Resenting our joint finances

[siblingname]

When my DH and I first met 6 years ago, I was earning slightly more than him. Since then we’ve married and had two children. I’ve had two maternity leaves, which slowed my career progression, while he got promotions, changed companies twice and now earns quite a bit more than me.

Right now, I earn £3,500 a month and he earns £4,500, and we both pay £3,000 into the joint account each month. That leaves me with around £500 for myself, from which I pay £200 for a course and the rest on commuting or personal spending.

Meanwhile he has £1500 of disposable income, a third of it is commuting cost but the rest is mainly takeaways, gym memberships, haircuts etc. He says he can do what he likes as it is “his” money.

I feel resentful that I’m being very careful with my personal and family spending to save up for an extension while he doesn’t really worry about money in the same way.

We live in an expensive suburb of London with high childcare costs as both kids are under 4.

AIBU to think he should contribute more so we can save up more as a family?

Speaking to a counsellor seems like a major step for us. I need to frame myself better. It seems like I’m coming across as being “grabby”.

I couldn’t continue to live like this.
The ideal thing is to go for couples counselling to resolve the issue.
Less ideal ways of doing it :

1. Start looking at higher paid jobs. 2)Tell H he will need to sort out 50% of childcare arrangements and additional costs going forward.
2. Pay less into joint account particularly commute money
3. Stop doing any household chores for his benefit
4. Stop having sex with him. Or charge him ( only partly joking) £100 a shag.

The new feminism. Women have been told they must earn their own keep, but also give birth and rear children. The men get to have children and carry on as if nothing has changed.

We put all income into joint, pay out all house/car/living costs, joint savings, dental costs and commuting costs from joint and take an equal amount for personal spends..books/clothes/music/presents. There is room in the personal spends for a little savings too.
It's not mine and his, it's ours. This has worked whilst both of us were working, either were unemployed at times and now into retirement.

We do 50/50 of cooking and drop-offs/pickups. But I do 80% of absolutely everything else. It’s all the intangibles that take up so much of your time and energy. You are right, I also do work many more hours than him.

After the kids are in bed, I probably do another 40mins-1hr of chores, then additional work and probably only get to bed most nights around 11/11:30pm. Then up again at 5:30am for work or kids. But I always feel that my additional contributions are not “seen”.

Does he think if the roles were reversed he'd be happy? If you say you're unhappy, does he care? And if he doesn't care, it's not a money matter issue.

He is being financially controlling. This is not the behaviour of a kind / good husband.
You need to do a revamp of your finances. (by ‘you’ I mean north of you) Everything that you spend money on over a year needs to be accounted for, including any savings you put aside, and all your net income.
Both incomes need to go into the joint account, then after all outgoings, the balance split equally between you both. I earn double what DH earns but we both have the same spending money. Anything else would mean inequality in the marriage.

He is not behaving like a husband and a father from a financial perspective. Telling you to “get a better job” when you’ve sacrificed career progression to have his children is tone deaf, entitled and immature.

Im just not sure how you’ll get him to appreciate this though. There seem to be so many men like this nowadays.

What was his parents set up like and what do they think of yours? I just wonder where this wave of married men with children acting like cohabiting 50:50 bachelors comes from?

Is he fully on board with the extension?

That’s how I see it too, but DH completely disagrees. He says I’m trying to control his spending and take “his money.”

Arsehole. Actual bastard thing to say.

When I suggested he could contribute more, he told me that if I want more money I should get a different job

Fuck me, I'd be incandescent.

and that my current situation is a choice I’ve made. But at this stage of life I need flexibility for sickness and pickups

He sounds like such an unpleasant man. Why is sickness and pickups only your responsibility, btw?

And they wonder why we have fewer children and stay single.

Why didn’t he take an equal share of child sickness? You shouldn’t be the only one taking the career hit. I don’t subscribe to the belief that personal spends have to be absolutely equal, I agree with him actually on the answer to having more money being to get a higher-paying job. BUT, he should be taking on an equal share of all the parenting and supporting you to get a new job or promotion. It isn’t as simple as he’s making out when it sounds like he’s totally unencumbered in his work life and you’re not. If I were you that would be far more of an issue than the money.

I'm sorry OP, but your DH is not loving and kind. He's happy for you to have made the sacrifices to have your point children and to continue to be disadvantaged. That's neither loving nor kind.

My DH vastly vastly out earns me (I used to earn well but we made the decision jointly for me to have a large career break then only work part time). All money is shared, we have the same disposable income each month for clothes/lunches out etc and everything else goes in the shared pot. DH has never thought of this as unfair towards him and I'd struggle to respect him if he did 🫤

And they wonder why we have fewer children and stay single.

Absolutely, I would rather have had children solo than put up with being expected to do all the child rearing but not be treated equally financially. Sod that!

Definitely not a team , I dont understand separate incomes when married. We put all our money together its ours . We pay whatever bills then the rest is shared equally. Your husband sounds very selfish knowing you have less and he has more.

This. I don't get how he can see his partner miserable and struggling, have the means to alleviate it (emotionally and financially) and not care to do it. That's not a loving partnership

An ex-colleague who has been a single parent from the off and has nothing at all to do with her ex says she prefers it. All decisions are hers, she’s not let down by anyone.

So why not put in £2800 and atleast hold back the £200 course fees - surely the course should be classed as a household bill.
In reality all money should be in a pot, bills paid, your commute money sorted and a bit for savings. Anything left should be split between you.
He's sounds a bit immovable and entitled though so I imagine you'll have a hard slog to change anything.

Why can’t all money go into the joint and then you both take an equal amount out of the joint for personal use at the start of the month? DH’s commuting costs should come out of the joint if you do it that way.

All that I have I share with you. It’s right there in the marriage vows.

All money should go into the joint pot. Spending decisions agreed mutually. Not every coffee of course but general principles and big items. How much each of you earn shouldn’t be relevant assuming you are both pulling your weight for the family whether in earnings or other ways.

You need to ask for more food money and commute costs should be in main budget not personal

I mean so u have "" housekeeping for bits for kids etc

Why are you doing this? Just sit down with him and contribute based on your earnings percentage

You got a very selfish husband. I assume he wanted children too.

Why do you alone need a job that’s flexible for pick ups and sick days. Your children are a shared responsibility - I couldn’t be doing with a man who let me take the hit on my career while he manages to progress as he pleases, while also grudging me a fair share of the joint income that my sacrifice allowed him to earn.

You need to have a clear the air conversation about how much your life has changed, while he continues as he always has. He needs to carry his share of childcare, housework and financial commitment which includes recognising your financial contribution is limited due to carrying his share of the childcare. If he’s really as loving as you make him out to be he’ll be appalled not to have noticed and will want to even the load, but I suspect that’s not what will happen.

It's not an anomaly. It's who he is and how he feels about you. He's told you quite clearly, @siblingname

Believe him.