Splitting costs with boyfriend

[lurchermummy]

My daughter has recently moved in with her boyfriend, they are going to move out of the place they’re currently in and get their own flat together. The boyfriend earns more than twice what my daughter earns as she is currently studying and will then be training. However, he is insisting on splitting the cost 50-50, I think this is unfair and they should do it proportionally. I don’t know what is the normal rule of thumb in these cases, how do your adult children split their living expenses with their partners? They are in their 20s, they are not engaged but there is every indication that it is a long-term relationship as they have already been together for three years and have talked about getting married in the future.

No not at that age, they should be financially independent. DH and I first got together in our mid twenties and everything was fifty fifty, why should he subsidise her choices? They're not married and have no joint children.

If your dd can’t advocate for herself in her relationship op

you have bigger concerns than finance split

If I was the boyfriend’s mother and he asked me for my view… I’d say hell yes 50/50

Hi she can advocate for herself but she is asking me for advice as to what’s reasonable and I don’t know what the norm is these days (if there is one)

Tell your daughter to set her budget that suits her finances and look for properties that she's happy to pay 50/50 for, if he doesn't like that then he can either pay proportionally or they live separately.

@TomatoSandwichesthanks yes she’s done that but says he’s wanting a bigger place to wfh or one that is in a nicer area etc

In their twenties

how old?

If they split 50:50 then she dictates their budget for their flat etc. If he has a problem then he should top up the difference.

He can't expect her to pay more out of her own pocket for his wants.
She has the smaller income so they go by what she can afford if he wants 50/50 or he can pay extra, that's fair and even.

This

he shouldn’t be forced in to anything
and your dd shouldn’t be forced in to anything

they’re young, financially independent with no ties

Hes a few years older than her and a fully qualified accountant, she’s training to be a solicitor so will earn more but is on a very tight income for now -we are helping her but can’t afford to give more.

She’s moved in already

and they are only discussing this now?

In that case he;ll need to pay a bit more to cover the things that HE would like. If he wants 50/50 then they have to work to you daughters lower budget. If he wants a fancier or bigger place than he would have to make up the difference.

I think 50/50 is fair if no kids and they're not married

Paying 50/50 is fair, but it has to work for her budget. She tells him what she can afford each month. If he wants a more expensive place he pays the difference.

I’m guessing she’s very early 20s, 22? 23?

so I imagine marriage is last thing on their mind

@Specialberriesyes young but they’ve been together for nearly 4 years and there’s every indication they will get engaged maybe when she finishes training

I moved in with my (now Husband) at 21 and we split proportionally. I earned half his salary but worked longer hours. We were in London and he wanted us to feel like equals and it was his recommendation to split this way. It meant we could live somewhere we both wanted to and enjoy our social lives without the other one struggling. I’m so grateful he had this opinion and it made our relationship even stronger. He valued my contribution. We just worked in different industries, it wasn’t that I was slacking in anyway and he knew that. It’s a personal choice but this worked for us as we had a long term relationship in mind.

She needs to stick by the financials that work for her, not to take advantage but to not leave her short or paying over the odds because her bf wants a better place.

If he wants a better more expensive place he needs to pay more for it.
He sounds unreasonable to me, what will happen if they have children? Will he still expect her to cover 50/50 when she's on maternity leave? Will he pay into her pension on maternity leave?

She needs to protect herself because he doesn't seem to have her insterest or even fairness in mind.

He can’t want something that she cant afford. She needs to work out her budget for housing, bills, socialising etc and stick to it. If he wants something more expensive, he either accepts he can’t have it of he pays the difference. Your DD has to be very very firm about what she is willing / able to afford.
TBH I’d be very pissed off in this situation. My DH and my ex before both earned more than me when we moved in together and we split costs proportionately. Demanding 50:50 when it’s going to leave one of you with significantly less money isn’t fair.

I could have split 50/50 and I wouldn’t have said anything - but it would have put a strain on our relationship as I wouldn’t have been able to afford to go out for dinner/ with friends/ buy him birthday gifts etc.

I think it massively depends on where you live and how crippling the costs are, which they are for young people now.

So they have been together since teens

OP in the boyfriend’s mothers shoes I would be hoping and praying it’s 50/50

at 22 and with no ties whatsoever to his girlfriend… no bloody way should he be subsidising her.

He is in his early twenties Fgs

and why wasn’t this agreed before move in date?!

This couple are in their very early twenties

So you think it's fine for your boy to expect his gf to shell out 90% of her budget/income because HE wants a more expensive place?

How exactly is that fair?

Thanks all they are in London, the place they are living in now was previously shared by her boyfriend and a friend, the friend moved out so she moved in when she got offered her place to study, they are having to move out as landlord has given notice.