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Original poster

When the joint finances suddenly aren't so joint after you've raised the kids....

475 replies

RachelBee · 27/08/2025 21:57

Hi

Would be great to get some advice regarding finances.

My husband earns a very good salary and as his income has increased over the years I left my career and found myself taking the lead on childcare (including covering all the holidays), sorting out all the household jobs and admin, looking after his accounts for a few hours a week and taking on some relatively low-paid part time work so I can have some income.

We have a joint account but as it's my husband's earnings I try not to touch it. I have dipped into it every now and then but it would only to sort out something for the household and for the children.

We were talking about getting some financial advice so we could plan for the next few years and he made it clear that the money in the joint account was his as he had earned it. I was talking about getting a couple of ISAS - one in each of our names with some of the savings sat in the joint account - but he said he would only put one in his name not mine as I hadn't earned it. I felt rather shocked by this. He has also told me that he would only meet a financial advisor without me.

I've also been getting incredibly frustrated at not being able to make decisions about the house as I don't earn the money. We really need to update our house a bit. But he always says no.

I feel like such a fool. I'm always overdrawn after the school holidays and today he asked me how it felt to be my age and to be overdrawn. It felt so humiliating.

I would love to earn what he earns and to call the shots. I do try to see it from his point of view and when I do I can see I probably look like a freeloader.

I have two more teens to go and in the next couple of years I plan on returning to work full time and to earn my own money. I don't at the moment as I still have to do the school run (we live in a small village) and I still cover all the school holidays. We have no friends or family around to look after the kids. And I thought we have enough income to allow me to be here for the children.

So...I guess I'm asking for someone to tell me if I need a reality check.

Are there any rights about this or should I seek a financial advisor myself.

Is this common after women begin to reach the end of their child caring years and haven't earned much?

OP posts:
NetZeroZealot · 28/08/2025 07:22

OP leaving aside the financial abuse which others have given excellent advice on.

Similar to you, rural area, long school run.
Your eldest DS needs to get a driving licence ASAP. Pay for lessons from
the joint account. Birthday & Xmas present if you like.

Lennonjingles · 28/08/2025 07:23

If your DH wants to have separate money, then he should be paying you for doing his accounts, at least minimum wage £13 per hour. Personally I would start taking money out of joint account, it’s joint for a reason and pay for DC and household things, car expenses, food through that and try to and keep your own money. If he doesn’t agree to this, then I’m afraid that would be the end for me. It doesn’t matter who earns more or works more, marriage and DC are joint. The only having one ISA per household is utter rubbish.

Nestingbirds · 28/08/2025 07:24

Neodymium · 28/08/2025 07:20

Stop doing his accounts for 1. Why would you be helping his business if it’s ‘his’ money. That’s absurd.

15 and 17 do not need someone home in the holidays. If they want to go out the organise a ride. They catch public transport. They get a part time job to pay for it.

so what if the bus to school is expensive. Drop them off and go to work. Tell them they can be picked up after you finish. They can stay at school and do homework until 5 then get the bus back and you can get them when you finish. Plenty of kids stay after school to do homework or assignments.

Read the thread. There is NO public transport where they live! It is not unusual. We have the same problem. Jesus.

You can’t leave teens in a house without transport for six bloody weeks and every holiday. If it was so simple op would have done this by now!

Sunnygin · 28/08/2025 07:27

BigCity · 27/08/2025 22:23

There is no difference made in divorce law between earnings and work in the home. It makes no difference if he puts it in his name it’s still a joint asset in divorce. Your role is considered equal. Ignore questions about why you are in this situation the court is not interested in dissecting your marriage it would say you both accepted this split of labour and assume it was a mutual decision (given he hasn’t left).

If he won’t share the money with you and leaves you in debt that’s financial abuse.

You need to educate yourself about how assets would be split in divorce, you need to collect evidence of his earnings, savings, tax returns, pension etc and go get legal advice.
You should divorce him while your children are under 18 as your need to house them are higher now than when they are 18+

I actually wouldn’t say anything to him until you have evidence, understand the law and have an escape plan. Let him underestimate you.

The alternative to divorce is you stay and watch him enjoy a comfortable retirement while you go without or he leaves you as soon as the youngest child is 18 and argues you only need a 1 bed retirement flat and hides the money.

Wake up, get angry, get educated and get organised. give yourself the advice you would give your child if they were in your situation.

This post is correct...but I would add...find your self a job ...even part time...because if your marriage ends at least you have some income to help...

RenovationNightmare · 28/08/2025 07:29

RachelBee · 27/08/2025 23:19

I should clarify...

I have always worked...the part time work I mention is a job I'm actually paid for. The work I do helping look after DH's account is unpaid but takes up at least a 1/2 days a week. But I guess I don't consider it work as it's unpaid.

The kids are definitely old enough to look after themselves but there is the issue of a lengthy school run and the holidays where I don't want them left on their own all the time. We have no other family where we live so I think that is wrong.

But it has got me thinking about how I can take on more work or try and find a job near their school where I can build the school run around them. Then I just need to cover the holidays.

Show quote history

Why do you need to cover holidays? Your teenagers have two parents. Honestly a man that's reluctant to plan for the future with me would have me worried.

Neodymium · 28/08/2025 07:30

@Nestingbirds plenty of people do. You can leave teens home. If it’s that isolated then drop them off in the morning somewhere on the way to work. Drop them to a friends. They can get a part time job in the village. There is ways around it. But saying I can’t work full time because I have a 15 and 17 year old who need entertaining in the holidays is mad. I have a 14 and 16 year old and live where there is no public transport close. I’m lucky that I’m a teacher so I’m off most of the holidays but days I’m not they either stay home, get a ride, get dropped off somewhere before work knowing they can’t get picked up til after or go to a friends.

Perplexed20 · 28/08/2025 07:31

You need to stop doing his accounts for free. You are subsidising his business.

Typicalwave · 28/08/2025 07:31

RachelBee · 27/08/2025 23:45

I've always worked and have never been a full time SAHP aside from maternity leave.

I think because I work from home and the 'paid' work is part time and I don't earn the wages he does I look like a freeloader in comparison.

I too wouldn't want anyone doing nothing when the kids are at school but that is the time that I work.

Show quote history

Absolutely no person who stays at home or works part time and does all of the unpaid shit work and takes on the risk (if they manage to work part time) to their employment eith child sickness and the risk to their future career opportunities is a freeloader.

And don’t let anyone tell you that you are.

Start billing the bastard for all the unpaid shit wirk you do, and take it out of the joint account. Or go out to work full time and tell him to figure it out.

Pepperpie14 · 28/08/2025 07:31

Leave him, get half the money in the divorce and buy somewhere closer to the school so you can actually start living your own life and not being a complete doormat to your husband and children.

Thortour · 28/08/2025 07:31

I understand you need to be the kids because of the setting. But you could work evenings and weekends. You're only 51 and have the potential to save a lot which will help your situation. It may also help him realise hes being a prick.
You've always done the right thing for your family. Now you need to look after yourself.

UncharteredWaters · 28/08/2025 07:32

Keep doing the accounts, it’s a good way to know his finances for divorce.
also that’s contributing to the family business which you can then have a % off.
do not take money for this - that makes you an employee.
make sure there is a paper trail - I.e texts/emails saying things like. Dinner is x and y, after I’ve finished doing true business accounts/tax/vat etc. so it’s clear you helped build that business.

Needlenardlenoo · 28/08/2025 07:33

He won't invest in maintaining the house because he's not planning to live in it much longer. Sorry.

Do NOT tell him you are thinking of divorce.

I think driving the kids one way because the bus fare's expensive was a false economy as it took 5 hours a week of your time instead. The 17 year old is learning to drive hopefully? I do think they could walk 15 minutes - that's nothing.

I can see how you got in this situation but it's not stupid to trust the person you're married to.

I think if you disclose to a close friend or relative such as a sister, you may find their opinion of him is not high...

elaineyadayada · 28/08/2025 07:34

BigCity · 27/08/2025 22:23

There is no difference made in divorce law between earnings and work in the home. It makes no difference if he puts it in his name it’s still a joint asset in divorce. Your role is considered equal. Ignore questions about why you are in this situation the court is not interested in dissecting your marriage it would say you both accepted this split of labour and assume it was a mutual decision (given he hasn’t left).

If he won’t share the money with you and leaves you in debt that’s financial abuse.

You need to educate yourself about how assets would be split in divorce, you need to collect evidence of his earnings, savings, tax returns, pension etc and go get legal advice.
You should divorce him while your children are under 18 as your need to house them are higher now than when they are 18+

I actually wouldn’t say anything to him until you have evidence, understand the law and have an escape plan. Let him underestimate you.

The alternative to divorce is you stay and watch him enjoy a comfortable retirement while you go without or he leaves you as soon as the youngest child is 18 and argues you only need a 1 bed retirement flat and hides the money.

Wake up, get angry, get educated and get organised. give yourself the advice you would give your child if they were in your situation.

This is the best advice OP. He has revealed to you his values and beliefs. As people have said at this stage of the game he is very unlikely to realise that he has taken advantage and that he is wrong about how a happy healthy marriage should run. He demeans you and thinks your precarious cash flow is funny. It’s not. Please do not alert him to what you need to do. You need to get all the information you can in order to protect yourself and indeed your children. This isn’t love. Keep quiet and arm yourself. Talk to him later if you must. I’m so sorry he said that to you.

Needlenardlenoo · 28/08/2025 07:34

For those who've not read the OP's updates: she does work! Paid and also in a family business. And had caring responsibilities until recently.

Alwayssnacking · 28/08/2025 07:36

Stop helping your DH with the accounts..this time can now be used for you to increase your paid work. If he doesn't like it he can lump it. 15yr and 17yr old can look after themselves including in the summer holidays.and getting to and from education. Definitely find a job FT and start earning ready incase there is a split. I don't think the legal system would see all the money in the joint account as "his" at all!!.

Typicalwave · 28/08/2025 07:38

RachelBee · 27/08/2025 23:41

I agree they don't need supervision in the school holidays.

But...we live in a rural location and they still need me to a taxi if they want to get out. I think there is also some guilt there as I returned to full time work when they were little so DH could get more qualifications to progress his career and I'm probably still making up for that time.

I am also practically full time. I should have clarified that my actual work that I get paid for is what I consider part-time work. But I also help with his accounts which can also be up to two days a week. And then it's the housework.

But now I'm definitely thinking I need to get a job out of the house and they'll have to organise themselves...

Show quote history

Did you work full time whilst your husband took time off for study?

If yes, then did he do all the unpaid shitwork whilst he didn’t work?

I bet he didn’t, did he?

He has got double standards and is a freeloading nasty piece of work.

AgnesX · 28/08/2025 07:42

If you do his accounts you'll have a good idea of his income which is a great starting point for a negotiation.

Do a spreadsheet including an hourly rate for doing his accounts and housekeeping and make a dummy invoice. Point out how much he's saved over the years.

If this doesn't win any traction with him then follow through.

12345mummy · 28/08/2025 07:45

As a starting point OP, tell him you won’t be organising his accounts and he should make other arrangements (he can pay for an accountant!). Secondly get the children booked onto the bus and DH can also finance that. Then find yourself a job with more hours - could be term time only or home working option for the School holidays. Good luck OP x

MummyJ36 · 28/08/2025 07:45

Whether you are FT or PT, his attitude is horrible and he clearly doesn’t see childcare or family responsibilities as worthy of anything. This attitude would be such a red flag. You’re meant to be a team.

silkypyjamas · 28/08/2025 07:45

Oh dear I’m so sorry for your situation it seems like you have gone along accepting his guidance as man of the house (not a criticism btw) and realising now your DC are getting to the age of independence that you are worth more and want to look at how you can increase your wealth jointly. Now it seems that the red flags are appearing when you take an interest your husband is shutting you down. As if you’re clueless and leave it to him he knows best.
I was in a different but similar position in my marriage where yes my husband made all the financial decisions but I was the only earner for 12 years when he didn’t work and was a SAHD. He told me when I asked about increasing my pension contributions that it wasn’t worth it because his pension was so good. Now I’m divorced I realise that he wasn’t that astute with finances and made some bad decisions. My earnings were put into a joint account which as in your title nothing joint about it. My salary paid for everything apart from the council tax and I had an allowance. I was happy to do this for 20 years but realise looking back how he used this to control me financially. I’m now so much happier and wealthier due to my hard work and good financial decisions such as my own ISA!!

Do you think he senses that you are dissatisfied with the marriage in other ways do you are positioning yourself to leave eg. Creating an escape fund? Maybe start asking to be paid for your work otherwise you’ll have to drop the accounting and find another job. Call his bluff a bit and get brave. I know it’s hard and financial advice ain’t cheap. I wasted 3k on an advisor I could’ve googled the info myself. And with AI now you can do some research yourself.

good luck xx

DreamingofTimbuktuagain · 28/08/2025 07:48

Your husband should be paying you for the work you do for him. It’s more tax efficient for a start, you’ll pay less tax than him keeping and it’s tax deductible from his business. If he says you are too expensive then it makes more sense for him to pay someone cheaper and you to spend that time earning more money elsewhere. He won’t like it but can’t argue the household won’t have more money.

Dancingsquirrels · 28/08/2025 07:52

The "man eith a big job / SAHM" model often prioritises the man's interests, IMHO

He doesn't respect you. Listen to that

Motheranddaughter · 28/08/2025 07:53

A close friend of mine is in a similar situation
TBF her and her DH agreed she would stop work until her youngest DC went to. school
Said child is now 4 years out of Uni
Her DH is becoming increasingly difficult about money,spending lots on expensive clothes and gadgets,and asking her to justify her spending
I have strongly suggested she take legal advice and you should too

raisingthebarbell · 28/08/2025 07:57

Why on earth isn’t he paying you to do his accounts? This is absurd and he is completely taking advantage plus of course by doing his free work it’s preventing you taking on any more paid work.
If nothing else, I would be telling him if he won’t give you access to more funds then you clearly need to earn more and won’t be doing his accounts anymore. And please, literally just stop - no long winded handovers or keeping it up until he finds someone else. I’d be telling him you are fully occupied jobhunting as you hadn’t realised quite hell serious the situation was and this of course he wants to start praying you properly.

Imbusytodaysorry · 28/08/2025 07:57

@RachelBee LTB and do it on the quiet .
As pp said it a lawyer you need.

You made a rod for your own back by not taking the money though. Trying not to use it .
Id start getting tough now and tell him he needs to pull his weight if the money is his and he doesn’t think you have earned it as an equal in your marriage then you will be going back to work full time and he needs to do 50/50

Honestly though I’d say leave . As once the kids are past 18 he will leave you and with nothing .