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Original poster

Partner says my Child Benefit should go towards his bills as well

515 replies

PrimeCrush · 12/10/2026 10:23

Been arguing about this since yesterday and wondering if im being unreasonable.

Me and my partner have been together 3 years and living together about 18 months. I have a ds who is 7 from a previous relationship, he lives with us full time and sees his dad alternate Saturdays. My partner has no children of his own.

We have a joint account for rent, bills, food etc but dont put all our wages in there. He earns more than me so he puts in £1000 a month and I put in £650. We agreed this when we moved in and its been fine up until now. We both keep the rest of our money in our own accounts.

I get child benefit for ds and it goes into my account. I use it for his school stuff, clothes, shoes, trips and all the little things that seem to come up constantly when you have a child. His dad pays £180 maintenance a month which helps but it doesnt cover everything and he buys him presents separately as well. Ive never really thought about putting the child benefit into our joint account because its for ds.

Anyway our joint account was a bit lower than usual this month because a few bills came out close together and my partner said I should start paying my child benefit into it. His argument is that ds lives here and uses the heating, eats the food etc so its not fair that I keep that money to myself when we’re supposed to be a family.

I said I already pay £650 a month towards the bills and food and he earns more than me so thats why we agreed on different amounts in the first place. He said thats not the point and if we had a child together the benefit would go into the joint account so he doesnt see why it should be different just because ds isnt biologically his.

I do get what he means to a point. Obviously ds uses things in the house and my partner does buy food he eats and things like that. Im not saying he should have to pay for everything for my child. But I also dont think the answer is that money I get to help bring up ds should automatically be used to cover bills when we already have an arrangement.

He reckons Im keeping it separate because I dont see us as a proper family. Thats not how I see it at all, but now Im wondering if Im being unfair.

Should child benefit go into a joint account when you’re living with someone who isnt the child’s parent?

OP posts:
DeanGaffneysPenisBeaker · 12/10/2026 18:56

snackatack · 12/10/2026 13:50

From your thread

You make
1450 - pay
108 - child benefit
180 - child maintenance
TOTAL: 2188 a month

He is paid: 2200

So once you take all your incoming amounts into account you earn near enough the same _ but he pays more into the joint account
so you are paid £12 difference a month

I'm not sure how you decided to pay so much less in than him. I know you say you buy things for your son - but could you pay the same as him into the joint account if you use that to buy his things?

currently you are 'saving' 338 a month for your son - are you really spending that much on him ?

Maths is not one of my strong points and even I can see that your amounts do not add up at all. How did you get to £2188 from those numbers!?

Tsubasa1 · 12/10/2026 19:05

@Constantrunner yes but that is the OP’s child
and not her partners!

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 12/10/2026 19:17

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/10/2026 16:37

Very good point.

Child Benefit (the clue is in the name its not called Partner Benefit)
It is a big red flag that he wants to take your £80 a month that you need to spend on your child's clothes, shoes and general living.

You already contribute to bills. OK so you've had a few more joint expenses recently. but The whole idea of Child Benefit was so that it would help support the child. Some people use it to build up savings for the child's future when they can afford to..
It's not for sharing with your partner and the fact that he keeps on about it, I would find very troubling. Begruding your primary school child benefitting from heating in a house that is already heated for both of you - well there are no words. They are not eating the same as a fully grown adult either.

He sounds mean and penny pinching and worse he's being resentful towards your child.

Show quote history

She contributes to bills? This is pretty standard, they are also her bills, why would she not.

taxedtothehilt · 12/10/2026 19:27

PrimeCrush · 12/10/2026 17:13

The £180 was agreed when we split up and it hasnt been increased since. I know thats probably not a lot now and I have thought about asking him but we dont have the easiest relationship and I tend to just leave things alone if theyre working well enough. He does work but I dont know exactly what he earns now. He has always paid what we agreed and buys ds things for birthdays and christmas so its not like he does nothing at all. I know that doesnt necessarily mean he shouldnt be paying more though.

Ds has never really stayed overnight at his dads. It started off because he was little and his dad wasnt that confident having him on his own for long periods, then it just became the arrangement we had. Ds is happy going there for the day and I havent pushed for more because I dont want to force it if his dad isnt comfortable with it. I know people will probably say thats ridiculous but thats how its ended up.

We did look at benefits when we moved in together and I lost some of what I was getting before. I cant remember the exact amounts now but I was getting help with rent before and obviously thats not the same now we’re both paying into the household. I wouldnt say Im worse off overall because the rent is cheaper between us than it was when I was on my own, but I do have less help towards my own costs if that makes sense.

The joint account isnt massively short every month. Its been a bit tight recently, maybe £100 or so, but its not like we’re hundreds and hundreds behind. Bills came out close together and we had a couple of other things to pay for. I said we could both put a bit extra in if thats what we need to do, I just dont think it should automatically be my child benefit that fills the gap.

I do understand what people are saying about him paying more towards the household while ds lives here. He does pay more into the joint account than I do and ds obviously benefits from that, so Im not pretending otherwise. But I also pay for a lot of ds’s things separately and do most of the childcare, so I dont think its as simple as saying my partner is subsidising him and thats the end of it. Maybe we need to sit down and look at the whole arrangement rather than arguing over one payment.

Maybe you need to speak to the father of your child and go through formal channels !

taxedtothehilt · 12/10/2026 19:31

rwalker · 12/10/2026 17:03

He’d be better just asking you for another £50 rather than saying where it comes from
but your paying £650 for 2 of you and he’s paying £1000 for 1

100%

PinkEasterbunny · 12/10/2026 19:37

Ophy83 · 12/10/2026 11:11

I think his point is that he is effectively contributing more for your child than either of that child's parents.

This

Tharealkate · 12/10/2026 19:38

He does work but I dont know exactly what he earns now. He has always paid what we agreed and buys ds things for birthdays and christmas so its not like he does nothing at all. I know that doesnt necessarily mean he shouldnt be paying more though

Some people really accept the bare minimum from men and it’s painful. So what if he buys Christmas presents for his kids? I know you’re acknowledging it doesn’t mean he shouldn’t he paying more - but the fact you even typed this out as if it’s something worth mentioning.

I mean every year I used to buy Christmas and birthday presents for about 7 kids that aren’t even related to me (2 best friends kids)

I will never understand why some women expect and demand more from people who are not the fathers of their child than from the actual father.

You’ll need to speak to your ex @PrimeCrush

Tharealkate · 12/10/2026 19:42

Ds has never really stayed overnight at his dad’s. It started off because he was little and his dad wasnt that confident having him on his own for long periods, then it just became the arrangement we had

And this. The bar is sooo low.

I’ve had my close friends and cousins kids overnight since they were 3! Ffs. And I’m childfree. How can he not look after his own child? Ridiculous.

Your kids dad is really winning, OP, from his POV his ex and the new man have the kid every single night, while he only pays £180 a month and has no overnights.

The one thing I’d say is that OP’s partner did (rather foolishly) accept this situation walking into it. But I suppose sometimes you don’t know how you’ll feel about something until you experience it.

Not only is it unfair but it’s not a good situation for you in that God forbid if anything happens to you surely you’d want a father to be able to step in and be a proper parent? He needs to get some experience. Even if it’s just one night a month to start with.

Constantrunner · 12/10/2026 19:47

I wouldn't push a reluctant dad to have his son over night. It's your son that has to come first and a reluctant dad is not going to be great at taking care of him.

Constantrunner · 12/10/2026 19:50

I think OP your partner is taking the piss personally.

But as you can see from this thread 5here are plenty of people who will defend men who do that.

By the way if you do get more maintenance that is for your son. Not so your partner can have lots of personal spending money even though bills are rising.

Tharealkate · 12/10/2026 19:52

Constantrunner · 12/10/2026 19:47

I wouldn't push a reluctant dad to have his son over night. It's your son that has to come first and a reluctant dad is not going to be great at taking care of him.

No one said force it or drop the kid off and walk away, but it seems like they may not have even had the conversation about starting overnight ever since he initially said he was worried about having the kid overnight when he was little.

At some point it would’ve been good to review that as the kid was obviously older and may be less “daunting” 🙄 at least suggest it. Maybe he will gain “confidence” 🙄

Constantrunner · 12/10/2026 19:55

@Tharealkate a dad who wants his son overnight raises the issue. He never has.

Awkwardisfunny · 12/10/2026 20:01

PrimeCrush · 12/10/2026 10:23

Been arguing about this since yesterday and wondering if im being unreasonable.

Me and my partner have been together 3 years and living together about 18 months. I have a ds who is 7 from a previous relationship, he lives with us full time and sees his dad alternate Saturdays. My partner has no children of his own.

We have a joint account for rent, bills, food etc but dont put all our wages in there. He earns more than me so he puts in £1000 a month and I put in £650. We agreed this when we moved in and its been fine up until now. We both keep the rest of our money in our own accounts.

I get child benefit for ds and it goes into my account. I use it for his school stuff, clothes, shoes, trips and all the little things that seem to come up constantly when you have a child. His dad pays £180 maintenance a month which helps but it doesnt cover everything and he buys him presents separately as well. Ive never really thought about putting the child benefit into our joint account because its for ds.

Anyway our joint account was a bit lower than usual this month because a few bills came out close together and my partner said I should start paying my child benefit into it. His argument is that ds lives here and uses the heating, eats the food etc so its not fair that I keep that money to myself when we’re supposed to be a family.

I said I already pay £650 a month towards the bills and food and he earns more than me so thats why we agreed on different amounts in the first place. He said thats not the point and if we had a child together the benefit would go into the joint account so he doesnt see why it should be different just because ds isnt biologically his.

I do get what he means to a point. Obviously ds uses things in the house and my partner does buy food he eats and things like that. Im not saying he should have to pay for everything for my child. But I also dont think the answer is that money I get to help bring up ds should automatically be used to cover bills when we already have an arrangement.

He reckons Im keeping it separate because I dont see us as a proper family. Thats not how I see it at all, but now Im wondering if Im being unfair.

Should child benefit go into a joint account when you’re living with someone who isnt the child’s parent?

I think he doesn't understand the point of child benefit. That would just go into a separate account for me and anything left would add up over time and either pay for big ticket items like trips or I would gift to my child when they're older.

I would explain it like that.

Then, ask if he wants to renegotiate how much you pay towards the bills. It doesn't matter which pot the money comes from(!) - sounds like he wants or needs you to contribute more.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 12/10/2026 20:02

Constantrunner · 12/10/2026 19:50

I think OP your partner is taking the piss personally.

But as you can see from this thread 5here are plenty of people who will defend men who do that.

By the way if you do get more maintenance that is for your son. Not so your partner can have lots of personal spending money even though bills are rising.

Covering bills for the household the son lives in, is money contributing towards the son. Nothing wrong with maintenance going on general living costs rather than specific items like clothes.

Tharealkate · 12/10/2026 20:02

Constantrunner · 12/10/2026 19:55

@Tharealkate a dad who wants his son overnight raises the issue. He never has.

He may not be father of the year clearly paying those paltry sums but that doesn’t mean she should just let him off the hook.

She should at least sit down and say she thinks her son would do well at his dads now that he’s older (if the son is open to it) and she’s confident he can handle his own 7 year old son ffs. He may not initially jump for joy but who knows? He may enjoy it and gain some “confidence” from having his son a whole night every month 🙄.

Btw, I am dropping this emoji🙄and putting speech marks around certain words because I’m not convinced he is “nervous” to take his own child overnight.

Many of my friends had to suggest it to their lazy exes to start doing overnights. Every single one of them said yes and it became a thing and in most cases except for one I can think of it went well.

Goes without saying obviously it can and should be reviewed to make sure son is being treated well and if she has any serious concerns to stop it.

OPs son is hopefully articulate enough at 7 to voice any issues or if he doesn’t want the overnights.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 12/10/2026 20:03

Awkwardisfunny · 12/10/2026 20:01

I think he doesn't understand the point of child benefit. That would just go into a separate account for me and anything left would add up over time and either pay for big ticket items like trips or I would gift to my child when they're older.

I would explain it like that.

Then, ask if he wants to renegotiate how much you pay towards the bills. It doesn't matter which pot the money comes from(!) - sounds like he wants or needs you to contribute more.

Show quote history

no, child benefit does not need to be for anything specific - it’s just additional income. No reason why it should be set aside.

Winter2020 · 12/10/2026 20:09

FunPartyIdeas · 12/10/2026 18:12

The father - who has shared financial responsibility for his child with the mother - should be paying what CMS stipulate.
The stepfather - who has no financial responsibility to the child who is not his - should not be expected to make up any shortfall.

Edited

If the boyfriend/step father had said to the OP when they discussed moving in together "I am not prepared to subsidise you and your son in any way. I expect you to cover all your expenses and his expenses so you should be paying more than 50% of all bills" then OP would have run a mile.

OP would have not wanted to be with that man on an emotional level and she would know that she would also be better off financially on her own with benefit top ups. I expect before they moved in together the boyfriend declared he was happy to pay more than 50% of the bills as he was the higher earner and said that he loved OP and her son came with her as part of the package. He agreed the financial split as far as OP has told us. It is only now that OP has given up her independence and security that he is able to start being tight and squeezing OP for more.

I think ideally OP would get her own independent life back as her partner is treating her and her child as a burden but that is easier said than done.

taxedtothehilt · 12/10/2026 20:11

Op has given up her independence ? Shes not working full time and doesn't pay her way 🤷‍♀️

Somethinggg · 12/10/2026 20:11

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 12/10/2026 20:02

Covering bills for the household the son lives in, is money contributing towards the son. Nothing wrong with maintenance going on general living costs rather than specific items like clothes.

Show quote history

Yep. Paying towards food, bills and the home he lives in is spending money on DS.

strictlybusinessuntildecember · 12/10/2026 20:16

You are paying £650 to house both you and your child? Do you think you’d pay that privately? He may earn more but he is also subsidising the cost of a child living with him who isn’t his child. So Yes TBH child maintenance and child benefit should go in the pot

InterIgnis · 12/10/2026 20:17

Winter2020 · 12/10/2026 20:09

If the boyfriend/step father had said to the OP when they discussed moving in together "I am not prepared to subsidise you and your son in any way. I expect you to cover all your expenses and his expenses so you should be paying more than 50% of all bills" then OP would have run a mile.

OP would have not wanted to be with that man on an emotional level and she would know that she would also be better off financially on her own with benefit top ups. I expect before they moved in together the boyfriend declared he was happy to pay more than 50% of the bills as he was the higher earner and said that he loved OP and her son came with her as part of the package. He agreed the financial split as far as OP has told us. It is only now that OP has given up her independence and security that he is able to start being tight and squeezing OP for more.

I think ideally OP would get her own independent life back as her partner is treating her and her child as a burden but that is easier said than done.

Show quote history

Given that he isn’t the father, he has the luxury of changing his mind after experiencing the reality of it. OP chose to proceed and put herself and her son in a vulnerable position - relying on her partner to provide financial security when he was and is in no way obliged to. He has been very generous, and OP has got a very good deal here.

If that doesn’t suit her, then she can up her hours and work on providing that security for herself and her child.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 12/10/2026 20:28

InterIgnis · 12/10/2026 20:17

Given that he isn’t the father, he has the luxury of changing his mind after experiencing the reality of it. OP chose to proceed and put herself and her son in a vulnerable position - relying on her partner to provide financial security when he was and is in no way obliged to. He has been very generous, and OP has got a very good deal here.

If that doesn’t suit her, then she can up her hours and work on providing that security for herself and her child.

Edited
Show quote history

The change in mind also seems to be driven by them not having enough in the joint account to cover expenses. More money is needed from somewhere so he’s made a suggestion

Billy47 · 12/10/2026 20:36

I have an issue with this....

I also pay for a lot of ds’s things separately and do most of the childcare, so I dont think its as simple as saying my partner is subsidising him and thats the end of it.

You pay for your child and provide childcare for your child because they are your child. Of course DP is subsidising you if he's putting in £1000 and you are paying £650. However, that's the agreement he signed up for when you discussed who would pay what. Instead of focusing on child benefit he should be saying love we are a bit short this month can you put in an extra £50.

On a side note if Dc dad is working on the books go through CM instead of doing a private agreement. If he's self employed it could shoot you in the foot.

Constantrunner · 12/10/2026 20:38

InterIgnis · 12/10/2026 20:17

Given that he isn’t the father, he has the luxury of changing his mind after experiencing the reality of it. OP chose to proceed and put herself and her son in a vulnerable position - relying on her partner to provide financial security when he was and is in no way obliged to. He has been very generous, and OP has got a very good deal here.

If that doesn’t suit her, then she can up her hours and work on providing that security for herself and her child.

Edited
Show quote history

No he is obliged to provide financial security while they live together.
If they split up the state will step in and offer financial security.

FunPartyIdeas · 12/10/2026 20:42

@Constantrunner He's not "obliged" to do anything!