Resenting our joint finances

[siblingname]

When my DH and I first met 6 years ago, I was earning slightly more than him. Since then we’ve married and had two children. I’ve had two maternity leaves, which slowed my career progression, while he got promotions, changed companies twice and now earns quite a bit more than me.

Right now, I earn £3,500 a month and he earns £4,500, and we both pay £3,000 into the joint account each month. That leaves me with around £500 for myself, from which I pay £200 for a course and the rest on commuting or personal spending.

Meanwhile he has £1500 of disposable income, a third of it is commuting cost but the rest is mainly takeaways, gym memberships, haircuts etc. He says he can do what he likes as it is “his” money.

I feel resentful that I’m being very careful with my personal and family spending to save up for an extension while he doesn’t really worry about money in the same way.

We live in an expensive suburb of London with high childcare costs as both kids are under 4.

AIBU to think he should contribute more so we can save up more as a family?

It seems like most people tend to put all their income into the joint account and then take equal amounts out for personal spending. We are quite a long way away from that model.

Yes, he wanted kids just as much as I did.

Yes, he also wanted the extension. We are mainly paying for that by borrowing more, rather than savings.

You're not acting like part of the same family, it's like you are housemates that are co-parenting! Pooling money into a shared pot is the only fair way to do it once you have children especially when your career and earning potential has taken a hug hit for several years! He needs a wake up call to show him how unfair he is being.

I get the impression that you're downplaying to yourself a bit how unequal your marriage is in so many ways. And there are lots of women whose marriages are similar, but that doesn't make it OK. It's absolutely outrageous and I wonder why so many accept it? Maybe as it's not seen as being worth breaking up a family over?

Another selfish entitled bastard who will say he loves you but his actions are he’s happy to drain you. Tell him he calls you grabby but he’s the selfish jerk who lets his wife drain herself dry to look after her family while he refuses to pick up on the mental load or contribute more financially. Tell him his family are on him for Christmas, so are the kids and the whole plan and all Christmas events, you’re on strike since he only values what earns money, message your family and his preferably on the group chat and say I’m burnt out, ive done Christmas for years and its all on dh this year, message him not me. I don’t know what the kids might want, I’m not shopping I’m not cooking I’m pretending I have a wife. Tell him you will love him a whole lot less if your kids don’t get the amazing Christmas they always have had. Every night instead of doing stuff text him a list of the stuff you’d have usually done, with deadlines eg teacher present must be paid for by tomorrow link is on the class chat has been shared as a reminder 3 times but I don’t think you’ve managed to get to it yet. I always tidy the living room Tuesday night so you need to get to that. Doing something every day is how our house stays organised, you might appreciate that a tiny bit now it’s your job. Kids need sports wear so if it’s not washed by tomorrow morning they won’t have it, you’ll have to write them a note for the teacher explaining you’re not coping and the kids will be upset. Then go for a walk or read for 30 mins and go to bed. Let it fall apart. Tell him what is he complaining about you pay half what more could one person want from a marriage? No there’s no food.

I totally agree with this. Before children, there is an argument for having separate finances (if thats your preference) as often a higher-paid job means more hours, stress, responsibility, etc and the lower paid spouse may have more time/energy for hobbies, etc.

However, once you have children, the reality is the lower-paid spouse IS working equally hard. It’s just the work is unpaid.

It’s very telling that OP earned more than her DH before kids. Now she earns less as she’s doing unpaid work FOR THE Family. She’s not frolicking off learning tennis or writing poetry. Women will never get equality until either a) unpaid caring work is properly appreciated or b) men do their fair share of it

Who pays for the “big” expenses - holidays, things that need fixing around the house? Days out? Does that come out of his “pot” or a shared income?

Another one saying it’s not an anomaly; this is not a loving man.

Yes. This is what it is.

None of the household expenses come out of his personal money. Everything for the house is paid from our joint account.

That is why I am always worrying about our spending and I do not want to lower my own contribution. After the major costs are covered, we only have enough savings for emergencies and just about enough for international holiday a year.

That is why I am always worrying about our spending and I do not want to lower my own contribution. After the major costs are covered, we only have enough savings for emergencies and just about enough for international holiday a year.

Because he's squirelling away his extra income! How much does he have in savings?

It’s more nuanced than how he might come across in these posts. Yes, he seems selfish here, but he isn’t generally like that. For example, he took three months of unpaid paternity leave with both children, which allowed me to return to work when they were nine months old while he was the main parent until they turned one. Not many men do that, and I really appreciate him for it. He is very loving with the kids and cares deeply about their future.

My issue is that he doesn’t seem to recognise the imbalance or the invisible contributions and sacrifices I make.

Fuck that. Tell him it changes today and make it equal.

Dont be silly in the nicest way possible.

That is interesting. And what happened when you had your (6? 9? month) maternity followed by his 3 month paternity? Presumably all monies were shared equally in one pot? How did the separation of finances discussion evolve once you were both back working?

you are subsidizing his lifestyle. This kind of setup does not work once children enter the picture.

I really wish more women understood this and didn’t agree to have children under these circumstances. A variation on this post shows up almost daily. Parents and schools are clearly failing to teach basic economics

If he does exoect 50% of expenses it needs to be 50% of everything else... Not just drop offs and cooking but also dealing with sickness and doing admin such as finding holiday clubs etc. I would suggest the Fair Play cards

Re 'invisible' work (you mean he can't see it) - you could fill in this questionnaire together. It's a neutral opening point (or rather, it should be). It's from a Swedish regional authority (Skåne)
HOWEVER it doesn't cover the financial imbalance. He knows you're unhappy about it - why is he okay with you feeling unhappy? I bet his pension pot is a lot larger than yours, too.

Checklist for Gender Equality in Your Everyday Life
https://vardgivare.skane.se/siteassets/3.-kompetens-och-utveckling/projekt-och-utveckling/jamstallt-foraldraskap/material-foraldrar---fillistning/checklist-for-gender-equality-in-your-everyday-life.pdf

Good idea. Here is a free PDF lite version of Eve Rodsky's cards. And a link to in interview with her about the book. I like her.

https://dianaforbes.com/cards-pdf/

3 months off …and how many times since then has he taken time off when the kids are ill? He watches you clean and tidy for hours every week despite you working much longer than he does and doesn’t say sit down I’ll do that? No he is NOT a nice man!!

Knock the holiday on the head. You can't afford it. Then lower your contribution so that you have more money to put away for the longer term to safeguard your own future. Not into the joint pot.

How is your pension looking compared to his?

Mine took paternity leave. It sure as fuck doesn’t mean I don’t expect him to share days at home with a sick child, leave work early to pick them up most days, fill out all the school forms, book in swimming times every week, etc etc. That’s how I can manage a full time job, by sharing the load.

I think you’re so far in this situation that you can’t see how ridiculous it is OP, and your husband is doing far too good a job of making you feel unreasonable. You’re married with children - all resources coming into the family unit should be pooled and shared equally between the members of the family unit. These resources include money, time, energy and effort.

If your husband doesn’t agree with this approach, he doesn’t see you guys as a singular family unit - he sees you as a lesser member, less deserving than him. Why on earth would he want one person in the unit to experience a different quality of life, especially when he claims to love you and wanted the children you brought into the world together?

You’re over working yourself late into the night, sleeping less to carry the family load and maxing out your ‘budget’ - eg giving your full available resources to the unit (and more!). He is not.

The only sensible thing to do here is pool all money, pay out all everyday shared costs from this (including work related expenses for you both such as commuting and course costs), make joint savings/loan repayments and then split the difference of remaining ‘fun’ money between you. Otherwise you are not working as a team and he will entrench his already shameful views that your financial limitations are your own fault and nothing to do with him.

He won't understand because it suits him no to.

Would you consider paying less into the joint pot and saying you are opting out of contributing to holidays and house renovations as you can't afford them? He can then reduce his contributions too but you'll still have more money to play with and when you divorce you'll still get half his savings.

Edited to add of course he should do 50% off all sick days with kids and 50/50 for household chores and childcare.

You're not coming across as grabby. He wants you to think that so he gets to keep his money. A marriage should be a partnership and he is not acting like a partner, disgusting.

I really don’t understand this mindset, if you’re married then the law sees everything you own as joint, if you divorce or one of you dies it’s all joint assets, so why on earth do so many people play this game of mine/yours in marriage?

We have a joint account, joint savings goals, discuss and agree on major spending like cars and holidays, once you have kids who has resources for any substantial individual spending? Sometimes I earn more, mostly he earns more and we work together to get to where we want to be.

OP you are clearly doing more labour and have less resources, this is an unfair position. Stop the extra labour and contribute less to the pot, if he isn’t happy about it he can take ‘his’ money and see how much better off he is outside of marriage. He’s absolutely taking advantage and needs to stop. How can you respect someone happy to put you in this position?