Resenting our joint finances

[siblingname]

When my DH and I first met 6 years ago, I was earning slightly more than him. Since then we’ve married and had two children. I’ve had two maternity leaves, which slowed my career progression, while he got promotions, changed companies twice and now earns quite a bit more than me.

Right now, I earn £3,500 a month and he earns £4,500, and we both pay £3,000 into the joint account each month. That leaves me with around £500 for myself, from which I pay £200 for a course and the rest on commuting or personal spending.

Meanwhile he has £1500 of disposable income, a third of it is commuting cost but the rest is mainly takeaways, gym memberships, haircuts etc. He says he can do what he likes as it is “his” money.

I feel resentful that I’m being very careful with my personal and family spending to save up for an extension while he doesn’t really worry about money in the same way.

We live in an expensive suburb of London with high childcare costs as both kids are under 4.

AIBU to think he should contribute more so we can save up more as a family?

You don't have joint finances though, joint finances are either everything in the 1 pot and you both spend freely from what is left after bills are paid/savings taken out, or you pay everything into 1 account and then take out the same fun money/savings into another account each. You have separate finances really and they aren't equal.

This. Nothing else needs adding.

Indeed. If you are in an equal relationship then everything goes in one pot a you trust each other to be responsible with spending.

This.

Mortgage and childcare costs take up a significant chunk of our joint incomes. 30 hrs of childcare has not led to any savings for us. Then usual expenses like groceries, council tax and other bills take up another chunk. Then we have a bit left for savings. We don’t splurge on anything. We have a very average car and one international holiday a year.

You should contribute proportionally to your earnings and review annually as your circumstances change. He should not be profitting from your sacrifices.

You're right to feel resentful and to want to manage your finances more fairly. Regardless of the fact that he earns more, I would stake quite a large sum of money on it being you who works harder, taking into account household management and childcare.

You need to address this now. If your essential monthly outgoings are £6000, that needs to come proportionally from your accounts giving you each the same amount of personal money.

This isn't fully joint finances as pp have said, but it can be done today.

Time for a re-balance in proportion to your respective incomes.

That’s how I see it too, but DH completely disagrees. He says I’m trying to control his spending and take “his money.”

After my first mat leave I really struggled to be “present” at work because our eldest was unwell a lot. Then I had a difficult second pregnancy where I was bed-ridden at times, so I was just trying to keep going rather than progress.

When I suggested he could contribute more, he told me that if I want more money I should get a different job, and that my current situation is a choice I’ve made. But at this stage of life I need flexibility for sickness and pickups. I do feel frustrated that my career has stalled while my peers have moved ahead, but I made that sacrifice because I wanted to have children and be there for them.

I also feel resentful that I probably work 8–10 more hours a week than he does, yet he earns significantly more because he’s been able to move jobs and industries freely.

I should add that while I’m portraying DH as uncompromising, he is normally quite understanding and we do have a loving and kind relationship overall. This is a bit of an anomaly.

I see this kind of financial abuse so often here. Awful men penalising women for having their children.
What's the point of being married if you share like housemates?

Me and my DH pay proportionally as earns 3 x what I do (and he wants to live where we do). He still has more residual cash but it still seems more fair.

I think it should be worked out that you each have the same disposable income every month if you are married.

Your current situation is due to having children. His children. So it's his situation too and he needs to pull his weight. He sounds like a typical man who disregards the needs of his wife and children, priorising himself and money for himself. Sorry, he's being selfish and short sighted

We pay our wages into joint account, then all bills paid, money goes off to joint savings, then we have same amount spends which goes to our individual account. We both have different incomes but at the moment I am loading my pension having worked part time whilst DC were young.

Oh yes this 50/50

does he do 50/50 of the household and child care, housework or is he another gold digger leeching off you?

what happened to your pension contributions for 2 years maternity?

If he isn’t doing pick ups from nursery and school etc - then he really needs to make a choice to be flexible or pay up

It's not an anomaly. He see's you as less important than him because he earns more.

That attitude seeps through into everything and it's rots your marriage through and through.

My husband and I have been together for 27 years, married for 13.
We don't earn the same, I have usually earned more. We don't have a joint account.

We pay the mortgage proportionally equally (occasionally it's adjusted depending on circumstances like maternity).

Then everything else is just divvied up between us to pay. We each have responsibility for certain bills to pay and this is arranged to be proportionally equal - I pay more.

We then have our own personal bills to pay (mobile phone, life insurance etc) and then have weekly essentials and fun money left over.

We don't ever hide bank account balances from each other, and if for some reason one of us is coming up short that month the other will transfer money to cover it. We just ask.

It's worked for us and whilst we did think for a while 'we should get a joint account' because its what couples do' we just never did.
Am I missing something about joint accounts?

I earn about £2500 and dh earns about £4500. Both salaries go into the joint account and all money is “our” money. DH will get a Christmas bonus which will be “family money”. I might be able to persuade him to treat himself to something small but he would never dream of viewing it as “his” bonus and has a very low opinion of anyone who does.

That’s financial abuse OP. Would talking it through with a trained counsellor make him understand how unfair he is being?

Or the nuclear option of discussing it with family and friends?

You're probably making life unnecessarily complicated and would likely really struggle if one of you died suddenly if you needed the money in their account to pay a mortgage or other crucial bill, but the difference between you and the OP is that it sounds like you divide joint costs up fairly, whereas they don't.

Seems like the OPs DH has completely overlooked the meaning of his marriage vows and is seemingly oblivious that he has DC that he is responsible for providing for.

Out of my £500, £200 goes straight to a course I’m doing, and around £150 on commuting. I try to put aside another £50 for savings, which leaves me with about £130 for myself — which I’m comfortable with. I don’t need more money to myself. But I end up having to dip into my savings for dinners out with friends (rare) or for gifts for DH and my friends.

The death thing is a good point, I think that's something I should understand more.
I dont think day to day it's too complicated though, we manage ok 😀

I considered this as well. But I don’t want to keep more money to myself. I don’t have a desire to spend more. If anything, I wish I could contribute more so that we can afford more and save up for our extension/savings. I wish DH would see it like that.

Read your post back. Can you not see that you’re in this situation because he is holding back £1K every month for himself?