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Original poster

When the joint finances suddenly aren't so joint after you've raised the kids....

475 replies

RachelBee · 27/08/2025 21:57

Hi

Would be great to get some advice regarding finances.

My husband earns a very good salary and as his income has increased over the years I left my career and found myself taking the lead on childcare (including covering all the holidays), sorting out all the household jobs and admin, looking after his accounts for a few hours a week and taking on some relatively low-paid part time work so I can have some income.

We have a joint account but as it's my husband's earnings I try not to touch it. I have dipped into it every now and then but it would only to sort out something for the household and for the children.

We were talking about getting some financial advice so we could plan for the next few years and he made it clear that the money in the joint account was his as he had earned it. I was talking about getting a couple of ISAS - one in each of our names with some of the savings sat in the joint account - but he said he would only put one in his name not mine as I hadn't earned it. I felt rather shocked by this. He has also told me that he would only meet a financial advisor without me.

I've also been getting incredibly frustrated at not being able to make decisions about the house as I don't earn the money. We really need to update our house a bit. But he always says no.

I feel like such a fool. I'm always overdrawn after the school holidays and today he asked me how it felt to be my age and to be overdrawn. It felt so humiliating.

I would love to earn what he earns and to call the shots. I do try to see it from his point of view and when I do I can see I probably look like a freeloader.

I have two more teens to go and in the next couple of years I plan on returning to work full time and to earn my own money. I don't at the moment as I still have to do the school run (we live in a small village) and I still cover all the school holidays. We have no friends or family around to look after the kids. And I thought we have enough income to allow me to be here for the children.

So...I guess I'm asking for someone to tell me if I need a reality check.

Are there any rights about this or should I seek a financial advisor myself.

Is this common after women begin to reach the end of their child caring years and haven't earned much?

OP posts:
Pregnancyquestion · 28/08/2025 00:46

RachelBee · 27/08/2025 21:57

Hi

Would be great to get some advice regarding finances.

My husband earns a very good salary and as his income has increased over the years I left my career and found myself taking the lead on childcare (including covering all the holidays), sorting out all the household jobs and admin, looking after his accounts for a few hours a week and taking on some relatively low-paid part time work so I can have some income.

We have a joint account but as it's my husband's earnings I try not to touch it. I have dipped into it every now and then but it would only to sort out something for the household and for the children.

We were talking about getting some financial advice so we could plan for the next few years and he made it clear that the money in the joint account was his as he had earned it. I was talking about getting a couple of ISAS - one in each of our names with some of the savings sat in the joint account - but he said he would only put one in his name not mine as I hadn't earned it. I felt rather shocked by this. He has also told me that he would only meet a financial advisor without me.

I've also been getting incredibly frustrated at not being able to make decisions about the house as I don't earn the money. We really need to update our house a bit. But he always says no.

I feel like such a fool. I'm always overdrawn after the school holidays and today he asked me how it felt to be my age and to be overdrawn. It felt so humiliating.

I would love to earn what he earns and to call the shots. I do try to see it from his point of view and when I do I can see I probably look like a freeloader.

I have two more teens to go and in the next couple of years I plan on returning to work full time and to earn my own money. I don't at the moment as I still have to do the school run (we live in a small village) and I still cover all the school holidays. We have no friends or family around to look after the kids. And I thought we have enough income to allow me to be here for the children.

So...I guess I'm asking for someone to tell me if I need a reality check.

Are there any rights about this or should I seek a financial advisor myself.

Is this common after women begin to reach the end of their child caring years and haven't earned much?

You have a joint account - withdraw half the money and put it in to you own account now, nothing he can do, it’s legally yours

PoolHog · 28/08/2025 00:47

99bottlesofkombucha · 28/08/2025 00:35

Op, I beg you. Today you tell him now that you know he earns his money for him not the two of you, you need to be back paid for however many years of accounting support, you can’t do his books as of today, and he has to do the school pick up next week and taxi for <“list 3 afterschool activities> plus dinner those nights as you’ll be busy job hunting. This will be ongoing now you know you’re financially separate, please back pay me by Saturday, don’t make me consult a lawyer to see if they would assess all my work for you as an implied contract. I need to fund an Isa for my future and you need to do some actual parenting and housework as I’m not your free labour.

I wouldn’t do this. I don’t think it’s salvageable and she shouldn’t tip his hand. See a solicitor.

Maray1967 · 28/08/2025 00:48

He is a total scumbag.

Issue him with an invoice for the last month’s accounting work and unless that is paid in full you no longer do his accounts. You work for money instead.

DoYouReally · 28/08/2025 00:54

It's financial abuse.

If you do his accounts, take a copy for as many years as possible. (You can use this in divorce court when he claims he is now earning less).

Every bank statement, life assurance, pension statement you can find.

Then speak to a solicitor.
Divorce him.
Return to full time work.

Lockdownsceptic · 28/08/2025 00:54

The point of a joint account is that both of you can access the money. You are being taken for a ride. He has lured you into thinking you were equal partners only to turn round and claim he should have the money because he earned it. You have earned it too. You have supported him, done the grunt work in the house, brought up his children. You are as entitled to that money as he is. And I’m pretty sure any divorce lawyer would agree with me.

Nanny0gg · 28/08/2025 00:55

RachelBee · 27/08/2025 23:19

I should clarify...

I have always worked...the part time work I mention is a job I'm actually paid for. The work I do helping look after DH's account is unpaid but takes up at least a 1/2 days a week. But I guess I don't consider it work as it's unpaid.

The kids are definitely old enough to look after themselves but there is the issue of a lengthy school run and the holidays where I don't want them left on their own all the time. We have no other family where we live so I think that is wrong.

But it has got me thinking about how I can take on more work or try and find a job near their school where I can build the school run around them. Then I just need to cover the holidays.

Show quote history

Do you jointly own the house?

Do you get 'paid' for working for your husband?

researchers3 · 28/08/2025 00:56

Shakethedangertree · 27/08/2025 22:02

He’s going to leave you and is attempting to hide money. Claim some of that money and get a good divorce lawyer.

My only other advice would have been not to be so stupid 15 or so years ago but we see it every day on here

Agree, but not re the stupid part. How rude and unnecessary.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 28/08/2025 01:01

ReadingSoManyThreads · 27/08/2025 23:46

Yet you still cannot fathom how restrictive it can be for some. You may live rurally too but you may have completely different infrastructure and facilities as to the OP. I've lived most of my life rurally, in different places and it varies massively. Some areas have schools a short walk away, other places it's a one hour journey away, some have buses, some don't. You cannot say that just because you can make it all work that everyone else can. Besides, Op DOES work, you keep missing that point.

Show quote history

They did actively choose that location and that school, knowing it would mean one of them wouldn't be able to work fulltime for 20 years or so, and I'm sure it was obvious even then who that someone would be. Not a decision I'd have ever made for myself, but I suppose there's no point dwelling on it now.

OP, I would be extremely concerned. His words and actions are clear; he doesn't see supporting you financially as part of his future. He's either going to leave, or (worse still) he's going to enjoy the fruits of his labour in retirement while leaving you next to nothing and having to beg for what you do get.

I strongly suggest you get out now while you can still easily get your hands on half of everything, and THEN set yourself up to work fulltime. And don't mention a word of it to him or he'll start making moves to hide things from you.

Poodlelove · 28/08/2025 01:02

Divorce this selfish man and take half

Flossflower · 28/08/2025 01:05

OP, apart from all the other areas of abuse, if you are doing your husband’s accounts, he or his company should be paying you at the correct rate.
I am older and was a SAHP when the children were young (40 years ago there was very little childcare available). I later worked PT. Our money has always been joint as we have the same/joint life goals.

RickertyRocker · 28/08/2025 01:08

Your husband is an arse.

They need to pay you for doing the accounts or pay someone else.

I am the higher earner. I would never treat my Oh like this. Also, my DC needed a lot more ferrying around at 15 and 17. Your OH need to pick up those duties and housework.

Howdodoyou · 28/08/2025 01:09

RachelBee · 27/08/2025 21:57

Hi

Would be great to get some advice regarding finances.

My husband earns a very good salary and as his income has increased over the years I left my career and found myself taking the lead on childcare (including covering all the holidays), sorting out all the household jobs and admin, looking after his accounts for a few hours a week and taking on some relatively low-paid part time work so I can have some income.

We have a joint account but as it's my husband's earnings I try not to touch it. I have dipped into it every now and then but it would only to sort out something for the household and for the children.

We were talking about getting some financial advice so we could plan for the next few years and he made it clear that the money in the joint account was his as he had earned it. I was talking about getting a couple of ISAS - one in each of our names with some of the savings sat in the joint account - but he said he would only put one in his name not mine as I hadn't earned it. I felt rather shocked by this. He has also told me that he would only meet a financial advisor without me.

I've also been getting incredibly frustrated at not being able to make decisions about the house as I don't earn the money. We really need to update our house a bit. But he always says no.

I feel like such a fool. I'm always overdrawn after the school holidays and today he asked me how it felt to be my age and to be overdrawn. It felt so humiliating.

I would love to earn what he earns and to call the shots. I do try to see it from his point of view and when I do I can see I probably look like a freeloader.

I have two more teens to go and in the next couple of years I plan on returning to work full time and to earn my own money. I don't at the moment as I still have to do the school run (we live in a small village) and I still cover all the school holidays. We have no friends or family around to look after the kids. And I thought we have enough income to allow me to be here for the children.

So...I guess I'm asking for someone to tell me if I need a reality check.

Are there any rights about this or should I seek a financial advisor myself.

Is this common after women begin to reach the end of their child caring years and haven't earned much?

today he asked me how it felt to be my age and to be overdrawn. It felt so humiliating

Don't feel humiliated. Feel angry. He's happy for you to have the risk on your life to birth his children, happy for you to not have a career, to raise his children..... happy for you to carry the mental toll of raising his children ( I know their yours too )

Absolute cheeky bastard. How dare he..... I'd actually divorce him op who does he think he is?

Tiswa · 28/08/2025 01:18

@RachelBee he doesn’t pay you for the accounts well that needs to change charge him an hourly wage even if it gets taxed

Tablesandchairs23 · 28/08/2025 01:28

I don't understand why he thinks its his. Your a team. He's financially abusing you.

chaosmaker · 28/08/2025 01:56

@RachelBee if he's going to be an arse, I'd start by invoicing him for the years of accountancy that you've done unpaid for him. I imagine that saved him a lot. Does he do any of the housework? It sounds unequal if you go back full time unless he takes on more work at home/with the kids.
Also marriage means that if you divorce then half is yours. Also if you do the accounts, would be be able to hide money from you? If he's been doing that for years then it's really worrying.

Crikeyalmighty · 28/08/2025 01:57

I’m afraid OP im with @MeetTheGrahams - transfer some money quickly and see a divorce lawyer pronto - the guy is an arse - and his attitude to you totally sucks - I don’t think he actually likes you much either I’m sad to say .

Squigglydums · 28/08/2025 01:57

I cannot believe the audacity of some of these men I read about on here! It’s the nerve, really.

PalePinkPeony · 28/08/2025 02:00

everychildmatters · 27/08/2025 22:49

@SaulHudsonDavidJones Tbf Ive never understood women who think having a baby entitles them to give up work for years and years on end. Long after the children need them at home.

Not sure of the last time I saw such an ironic username next to a post. Got to be up there in the top 5 at least.

Barney16 · 28/08/2025 02:04

If I was you I would get a full time job. My ex was exactly like this. What he earned was his, exclusively, what I earned was mine, and the children's and the houses. I left him to it and told him I hoped his money would keep him company in his old age.

WhatWouldRoyKentSay · 28/08/2025 02:06

chaosmaker · 28/08/2025 01:56

@RachelBee if he's going to be an arse, I'd start by invoicing him for the years of accountancy that you've done unpaid for him. I imagine that saved him a lot. Does he do any of the housework? It sounds unequal if you go back full time unless he takes on more work at home/with the kids.
Also marriage means that if you divorce then half is yours. Also if you do the accounts, would be be able to hide money from you? If he's been doing that for years then it's really worrying.

@RachelBee all of what @chaosmaker said. He certainly sounds more and more like ex-husband material.

everychildmatters · 28/08/2025 02:06

@PalePinkPeony Doesn't stop a mother of 15 and 17 yo "children" working!!!
I too have a 15 and 17 yo and have always worked and I would hope they will do the same.

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 28/08/2025 02:09

A freeloader? Have you ever stopped to think that he is only able to do his Big Important Job because you are taking care of everything else? INCLUDING THE SCHOOL BUS FARES?!

Stop doing his accounts for free. Get more hours of paid employment with someone who values you. And call his bluff about doing his fair share of your current mental and physical load. "We'll have to sell the house" my arse.

As for his snide comment about being overdrawn every month: that's despicable. Can you honestly imagine saying something that to someone you are supposed to love and respect?

Honestly, you should speak to a divorce lawyer. You may not be ready to act on the advice, but I suspect it'll open your eyes to a few things. Good luck x

SisterImpera · 28/08/2025 02:11

everychildmatters · 27/08/2025 22:12

@Ponderingwindow I'm not sure the OP has an income so how can it be pooled? She refers to a career but think she gave this up quite some time ago?

“Pooled” means that whatever the financial contribution (even if 0) the resources are shared - i.e. when my husband and I were/are both working, the money in our accounts belonged equally to us both regardless of who earned the most. When he gave up work to look after the kids, the money in our accounts STILL equally belonged to us both even through his income was zero - his contribution to the family was huge, but not financial. Actually I will say that he took some persuading to spend any money on himself so I think he didn’t quite “feel” it was his money as much as mine, but I think that’s quite common with a non-earning partner and they just benefit from a bit of reassurance.

I can NOT imagine a relationship where one partner is happy to watch the other struggle for money.

GreenLeaf25 · 28/08/2025 02:22

I’m so sorry OP. Agree with others here - he’s planning to leave you. I’d get in there first as divorce can take quite a while and your children are nearly 18.

I actually wouldn’t get a job now as in a divorce you’d be dependent on him and that would work in your favour financially. The courts will expect you to get a job so you won’t get everything of course, but % should tip in your favour whilst some of the kids are under 18 (my divorce took early 2 years because the courts are so backed up).

After the kids are 18, expect everything (equity, pensions, savings etc) to be split in half.

CallItLoneliness · 28/08/2025 02:54

RachelBee · 27/08/2025 23:41

I agree they don't need supervision in the school holidays.

But...we live in a rural location and they still need me to a taxi if they want to get out. I think there is also some guilt there as I returned to full time work when they were little so DH could get more qualifications to progress his career and I'm probably still making up for that time.

I am also practically full time. I should have clarified that my actual work that I get paid for is what I consider part-time work. But I also help with his accounts which can also be up to two days a week. And then it's the housework.

But now I'm definitely thinking I need to get a job out of the house and they'll have to organise themselves...

Show quote history

Do you need to live rurally? Could you move somewhere closer to DC school so you have more choices around work and earning? Whose decision was it to live rurally, thus ensuring you were tied to a school run and being a taxi for the kids? It sounds to me like your H has had a lot of things his own way, and I think it's time to change that. Oh, and BTW his threats to pack it in? Utterly empty. He gets his sense of self worth and who he is from work. He's not going to pack it in. He's threatening that so that you back down, because he is worried he might not be able to do so much of the thing that makes him feel the most like him.

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