Oh - i'm just a bad typist!
ok, i really must go - am still at work.
But was just thinking that there's no way we canlearn what it might be like to deal with something this horrible. Somthing really horrible did happen to me once - not rape, but i very very emphatically did not want to have sex without contraception, unhealthy relationship, he wanted to prove that if i really loved him i would want his baby, and at the contraception-or-not-moment there was force and me fighting very violently, and it wasn;t a good outcome at all.
I just thrashed around doing inappropriate things, calling him in the night and hanging up, having not-very-well-thougt-out relationships, and going to the gym like there was no tomeoorow in a frenzy of geting fit that i now recognise as re-claiming my own body for myself.
Actaully, that really helped, because it was a positive thing i was doing to myself, nota negatibve thing - i didn't self-harm or under-or over-eat, I did everythnh=g very healthily and got v v fit. WEhich improved my self-esteem no end....
Maybe when the time is right, something equivalent might fall into place for you?