Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Money matters

Find financial and money-saving discussions including debt and pension chat on our Money forum. If you're looking for ways to make your money to go further, sign up to our Moneysaver emails here.

Original poster

When the joint finances suddenly aren't so joint after you've raised the kids....

475 replies

RachelBee · 27/08/2025 21:57

Hi

Would be great to get some advice regarding finances.

My husband earns a very good salary and as his income has increased over the years I left my career and found myself taking the lead on childcare (including covering all the holidays), sorting out all the household jobs and admin, looking after his accounts for a few hours a week and taking on some relatively low-paid part time work so I can have some income.

We have a joint account but as it's my husband's earnings I try not to touch it. I have dipped into it every now and then but it would only to sort out something for the household and for the children.

We were talking about getting some financial advice so we could plan for the next few years and he made it clear that the money in the joint account was his as he had earned it. I was talking about getting a couple of ISAS - one in each of our names with some of the savings sat in the joint account - but he said he would only put one in his name not mine as I hadn't earned it. I felt rather shocked by this. He has also told me that he would only meet a financial advisor without me.

I've also been getting incredibly frustrated at not being able to make decisions about the house as I don't earn the money. We really need to update our house a bit. But he always says no.

I feel like such a fool. I'm always overdrawn after the school holidays and today he asked me how it felt to be my age and to be overdrawn. It felt so humiliating.

I would love to earn what he earns and to call the shots. I do try to see it from his point of view and when I do I can see I probably look like a freeloader.

I have two more teens to go and in the next couple of years I plan on returning to work full time and to earn my own money. I don't at the moment as I still have to do the school run (we live in a small village) and I still cover all the school holidays. We have no friends or family around to look after the kids. And I thought we have enough income to allow me to be here for the children.

So...I guess I'm asking for someone to tell me if I need a reality check.

Are there any rights about this or should I seek a financial advisor myself.

Is this common after women begin to reach the end of their child caring years and haven't earned much?

OP posts:
ByDreamyNavyDreamer · 28/08/2025 08:27

You sound like a lovely person, thinking about your children and your husband’s perspective.
But you have been a bit naive and your husband is taking advantage. You don’t have to get divorced or anything, but it wouldn’t hurt to speak to a solicitor and make clear to your husband you understand your actual legal position here. If a couple divorce after years where one parent stayed home to raise children, the stay-at-home parent is entitled to a fair share of the assets (house, pensions, savings, income), regardless of who earned the money.
The law does nor accept that the earning spouse’s money is his alone. Marriage creates a joint financial partnership, and courts recognise unpaid domestic and childcare work as an equal contribution.
He’s taking advantage of your kindness but you both owe it to your children to show them women’s rights.

DrBlackbird · 28/08/2025 08:29

ReadingSoManyThreads · 27/08/2025 23:18

Raising children and keeping the home is work. Just unpaid, thankless work that isn't valued by many.

Show quote history

Unfortunately we see how women buy into the narrative that the only work in a family that counts is paid work. Terms used here shock me eg ‘freeloader’.

Do paid work if you want to or need to but don’t support the patriarchy quite so unreflectively by denigrating the Op for being home for her family. Not so long ago it was the norm for the wife to run the house. Now women do both paid full time (often lower paid) work as well as the majority of unpaid work at home including caring responsibilities for children, often for elderly parents.

Many women want to do paid work. I do. However, I wish it was acknowledged that running a home is work. Not only cleaning and food shopping and meal preparation and laundry but so much more. Looking after children is work however much we love them. Study after study confirms that smaller children are (usually) better being looked after by their parents/mother than strangers.

Older teens do too. In many ways they need their parents as much or more given how they face facing issues about relationships, sex, identity, drugs, alcohol etc. Women and children have really lost out by the discourse that running a home doesn’t count and has added to more pressure faced by women yet still we get SAHM lambasted and denigrated on MN. Depressing.

abs12 · 28/08/2025 08:32

everychildmatters · 27/08/2025 22:56

@Anyahyacinth Except teenagers don't need childcare. The OP is choosing not to work.

FFS give it a rest. OP doesn't work as agreed by both or, as a pp said, he'd be gone by now. She has at least three kids so I doubt she's sitting around on her arse doing nothing all day. It's still work. Unappreciated, unpaid, monotonous crap.

And remember that finances are 50/50 so your nitpicking is irrelevant and doesn't change the fact that her husband is a prick.

thestudio · 28/08/2025 08:33

Well said @DrBlackbird.

Insisting that women aren't working if they're at home with children is just as misogynist as insisting they do nothing else.

And you're right - study after study confirms that babies and small children and better off at home. We're just all in total denial about this - also deeply depressing.

ilovelamp82 · 28/08/2025 08:36

Disgusting. Divorce him. Take half, maybe more.

rockstarshoes · 28/08/2025 08:37

So not only is he restricting your access to the Joint savings, he isn’t even paying you for the day and half you actually work for his business?
Fancy laughing at your wife for being overdrawn when she’s working for you for free! What a Twat!

The only good thing about this is that you obviously have access to his accounts, so make sure you take photos of all the financial information so he doesn’t try to hide money & screw you over in a divorce!

Do you actually want to stay with him, because I wouldn’t even be able to look at him!

Move half the money to a saving account of your own (obviously after you have documented all his business income) & go see a divorce lawyer!

Superhansrantowindsor · 28/08/2025 08:40

He sounds very mean.
Charge him for all the unpaid work you have provided.

Dymaxion · 28/08/2025 08:40

Has he expressed a wish for you to be contributing financially before now?

I think this is a mistake many men make, that not having to pay for childcare, wrap around care, school holiday care is somehow not financially contributing, even though it will have saved thousands of pounds over the years. Always having another parent to collect a sick child from nursery or school and look after them until they are better/allowed back is priceless and unless paying for a full-time Nanny not something that you can outsource unless you have very understanding and available family support.

Typicalwave · 28/08/2025 08:40

Twistedfirestarters · 28/08/2025 08:19

I don't think the op getting a full time job is going to fix this marriage sadly. She's unlikely to be able to earn the same as her husband so he will continue to throw that in her face. He has also made it clear he won't pick up any slack. This is not a good man. I imagine the marriage has worked this long because the op has put him first and enabled him to do exactly what he wants.

I think the op should get a job for herself though so she is in a good position if she decides to leave.

All the people who are saying the op is some kind of freeloader for not working full time are missing the point. It sounds like her DH has never raised this as an issue. He's been happy to have his little house elf beavering away taking up all the slack. He just doesn't want to give anything in return. If he had a problem with it he could and would have raised it at the time. There's a reason he didn't...he wanted the op exactly where she is now. Feeling powerless.

Getting the full time job is going to help give her security - this twat of a man isn’t going to suddenly say ‘oh yes, darling OP, have 50% Becsuse you’ve worked jyst as hard as me over yhd years’ when divorce happens.

Twistedfirestarters · 28/08/2025 08:45

Typicalwave · 28/08/2025 08:40

Getting the full time job is going to help give her security - this twat of a man isn’t going to suddenly say ‘oh yes, darling OP, have 50% Becsuse you’ve worked jyst as hard as me over yhd years’ when divorce happens.

Show quote history

What I said was getting a job isn't going to fix her marriage - because it isn't.

Posters are going on about her not working as if that's the issue and if she only went back to work full time everything would be hunky dory. It won't.

As I said in my post, she should get back to work full time for herself so she isn't relying on the goodwill of a financially abusive man..

MiniCooperLover · 28/08/2025 08:46

Unfortunately OP while I think your getting a fulltime out of the house job is important, it isn't going to change anything other than mean you're in a better position when he does leave. He's only holding on until your teens are older, he's already checked out in a lot of ways and the fact he considers that money 'his' shows it. I would be very unsurprised after that conversation if the joint account doesn't get emptied on his end quite quickly.

snowmichael · 28/08/2025 08:48

RachelBee · 27/08/2025 21:57

Hi

Would be great to get some advice regarding finances.

My husband earns a very good salary and as his income has increased over the years I left my career and found myself taking the lead on childcare (including covering all the holidays), sorting out all the household jobs and admin, looking after his accounts for a few hours a week and taking on some relatively low-paid part time work so I can have some income.

We have a joint account but as it's my husband's earnings I try not to touch it. I have dipped into it every now and then but it would only to sort out something for the household and for the children.

We were talking about getting some financial advice so we could plan for the next few years and he made it clear that the money in the joint account was his as he had earned it. I was talking about getting a couple of ISAS - one in each of our names with some of the savings sat in the joint account - but he said he would only put one in his name not mine as I hadn't earned it. I felt rather shocked by this. He has also told me that he would only meet a financial advisor without me.

I've also been getting incredibly frustrated at not being able to make decisions about the house as I don't earn the money. We really need to update our house a bit. But he always says no.

I feel like such a fool. I'm always overdrawn after the school holidays and today he asked me how it felt to be my age and to be overdrawn. It felt so humiliating.

I would love to earn what he earns and to call the shots. I do try to see it from his point of view and when I do I can see I probably look like a freeloader.

I have two more teens to go and in the next couple of years I plan on returning to work full time and to earn my own money. I don't at the moment as I still have to do the school run (we live in a small village) and I still cover all the school holidays. We have no friends or family around to look after the kids. And I thought we have enough income to allow me to be here for the children.

So...I guess I'm asking for someone to tell me if I need a reality check.

Are there any rights about this or should I seek a financial advisor myself.

Is this common after women begin to reach the end of their child caring years and haven't earned much?

> he would only meet a financial advisor without me
That would be a huge red flag to me

> he asked me how it felt to be my age and to be overdrawn
That's coming across as a very nasty thing to say

If possible, speed up the 'returning to full time work' plan, and start putting aside as much as possible in your own ISA

> Are there any rights about this or should I seek a financial advisor myself
Yes and yes

Summeriscumin · 28/08/2025 08:49

He's preparing to leave the marriage. See a lawyer.

Notsandwiches · 28/08/2025 08:51

I think you need to get all the financial info about accounts and investments before it disappears. I think you need to tell him he's in charge of the household now as you need to concentrate on your own wealth building and you're going back to work.

snowmichael · 28/08/2025 08:51

sesquipedalian · 27/08/2025 22:14

”he made it clear that the money in the joint account was his as he had earned it.”

If it’s in a joint account, then legally half of it is yours, irrespective of who paid it in. If you took out half and bought an ISA in your name, would he have a fit? You need to tell him (as he seems not to understand) that marriage is a partnership to which you both contribute, and while he may earn the money, you look after the DC and run the house. He is a crumb, asking you how it feels to be overdrawn “at your age”. Ask him if he’s prepared to step up with the childcare so you can get a job in order to do the things you want round the house. It’s really not OK for your DH to humiliate you - you’re not his unpaid skivvy, and in a marriage, money should be for the good of everyone. I think you need to have a serious talk with your DH about just what he thinks marriage is, and why he thinks that you should have no say over financial decisions. OP, he’s being appallingly unreasonable, and you know this.

> If it’s in a joint account, then legally half of it is yours, irrespective of who paid it in.

In the UK, half of any money, in any account, is legally hers

Lurker85 · 28/08/2025 08:54

You can’t stay with a man that has said those words to you I’m afraid. As soon as he did, it was over.

YourNeatPoet · 28/08/2025 08:56

IMHO his wish to see a financial advisor without you is a big red flag. I am divorced but friendly with my ex, and all throughout our married life we had 100% joint finances, and I never had to think twice about spending from our account, even when I wasn't working for childcare reasons. I would ask for a serious conversation with him about your future - and also, if your kids are teenagers, I'd bring forward your plans for full time work. Remember, however, that everything brought into the marriage, including his salary and savings, is yours as much as his. Be cautious about him salting away any hidden money.

pointlessfish · 28/08/2025 08:57

Is the 17 year old learning to drive ? If they pass their test and as parents you get them set up with a cheap car, the school run will be sorted for a little while.

YourNeatPoet · 28/08/2025 08:58

OP, reading others' posts makes me revisit and say - maybe it's time to pull the rug from him and see a solicitor. At the same time, perhaps withdraw 50% of what's in the joint account and open an account in your own name.

nomas · 28/08/2025 09:00

Take half out of the joint account now. That money is as much yours as his.

HereForTheFreeLunch · 28/08/2025 09:00

I am sorry you have the rug pulled out from under your feet and I am sorry you are having a hard time here re working hours.
Presumably your DH was very happy for you to step back from your career and pick up all the domestic slack. It is totally unfair that he now says his savings are his alone.
It looks like you have never had shared finances or you would not end holidays being overdraft while he has savings.

In MN terms, time to get your ducks in a row. Transfer 50% from the joint account to your account. His reaction and subsequent actions will tell you whether you need to LTB.

poshme · 28/08/2025 09:02

If you are doing his accounts and it takes 1/2 days a week he should be paying you. And if he is a higher rate tax payer, it would be tax efficient for him to do so.
i work part time and always have done. DH works long hours in a well paid job. He now employs me a day a week to do his accounts and admin (alongside my other job)
For several years I earned nothing as SAHM. Our accounts are joint- we share everything.

OP you need to decide if you want to stay with him. If you do, you need to have a long, calm discussion about finances- including him paying you for work done.

anotherside · 28/08/2025 09:04

Your only focus right now should be on a good divorce lawyer and getting everything you’re entitled to. Once he’s divorced he can happily horde every penny he earns, once he’s paid appropriate child support.

blueclip · 28/08/2025 09:04

Well he’s wrong saying that he earned it so it’s his - you’ve done a lot of donkey work and facilitated his career - you have most certainly earned the money to put in an ISA

also, in a good marriage, it’s idiotically stupid financially not to use the ISA allowance of one spouse.

when he asked you how it feels to be overdrawn at your age, you should have told him that it made you feel like you had been taken advantage of - loads of hours of free childcare, caring, admin, housework for him, with zero pay for you.

anyway I agree with those saying to see a solicitor and think about divorce. Although I will say the timing is unfortunate if you have a 15yo 17yo and a uni fresher. That means they are about to face GCSEs, A Levels and a massive change leaving home.

Pregnancyquestion · 28/08/2025 09:05

everychildmatters · 28/08/2025 02:06

@PalePinkPeony Doesn't stop a mother of 15 and 17 yo "children" working!!!
I too have a 15 and 17 yo and have always worked and I would hope they will do the same.

Edited

Bully for you.

Yes, she could have worked full time hours but instead she’s stayed part time and has done 100% of the childcare and housework. He’s benefited from that and apparently refused to do any extra so he benefitted from her working part time. They’re also married so legally it doesn’t matter anyway.

I do not want to be and I do not want a housewife, I want us both earning and equal at home and at work and with childcare - but that doesn’t mean that I would come on another persons thread and bash them because they’ve made different decisions to me. He didn’t say 10 years ago - hey why don’t you get back to your career? He’s waited until the kids are nearly adults to suddenly decide that his money is his alone.