Lone mum asks "Ex's new wife supports him, why not us?"

[Matrushka]

I lived with my ex for nearly three years and we have a gorgeous 5 year old son.

When we split, three years ago, things were not great but eventually he agreed to a standing order of £200 a month in child maintenance.

A year ago he married, moved 50 miles out of London and has cut the maintenance to less than half, claiming he's earning less than before and that his solicitor has advised him he doesn't need to pay as much as he has a new family to support. Recently he said, in writing, that he revised the payment as I refused him access.

You've probably guessed that none of the above is true.

I didn't refuse ex access but I did insist on meeting his then wife-to-be and her son (he introduced our son to them without telling me). Is this unreasonable? I've since met them and ML sees his father, with them, every second Sunday. His father almost never sees him alone. Fortunately ML adores his stepbrother and gets on with stepmother.

Ex's stepson's father provides more than adequately for his own son.

Ex may not be earning as much, there is a recession going on and he does work in the events and entertainment industry however his wife, when I met her, made it very clear that she soesn't like his line of work. He used to mix with a lot of pretty women... She earns £45k a year working part time. She pays for her family's holidays and ex has recently bought himself a brand new car. Between them they have three properties (his are heavily mortgaged). She doesn't want to know about his maintenance, when I approached her, she said it was sour grapes on my part.

Grapes of financial wrath more like!

Anyone out there know any law that says she in anyway responisble for ML's lost maintenance? I earn a quarter of what she does (hopefully more now ML's in school)but I'm not in any way envious. I just think the system is unfair. Tried the CSA when we first split and they awarded me £16 a month! Ex is self emplyed and has a "creative" accountant.

If you guys tell me to move on, I will - and wait for the new 2011 child maintenance act to come in. It can't be any worse. It's scary to think what kind of justice we have.

Facebook - WHY do people put such personal opinions on it?!

Trouble is I think our views on this are very tainted by our personal experience.
If we have a very difficult relationship with DH's ex then all views on this situation are tainted by that and we pick up different aspects of Matrushka's situation while not considering the rest.

Likewise, Matrushka as a loving mum can't comprehend how some mum's can be so damaging and indifferent to their kids.

Personally I think both parents do have a right to meet the other's new partner/husband. Not to have 'a good look' but for peace of mind. I agree it would make for a very difficult situation if either parent had a problem with the new partner, but it would be nice to think that you could then talk about any concerns logically. See my view's tainted by thinking that everyone can behave reasonably. I do know that this isn't possible with alot of ex's and certainly not with the previous examples.

Just because some of us have DH's that would fight tooth and nail to see their children more, doesn't mean Matrushka's ex is like that and to be honest he doesn't seem particularly concerned.

I think OP's mistake was suggesting that the new wife pick up the tab. Everyone jumped on that rather than look at the fact that her ex had halved the maintenance and really is being a bit of a t**t. JMO

I personally feel a) you have no 'right' to meet your ex's partner - he is a parent same as you so is not answerable to you;

b) why should he spend time with your son alone? He is part of a family and time spent with dad and his new family is still time spent with dad! It seems like jealously on your part as my partner's ex wife also trots out this line!! Again, you can't dictate who is there when your ex sees his son.

c) £100 for 1 child seems plenty of maintenance to me if he's on reduced earnings - many fathers pay a lot less than this!

d) His new wife's income is none of your business; and why would you expect another woman to pay to raise a child that is nothing to do with her?

e) 5 is not too young for overnights when the child is with HIS DAD; he's too young to ask explicitly for it, it should just happen!!

That's how I see it! Seems like a lot of jealously and bitterness on your part.

I actually think that both parents are answerable to eachother as far as the care for the child is concerned.

Surely it is only natural for either parent to want to meet anyone who is going to play a significant part in their childs life. Isn't that just being a responsible parent.

In this instance, if your partner was a recovering alcoholic say with a history of dodgy partners (I'm sumising here), wouldn't you be concerned enough to want to meet the new partner.

My DH's ex didn't want to meet me, but I now realise that was more to do with the fact that she wasn't particularly bothered who was around her child. I would have expected her to insist on meeting me.

I never understood why dsd's mum didn't want to meet me or talk to me. Like you say, it's not a case of vetting the other person, or being able to say they can or can't see your child, but I think it's important to know who they are and form a relationshp with them.

I really had no desire to meet her, she had behaved really badly towards dh, and was abusive and threatening to me. But she was my dsd's mum, I had to I felt for her sake.

I'm still undecided as to whether the op's ex is a twat or not. He may have reduced the maintenance, but he's earning less.

'I do find it bizarre that DSS lives here and DSD spends about 40% of her time here and their mother has never so much as spoken to me, or stepped foot over my threshold'

I think that's more a reflection on her and that she just isn't very bothered. But, yes your right, demanding things won't get you anywhere and would naturally put anyones back up. I just think it would be healthier for everyone if it was just accepted that parents would want meet the new significant other.

I obviously don't know this but I think the OP made reference to the stepsons dad paying good maintenance, as the need to 'support the new family' was one of the reasons why her ex was deemed to be able to pay less maintenance. Which isn't the case here as the stepson is already being well supported.

I think there's a big difference between paying less CM because your job has suffered due ressession and you're struggling, vs choosing to earn less as your new partner is 'loaded' and you don't have to work so much. I think most of us in that situation would be fairly miffed if they even had an inckling that was the case.

My son doesn't want to spend nights at his dad's place, I won't have any objection when he's ready. Why on earth should I try to persaude him before that?

Well the answer to that IMO is that because he is 5. He is not yet old enough to make that decision and it is your job as his mother to encourage his relationship with his father in a positive light.

Believe me I know it's hard I have sent away a tearful dd to her fathers at times but I knew I had a responsibility to the dc's to enourage it despite how hard it was at times.

I have met ex's dp and really honestly don't like the woman as a person but she is nice to the dc's and they like her enough. I swallowed it all down and ent christmas presents from the dc's to her and her dd when I as sending one for my ex because I believe that it is a far better example to set the dc's of niceness and everyone getting on rather than this bitching and sniping.

My ex never paid maintenance for nearly a year because he wasn't working but at no point did I ever even think his dp should be paying it for him. I still worked hard to maintain a good relationship between me and my ex and the dc's still seen him overnight oh and incidentally my youngest is 3 and goes overnight it is waaayy different than sleepover at friends house.

It seems like you are playing a tit for tat game and it isn't nice.

Ineedacleaner - you sound lovely

How can your son possibly make a decision about whether he wants to stay with his dad, when you are not giving ds the opportunity to build a full relationship with him. Your animosity towards your ex will be obvious to your ds no matter how much you think you are hiding it.

Do you talk positively about your ex to your ds?
Do you talk positively about the things they could do together?
Do you say "when you go to stay with your dad", rather than "if you ever go to stay with your dad".

You need to think about what is best for your ds, rather than feeling aggrieved because you feel short-changed.

Babyhammock - I'm glad you made that point about there a being world of difference not working while there's a recession and not working 'cos you're living off your partner. For some reason, not many seem to grasp this!

Ex texted today and said there wouldn't be much difference in 2010's maintenance as he hadn't made much more than previous year. I responded by suggesting that he send me his gross figures rather than heavily watered down net. That would put that particular issue to rest once and for all. I fully accept new wife's income shouldn't come into it. But I would like to know how much he con tributes to the housekeeping, as she told me six months ago that, if they split up, his maintenance contributions would increase. Suspect or what? And remember that he's also told me he cut the maintenance because I refused him contact (not true). Who is playing tit for tat here?

And yes it should be a given "nicety" to be able to meet the new wife. It shouldn't be demanded but, at the same time, it shouldn't be prohibited - for the sake of the child, and you shouldn't have to find out from your own child.

Littlefish - how can I talk postively about ex to my son when he doesn't recipricate? He painted a terrible picture of me to his new wife. She got a shock when she met me because I wasn't an ogre. Neither do I talk negatively. My son looks forward to his rare (but not because of me!) visits with his other family. Similarly, how can I suggest things he do with his father, when his father doesn't want to do them!? And yes I do say when you stay with your dad. The last time I said that my son responded that he didn't want to because his dad would make him stay up all night, as that's what ex apparently said. Possibly it was a joke but that doesn't reassure my son.

I'm getting a bit irate so will give this talk a rest for a bit. But it's also been insightful and supportive.

I actually disagree with the statement, they make decisions and it has nothing to do with anyone else - it really does

Actually it does, If you have children then the choices you make will have an inpact on your children so it has a lot to do with them.

A new wife/husband make choices and of course it has to do with those peopl ethat they brought into the world, it will effect there standard of living, where they live where they go to school - all sorts of things will effect the childrenthat they left with the other parent for whatever reason.

If they decide to emigrate or get a new job with less money - all these things will have an impact and they are to do with the children - maybe not the other adults - but deff the children.

Rindercella Thank you that's a nice thing to say especislly when there have been times I wonder why the hell I bother.

I just don't have it in me to play all these games dc's are half me half him and there is no way on this earth anyone dc's included were going to turn around and say I stood in the way of a positive relationship with their father.

Matrushka, I honestly don't know what to suggest with regards to resolving things with your ex but reading between the lines I get the impression that he's actually enjoying winding you up somewhat .

Was he like this while you were together. My apologies if this is a bit personal.

And yes I do get where you're coming from about the overnights. I'm quite sure that this would happen naturally if the ex was more interested, which TBH he's not showing much signs of.

Its difficult to encourage a child to want to see his dad if dad isn't that bothered.

"How can I talk postively about ex to my son when he doesn't recipricate?" - you just don't sink to his level. Dsd's mum used to refer to me as "fat tart" ROFL and never had a good word to say about me or dh to dsd. We just ignored it and there was no way were going to do the same to dsd about her mum.

If dsd's mum was wanting to know how much each of us were contributing to household expenses I'd think it was none of her bloody business. Just like it's none of our business what happens to the maintenance money once it's handed over.

And surely if he would have more available cash should they separate, doesn't that mean he is paying his way and not living off her?

he's a fool. he's turned himself into a bum to avoid paying you money that your son could really use.

he thinks this gives him the last laugh. it doesn't. he'll play the loser and the deadbeat for as long as she lets him, and then he'll find he's type cast.

Don't stress yourself out over the lost of £25 a week. I KNOW what you're going through though. My children's Dad gives us nothing. He is determined that we won't get a penny out of him. Nothing gives him greater pleasure than knowing that my 'punishment' for daring to leave him is poverty. Before people say oh go to the csa, I live in ireland and he lives in the uk so it's not that simple.

Just take some comfort (small though it is) from knowing that in years to come your son will realise that it was Mummy who funded eVerything.