Lone mum asks "Ex's new wife supports him, why not us?"

[Matrushka]

I lived with my ex for nearly three years and we have a gorgeous 5 year old son.

When we split, three years ago, things were not great but eventually he agreed to a standing order of £200 a month in child maintenance.

A year ago he married, moved 50 miles out of London and has cut the maintenance to less than half, claiming he's earning less than before and that his solicitor has advised him he doesn't need to pay as much as he has a new family to support. Recently he said, in writing, that he revised the payment as I refused him access.

You've probably guessed that none of the above is true.

I didn't refuse ex access but I did insist on meeting his then wife-to-be and her son (he introduced our son to them without telling me). Is this unreasonable? I've since met them and ML sees his father, with them, every second Sunday. His father almost never sees him alone. Fortunately ML adores his stepbrother and gets on with stepmother.

Ex's stepson's father provides more than adequately for his own son.

Ex may not be earning as much, there is a recession going on and he does work in the events and entertainment industry however his wife, when I met her, made it very clear that she soesn't like his line of work. He used to mix with a lot of pretty women... She earns £45k a year working part time. She pays for her family's holidays and ex has recently bought himself a brand new car. Between them they have three properties (his are heavily mortgaged). She doesn't want to know about his maintenance, when I approached her, she said it was sour grapes on my part.

Grapes of financial wrath more like!

Anyone out there know any law that says she in anyway responisble for ML's lost maintenance? I earn a quarter of what she does (hopefully more now ML's in school)but I'm not in any way envious. I just think the system is unfair. Tried the CSA when we first split and they awarded me £16 a month! Ex is self emplyed and has a "creative" accountant.

If you guys tell me to move on, I will - and wait for the new 2011 child maintenance act to come in. It can't be any worse. It's scary to think what kind of justice we have.

£30 entertainment a week! Good god, I earn a decent income and I could no way afford that for each child. That would be £90 a week, £360 per month for entertainment for my children.

Funny old world innit

As I said it's about priorities and I want my child to have the advantages I had and not suffer for the fact that his father doesn't care enough and his mother made a stupid choice.

Also Violet, you don't seem to take on board the fact that I'm doing my best to increase my income and contribution, whereas ex is most definitely not.

No, Violet, I didn't misread it.

If he is paying £100 and she is paying £100 then that might just about cover the differential in rent (not where I live it wouldn't, but still).

However, if he is paying £100 only - then who is paying for all the child's food and clothing? She is! His contribution covers nothing but half the extra needed for the extra flat. Tis bloody peanuts. He is only giving her £100/month. It is simply not enough!

£30 is for the pictures for her and her sibling (lives somewhere else) plus lunch out (sibling not allowed here) plus £10 for her phone - think that's pretty frugal for a day out for 2 kids + her phone.

Anyway the point isn't really what I spend the money on - the point is what social services deem is the right amount to raise a child.

Violet if you add in all your increased costs for extra rooms/heating/clothing/food and light quite a large proportion of your income goes on having children surely?

Unless you keep them in a box under your bed?

It's not that I haven't taken it on board. If your son sees you striving to better your circumstances, and improve your earning capacity, then actually that's probably one of the best things you can do for him, and will give him a greater chance of being successful himself in life.

End of the day, it may seem unfair if your ex is doing the opposite, but honestly in the long term children are better off having good examples of a work ethic around them. So you're doing a better thing than your ex.

I think you need to focus on that, rather than on the new woman, because that situation is never going to change.

He doesn't have an extra room, Violet.

But thanks for your support, we got there in the end!

BBH - she also gets the benefit of a full relationship with the children. That bit always gets forgotten about somehow.

You say: 'I want my child to have the advantages I had and not suffer for the fact that his father doesn't care enough and his mother made a stupid choice. '

This is the crux of the problem, imo. You made a 'stupid choice' (your words), and now are having to live with the consequences. If your child's father 'doesn't care enough', then you can't force him. You won't do your child any favours by being envious and twisted (though I do see your point).

In your shoes, I'd cut my losses. Don't waste your time and emotional energy on your ex. You may be morally right, but trying to prove it will consume far too much of you, and ironically is likely to 'cost' your child far more than the lack of cash.

Provide what you can for your child - in material and emotional terms. Perhaps generous grandparents, aunts and uncles can 'fill in the gaps' by giving birthday/Christmas pressies that will pay for piano/football lessons, trips to theatre etc.

SGM -I agree that the system is crap.

But then LaurieFairyCake's revelation that Social Services specify £150 per week as the amount needed for a child (or teenager presumably) sums the whole thing up doesn't it?!

By that reckoning, with 3 teenagers, DH and I should spend £450 per week on them. £1800 per month - that's just on our teenage children, not on any of the living costs we'd be paying anyway!

Oh dearie me. And people wonder why this country's a joke!

The OP is getting quite a hard time it is hard when you split up with someone to let go of the life you thought you may have.

I spent time living in bed and breakfasts, on friend's floors, hostels with a baby while my ex husband was living the life of riley in his multi million pound house. I was bitter for a long time, spent time obsessing over what he had and I didn't.

One day the penny dropped and I thought it is up to me to support this child and by chasing this man I am losing my last shred of dignity. I never again asked him for a penny.

But it took a long time and I may, at the time, have started a thread like this.

£50 quid on food plus £15 on school dinners, that's £65 per week. I spend that on two adults and a toddler. Are you feeding him only sirloin steak?

Is that any child? I'd assumed, on skimming the thread, that it was a child with severe disabilities or some other kind of special need. There is no way we even spend £150 a month on DS.

But then under the old CSA1 assessment system, £90 odd a week was needed (allegedly) for the ex-partner's maintenance and only about £15 a week per child. That was pretty crazy as well.

Violet - add up the amount you are spending on your teenage children though, take into consideration their extra rooms, the heat, light, food, clothing etc.

Thought there was a statistic somewhere that said it costs £100,000 to raise a child to 21??

lol at sirloin steak. I spend £200 a week on household food/toiletries/cleaning stuff and dd eats more than me so thought £50 was about right. She does have a slightly complicated diet and some additional needs but she is not allocated more money for that - the £150 is the standard amount for a child 11-15.

No way is it £1800 per month LaurieFairyCake!

I have no idea what it is Violet but just for example you and your partner had bought a £50,000 one bed flat and lived there your whole life on your own. Instead with 3 teenagers you needed a 4 bed house and had to spend £250,000.

There's 200 grand right there. Plus uni, all living costs, all clothes and food for 18 years. It's a FORTUNE surely?

BBH, dont forget on a salary of £11k the OP will be getting quite a bit in tax credits plus child benefit so with the maintenance she will actually be getting a fair amount of money for her son. Tax credits would also assist with childcare costs if the hours of work increased and given the child is at school anyway childcare would be minimal bar holidays.

If the situation was reversed and the OP had a new partner on a good wage where she didnt need to work i'm sure she wouldnt.

Not sure re the comment "what your ex is doing is not illegal but it certainly is morally wrong. Working less and living off another woman?" - Lots of women do this, they meet a new man and dont work so why is it ok for women but not the other way round. In this case the ex is working and paying maintenance, just not enough to give the OP the lifestyle he has.

Seriously, it seems bloody ludicrous that Social Services specify an amount which is beyond the means of many ordinary working families.

It explains why so many people are hacked off with this country's systems. Working people paying taxes so that Social Services can provide the 'standard amount' that a teenager needs..... only whoops! That's more than the working people can afford to spend on their own children!

Maybe one day someone with a brain cell or two will write the rules

That's a good point about the tax credits HappyMummy. She forgot to mention that!

you are missing something though violet. DD needs more than a standard child brought up in a nice, loving family. There are some things that need to be made up for. Like having no clothes at all, or eating out of a bin, or never having dancing lessons (or never having gone to school), or never having books.

I've a decade to make up for here and in this area nice stuff and activities costs money. It is not as simple as just giving her the very basics.

I am aware that children in care may have some additional needs, but frankly, £150 per week is so out of kilter with the norm that it's ludicrous. And I don't see how £30 entertainment per week is an additional need specifically relating to being in care.

Or £65 per week on food. That's way more than most families would spend on each teenager. If I spent £65 each on food for each member of our family that would be £325 per week in the supermarket. Yikes!

because I've already said that's when she has contact with her sibling and she isn't allowed to come here with her so we need to go out.

My friend and her dh earn £4k a month and have 3 children, one at uni - it costs them £500 a month for the one at uni so not xactly out of kilter with where I live. Its a bit more than someone on benefits gets - roughly £100 a week is allocated for one child. (taking into account housing benefit/child benefit/income support)