Husband thinks we are in a "shit" financial situation, I genuinely don't agree

[Tungtungtungsahur]

Husband 43
Me 41
2 kids 6 & 9
House worth £550k in today's market, mortgage free. 4 bedroom detached with big garden, so big enough for kids as they grow

We took out the mortgage in 2014 when we first bought the house, house was £280k, mortgage was around £210k. Made overpayments over the last few years when interest rates shot up. Sacrificed a fair bit to achieve this, only 2 overseas holidays in last 10 years, 2 cars, both owned outright but 15 and 10 years old respectively. Kitchen needs doing up and house needs a spruce

Both have private pensions. I contribute about 9% monthly which employer matches. He does less, around 5% I believe. I've been working since 22 and have been in private employer pensions in all that time (not always as high as 9%though) , he only really got started around 10 years ago in his early 30s.

Cash in bank £61k

Nothing like ISAs for the kids yet but now we are mortgage free, we're hoping to plough the max amount into those for each of them

Husband keeps saying to me that we aren't in that much of a good position and that we could be in a much better position we if we made savvier business decisions like buying a buy-to-let when the prices weren't this high (neither of us have a crystal ball), or if I'd (yes I, not we) remortgaged at the start of the rates going up rather than paying that extra interest. My argument is that we haven't made any disastrous decisions that have cost us life changing amounts, yes we haven't made savvy investment decisions but we are mortgage free and can now use spare capital to do that - of course it would have been great to be in this position 10 years ago but that's the way the cookie has crumbled. I just feel blessed that we have what we have and we haven't just graduated uni now trying to get on to the housing ladder in this current economy.
I also feel like we have sacrificed enough, he rarely wants to go out for meals, barely any holidays here nor abroad. I make sure I take the kids out on day trips on weekends/school hols and anything that they want to do, but if it was up to him, we'd go nowhere except the local park. We have a Monzo joint account with the live debit card notifications and he's constantly light-heartedly commenting on any spending.

He's said this to me again tonight and I'm feeling really deflated. I earn significantly more than him but I never initiate these negative conversations about our financial situation- he's on £37k and I'm on £60k plus annual bonus which takes me to about £70k usually.

I have hated writing this because I KNOW we are fortunate and so many aren't, but he keeps saying it, it's really making me question everything.

He would be better off setting your 61k on fire than letting residential property.

He sounds like a pain who needs a reality check. You are very fortunate.

If I were you I would go on holiday without him and enjoy yourself.

I don’t think there’s going to be a quick solution here because attitudes and feelings towards money are usually very ingrained and he’s feeling insecure to a point that’s unhealthy. Counselling may help.

You're in an amazing financial position, I can't quite believe your husband would think otherwise. He needs a head wobble.

Is he depressed? I would draw a firm line on this crap. It feels like he is using this in a controlling way and to be frank you are earning most of the money.

I would have a quarterly sit down to discuss money and choices (but I’m afraid part of this has to be his capacity to earn more) and otherwise it can’t be discussed.

If he does keep pushing then suggest separate finances so he can choose what to do with his. I don’t condone this but it may snap him out of his thinking as I suspect he is using this to control you emotionally.

I would have a strong conversation about how his mood is effecting the family and how you will support him helping this but won’t be allowing it to make you feel bad.

Nip this in the bud.

I would guess that he's probably thinking about what his life would be like if you split up (you say the relationship's not great atm). And he's realised that his life would be a bit shit as he doesn't earn much compared to you.

This pp has written what I was thinking.
He's sucking all the joy out of your life. Can't bring himself to spend any money on enjoying himself, can't bear to see you doing it for yourself and DC. So he's raining on your parade. Nice.

Id use some of that £61k book a really nice holiday.

Because when you eventually leave this misery of a man, he'll probably take half of whatever is left.

If this were the other way round, everyone would be telling the wife that its all joint money and should be shared equally etc. So while that should still stand when the wife is the higher earner, I would also not let him critisize your spending if you are bringing more in. You are earning that so that you can spend it on the DC.

Tell him that he can't change the past and you are fed up with him harping on about it and it needs to stop. A lot of landlords are selling up now due to all the changes anyway.

Tell him if he wants to earn more there is nothing stopping him. Tell him that you want to go abroad.

Make sure that you have your money in a high interest account at the very least if you don't want to risk it.

He is

mortgage free
£61K savings
£100K annual household income

what more does he want

I can’t imagine OP’s life being great either in the event of a divorce, on just one income. Also, the house may have to be sold as part of the divorce settlement.

I think you’re doing great on the mortgage, savings, and spending fronts.

There could be areas for improvement on the pension front. The Martin Lewis formula is to put in half of your age as a percent once you get serious. Looks like you’re getting 18% (9% you & 9% employer), so if you’ve been doing that consistently since age 36 (or younger), you should be on track. DH looks like he is contributing 10% 5% him & 5% employer). With that %, he should have been contributing consistently since the age of 20, which he hasn’t. He ideally needs to start contributing 22% (half of age 44) of his gross pay until he retires, as he is in a shortfall.

You have my sympathies OP. We still have a mortgage but my partner goes through periods of obsessing about it. The difference is that we both earn >100k and he earns more than I do.

I sometimes think my partner doesn't even realise what he's saying or the impact it has on me - for example if we go out for dinner as a family he might say - 'this is going to be a low key one yes?'. I feel like replying- we're going to f*ing pizza express. It's almost like a protective mechanism.

At your stage in life we had bought a house we could barely afford, big mortgage (for the time) and were living on an overdraft - just about paid it off each month then went straight back into overdraft...(it was a long time ago when the interest on an arranged overdraft was low).
Your DH needs to get a better paying job if he is bothered.

You don’t need a Financial Advisor to tell you how to manage £61k.

And - putting it all in a pension means no access to cash in the short term, which is not a good idea / will probably make OP’s husband more neurotic.

I suspect he’s worried about his pension. We are in the reverse position really, very high mortgage (got to that later in life) but we have amazing pensions which gives a lot of comfort, pensions and the future are such an enigma for most that if you haven’t got your head around it I think it can create a bit of a black cloud.

I think what he needs is to review his pension, what he’s looking at now and what he wants to achieve as £10% on a £37k salary (started later in life) likely isn’t commanding very much, but he’s in a great position mortgage free to build on that.

The Telegraph has a wealth calculator, that might help you explain to him your position, the average family has wealth (including assets and pension) of £288,000, you are likely double that, so that might reassure him!

Jesus Christ. What a miserable nobber.

We own a 2 bed future proof flat that my DH purchased a decade ago, worth about £100k that his two adult kids live in, just covering the mortgage and bills. While we rent a tiny council house (mine) as we couldn’t all for in the flat with my youngest. He’s 62 and I’m 45. Got £9k left on the mortgage as we have over paid whenever possible. Got £4k in savings. His predicted pension pot is £28k. Being a coach driver pays pretty crap but he can typically bring home £600 each week. I get PIP totalling £440 a month with a very pt job when I can manage it taking home £220-330 a month. We have debt of about £14k but hope to be debt free including mortgage in 2-3 years. We still feel very very lucky!! But I suspect the distance is that my DH appreciates me and I appreciate him. He’s grateful when he comes home and I’ve been able to make him a lovely dinner or a packed lunch for the next day, he thanks me for looking after the house and helping out with my grandkids when I can. I love that he still forced himself to get up and go to work even though at 62 is killing him doing 50-60 work weeks starting at 5 am. Every week we sit down to talk and I appreciate our lives in a very deep level. We are both blessed with a long marriage, lots of love and we have survived everything that life has thrown at us and come out stronger. Our dreams aren’t big but we have made them all happen.

It's a personality thing rather than a fact thing. Your DH is focussing on the past and on the negative - how much better off you would have been. Well that's true but it's not useful right now. It's easy to look back and think "that decision would have been great" but hindsight is 20-20. Making decisions going forward is much harder! Even at best a buy to let would have been all eggs in one basket, you could have made a lot or you could have lost a lot, and it's extra work. And as you say, you are doing pretty well. Mortgage free and with a decent income between you and a good bank of savings. My guess is that now you should both be putting more into pension savings but I'm no expert.

You should be thinking forwards and planning together. Do you budget for savings, holidays, eating out and suchlike? You need to enjoy life and save for the future, and funds aren't infinite so you need to agree a balance. Agree a budget with amounts to spend and save for different things each month, you might both feel better.

Do talk to an IFA about the best way forward for savings, long and medium term, whether it's best to do ISAs for the kids or pensions for yourselves.

And see if you can get DH to open up about what he'd positively like from life as the children grow up. Would he like to focus more on his career, upping his own earning power? Or what?

I think him selling cock pics on Only Fans is the modern way to go. Perhaps he could wash and iron whilst naked. I bet there's an OF niche for that .

Go on some holidays! If your relationship is rocky he'll end up with half your money if you split so you may as well start spending it how you want to!

What is your dh doing to maximise his income?

What investments does he now think you should make?

Have you sat down and drawn up a 5 year plan?

Do behave!

I'm in a similar position to you, 40's, mortgage free, £400K house, £70K savings but also have a £200K let property.

I'm extremely lucky in having had the same tenants for 16 years, and they are great - but its not the money tree you may expect, new boiler, new bathroom, new kitchen, new carpets, all in the period eat into the profit.

And as I say, I'm lucky, got decent tenants - if they moved on I would sell and get out.

Yes exactly. He feels crappy about money, so he wants you to feel crappy about money too. I think you have to completely shut him down next time he complains about your spending and tell him some brutal truths. Radical honesty! Otherwise you're just smothering your real feelings all the time and that's no way to live.

For us my DH is the higher earner and is also very risk averse, we could probably be quite wealthy at this point if we had made braver/riskier financial decisions 15 years ago, but I do not make an issue over that because a) he earnt most of the money anyway, b) we're fine as we are, and c) what would be the point?

@Tungtungtungsahur
Haven't read the full thread but you seem to be doing fine to me and without wishing to dwell on a catastrophe scenario, you don't know what horrors the future holds so should enjoy some of the benefits of your comfortable position now. A very close friend and her DH had some marvellous family holidays in places like Sri Lanka and Thailand when their kids were 8-15 years old. Her DH didn't live to draw his pension....she was a widow at 50. She is so glad they spent the money on those holidays!

This is so lovely.

I never met anyone like that.

Also, at 78, I still have a mortgage.

OP, does your DH have a family background involving extreme poverty or bankruptcy as he was growing up?

We were desperately skint when I was teenager, and even though DH and I are comfortably off, I still get a nasty tightness in the pit of my stomach when I do the monthly accounts - even though I know that we have substantial savings and decent pensions lined up.

But if you couple that sort of background with an anxious or doomy personality, or a tendency to depression, you can get someone who spirals into an intense state of worry. Would counselling be a good idea?