Husband wants to sell my pre-marriage flat to clear debts

[rdsh]

I’m just asking somewhere objective.

I have a flat I owned before I met DH. It is let out and the income is quite good. I do rely on it to a certain extent because I don’t earn much.

DH however wants to sell it: he wants to clear some debt.

I guess I’m just wondering WWYD … I want to keep it but part of that is perhaps because it benefits me rather than the whole family?

Exactly, fix the issue which sounds like low income or overspending. Can you up your days at work OP? If you say that DHs attitude to money is toxic then it's a red flag that he is putting you under pressure to sell a safety net asset IMO.

If you want to keep it i think you need either a weekend job or to work FT and suck up the childcare costs, it really won't be that long before the 15/30 hours kick in and you can use your wage to clear debt.

If you defer to him with this you will be opening the door for him to switch into full 'What's yours is mine and what's mine my own' mode.
He's feeling for what he can get away with; how much of your stuff can he appropriate as his own.

Who is managing the rental?

If he is already starting to resent you over money then do not sell at all dont even think about it as you may need that property to live in yourself in the not so distant future.

It does frustrate me @Calliopespa and I feel like we’ve both slid into bad habits, I know things weren’t like this at the start of the relationship; things were much more equal.

I’d feel happier about selling the flat if we could actually talk about it openly but instead it becomes a series of barely disguised swipes. Although maybe I’m just reading them that way. Truthfully I am not brilliant with money; I like spending it not in a designer handbag way but more … forgot my wipes, need to buy a packet, whoops, need a bottle of water, I really like the look of that book … that sort of thing. And it can add up a lot; I know this.

How much is the debt and what is the interest? Have you moved whatever is possible to lower/zero interest deals? Have you done a budget and changed your lifestyle to one you can afford? Can you afford to repay it without selling the flat? How long will it take you to repay it?

What's the value of the flat? How much income does it bring you a month after it's costs? How much income will it bring you over the time you'd be repaying the debt? Do you expect the tentents to be stable over that time or do you expect some periods of it lying empty? How much would you expect it to increase in value in that time?

You need to do the maths to see which is the better option on paper and then put that together with how you feel about selling it.

Letting agents

You haven't addressed how the pair of you can make a reasonable attempt to address the debts though.

It's a not-uncommon reaction to more day to day stress in your life (like becoming a parent.)

Psychologically you are thinking "let's not make the wipes a problem when £2.30 can fix it."

I think many of us do it to some extent - and those who don't create other stresses.

I wouldn't sell the flat but i would try to become more involved in finances. It sounds like this might mean working out how to talk about money together in a productive way.
Put an empty water bottle in your bag so you can fill it for free, if you want, but if you need baby wipes you need baby wipes. Babies are expensive.

I don’t know the answers to all those questions @ICanLiveWithIt but the income from the flat is around £400 after tax and fees and so on.

So DH said the debt was £65,000 which I suspect is exaggerated for effect; it probably is that but it will be in the form of car finance and loans rather than credit cards.

The flat doesn’t lie empty but the tenants tend to be fairly short term, a year or two. And so there is sometimes a month with no income because of the letting agents charging a finders’ fee. This has come up recently which is why DH is talking about it again.

Well yes it is stuff like this I need to do but I mean it more illustratively - that sometimes when you’re out and about you find money is spent, even with cheap and free things. Easter is likely to be costly for instance even if I don’t do expensive activities: just parking and ice creams and what have you.

I wouldn't sell it as a first port of call. I'd do a full proper budget (maybe this one: https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/budget-planning/#spreadsheet) and work out how you, as a couple, could tighten things to pay off the debt without selling the flat. Basically reduce the champagne lifestyle now to make sure you can enjoy life more in the longer term.If you sell the flat now to pay off debt without looking at income and expenditure then you'll sell the flat, burn through the money and then have no flat and no rental income and go back into debt (potentially).

I'd also look at how the debt is structured - loans, credit cards etc? You could either consolidate the debt into one loan to reduce overall interest or snowball (where you chuck as much money as possible into paying off higher interest credit cards first and just pay the minimum on lower interest credit cards/loans).

It's having children. I think you need to do a fresh budget - and don't be surprised that the costs are greater than the way you lived before.

I hear what you are saying and suspect you probably could tighten your belt, but he also needs to accept families spend more than couples.

@Mosaic80 i think that is what DH has done a few times but then we end up knocked sideways by something else which is frustrating of course.

Well to be honest Easter will be as expensive as you want it to be. You don’t have to do things that involve parking and ice creams. Or at least not every day.

It’s easy to spend on frivolous things. We all do it. But you are just adding to the problem.

You really need to sit down and look at your finances properly and agree a plan. So you both have spending money. But you also stick to a budget. And start clearing the debt.

I think you're sleep walking into a very dodgy position through not wanting to take responsibility. Not for the debt, but for your share of responsibility for family finances.

You don't even know how much the debt actually is. You're letting him control financies. You've been on long-term Mat leave and now only work 2 days a week.

If your marriage goes tits up, you're going to be fucked. He will be fine. He has a fulltime job.

Get with it.
Sit down and YOU work out how much is owed.
How much the repayments are.
How much your incomes each are.
Sort out a budget.

And each have a way you're going to contribute towards payment to reduce the debt.

If you and Dh arent capable of having a clear conversation about money with spreadsheets in front of you and it all laid it clearly, then dont consider any big moves until you can have that conversation.

Major financial awareness and planning by both of you together is needed in your relationship. If that is not possible, you have bigger problems than a question of whether to sell the flat

If you don't learn to live within your means (which includes making regular contributin to a savings account) then if you sell the flat, any left over money will be spent on 'lifestyle', you won't have learnt anything and in a couple of years you will be back in debt, only this time with no flat either.

When you eventually have your light bulb moment re debt habits, you'll be so mad at yourself that you no longer have that property

You seem to have a very casual attitude to a very enormous debt!
Can cars be sold for.cheaper ones?
Can you sell other things you have bought on vinted or similar?
Could you work compressed hours to get more paid work in without increasing the number of days childcare you need? My work let me work evenings and weekends to do extra hours around the children

I think it you don't want the flat sold you need to get very grown up about making a plan to get the debt downn

My ex wanted me to do this….now getting divorced so I’d have cleared all his debt for nothing.

This too.

Do you have a good private pension? Because personally I would view this flat as a long term investment for your retirement. Don’t sell it. The money will be thrown down the drain within a few months.

work on managing your expenses better.

Selling the flat will address the symptom but not the cause of how you got into this debt, £65k is substantial and a lot more than having too many lunches out. You need to get that part sorted first. Danger is you’ll sell the flat and then you’ll blow through the rest really quickly