When the joint finances suddenly aren't so joint after you've raised the kids....

[RachelBee]

Hi

Would be great to get some advice regarding finances.

My husband earns a very good salary and as his income has increased over the years I left my career and found myself taking the lead on childcare (including covering all the holidays), sorting out all the household jobs and admin, looking after his accounts for a few hours a week and taking on some relatively low-paid part time work so I can have some income.

We have a joint account but as it's my husband's earnings I try not to touch it. I have dipped into it every now and then but it would only to sort out something for the household and for the children.

We were talking about getting some financial advice so we could plan for the next few years and he made it clear that the money in the joint account was his as he had earned it. I was talking about getting a couple of ISAS - one in each of our names with some of the savings sat in the joint account - but he said he would only put one in his name not mine as I hadn't earned it. I felt rather shocked by this. He has also told me that he would only meet a financial advisor without me.

I've also been getting incredibly frustrated at not being able to make decisions about the house as I don't earn the money. We really need to update our house a bit. But he always says no.

I feel like such a fool. I'm always overdrawn after the school holidays and today he asked me how it felt to be my age and to be overdrawn. It felt so humiliating.

I would love to earn what he earns and to call the shots. I do try to see it from his point of view and when I do I can see I probably look like a freeloader.

I have two more teens to go and in the next couple of years I plan on returning to work full time and to earn my own money. I don't at the moment as I still have to do the school run (we live in a small village) and I still cover all the school holidays. We have no friends or family around to look after the kids. And I thought we have enough income to allow me to be here for the children.

So...I guess I'm asking for someone to tell me if I need a reality check.

Are there any rights about this or should I seek a financial advisor myself.

Is this common after women begin to reach the end of their child caring years and haven't earned much?

Oh OP, my prick of a BiL was like this, only he left his lovely wife as their children were getting to middle teens, said she didn’t deserve anything as she hadn’t earned it, yet he wanted her at home barefoot and pregnant. In the end, she got over half the house and 60% of his pension. He is furious, but her earning capacity is still only a fraction of his.

You need to take copies of everything now, find out where his money and pension is invested and the get out whilst you’re young enough to start again.

At 15 and 17, you really should be able to work full time.

I know you say you work but you don't say for how many hours you do.
Sounds to me like your dh is a little resentful of you schlepping round the house for the last 20 years (or it could be more, you don't say how old the older ones are).

Yes this!!!!

Also - DO NOT look for work now - divorce now while the 15 year old is still 15, you will get a better split of assets.

I am worried that what you are taking from this thread is that you could be working more - please don't listen to those posters, you are in a vulnerable situation. You responding to posters saying yes, I could get a better job further makes me think you are being abused. You have the tone of someone who has internalised things and thinks it is their own fault.

Do you believe that from doing his accounts you know where all the money is? If so you are in a good position.

Lawyers!!!

You pool what there is. OP throws in her time and her part time earnings and DH throws in his income.

Lots of good points made here with lots for you to think about. Main thing that jumped out to me is that you are helping him with his accounts. To me he should either be paying you to do that or you stop doing them. Only a minor point within everything else but it does take up time each week.
Please also ignore people who criticise you for working around your children and prioritising them. It is valuable for them to have you there supporting them and there is lots of evidence around to support the importance of being at home with them during those years.

Send him a bill for all the childcare and domestic work you've done over the years to facilitate his career, with interest.

Then see a solicitor.

Yeah, just stop doing that. Ideally get another job for those days each week and tell him you need to prioritise paid work over unpaid work.

Stop doing his accounts unless he pays you, for a start.

I’m shocked by your comment. I understand that many women have no choice but to work, and some choose to (equally fine). But if a women (or man) wishes to stay home with their teenagers in the holidays, taking them for days out, bonding with them, enjoying them, then I’m shocked you are so dismissive and f that, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that….as long as both parents agree.

You horrible bag of shite with that last comment. Talk about kicking someone when they’re down. Feel good about your comment?

massive red flag that he wants to see a financial advisor without you. That’s not how a marriage should work. You need to protect yourself, OP

Personally I’d take half out joint account and start divorce proceedings, sell up the family home, move somewhere more conducive to work and get back to your career.

Your husband is planning on leaving you and doesn’t value your contribution to the household. You need to protect yourself and put yourself first.

The older women in the family would say to me as a teenager : a man will feed you today, starve you tomorrow, always have a plan B, a man will tell you he loved you today , sleep with your friend tomorrow, always work and have a runaway account.

As a result, I went back to work full time when I had my LO , have two degrees and a rental property , knowing that I need multiple contingency plans in the event of a relationship breakdown.

Unfortunately, many women are too trusting and have no plan B . Your husband isn’t your friend.

How do you think other families do school runs, holidays and work on the top of that? Many have no support nerby. It is possible. I am really shocked when i see “i cant work for x no of years because i have a school run and holidays” yet many families just get on with it for financial reasons.

This
And calculate how much housekeeping and childcare has amounted to over the years and present him with a bloody great invoice!

Gosh there are some horrible posts on here!
Op it sounds like you’ve worked as a team for many years with your husband but in recent years he’s become incredibly financially selfish to the point of abuse frankly! If you divorced him you’d be entitled to a lot more than he is telling you. Your role as SAHM whilst working part time is valued by the legal system in a marriage. You’ve also clearly had periods of FT work to support his career in taking courses etc.
I know you describe it as being a good marriage but it clearly isn’t any more if he’s sneering at you gloatingly about how little money you have whilst he sits as king of the family assets denying you access to joint finances. The fact he won’t help you plan for retirement in any way and sees all that is his too really means you will remain in poverty if you continue like this.
Id divorce him and get your share of the acquired family wealth and then get a FT job somewhere closer to children’s schools/college and less rural so you can build up a new happier life for yourself. Sounds like living like this and seeing yourself as somehow beholding to him and now ashamed of the sahm role you did has totally drained your self worth and become your normal. You are worth much more and this isn’t normal!
Best of luck x

If it's a joint account, it shouldn't ever have been viewed as "his" money and "his" earnings in there. I earn more than my partner and we contribute to bills and savings proportionately so that we both have the same amount of money for ourselves afterwards. I can save a bit more than he can due to having less outgoings (we're different people, he'd do the same if I spent more) but once money is in the joint account or saving account it's Ours.

"...feels like many marriages are just room mates sleeping together and having kids rather than true partnerships"

Nailed it 💯

But she does have paid part time jobs that fit round the children and she spends two days a week doing the accounts for her husband's business. He just doesn't pay her for doing the accounts because he is a financially abusive twat. She is hardly freeloading. She also worked full time when the children were small and her husband was getting more qualifications to progress his career.

To call OP a freeloader is unfair and judgemental.

How the fuck have so many people managed to jump right in with snarky comments about the OP not working. Read the fucking post.

You work 1-2 days a week on his accounts FOR FREE? He is a nasty, unfair, controlling cunt.

All money should be joint. You are facilitating his career by looking after the dc, doing all the housework, doing all the school runs. Whose idea was it to move to a rural location?

He should be putting money into your pension. You have taken a massive financial hit.

He’s completely unfair - doesn’t like you not working, but also not willing to step up and do his share of looking after his own Dc. You can’t win.

You need legal advice and financial advice.

What do you want to do? do you love him?

after such a long marriage, you will be entitled to half of family money.

Have you been charging his company for doing his accounts?

I’d take half the money in the joint account and put it in an isa. And consult a solicitor. Have you been paying national insurance? Have you got a pension? If no how do you intend to fund your retirement?
As his wife legally half tge house, savings and his pension is yours. But he may already be squirrelling money away. He is talking like a man intending to leave.

OP he has been able to build his career because you have run the home he lives in and raised his children. You deserve more. Start by either asking him to pay you for the accounts work you do, or stop doing it.

Honestly I hate men like this and I appreciate you've been together a long time but as with every thread like this - you deserve better. Don't waste any more of your life like this.

I find this post quite disgraceful.
You haven't considered what OP is saying, but instead made it about yourself.
FFS, you only have children with you part-time!
You ignored what she said about her children needing to be taken to school and about the work she does for her husband.
Just because your circumstances allow/force you to have paid employment, this doesn't mean OP is in the same boat as you. Obviously, your children have a means of getting to school, unlike hers.
You attack her wrongfully when she's asking for help.
You have no right to say she is making 'excuses'.
I can't stand it when people attack posters in this way. 😡