We earn nearly 5K a month but we’re always skint

[MoonlitMabel]

Me and my partner have been together 6 years and we have 6 kids between us. We both work and on paper we should be doing ok but honestly we seem to have no money left most months and I dont understand where its all going.

I earn about £1450 a month after tax and he usually brings home around £3200 but it depends on overtime. We get child benefit as well and I get a bit of maintenance for my older two but its not a massive amount. So I know we arent on a low income exactly, which is why its frustrating that we are always counting down to payday.

I have DS11 and DD8 from my previous relationship, he has two girls aged 13 and 10 from his previous relationship and we have a DS who is 2 and a DD who is 8 months. The older two live with me full time. His girls have only recently come to live with us full time because their mum moved away and they wanted to stay with their dad. Their mum isnt paying maintenance at the moment. I dont blame the girls for any of this and they are lovely, its just obviously a lot more expensive having two extra children here all the time.

We rent a 3 bed house and its quite full now but moving isnt an option at the moment. Rent is £850, council tax is about £180, then all the usual bills, phones, petrol, car insurance etc. He pays the rent and most of the bigger bills from his account and I tend to pay for the food shop, things the kids need and bits for the house. It sort of ended up that way rather than us sitting down and deciding it was fair.

The thing is he keeps saying I need to cut down on the food shop. Last night I spent £235 and he was genuinely shocked when he saw it, asking how on earth I had spent that much and saying I need to look at my spending. I know £235 sounds a lot but its for 8 people and I got nappies, washing stuff, toilet roll, packed lunch things, milk, fruit, meat etc. I wasnt buying loads of treats or anything particularly expensive. We were running low on quite a few things so it wasnt even just food.

I did get annoyed because he has been ordering more Airfix stuff recently. He builds the models and paints them and its his hobby, which I do understand, everyone needs something they enjoy. But he will order a kit for £35 then paints another time and tools and bits for another £20 or £30 and he doesnt seem to see it as much because its not all in one go. He says its his hobby and he doesnt go out drinking or spend money on nights out. Fair enough but I dont have money to just buy things for myself whenever I want. If I need clothes or something I usually leave it until the next month.

He says thats different because the food shop is something I can control and I need to plan better. He reckons I buy too much and we dont need half the things I get. I said if he wants to do the food shop and feed all of us for less then he can have a go because its easy to criticise when you arent the one trying to make meals out of whats left in the fridge. That probably didnt help the conversation.

He then said since his girls moved in everything costs more and I seem to have a problem with it. I honestly dont. They are his children and of course they should be able to live with their dad if thats what they want. But we didnt really sit down and work out how much more it would cost or change how we pay for things. We just carried on as before and now we are struggling even more.

He has debt repayments as well, credit cards and a loan from before, which come to around £500 a month. He says those are fixed payments and have to be paid so theres not much he can do about them. I agree they need paying but it means a lot of his wages are already spoken for before we have even bought food or put petrol in the car. His overtime isnt guaranteed either so some months he gets less than £3200.

I dont know if we are just spending too much or if this is what it costs to run a house with this many kids now. We dont have expensive holidays or go out much. The kids have clubs and school things to pay for, they grow out of clothes and shoes, the little ones need nappies and all that. Then theres always something else, a birthday or a school trip or something needs replacing.

We dont have a joint account and neither of us has a proper idea of what the other has left after bills. He thinks he pays most of the money out because the rent and bills come out of his account, and I feel like Im constantly spending mine on everyone and everything and never have anything left. We have never actually added everything up together which I know sounds stupid.

I dont want this to turn into me saying he shouldnt buy his hobby stuff or that his girls cost too much, because thats not what I mean. I just dont see how we can both be working and bringing that much in and still be skint all the time. Is £235 actually ridiculous for a weekly shop for this many people or do I need to look properly at what Im spending? And how do other people split everything when there are children from previous relationships as well?

I think you need to start pooling all your money and sit down and budget into pots each month. He shouldn't be able to drop £50 on his hobby all the time if you can't afford it. Its just not how life works. And his debt means he can't afford it. I also think it's possible he's spending more on credit cards and not telling you? 235 is obviously not a big food shop for that many people.

Iceland is worth checking out. Great value for longer life foods/ frozen. 10 for £10 on lunch box type items. Just wouldn’t buy fresh fruit/ veg from there (rubbish in my opinion).

Airfix habit- ban him to Vinted only.

His credit card. Agree to cut it up!?! You’re stuck in a cycle of him paying this off and adding to it. That £500 a month would make a huge difference if you didn’t have to pay it. Even if you get one without telling him for absolute emergencies/ back up.

Fill out UC application. Even if you get teeniest bit with the number of children/ child care costs it means all your kids would qualify for free school meals. Would take a fair bit off the shop to get lunch free for all the kids.

Plus are you using tax free child care? 20% off any nursery fees that don’t come under free hours.

Good luck xx

5k pcm isn’t a huge amount for 8 people to live off.
Get him to sit down and work out a meal plan for a week and price it up on the tesco app. Tell him not to forget laundry liquid, dishwasher tabs etc.
His Debt is costing you two weeks’ grocery shop, he’s in no position to judge.

Im not surprised things are hard on that income with six kids! And renting. We struggle along some months with a tiny mortgage and only one kid!
get organised - make a budget spreadsheet of all bills etc and see it on paper. Talk about it all together. All money into one joint account, bills paid, anything left is split equally between you and you decide what to do with it. Include savings, pension contributions, spending money, bills etc - all go on the spreadsheet.

Then let him do the shop for a few weeks!
you could batch cook etc and try to save money that way; I’m going to attempt that soon and also try to win back time in the evenings instead of cooking a big meal every night.
AI can also help you make a budget or analyse spending if you are prepared to upload statements or spreadsheet. I’ve done that and found it v v helpful to see the big picture.
good luck op!! X

Agree that his debt is a huge issue - it needs to be cleared (by him) - make the budget on a spreadsheet and show him how much this is costing a month / a year and ask him what’s the plan to reduce this to zero.

Is there a risk to the OP having a joint account when he has debt?

Some will say check to see if entitled for anything via uc esp for rent and childcare

you need to put all money into the joint acount

Work out the cost of rent bills food etc

then his hobby and see what is left

so nappies bumped the cost up this week but shouldn’t need any for a while - assuming brought a lot of them

if only having one nappy a day with 2yr then pack will last ages

I’d send him out to do the weekly shop and see how he manages.
There are a few tops though that you might not be using that might shave a bit off the bill:
Do you plan all your meals for the week? Then you buy only what you need for those meals, not anything “just in case”
How are you on snacks and things? Rather than buy in biscuits and the like when we were getting short, I always waited until we were completely out of some things before replenishing stocks. That might mean a couple of days without biscuits or crisps in the house but it didn’t do the children any harm.
Have you considered changing your supermarket or buying some things in smaller shops. Supermarkets are designed to encourage you to spend and it’s very easy to buy more than you actually need.
These steps might help a little but to be honest I don’t think you are doing too badly. Food is incredibly expensive atm and with 8 mouths to feed it is always going to be a struggle.

Don't know what your problem is. I was giving an idea that works for me! it might not work for her.
She has come on here to ask for help that's what I was doing.
I'm not saying she has do what i have said .
Again just an idea

No, not unreasonable at all. To be honest we spend approx £200 on groceries and that's for only 4 of us (2 teenagers who eat as much as us). Your husband is being extremely unfair on you xx

And a cat! (Sorry cat for forgetting about you!) Lol

You have 6 kids and a bully for a husband. It reminds me so much of my great grandparents. He used to drink his earnings and not leave enough to feed his kids adequately then moan about it. It's very sad that in many households nothing has changed. Mr Big Swinging Dick is happy to impregnate his woman but not to sort out support the resulting finances properly. Did either of you consider how to support 6 children before you had the last two?

Your husband won't sort the financial mess you are in, so you need to. So you need to organise a solution and present it to him.

You need a joint account for all household expenses (including childcare) You each pay in enough to cover your outgoings in proportion to what you earn. With the food shop you need to go through the receipt with him, item by item, until he understands what is needed to feed his family. You can try to get him to do the shopping but the most important thing is to make him understand the financial and mental load.

At some stage you will have 6 kids who cost as much as adults. How are you going to feed and clothe them? How will you house them? They can't all share forever.

Vinted is the only way we buy clothes unless it’s underwear. Also great for books and toys etc.
Chicken drum fillets are much cheaper than even thighs, in a slow cooker for most meals. Spanish chicken/curry/stew/mexican chicken/marry me chicken/chicken with mushrooms in a creamy sauce/chicken and leek pie. So much variation on cheap chicken. I also use butter beans a lot.
Pork is cheap so I make a pulled pork for wraps/tacos/mac and cheese.
A pasta everyone in my house eats is just reduced passata and stock with cream cheese. It’s one of the few meals they’ll all eat.
Iceland for the shit food like nuggets. 3 packs of 40 for a tenner.

Ultimately though looks like it’s your husbands spending. I’m sorry, but it’s on him.

Not all the children are jointly theirs.

Looking at this thread this morning, it's disappointing how many people have commented just to remark on the OP having 6 children in the household is the problem/what were they thinking/why did they have so many etc etc etc...! The fact is that the OP came on here for what MN is meant to be for, really, advice and possibly tips on how others are managing a large family budget. The OPs blended family has resulted in 6 children for her and DH to provide for, it's what it is, it is done. I wonder really how many people would have leapt on the OP to give her wicked stepmother status if she blamed or resented her DH children moving in for this? Opposite of that, from where I'm sitting, she's welcomed them and is trying to make the best of a challenging situation, whilst still working herself and quite frankly as someone who only had to raise one child and one step child I think she's to be admired and supported, not slated. The DH obviously needs to take way more responsibility regarding the budget, they need to sit down together as I said upthread- but this having a pop about the number of children and some of the really superior remarks- pointless, uncalled for and irrelevant to the OPs request for input and advice.

Do not forget the cat! We worked out yesterday that with her insurance ours costs £45 pm...!

😯 Absolutely. Having a pet these days is an absolute luxury! 🐈‍⬛

@LilyBunch25 , I don't think anyone is criticising OP's step-mothering.
The point about the 6 children is that already having 2 each, and debts, they had 2 shared children, and babies aren't cheap.

A 3-bed house, by today's standards, will be cramped. The 2 SC moving in has made it more so. The half-siblings are at different ages.

I completely understand that- my issue was with the comments only posted to criticise the amount of children, especially the "what were you thinking" type. That was my point.

They should have had enough room in the house for the two stepchildren anyway before they had to move in permanently, They then chose to have a further 2 children in a 3 bed house and then wonder where their money goes. They only have one teen, how are they going to afford it when more of them are teens and then uni etc

You can have as many children as you like as long as you can pay for them and they are happy. I take my hat off to anyone who can feed 8 people on £250 a week

Why do you assume people are bitter and jealous? It's a strange response. I actually don't understand why anyone would want so many children so I'm certainly not jealous.

You need to look at every single bill including your food shop. The £200 something for groceries isn’t unreasonable but if you can cut it you have to. Supermarket brand for everything. Then together you need to make pots for everything, including his hobby. If his money in the hobby pot runs out, he stops buying more that month. You have 6 children in a tough economic environment and your take home pays aren’t particularly accommodating, so you have to take extreme measures at least for a while.

The issue is a lack of forethought perhaps.

Even with 2 children each from former relationships, and then 2 more together, that is stretching things financially for any couple.

He should have thought ahead about the possible costs of his own children if their circumstances changed.

Does he earn enough to support 4 children with one woman and 2 with another?
Hardly.

He's not a mega earner. And although he and OP may have wanted their own family together, maybe 1 child would have been enough?

It's about the quality of life you can give your children and unless you're earning shedloads more children= less for each.

Not only has he got 4 children with 2 women, he's indulging his hobby and getting into debt.

Not a great guy IMO.

Because, they had a DS, DD, and 2 SD already. That's the 3-bed full already.

They then did the 'let's have a baby that's both of ours' x2.

OK, too late now, but common sense would have been to not expand the blended family.

Now they have DS12, SD 13, SD 11, DD 8, DS2, DD not yet 1, so will probably need a bigger house, bigger car etc.

The shared children are at the expensive nappy stage, the older DC are approaching teenage years and they are already struggling.

£500 a month on debt! Eek, he should be looking at his debt problem not the groceries