We earn nearly 5K a month but we’re always skint

[MoonlitMabel]

Me and my partner have been together 6 years and we have 6 kids between us. We both work and on paper we should be doing ok but honestly we seem to have no money left most months and I dont understand where its all going.

I earn about £1450 a month after tax and he usually brings home around £3200 but it depends on overtime. We get child benefit as well and I get a bit of maintenance for my older two but its not a massive amount. So I know we arent on a low income exactly, which is why its frustrating that we are always counting down to payday.

I have DS11 and DD8 from my previous relationship, he has two girls aged 13 and 10 from his previous relationship and we have a DS who is 2 and a DD who is 8 months. The older two live with me full time. His girls have only recently come to live with us full time because their mum moved away and they wanted to stay with their dad. Their mum isnt paying maintenance at the moment. I dont blame the girls for any of this and they are lovely, its just obviously a lot more expensive having two extra children here all the time.

We rent a 3 bed house and its quite full now but moving isnt an option at the moment. Rent is £850, council tax is about £180, then all the usual bills, phones, petrol, car insurance etc. He pays the rent and most of the bigger bills from his account and I tend to pay for the food shop, things the kids need and bits for the house. It sort of ended up that way rather than us sitting down and deciding it was fair.

The thing is he keeps saying I need to cut down on the food shop. Last night I spent £235 and he was genuinely shocked when he saw it, asking how on earth I had spent that much and saying I need to look at my spending. I know £235 sounds a lot but its for 8 people and I got nappies, washing stuff, toilet roll, packed lunch things, milk, fruit, meat etc. I wasnt buying loads of treats or anything particularly expensive. We were running low on quite a few things so it wasnt even just food.

I did get annoyed because he has been ordering more Airfix stuff recently. He builds the models and paints them and its his hobby, which I do understand, everyone needs something they enjoy. But he will order a kit for £35 then paints another time and tools and bits for another £20 or £30 and he doesnt seem to see it as much because its not all in one go. He says its his hobby and he doesnt go out drinking or spend money on nights out. Fair enough but I dont have money to just buy things for myself whenever I want. If I need clothes or something I usually leave it until the next month.

He says thats different because the food shop is something I can control and I need to plan better. He reckons I buy too much and we dont need half the things I get. I said if he wants to do the food shop and feed all of us for less then he can have a go because its easy to criticise when you arent the one trying to make meals out of whats left in the fridge. That probably didnt help the conversation.

He then said since his girls moved in everything costs more and I seem to have a problem with it. I honestly dont. They are his children and of course they should be able to live with their dad if thats what they want. But we didnt really sit down and work out how much more it would cost or change how we pay for things. We just carried on as before and now we are struggling even more.

He has debt repayments as well, credit cards and a loan from before, which come to around £500 a month. He says those are fixed payments and have to be paid so theres not much he can do about them. I agree they need paying but it means a lot of his wages are already spoken for before we have even bought food or put petrol in the car. His overtime isnt guaranteed either so some months he gets less than £3200.

I dont know if we are just spending too much or if this is what it costs to run a house with this many kids now. We dont have expensive holidays or go out much. The kids have clubs and school things to pay for, they grow out of clothes and shoes, the little ones need nappies and all that. Then theres always something else, a birthday or a school trip or something needs replacing.

We dont have a joint account and neither of us has a proper idea of what the other has left after bills. He thinks he pays most of the money out because the rent and bills come out of his account, and I feel like Im constantly spending mine on everyone and everything and never have anything left. We have never actually added everything up together which I know sounds stupid.

I dont want this to turn into me saying he shouldnt buy his hobby stuff or that his girls cost too much, because thats not what I mean. I just dont see how we can both be working and bringing that much in and still be skint all the time. Is £235 actually ridiculous for a weekly shop for this many people or do I need to look properly at what Im spending? And how do other people split everything when there are children from previous relationships as well?

Having two extra children when you already have 4 between you, is a choice, and to be brutally honest, and a stupid, irresponsible one unless you are extremely wealthy.

It’s pretty wearing when people breed like rabbits and then are flabbergasted that they have no money.

I would recommend a joint account for all bills rent utilities food childcare laundry toiletries petrol insurance etc and you both keep £100 a month ( or whatever is affordable) for personal stuff whether that is airfix hobbies makeup coffee with friends etc no questions asked om how itis spent but when it's gone it's gone
Then you make a really detailed budget for household expeniture from joint money including putting away some money each month for annual bills like MOT serviceing vehicle maintenance there will be no house maintenance as you rent but you might need new sheets etc so put away a little for that also birthdays and christmas, new school uniforms so nothing needs to go on credit card
it should be a priority to pay off the credit card debt then never use it again what could you sell to help?
then it will be apparent how much is available for food; only after that can you decide on clothes shoes school trips etc and after that whether anything left over for treats like takeaways cinema etc
with 6 kids you need to budget every single pound, it maybe that things are too tight for you to have fun / personal money
average UK spend on food is 35-45 per person obviously the under 10's eat less than an adult and babies eat even less though they use nappies etc 8 people even at £30 a week is 240 plus nappies laundry etc so you are not far off, will your income increase once maternity leave finished can you go back full time to ease financial pressure. £500 extra a month would go a long way if he didn't have debt

going forward if a 3 bed is 850 to rent in a few years a 4 bed in your area will not be that much more so you need to start planning for that as 3 beds won't cut it for long

Thank you for these meal ideas 😘

Mr Big Swinging Dick 😂😂 (never heard that but will remember it from now on for sure!).
Agree with everything you've said btw

So what are you going to do OP?

Your grocery spend is fine OP. The issue here is that your DH is in a significant level of debt and yet continues to spend on credit cards.
In my view you need to work together to agree a financial plan that involves paying back the debt over an agreed timescale and not incurring more debt. There will be a lot of resources available online about how to budget in this situation.

@EvieBB here are my autumn and winter meal rotations if you’d like them! 🥰

Monday - veggie lasagne & salad/Cottage pie and veggies/chilli and jacket potato/Spaghetti Bolognese/mixed bean and feta tacos.
Tuesday - Greek salad, roast chicken shredded & lemon and garlic roasted potatoes. /spicy chicken tacos, Mexican rice and salad with roasted corn on cob with chili butter and feta cheese. /cheese and spicy roasted pepper and tuna quesadillas with salad.
Wednesday - sweet potato & chickpea curry, bulked with cauliflower & carrots, rice. Topped with yogurt & coriander. / salad with roasted peppers, carrots and onions, topped with couscous and Hummus. / crustless quiche, sweet potato wedges and salad.
Thursday - creamy tomato Spaghetti with roasted pepper and onions. Garlic bread. /Pesto butterfly pasta with bacon and mushroom./ pork and fennel linguine./mac and cheese.
Friday - salmon teriyaki with rice and stir fried vegetables. /Fish and chips with mushy peas./ boiled potatoes, white fish and Mediterranean sauce./ Kedgeree.
Saturday - panko coated chicken thigh burgers, salad and homemade wedges and coleslaw./Butternut squash Risotto./ chicken tagine with herby couscous.
Sunday - roast dinner./ toad in hole/stew & crusty bread/hotpot.
Tuscan pulled pork with green veggies and roast potatoes./fish pie with vegetables./ chicken & mushroom pie with mustard mash. Sausage stuffing ball roast dinner.

Your husband is the problem. He needs to cut up his credit card and stop using it online altogether- the £500 pm is his disposable income. He’s spent it already and needs to pay it down.

I agree about a budget and he needs to put the maintenance he was previously paying and the CB he now gets for his two into the household pot to pay for costs for them.

Unless his ex is ill she needs to get a job and pay maintenance.

Is the only thing that has changed the supermarket bill? Could you buy more own brands and meal plan? What about their clothes, shoes, school trips, entertainment, did he previously fund that or pay maintenance? Are there meals out, coffees, snacks to account for on top? Yes the debt is an issue and it sounds like he is barely servicing that so the balance won’t get lower. How did it come about and has he spoken to Stepchange or similar to budget to pay it down.

@LIZS , read the OP's posts.

Sorry for a thread derail but you sound like you have a great repertoire of cheap but tasty meals! Please can I ask what you do with butter beans as Im on a mission to replace some of our meat intake with beans? TIA

Fine. Apart from the models kits what else is he sticking on cc. I think you need to know the larger costs like your childcare bill more exactly, why are you solely paying towards it.

Put them in soups, stews etc.
Different beans taste a little different and once you start to get used to them you appreciate the taste and texture.
Look in the world food aisle not the microwave pouches section.

I'd add them to things that have quite a mellow flavour. They go well in tomato-based stews. I don't eat meat but I think they'd go well with butter chicken.
I think with beans and lentils people tend to go for kidney beans, red lentils and chickpeas. I'd probably try black beans, green or brown lentils, and haricots or butter beans instead.

Tinned beans are good for when you make wraps from leftovers. Makes them really filling.

And do you really think paying someone else to look after them is cost effective?

@SplishSplash123 , Butter beans recipes - BBC Food has some good recipes. Try middle eastern, mediterranean, north african and asian recipes too depending on what you like.

Excellent ideas thank you - I sometimes throw a tin of butter beans in with the kidney beans when making a chilli as I like them.
Butter curry sounds fab with butter beans, I think the silky texture of the sauce would be great, similarly tomato and mascarpone pasta sauce.
You've just reminded me I made a lovely mashed bean side dish to go with burritos sometime last year, I must dig that out again.
Thank you, you've given me some great inspiration there (and hopefully for OP too!)

Thanks, the comments I get are 'If you hadn't mentioned it, I'd not have really noticed there was no meat in that dish'.
I don't mash or blend them but that's me.
Bear in mind that they are carb and protein, but they do bump up the protein in a meal and keep you fuller longer.

I did think that, but thought it’s usually not taken well. That there are kids both sides, whom okay the girls wanted to live with their father, that wasn’t foreseen, plus he would of been paying money for them anyway, one assumes, when they lived with their mother. Then have another two together, I see so many do this, which I understand people want a child with the partner they are with, but sometimes it’s not possible.

But obviously done budgeting that can be done, and he has debt so that is a lot for now, being at £500? I think I read.

I think the £500 a month is what he says but he's got credit cards not paid off too, so he's probably accumulating debt. I don't know if the £500 a month was a car loan, or if the car is on top of that.

I grew up somewhere where many of my friends had 3, 4or 5 siblings. It was quite normal, but they were not blended families.
(not a criticism but there weren't the step/half-siblings/step-children issues)

Thank you!! 🙏🏼🙏🏼

I love the world food aisle! Found some great things there and often tinned items are cheaper than the 'usual' equivalent. Recently got vegetable and olive oil blend much cheaper too from that section.

You both need to look at your finances. He's bringing in the lion's share and taking on extra work so you can all eat. Why isn't the father of your eldest two paying proper maintenance?

If his DC live with you full time their Mum should be paying maintenance. Go to CMS. You could do an online food shop then he could see the prices of food and where the money for food shop is going.

The mum isn’t working so I think maintenance would be about £7 so not much help

I agree. And would be interested to know what things were like before the partners kids moved in, and when they were considering/planning their first baby together. As although as most of us can appreciate in 2 yrs things can change drastically, I wonder if things were hugely better and how, when they considered a second child.