Splitting costs with boyfriend

[lurchermummy]

My daughter has recently moved in with her boyfriend, they are going to move out of the place they’re currently in and get their own flat together. The boyfriend earns more than twice what my daughter earns as she is currently studying and will then be training. However, he is insisting on splitting the cost 50-50, I think this is unfair and they should do it proportionally. I don’t know what is the normal rule of thumb in these cases, how do your adult children split their living expenses with their partners? They are in their 20s, they are not engaged but there is every indication that it is a long-term relationship as they have already been together for three years and have talked about getting married in the future.

I hope your responsibility free 25 year old son understands that if he wants fancy things, he is the one who will pay for them, and he can't bully people into paying for his personal luxuries 😇

He would be able to get that flat
but with a working friend

so the ball is very much in his court
and he’s looking out for himself
and at his age…. That’s good

Ah yes, Another man who only wants the bits of feminism that benefits him financially

I think you might be missing the point a bit, OPs DD is happy to go 50:50 as long as it's within what she can afford, he is wanting a bigger apartment in a nicer area as he works from home, and is still wanting her to pay 50:50, even though he knows she can't afford that.

hes basically telling the op’s dd that the relationship doesn’t have a future

he wants a flat that he can afford with someone who isn’t a student.

when the time comes to move…. He will move in to the flat he wants that he can afford, but not with the OP’s dd I suspect

His fault is not having the spine to finish it with the OP’s DD

He IS happy to pay for them

He is NOT happy to subsidise the OP’s DD

So I expect it’s his way of ending things

@Specialberries "His fault is not having the spine to finish it with the OP’s DD"

then perhaps you should have started with that sentiment instead of making it sound like you think OPs DD is some sort of arse for not being able to afford what her BF wants.

To be honest though this seems to have hit a nerve of some sort, gonna guess your DS has a gf you're not fond of 😅

@lurchermummy

I'm agreeing with other posters who say that DD should figure out her own budget based on her salary and tell him "This is what I can afford to pay. We either we find something within my budget and we pay 50/50 or if you want a 'bigger or better' place you'll have to pay the difference because I cannot afford to". She can add 'and asking my parents for additional help is out of the question' if that is an issue.

His response to this will tell her all she needs to know about 'who he is' and what her position is in his life. If he's not happy to 'slum it' until she's fully qualified and can afford a 'naice place' then he won't ever be a 'real' partner to her. Extrapolating on that, chances are he won't be willing to shoulder the extra financial costs if they decide to have children and she cuts back on her work in order to be the primary parent.

No one has the right to demand that another person put themselves in financial difficulties to satisfy their own desires.

Neither come off well
they’ve moved in together and don’t seem to have given the question of finances any thought despite the dd being a student

My DS is 14 at a boy’s school 😂

but at 25, in London, I want him subsiding no one and spending or saving his own money to his heart content

Where did your DD live before this @lurchermummy ?

They're 22 and 25! Chances are the relationship won't last if they've already been together a while and he's now a professional. I wouldn't buy a hat just yet OP.

Ha ha amazing how this has kicked off. Okay we are not talking fancy apartments here we are talking 1 bed flat in somewhere like Cricklewood! We can’t afford to give her more money than we do, next year she will be working but on a modest salary, the year after that she’ll be on more and she’s very happy to pay more as her earnings increase. They’re a lovely couple and very happy together, I definitely don’t think he wants to dump her or the other way round. As others have posted yes it’s important to see this from his perspective too and it needs to be fair. I actually think it’s good they are tackling this now before they do get married - if indeed they do. But a flat based on her budget is likely to be quite a miserable affair - it seems a bit daft when they could live somewhere just a bit nicer if he would be willing to contribute a bit more. But yes, at the end of the day she’s going to put the options to him and see if they can work something out.

50/50 IF she sets the budget otherwise hell no. She’ll end up with fuck all spare money if he sets the budget and bluntly if he’s already “I wanna nicer house and I wanna spend money” then she’s going to be spending a lot of time home alone while he’s out having fun because she can’t afford to do anything

I think it should be 50:50, and therefore the place they rent should be dictated by her budget. If they find somewhere suitable, but he really wants somewhere else that is, say, £100 a month more expensive, he should pay the extra. If he’s insisting on 50:50 (which is fair enough as a general principle), he has to accept her budget.

@lurchermummy Tell her to double up on contraception and NOT get pregnant to him.

together, I definitely don’t think he wants to dump her or the other way round.

and yet he seems to be giving your DD something of an ultimatum.

One of the reasons the birthrate is falling is because women are waking up to men like this

In terms of "What's normal these days" - neither of my dds (22 and 25) would sign up to rent a flat they couldn't afford 50% of.

None of my business of course, but I'd be quite disappointed if they thought some young lad had to subsidise them through life.

Personally I’d feel very uncomfortable knowing my 22 year old student daughter was being subsidised by her 25 year old boyfriend

Which is exactly what ops DD is willing to do.

I find it quite shamefully that people here are assuming that the ops DD is expecting her bf to subsidise her when it has been explained she is happy to pay 50/50 on accommodation that suits her more limited budget yet it is the BF that wants ops DD to pay money she doesn't have or can not afford for a bigger, nicer place for him to wfh in knowing she has a much lower income.

It's like inviting your best friend out to dinner knowing they have £20 but only inviting them to a Michelin star restaurant and expecting them to split the bill.

I'd feel very uncomfortable knowing my DD is subsidising her bf that earns twice as much for a bigger place so he can wfh.

This thread will end up being deleted like the last one that proved Mr 50/50 wasnt so feminist after all.

Well your daughter can gurantee she can always pay her way by choosing to be child free by choice