violethill, I'm building up a new career now and it's hopefully going to turn out to be profitable in coming years. My son's only just started school.I'm able to work more as he develops independent interests and relationships - including hopefully a good one with ex and his new family. But despite all the will in the world, that's realy difficult to support wholeheartedly when such an unequal situation currently exists.

If she and her ex are each spending £100 solely on the child, then no, I really don't see why that needs more than £200 per month. I'm absolutely sure there are many couples who are together who wouldn't even be able to afford to spend £200 per month on each child, even if they wanted to!

I've already said that childcare costs should be separate from that, and should be paid for equally by the OP and her ex (although she suggests that there are no childcare costs). Childcare is the single biggest thing that eats up money with young children - you really don't need to spend a great deal on them apart from that.

Err, how about piano and football lessons? Holidays, (never needed one and still trying to save for one)? Costs of visiting a theatre or funfair in London. Birthday parties? Good school shoes?

Point is costs are relative to what you can afford to invest and what you prioritise in your life.

Oh, and cars. Trying to save for an old banger. Which is why I'm so pissed off at ex buying a brand new one.

Well piano lessons and football lessons are great - if you and your ex can afford them. But frankly they aren't a necessity, and if between you, you can't pay for them then they've got to go. Likewise with holidays. We didn't have a holiday for about 7 years when our children were small, apart from one disastrous holiday with PIL (a freebie) and even after that 7 years it was camping trips only for a good while. That's the reality for many young families. I don't think it's to do with being split up necessarily.

End of the day, you are earning only around 11k, from what you say in your OP, yet you seem to expect your ex to earn more so that he can contribute more, and failing that, you want his new woman to pay to support your child. Seems a bit unrealistic to me.

You seem to have overlooked my point about £100 not even covering the cost of the rent Violet.

I didn't. I replied. 21:58:51

Social Services allocate £150 per week for dd and I spend more than that.

the costs i can think of immediately are £50 food and toiletries, £15 school dinners, £15 dancing, £5 for scouts, £5 self defence, £15 for clothes, £30 entertainment including pocket money, phone, swimming, £20 school trips.

then there's increased heating and lighting costs - the radiator in her room stopped working last week (only hers of course) and it cost me £280 to replace it.

I'm sure there's other costs that don't immediately spring to mind - but that's what social services say is an acceptable amount of money to raise a child on. (I spend more than that actually as we take her on holiday and she has to have her own room and we pay for it - was an extra £500 last year)

Get the CSA in the case.

Now regarding: "I didn't refuse ex access but I did insist on meeting his then wife-to-be and her son (he introduced our son to them without telling me). Is this unreasonable?"

The one and only reason why I have not met yet my partner's ex is because she demanded to vet me "as I was to spend time with her son". As an ex partner, you have no right to demand meeting people that will meet your children, you are not in control of your ex anymore, and much less so, of anything related to his new partner.

And before anybody jump on me, I have been there. Exh's partner is none of my business, unless she were doing something horrible to my child. I trust he is intelligent enough to choose someone safe enough to be in contact with my child, actually, perhaps my son is better cared for since she is around, at least he is not missing meals anymore, even if it is only because she has another child to feed.

Ah right I see you mis read it.

The issue isn't about £100 needing to cover the differential in rent, because if she is contributing £100 too, then that's £200. And in very many areas, the difference between a 1 and 2 bed flat is not going to be more than £200 a month.

I also pointed out that it works both ways - he will need an extra room for when his son stays.

Laurie,

You spend over £150 per week?

easily