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Original poster

Resenting our joint finances

105 replies

siblingname · 23/11/2025 07:47

When my DH and I first met 6 years ago, I was earning slightly more than him. Since then we’ve married and had two children. I’ve had two maternity leaves, which slowed my career progression, while he got promotions, changed companies twice and now earns quite a bit more than me.

Right now, I earn £3,500 a month and he earns £4,500, and we both pay £3,000 into the joint account each month. That leaves me with around £500 for myself, from which I pay £200 for a course and the rest on commuting or personal spending.

Meanwhile he has £1500 of disposable income, a third of it is commuting cost but the rest is mainly takeaways, gym memberships, haircuts etc. He says he can do what he likes as it is “his” money.

I feel resentful that I’m being very careful with my personal and family spending to save up for an extension while he doesn’t really worry about money in the same way.

We live in an expensive suburb of London with high childcare costs as both kids are under 4.

AIBU to think he should contribute more so we can save up more as a family?

OP posts:

W0tnow · 23/11/2025 14:14

Of course it should be more equal. And he should have contributed to your superannuation when you were on unpaid leave.

Bagamama · 23/11/2025 14:15

Everything should go in the pot and you split 50/50 after bills and essentials.
Equal money and equal free time is the only way to do parenting. I learnt this too late.

MikeRafone · 23/11/2025 15:42

siblingname · 23/11/2025 12:47

It’s more nuanced than how he might come across in these posts. Yes, he seems selfish here, but he isn’t generally like that. For example, he took three months of unpaid paternity leave with both children, which allowed me to return to work when they were nine months old while he was the main parent until they turned one. Not many men do that, and I really appreciate him for it. He is very loving with the kids and cares deeply about their future.

My issue is that he doesn’t seem to recognise the imbalance or the invisible contributions and sacrifices I make.

Show quote history

Then stop doing 80% of everything else

he need to realise what won’t get done and either pull his socks up or outsource his share and pay for his share to be done

Pessismistic · 23/11/2025 20:02

Hi op I get why you feel resentful I’ve been there. can the house account pay for your course and commuting? If not I would push myself for a promotion and let your dh carry the load at home and tell him you want to save up and this is the best way as he’s not willing to. Then when your on more wages do what he’s doing he’s not being fair but sometimes it best beat them at their own game. It sad but it might have been ok before kids but he’s not thinking of your future is he?

99bottlesofkombucha · 23/11/2025 20:30

siblingname · 23/11/2025 12:36

None of the household expenses come out of his personal money. Everything for the house is paid from our joint account.

That is why I am always worrying about our spending and I do not want to lower my own contribution. After the major costs are covered, we only have enough savings for emergencies and just about enough for international holiday a year.

Show quote history

So contribute less and cut the international holiday. You are struggling in this family now, a year without an international holiday is a small change to make and worth it. Also cut back on the work- I’m sure an international holiday is more work for you! Tell him you’re too tired to think about it and are saving extra for a weekend away solo to stop you burning out. (I did this earlier this year and it was fantastic)

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