Resenting our joint finances

[siblingname]

When my DH and I first met 6 years ago, I was earning slightly more than him. Since then we’ve married and had two children. I’ve had two maternity leaves, which slowed my career progression, while he got promotions, changed companies twice and now earns quite a bit more than me.

Right now, I earn £3,500 a month and he earns £4,500, and we both pay £3,000 into the joint account each month. That leaves me with around £500 for myself, from which I pay £200 for a course and the rest on commuting or personal spending.

Meanwhile he has £1500 of disposable income, a third of it is commuting cost but the rest is mainly takeaways, gym memberships, haircuts etc. He says he can do what he likes as it is “his” money.

I feel resentful that I’m being very careful with my personal and family spending to save up for an extension while he doesn’t really worry about money in the same way.

We live in an expensive suburb of London with high childcare costs as both kids are under 4.

AIBU to think he should contribute more so we can save up more as a family?

You're not working as a team. That's never going to work in the long run, especially with kids. You need to review your financesand goals together so that you can get on the same page

You should have equal spending money. All our money goes into the one pot then we each get the same amount transferred to our own accounts. Anything less I think is unfair.

Oh hell no. "His"money? Who the fuck does he think he is.

were similar in that we earn 1k difference between us (Unless either of us do overtime) however like others it all goes into the joint and from there it gets put into our personal and savings. 3k each is a lot for bills! Is some of that for saving too?

I don't believe in his money and her money. We share it all.

Based on what op has already said, I'd not be surprised if mortgage is 2-3k and then possibly another 2k+ in childcare.

So he actually has £1000 for himself after commuting. How much of your £500 do you have?

Reduce you’re amount so it’s the same percentage he is contributing.

it’s not a fair distribution of finances

I agree that proportional input is fairer.

£8k income and £6k of that is the shared bills - what’s the breakdown of that?

We have a difference like that in take home pay as I’m part time so it means that DH pays for more things that are for the family/household, like holidays, new furniture etc.
I wouldn’t be paying commuting costs from my personal money though as that’s an essential family cost.

One partner has taken huge hits to long term earnings current & potential by taking maternity leave

The other partner has taken leaps forward in earnings current & potential - while benefiting from not being the one birthing and feeding the babies.

Defining it as his money/ her money is never fair after children.

Agreed. It makes me so angry that women are still getting screwed over in their careers and then get screwed over by their partners too.

DH and I combined everything as soon as we married. We weren’t planning to have DC then, but now that we do I really can’t imagine doing it any other way.

We have a similar difference and contribute proportionally. Every so often I recalculate to check it's right and just tell DH "you need to change your direct debit to X".

Proportional input doesn't work when there's a difference in income, the higher earner still ends up with more.

What's fairest is that you pay both salaries into a joint account that pays for all joint household costs and savings, including things like commuting costs. If the OPs course is for career development rather than a hobby, that would also come from the joint account.

Then what's available for adult personal money gets split 50/50 to individual accounts and that's what they both have for clothes, hobbies, takeaways, gym etc.

They've both become parents so they both need to share the financial detriment with reduced personal money.

Yes I keep forgetting about childcare costs. That’s about right I suppose.
2k left for all other bills and perhaps some savings

We don't pay in the same amount we work it so we have the same disposable money left each. That's fair to me and I say that as the higher earner. I have a spreadsheet I use every month which lists all bills savings, holiday fund, spending and saving for ds etc once that's all done whatever is left is divided in two. Our salaries fluctuate a bit though due to various allowances, on call etc.

My DH earns 10 times what I do. It all goes in a joint pot and we make joint decisions. He would never dream of a situation where I was cutting back and saving for an extension while he was still gallivanting around using ‘his’ spending money.

This needs to be nipped in the bud pronto. It’s really nasty attitude he is displaying and I hope you are still both close and loving and enough to one another that this will be an easy conversation.

This also allows for joint planning of goals more easily. If you have 8k coming in, 6k bills, and want to save 1k a month for an extension, then you each get £500 free spending money each month.

Another quite capable woman who fell into the trap of husband and children.
You earn decent money, continue to do so, without compromising.
You want a child - do it alone. Childcare, parents, never undermine your financial potential.
Again, speaking for myself.

That is very unfair on you. We don't have a joint account (although will be soon as i think it will make for an easier mortgage application), the bigger bills like rent, council tax, utilities go out of my account as they always have done as I used to earn more than dh in our very early 20s. He had a standing order into mine to cover his share plus more for food.

Over the years the amount of money he transfers to me has increased due to child expenses and the fact I went part time to help look after the dc. He earns more than double my income now and makes sure I am not struggling or spending all my income on essentials and the dc and covers most of my car payment to as he sees it as a family expense. Even though our finances are very much separate they seem more joint than the OPs.

Wheen was the 3k each agreed? What would he say if you said it needed looking at?

Did you still earn more than him when you first had children? How did it work then?

Id have a different definition of ‘bills’ in that I’d include commuting costs. Theres also a grey area in kids costs as there can be disagreements as to what counts as ‘essential’ for kids and who controls that spending - may need frequent negotiation.

But once you’ve done all that, yes a 50/50 split would be fairer.

This kind of financial abuse only seems to happen where the man earns slightly more to two or three times more than the woman and always seems to only benefit men. What would happen if you were earning more than him, OP? Would he be content to muddle along with a small amount of money while you booked yourself on nice holidays or took up an expensive hobby? And what if he earned £120k and you earned £36k? Would you both continue to put £36k per year into the joint account per year and you would have no disposable income at all while he can afford a luxurious lifestyle?

My husband and I have mismatched incomes but we both have the same disposable income paid into our own personal accounts each month. If there’s anything more expensive than we could pay for individually then we have a discussion about it and agree whether or not it comes out of the joint pot. For example he needed extra money recently to pay for new suits per work, and I needed extra money to pay for dental work that we couldn’t afford out of our own individual accounts.

This is what we do, you're married, you're supposed to be a team. Not one of you having loads of disposable spending money whilst the others digging around for coppers in the sofa cushions! Christ you took the career hit to have his children, its so fucking unfair! My husband earns 4.5x what I do, and would never do this to me.

I would just put £2,500 in and keep the extra £500.