Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Money matters

Find financial and money-saving discussions including debt and pension chat on our Money forum. If you're looking for ways to make your money to go further, sign up to our Moneysaver emails here.

Original poster

When the joint finances suddenly aren't so joint after you've raised the kids....

475 replies

RachelBee · 27/08/2025 21:57

Hi

Would be great to get some advice regarding finances.

My husband earns a very good salary and as his income has increased over the years I left my career and found myself taking the lead on childcare (including covering all the holidays), sorting out all the household jobs and admin, looking after his accounts for a few hours a week and taking on some relatively low-paid part time work so I can have some income.

We have a joint account but as it's my husband's earnings I try not to touch it. I have dipped into it every now and then but it would only to sort out something for the household and for the children.

We were talking about getting some financial advice so we could plan for the next few years and he made it clear that the money in the joint account was his as he had earned it. I was talking about getting a couple of ISAS - one in each of our names with some of the savings sat in the joint account - but he said he would only put one in his name not mine as I hadn't earned it. I felt rather shocked by this. He has also told me that he would only meet a financial advisor without me.

I've also been getting incredibly frustrated at not being able to make decisions about the house as I don't earn the money. We really need to update our house a bit. But he always says no.

I feel like such a fool. I'm always overdrawn after the school holidays and today he asked me how it felt to be my age and to be overdrawn. It felt so humiliating.

I would love to earn what he earns and to call the shots. I do try to see it from his point of view and when I do I can see I probably look like a freeloader.

I have two more teens to go and in the next couple of years I plan on returning to work full time and to earn my own money. I don't at the moment as I still have to do the school run (we live in a small village) and I still cover all the school holidays. We have no friends or family around to look after the kids. And I thought we have enough income to allow me to be here for the children.

So...I guess I'm asking for someone to tell me if I need a reality check.

Are there any rights about this or should I seek a financial advisor myself.

Is this common after women begin to reach the end of their child caring years and haven't earned much?

OP posts:
FriedFalafels · 28/08/2025 06:54

RachelBee · 27/08/2025 23:41

I agree they don't need supervision in the school holidays.

But...we live in a rural location and they still need me to a taxi if they want to get out. I think there is also some guilt there as I returned to full time work when they were little so DH could get more qualifications to progress his career and I'm probably still making up for that time.

I am also practically full time. I should have clarified that my actual work that I get paid for is what I consider part-time work. But I also help with his accounts which can also be up to two days a week. And then it's the housework.

But now I'm definitely thinking I need to get a job out of the house and they'll have to organise themselves...

Show quote history

Firstly, I would invoice him immediately for the work you’re doing to his accounts. Not at NLW either. Make sure you find the going rate for what you do, adding in pension contributions and holiday mark up % as you’re self employed. Otherwise, stop doing it and let him pay someone. If he wants to play tit for tat he can

Not utilising your ISA allowance is just idiotic on his part. You are married therefore assets are split on divorce. To not use both allowances as a tax break doesn’t make sense

Finally call his bluff. Get back into full time employment and pass back 50% of the life admin, house work, school runs (I get it, we’re rural too) and aiding getting the teens out/in the village as needed. Time to stop accepting the excuses he gives to stay part time

This last point will probably break him and your relationship as the reality of everything you do to assist his life free of responsibilities comes to life. It nearly did mine and I was only part time for 7 years and still have a young child

Lucelady · 28/08/2025 06:55

MeetTheGrahams · 27/08/2025 22:15

I'd be withdrawing half the joint account this evening. Put as much as you can into an ISA in your name, and if there is more, open a fixed interest account. Then all your half of the savings are locked away

Marriage and children are a joint enterprise. If you dont take control now, he will and will withdraw it all.

Tomorrow I'd be contacting a divorce lawyer. Remind him when you tell him that, you are entitled to a good share of his pension. And likely the house as part of the divorce settlement. And child maintenance and spousal maintenance until the youngest is 18.

That will rattle him nicely :-)

This post about sums it up. You are being financially abused. There is no such thing as your own money if you're married.
Take half of the money in all accounts and put it in a single account in your name. This is perfectly legal.
Making fun of you is nasty. It's belittling and not something you say to the mother of your children.
Sorry but I think your husband is up to no good. See a divorce lawyer and plan a happier future. He's an arse at best.

SixtySomething · 28/08/2025 06:55

thepariscrimefiles · 28/08/2025 06:47

But she does have paid part time jobs that fit round the children and she spends two days a week doing the accounts for her husband's business. He just doesn't pay her for doing the accounts because he is a financially abusive twat. She is hardly freeloading. She also worked full time when the children were small and her husband was getting more qualifications to progress his career.

To call OP a freeloader is unfair and judgemental.

Show quote history

I agree absolutely. It's shameful to call OP a freeloader.

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 28/08/2025 06:56

Shakethedangertree · 27/08/2025 22:02

He’s going to leave you and is attempting to hide money. Claim some of that money and get a good divorce lawyer.

My only other advice would have been not to be so stupid 15 or so years ago but we see it every day on here

My only other advice would have been not to be so stupid 15 or so years ago

Really helpful.

Wherehavealltheflowersgone1 · 28/08/2025 06:57

Christ almighty, some of the responses on here are just awful. I am literally the last person to ever advocate being totally financially reliant on anyone else, but op hasn’t done that. She’s worked to earn money, she’s done all the “wife work” and she works for the dick head she’s married to, 2 days a week!

Ignore the horrible responses op. Your “DH” is being a massive twat. Asking how does it feel to overdrawn? I would have LOST MY SHIT.
You need a further, very pointed conversation with him. Tell him exactly how much you’ve done, for him and your dc, ask him how much he thinks he’d have to pay someone to do his bloody accounts? And tell him he either adjusts his shitty attitude or he can see how it feels to be taken to the fucking cleaners. You won’t fix his awful attitude by earning more, because this is a him problem, not a money problem.

My now DH out earned me for a fair few years, but never once did he ever resent it or talk bollocks about what was his. We were and are a team, strapped in and both pulling in the same direction. If your DH can’t get on board, I would seriously considered jettisoning him and moving on. I’m sorry he’s being such a prick.

sandwichlover93 · 28/08/2025 06:57

Definite financial abuse. Get your ducks in a row secretly. Good luck.

thepariscrimefiles · 28/08/2025 06:58

everychildmatters · 28/08/2025 02:06

@PalePinkPeony Doesn't stop a mother of 15 and 17 yo "children" working!!!
I too have a 15 and 17 yo and have always worked and I would hope they will do the same.

Edited

But you keep deliberately ignoring the part where OP has said that she does have paid part time work. She also has unpaid work doing her husband's accounts 1/2 days a week:

I have always worked...the part time work I mention is a job I'm actually paid for. The work I do helping look after DH's account is unpaid but takes up at least a 1/2 days a week.

FrogFalacy · 28/08/2025 06:59

Optimist2020 · 28/08/2025 06:35

Your husband is planning on leaving you and doesn’t value your contribution to the household. You need to protect yourself and put yourself first.

The older women in the family would say to me as a teenager : a man will feed you today, starve you tomorrow, always have a plan B, a man will tell you he loved you today , sleep with your friend tomorrow, always work and have a runaway account.

As a result, I went back to work full time when I had my LO , have two degrees and a rental property , knowing that I need multiple contingency plans in the event of a relationship breakdown.

Unfortunately, many women are too trusting and have no plan B . Your husband isn’t your friend.

I totally had the same type of mum and was given that advice. My mum had been burned by my father though and seen other broken homes in her life - this was her normal. But I am grateful it was as remaining financially independent really helped me escape a horrible relationship once and is definitely something I drum into my children!

But I have friends whose parents had incredibly traditional marriages - working dad handling finances and sahm looking after housework and kids. Stayed together lovingly for the while of their lives. The girls are often then much more likely to drop out of work as this is there normal - put kids first and expect husband to share the finances.

There is a terrible amount of pressure on young women - be there for your children and make sure you spend that quality time with them, but don’t rely on a man and work to be independent. It can be a very tough thing to achieve. I have a lot of guilt about using effectively 45 hours of childcare a week before they even reached 1. But yes I retained my independence. But I don’t blame my friends when I see they staying part time. To them looking back at their family full of parents and grandparents still together and sharing fairly how can they possibly be expected to pre-empt that one day their husband might decide actually this money is all mine.

It’s the husband in the wrong here - not the Op. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but has never actually helped anyone sadly

leahglass · 28/08/2025 07:00

Your husband is financially abusive (and also incorrect, which I expect he knows, as you are married and so all your assets are joint). He also thinks you are stupid and will believe him.

Leave him and get the 50% of marital assets you have earned.

We had a similar arrangement for the school bus as a teen and my parents had a rota with other families, it's all doable. Your 17yo could also start learning to drive.

Nestingbirds · 28/08/2025 07:01

usedtobeaylis · 28/08/2025 06:48

How the fuck have so many people managed to jump right in with snarky comments about the OP not working. Read the fucking post.

I am sure they are the same nasty misogynistic men we often see on threads like this, they deliberately derail the thread and purposefully
so.

They have no comprehension of living with controlling men that enjoy abusing their wives rather than supporting them, and their posts are very harmful.

NoMoreHotHols · 28/08/2025 07:02

OP, have you thought about a regular cab/taxi for your kids? If it’s only for a couple more years, it’d he expensive initially but you could still find a decent job, start building up pensions and re-start your career.

rommymummy · 28/08/2025 07:02

You are not a free loader. If you are not leaving (yet) I suggest you be more careful with your money and do more spending from the joint account. It’s awful you’re overdrawn while he is flush with cash. Divorce would see everything as joint, including his pension.

i am SAHM with DH high earner and I have access to everything. Also savings are in my name as interest he earns will be taxed due to his wage. On pay day he will say ‘we’ve been paid’ instead of just him.

So many red flags with your DH, seems to want to deprive you of finances and enjoying you being overdrawn. You need to think of your future.

Velvian · 28/08/2025 07:04

Some of these replies are insane! OP works outside the home, for her husband's business and has to ferry the DC from a rural location. She is downplaying her contribution to everything to try to not make her arse of a DH not sound too bad.

OP didn't mention the fact that she worked FT when her DC were small so her H could train for his Big Job and when she did it was to apologise for herself. This is a downtrodden, trampled on woman and it is quite clear that she is not and never has been a SAHM!

@RachelBee you need to get much firmer with your husband and find some anger. How would he react if you enthusiastically agreed when he threatens to sell the house? Somewhere the DC can get themselves to school/college/6th form? Whose idea was it to buy the rural house?

I think divorce is your best option. I agree with PPs that you need to see a solicitor. Could you buy your own place with the house equity and 50% of any savings held by either of you?

How is he with the DC and how do they get on with him?

Trickedbyadoughnut · 28/08/2025 07:07

Stop doing this unpaid work on his accounts immediately. Or you register as self-employed and he actually pays you as an employee - but it would be much better if you can get employment out of the home.

He's going to divorce you when the children are gone, it's pretty much following the script point by point. You need to hunt down all the information you can get on "his" financials (which are actually joint family money), as it would absolutely fit that he has been squirreling money away for himself. I bet there's a savings account somewhere.

Get on to a divorce lawyer asap. Don't give him any indication of what you're doing, you need to get yourself into the best position before he catches on.

GingerBeverage · 28/08/2025 07:08

Stop doing his bloody accounts. He can pay someone

FusionChefGeoff · 28/08/2025 07:08

I think posters nit picking about your employment situation is a red herring. And also feeding into husband’s narrative which is WRONG.

The point is your current situation is what was agreed and what suited your family. What you are doing is work - some paid and some, (shockingly, in the case of the accounts work), unpaid.

You allowed your husband to earn that money. Without you, he would not have been able to.

He is a horrible piece of work with no respect for you and the work you do both for his family and his business.

Yes, you should look at increasing your hours if you can make it work logistically.

And YES he should start paying you the going rate for the books.

But most importantly you need to look at ultimatums and divorce as he has now shown you who he really is.

familyissues12345 · 28/08/2025 07:09

Wow doesn’t he sound like a peach? I did the same, gave up work to be the one at home. I can’t remember a time that DH has “had” to do a school run, take time off to care for a poorly child, or manage school holidays. It all fell to me and DH worked hard to progress his career.
We’re a team though, each grateful of the others input.
Many years later, youngest is 16, and I work but only part time as we both appreciate it meaning that I have time to do the mundane house bits on my days off, leaving the weekend for niceties.

Money wise - we’ve had a joint acc since day one and it is just that - joint.

@RachelBee- please consider getting yourself some legal advice, he is being financially abusive to you x

Studyunder · 28/08/2025 07:11

Winter2020 · 27/08/2025 22:01

That sounds awful. I think it's time to tell your husband that school runs/childcare are his responsibility from September - he can do them or pay for a childminder to do them as you need to get back to work and start earning. Ask him how it feels to get to his age and not stepped up for his kids. Time for change.

Edited

Exactly this

charlieandthechocolatfactory · 28/08/2025 07:11

Time to leave

Lucelady · 28/08/2025 07:12

The bit I don't like OP is the aggressive comments your husband is making. The money is one thing but being abusive is another.
I ve been married 37 years and we've been rich and poor. We have our own accounts and we pay for set things.
I'm about to come into a huge amount of money and I'm well aware my husband has rights to 50% of it. He's earned it by his love and support for our family. He's recently nursed me through serious illness.
Would he have mocked me when I wasn't working? He bloody wouldn't as I have a spade and a patio!
Get some legal advice. And think about living somewhere more connected. Your teens will thank you. We moved to a very large town when DD was 16 and it changed her life.

FairyPoppins · 28/08/2025 07:12

Don't take half the money from the joint account just yet, or bill him for doing his accounts just yet.
Decide how you feel about him and your marriage. If you've realized that he's taking the piss then see a Solicitor, get copies of payslips, bank statements, any investments and pension projections and put plans into place to start divorce proceedings. Take the money from the joint account then.
I think you've realized this is not an equal marriage, and he certainly doesn't appreciate what you've done over the years so that he can concentrate on his career.
He's shown you who he is, it's time to believe him.

Bananafofana · 28/08/2025 07:18

He doesn’t sound like a husband, just a bullying housemate, and I couldn’t live like you have been - feeling bad about touching the “joint” account and being mocked for being in overdraft.

my husband filled my ISA allowance when I wasn’t working at all for a number of years and now that I’m working part time tops up my savings and investments with whatever he has divided equally in two. He split his inheritance from his grandmother and gifts from his parents equally with me too.

so, in short, i think the way he is behaving is disgusting and seeing a financial adviser solo is stupid and not the behaviour of a married man (unless of course he’s not planning to be married for much longer, as other people have pointed out).

NellieJean · 28/08/2025 07:18

Ponderingwindow · 27/08/2025 22:10

It’s only common if you are married to horrible men. Real partners view all earnings as shared.

We pool our incomes. We both share equally in success and failure. We are financial
partners. If my husband thought otherwise, I would have never agreed to anything less than a completely equal split of child and household responsibilities. That would not have been the best thing for our ND child, but it would have been necessary.

You need to put your foot down. If it is his money, you can’t afford to be the caregiver another day.

This. I sometimes think we are unusual in always having had a single joint account and taking all financial decisions together.

Neodymium · 28/08/2025 07:20

Stop doing his accounts for 1. Why would you be helping his business if it’s ‘his’ money. That’s absurd.

15 and 17 do not need someone home in the holidays. If they want to go out the organise a ride. They catch public transport. They get a part time job to pay for it.

so what if the bus to school is expensive. Drop them off and go to work. Tell them they can be picked up after you finish. They can stay at school and do homework until 5 then get the bus back and you can get them when you finish. Plenty of kids stay after school to do homework or assignments.

Mmmteeenywene · 28/08/2025 07:21

RachelBee · 27/08/2025 21:57

Hi

Would be great to get some advice regarding finances.

My husband earns a very good salary and as his income has increased over the years I left my career and found myself taking the lead on childcare (including covering all the holidays), sorting out all the household jobs and admin, looking after his accounts for a few hours a week and taking on some relatively low-paid part time work so I can have some income.

We have a joint account but as it's my husband's earnings I try not to touch it. I have dipped into it every now and then but it would only to sort out something for the household and for the children.

We were talking about getting some financial advice so we could plan for the next few years and he made it clear that the money in the joint account was his as he had earned it. I was talking about getting a couple of ISAS - one in each of our names with some of the savings sat in the joint account - but he said he would only put one in his name not mine as I hadn't earned it. I felt rather shocked by this. He has also told me that he would only meet a financial advisor without me.

I've also been getting incredibly frustrated at not being able to make decisions about the house as I don't earn the money. We really need to update our house a bit. But he always says no.

I feel like such a fool. I'm always overdrawn after the school holidays and today he asked me how it felt to be my age and to be overdrawn. It felt so humiliating.

I would love to earn what he earns and to call the shots. I do try to see it from his point of view and when I do I can see I probably look like a freeloader.

I have two more teens to go and in the next couple of years I plan on returning to work full time and to earn my own money. I don't at the moment as I still have to do the school run (we live in a small village) and I still cover all the school holidays. We have no friends or family around to look after the kids. And I thought we have enough income to allow me to be here for the children.

So...I guess I'm asking for someone to tell me if I need a reality check.

Are there any rights about this or should I seek a financial advisor myself.

Is this common after women begin to reach the end of their child caring years and haven't earned much?

Happened to me too. Thought we were in it together and that we made a succesful team increasing our assets and finances from zero to healthy during our 20 years together. I helped him for free in his business, researched and took financial decisions that benefitted us both. The invisible, creative, stable stuff. Turns out he thought his money was his, and mine was none because i stayed at home with the dc. My contributions were invisible and worthless. We are fighting over money and assets in divorce courts now. It's awful to realise the person who you thought was building a life together with you, was actually using you to have a solid home and life whilst only looking out for themselves.