Husband wants to sell my pre-marriage flat to clear debts

[rdsh]

I’m just asking somewhere objective.

I have a flat I owned before I met DH. It is let out and the income is quite good. I do rely on it to a certain extent because I don’t earn much.

DH however wants to sell it: he wants to clear some debt.

I guess I’m just wondering WWYD … I want to keep it but part of that is perhaps because it benefits me rather than the whole family?

i think you need to set aside some time to sit down with your husband and a calculator and figure out where you are. Get the kids looked after for a Sunday afternoon and have a calm space to talk about it. You are both responsible for this and you don’t want a horrible surprise for later.

Anything around the figures you’re thinking is a huge amount of money to have no explanation for. Is it two fancy cars? Can you downsize? How much can you pay it down a month? What if you set up a separate fun money account for maybe £100 a month (or whatever makes sense on your budget) for things like ice cream or whatever and then when it’s gone, that’s it? I appreciate you need to do a lot of maturing around money but you need to get a handle on it before you lose the house or can’t pay your core bills.

Thanks. It isn’t so much that I feel devalued by his salary; if I was full time mine would be circa £50,000 which OK, isn’t a fortune in today’s world but is more than adequate.

But I’m not full time and while some of that is choice and I really do value the time I get with my children, I do also find this is the huge drawback (of course!)

It’s hard to explain because we don’t have joint finances and I can’t really insist that we do. So people saying that I need to do this and I need to do that - well OK, but DH needs to as well and my part is a drop in the ocean really.

Easter doesn’t have to cost a fortune but this is what I’m trying to explain; even if I stick to national trust trails and the free activities there’s still a cost to them. Our local forestry centre is brilliant. £4 for parking and £3 per child to do a trail with a medal, massive outdoor play area and little softplay too. So even that you’ve spent £10. OK, I don’t have to do it - we could just stay in for the whole two weeks - but even then they will need feeding!

We’ve tried @PurpleThistle7 , we never get anywhere and I can’t insist he does X Y or Z, I guess that’s what I need to take away from it; if I sell the flat he needs to sacrifice something as well and if he won’t then I don’t, or can’t.

You need a spreadsheet OP. People here seem to be coming at it from a 'who's debt is it' perspective, but the more fundamental question is; what is the right decision from a Financial Planning perspective? To answer this question, you need a spreadsheet.

Broadly, it us unlikely to be a good idea to sell the flat IF you are able to clear the debts by spending less. So you need to put down all your income and expenditure and work out how long it will take you to clear the debts and decide if you are prepared to commit to that level of expenditure. Build in contingency in the budget etc.

If you are not able to clear the debts though spending less, you need a plan to clear it another way. Can you sell anything else or cut back in other ways?

Do you have an alternative plan if you don't like the 'sell the flat' plan?

It sounds like you both contributed to the accumulation of the debt so you need a joint (informed) decision about how to get out of it.

reading ops posts it looks like they have a child in private school and expensive car loans

These sound like joint decisions surely?

And clearly it seems like they can't afford their current lifestyle so they need to make some grown up decisions about priorities

Well she could work nights or weekends if her husband works standard working hours. Not saying that would be pleasant for anyone but plenty do it.

How much equity is in the flat, and would it sell easily?

I tend to agree with others that I'd really want to go through everything with a fine toothed comb first. Work out how things got that way and how they won't get that way again after you've sold the flat and no longer have an asset.

@2026Y i can do a budget for me but I never find them tremendously helpful; always seem to underestimate and then money only goes so far. Maybe DH finds the same.

It’s owned outright; it would hopefully sell for around £95,000. But then when it’s on the market it hasn’t got a tenant.

It might be wise for you both to go and see a financial advisor and fully disclose everything. Selling a bricks and mortar asset is very short-sighted - it’ll be worth a fortune come retirement for example.

It might be better to consolidate all the debt, car loans, overdrafts, credit cards etc and re-mortgage on your current property.

It’s hard to explain because we don’t have joint finances and I can’t really insist that we do. So people saying that I need to do this and I need to do that - well OK, but DH needs to as well and my part is a drop in the ocean really.

Well, your part includes the flat. For me, it's either all one pot or it isn't. He can't have it both ways.

I think that this isn’t possible at the moment either due to penalties or because of not being able to extend the mortgage. I can’t remember which if I am truthful.

I’m actually more concerned the more you post. If you can’t budget then how will you know when things aren’t right? This is a much bigger issue than a flat or no flat.

Wait - you don't have joint finances and you are raising children. You don't need joint finances to do that but how does he contribute to the daily costs of the upkeep of his children when you're counting pennies for a day out at Easter?

I’m inclined to agree but I do think (and justifiably perhaps) he would argue that he’s ‘subbed’ me (not that I think he exactly sees it like that but in the interests of fairness.)

I think most of us are hearing you on this op.

And there is a real risk that the parent in full-time work doesn't hear it, because they don't understand the incidental costs with dc if the other parent is fielding it.

I reckon loads of working parents spend at least as much on Costa coffees and bought sandwiches etc as they nip to and from the office as a sahm/part-time parent spends on their own similar splurges. But the difference is you don't pick up one box of sandwiches: you pick up yours plus lunch for all dc.

If he doesn't want to share finances, he at least needs to make sure you are getting adequate contribution from him. he can't just say "it's all mine because I'm the one who puts on a suit and only looks after myself." Its his family too.

I think this really highlights that you shouldn't sell your flat. You have apparently racked up all this debt, as a family, but you are unable to review your finances as a family. You have no idea what the money is being spent on and how this debt has accumulated, and your husband wants you to liquidate your only asset and put that money into the family pot, that you know nothing about. Massive red flag tbh.

No OP it isn't about it for tat, you are a family unit and the money should be treated as one. If he isn't willing to come to a joint budget and joint family spending then you need to consider why you are trying to function as a joint unit because you aren't one.

I think the thing with the budget is that if I sit down and I say - OK, so my income each month is £1600 after tax and then my outgoings are £1800 but these outgoings are fixed and there’s no real way around that, then what do you do? That’s a rhetorical question by the way; I’m not necessarily expecting answers.

why can’t you insist on joint finances. Working part time is a luxury that you seemingly can’t afford and it isn’t forever. You’ve stated already that if the marriage ended, you’d go full time so why not increase your hours now? As a family, the income needs to increase and the debt to decrease. Everyone is coming up with solutions that you turn down.

If he thinks he's 'subbing' you while you stay at home looking after his kids full time then again, massive red flag. You know how much full time childcare costs, thats what you are saving the family while you are at home. He ain't subbing nothing.

I’m not saying it is tit for tat? Perhaps we have misunderstood one another. What I’m saying is that it has to be something we agree together and commit to together and it doesn’t feel like it is; it feels like I’m expected to make the sacrifice. Maybe that’s unfair though.

A budget needs some effort to stick to. Work out what you can afford amd stick to it, don't just spend what you like then look at your budget and say it doesn't work!

I used to have a similar attitude, but honestly a budget is the best thing you can do, and record every last penny you spend.

How are your pensions looking? Don't forget they need some attention too.

Then I suppose I’d stop buying ice cream and parking and look for a weekend job. If that’s the theoretical situation you’re in then you need to do two things - either lower expenses or raise income. You can’t just have neverending confusion and ever growing debt.

Working part time isn’t really a luxury, if I worked full time we’d be no better off at the moment and in fact would be worse off, as well as having to do things like move DS schools and so on, so that’s not really what I’m asking.

Neither of us want joint finances particularly but I do need some transparency, maybe we’ve both been avoiding a difficult conversation but it never seems to achieve anything.