Husband wants to sell my pre-marriage flat to clear debts

[rdsh]

I’m just asking somewhere objective.

I have a flat I owned before I met DH. It is let out and the income is quite good. I do rely on it to a certain extent because I don’t earn much.

DH however wants to sell it: he wants to clear some debt.

I guess I’m just wondering WWYD … I want to keep it but part of that is perhaps because it benefits me rather than the whole family?

If you sell it what happens if you end up in more debt? It sounds Iike you need to reduce your outgoings, not an income stream.

You need a sit down and some planning OP. Both your attitudes to money sound like they clash and selling an asset to clear debts won't solve the problem. All it will do is take away your property and the same issue will crop up again a bit later on.

If you're not earning much then you need to knock off the spending. Start to clear the debts instead.

Under no circumstances would I sell a valuable asset without understanding the extent of the debt, what you can afford, how much that debt will cost you in interest over the timeframe you're paying for it. And balancing that against the true value of the asset - income from it over that timescale, it's value now and potential value in the future, it's future income after the debt is repaid and if you'd ever be in a position to purchase an equivalent in the future.

Do not sell unless and untill you can answer those questions. You said you're not good with money - it's a skill you need to and absolutely can learn. If you don't you could loose thousands on this.

You mentioned some of the debt is a car loan. Is it an expensive new car? Cutting that loose ASAP and buying a cheap second hand car for cash would be a more sensible first choice than selling an asset that generates income.

£65k seems like a lot of debt to accumulate on nothing in particular…

If you list your income, outgoings and assets and debts, posters will be able to help you. I would be reluctant to sell my flat, but without seeing the full picture it’s hard to advise you properly.

@Slightyamusedandsilly i don’t really disagree, it’s just difficult to assert yourself financially when you aren’t contributing much or at all.

I won’t be ‘fucked’ if the marriage goes ‘tits up’ and I would like to ask for responses to maybe be in the spirit that I’ve tried to reply in, which is polite and respectful. Sorry, I’m not meaning to sound like a particularly prudent vicar, but I don’t think I really deserve that sort of language although I get you didn’t mean it ‘at’ me - but still!

If the marriage ended tomorrow and let’s say hypothetically DH pays no CM and I have the children 24/7 (which contradict one another but I’m dealing in the hypothetical) I won’t be fucked. I would however have to work full time, move my eldest from the school he’s happy and settled in and to a school with wraparound care, which he’d have to go in five days a week and my younger child would also have to attend FT nursery. I would also be eligible for child benefit and the thirty funded hours which would help. So - I would manage although not be flush of course and the children would be adversely impacted rather than me really.

However to take the broader point, I do agree, but it is difficult insisting that you have a say in finances when ultimately they aren’t yours. I feel a bit trapped as I can’t earn more without nursery fees also rising. This isn’t forever though. But I will always earn less than DH.

If it’s his debt, no way!

If it’s yours, find another way to reduce it. Any property is a valuable asset to hold on to as far as possible. Watch your spending like a hawk, cut down wherever you can, zero impulse buys, forget takeaway coffees etc. And preferably cut up credit cards if you can’t trust yourself not to use them. Keep a debit card only.

I guess I’m wondering what your proposal is? You can’t keep spending like this if you don’t have it. You said you can’t work more, you can’t sell the flat, you can’t reign in your spending… so what can you do?

I can’t because I don’t know. And even if I did some of it is DH. I can do a budget myself but it is the unexpected and sometimes income only goes so far.

I don’t think I said I couldn’t reign in the spending; if that’s the impression I’ve given it wasn’t intentional. I’m trying to explain how it came about.

If you need the income from the flat to supplement your wage how will you mange with out it? I’d keep the flat but use the income to get the debt down and together agree ways to cut back on your life style.

NO

You sound very childlike about this
You both need to sit down and go through all the debts. And then you need to make a budget which includes paying down the debts and building up savings.

Some of the flat income should be set aside for void periods and repairs.

This. You both need to cut back on all aspects of your spending. I wouldn't sell the flat because it sounds as if there is a serious lack of transparency and honesty around financial responsibilities in your relationship.

To be honest, you need to have a word with yourself and get to know what’s going on. How can you not be screwed if the marriage ended tomorrow? It sounds like you are paying for education which you can’t afford. £65k debt is a phenomenal amount for 2 (if I read that right) maternity leaves - the packet of wipes here and a bottle of water there is negligible.

And he will never carry a baby to full term. Contributions don't have to be the same in kind to be equal.

Please don't let yourself feel devalued by his bigger salary. It's one of the weird spin-offs of what was actually intended to be a positive improvement for the position of women in society.

This. You need to learn to budget properly, and keep the flat as a back up asset. Once it's gone it's gone.

Frankly a grown woman with a young family who fritters away money, saying 'Oh, I'm hopeless with money', meanwhile blaming her DH as being toxic with money, needs to grow the fuck up and start taking some proper responsibility.

What is your family car situation op? I have a friend who is a financial adviser and she said it is the first area she looks at for overspending.

ETA She said she is amazed by the number of people are driving round big expensive cars they actually can't afford to own.

Having lived through a very similar situation with my own mother, I can state (I'll put it more politely if you wish) that the huge downturn in my mother's financial position drastically changed our lives.

You are not a passive party in your marriage. It involves two adults. So if he wants you to take a share of the responsibility, he needs to open access to the information to you.

But I reiterate. You both need to share in the responsibility for repayment. You cannot hide your head in the sand and allow him to simultaneously block you from the information and demand you repay the debt.

I would definitely not see the flat though. It's the only security you have.

Selling the flat should only ever be a final effort before bankruptcy because right now it isn't just benefiting you - it is your income that is going to the family.
You need to have a conversation where you sit down and go through everything, lay it all out on the table.
You both need to look at bank accounts, credit cards, debt etc and solve it together. Paying off the debt is only step 1 because how do you keep it from piling up again and when there's no flat to sell what then?

You need to put all your income into a budget, work out what is necessary spending, which debts have highest interest and need paid off first and then work way down them. Set budgets for food and everything else, cut out extras if you have to.

If your husband is not willing to do the above, absolutely do not sell the flat because it could be either a control thing or things are much worse and either way you're up a creek.

It is hard I know and disheartening when a broken washing machine or something eats up all the spare money. I think the MSE budget is a good one as it takes into account things like haircuts, christmas and birthdays, emergency fund, car costs which it's easy to forget.

I have a bank account where you can put money in "pots" which is handy so I send £50 a month to Christmas, £100 to car costs pot etc etc. It's so nice when something happens and I have the money there waiting to fund it. You can transfer at the beginning of the month so it's all sorted just after wages go in.

It may also be worth getting a family pass to an activity to reduce costs of things to do with the kids. I buy ice lollies and ice cream cones from Aldi to have at home.

You could also look at at downgrading the car(s) if they're worth a fair bit.

Having said all that, if the money really isn't there in the budget to pay all your bills and pay off the debt then refillable water bottles or ice lollies at home isn't going to change that vastly. But if you do the spreadsheet again, at least you'll know.

If it all goes tit's up, that income will never leave you.

Find another way. I dont think that taking on more hours here will solve your issues. Motherhood is a job, and theres no point in working more to pay someone to do what you do now.

Just cut back on everything. Your disposable income is gone now, so no holidays or expensive purchases in 2026 - the focus is on saving and clearing the debt.

But dont

Is your DH aware that most of ‘your’ money is spent on the children? I’m asking because it sounds as though he pays all the bills (as he’s the higher earner), then you have your wages and rental income for child-related costs, which he could perceive as non-essential/ fun money rather than necessary family costs. Especially as you say his attitude towards money has become more toxic recently.

DH and I had a joint account for shared bills before children, and afterwards I started using the joint account for all child-related costs as well (clothes, days out, etc). I didn’t think about it at the time, but it did have the value of showing DH what things cost.

From similar threads on MN, it seems a lot of women just pay for child-related costs themselves, and this can lead their partners perception that women are responsible for these costs but at the same time, the costs should be negligible/ are only for frivolous things.

I think the risk here is that he doesn't appreciate how much 'spending on the children' costs. He needs to understand that if you sell the flat the income from that will need to be made up every month, because the kids still exist. So where is that monthly income into the family going to come from? Its absolute madness to sell an asset that is making money to clear debts.

Good point on how HE’s going to clear his % of the debt. If you’ve been on Mat pay and less than normal did he pick up the slack, reduce his spending and share money fairly?

If he’s got a toxic attitude to money now it won’t improve.

If you can, try and ring fence your asset. If he’d also saved harder and sacrificed pre-marriage he could also have had a flat.