Splitting costs with boyfriend

[lurchermummy]

My daughter has recently moved in with her boyfriend, they are going to move out of the place they’re currently in and get their own flat together. The boyfriend earns more than twice what my daughter earns as she is currently studying and will then be training. However, he is insisting on splitting the cost 50-50, I think this is unfair and they should do it proportionally. I don’t know what is the normal rule of thumb in these cases, how do your adult children split their living expenses with their partners? They are in their 20s, they are not engaged but there is every indication that it is a long-term relationship as they have already been together for three years and have talked about getting married in the future.

@lurchermummy MTPW- I know London well. I am a Londoner and have been young, in training etc.

Neither your DD nor you should even be asking this.

25 ad 27. Unless BF had offered anything else, it is 50:50 and your DD should be offering and insisting on 50:50.. IF it means parents help one who can't afford, so be it.

If the 27 yo BF really is as lovely as you describe him, he would offer to pay or cover parts of your DD's 50%. But it must be his offer.

So what is 'normal these days'. Your DD should and MUST insist on a place SHE can afford 50% of costs for and make that clear to BF. If he insists on a place DD cannot afford 50% of the costs as it seems here, then 1) he is breaking up with her indirectly and 2) in any even 25 yo women in your DD's shoes would offer to break up if they cannot agree on something she and her parents can afford and is being asked to pay something she cannot afford.

Next: Parents can offer advise to DD to tell BF she will OWE him say 20% she cannot afford for 2 years in 2 years with interest.

Readers, small claim courts are full of this. Your DD should be independent and be able to walk away from this relationship in 1 year etc if it changes. She should not be feeling like she owes her BF. That is for those in marriages who have real, legal reasons for staying even if things aren't great.

So advise your DD to insist on a place she can afford. They also do not have to live together. He can get anther friend to share his expensive flat and she can get a studio she can afford. Simples.

50/50.

I cant understand ppl who lead a champagne lifestyle while watching their partner lead a sausage roll lifestyle

Come again?

are we still talking about a young couple in their twenties, unmarried and childfree?

Oh come on You know women take a financial hit by having children So to make sure she can always pay her way your daughter could always swerve motherhood
Come again? Translation..................shit i might not get any grandchildren

Absolutely this and I would hope for that for my daughters and son, whichever way around it is.

Indeed I do

but we are not talking about that scenario or even approaching that

22 year old student DD
25 year old boyfriend
no children
no shares assets
Not married

so bizarre to throw in a very different scenario

I have DC at that age and stage of life. The norm is to be financially independent and split things 50:50. Normal flatshare “rules” apply. If 1 person has a lot more space, they may pay more. If they WFH or want the heating on 24/7, they pay the extra cost of the bill. If he wants more space for a home office area and is WFH, it wouldn’t be unfair for him to cover the extra costs of that but doing things proportionally to income is not usual.

Quite a few of their circle have been in a similar situation (one still studying while the other works). The better off partner might contribute more to optional things like going out, luxury food etc but not basic living costs.

When DC graduated and was sharing a flat with a better paid friend, the friend got the better room and paid more rent. Where would she be living and what would she be paying if she wasn’t with her boyfriend? Seems too young to me for a 25 year old, who will probably have a student loan to repay, to subsidise his 22 year old girlfriend. If you can’t make up the shortfall as parents, maybe they should just date until she can afford to cohabit equally.

@KnickerFolderthanks that’s helpful. I think if she wasn’t living with him she would be sharing with a friend in similar financial situation and I guess they’d just have to get a cheaper place. Before she moved to London she lived with us while she was applying for jobs, before that she was at uni. They’ve not talking about getting married imminently - but it’s definitely a possibility. I was married at 25 and I was a working professional so it’s not exactly a crazy prospect, maybe in 5 years or so.

I’d say 50/50. My kids did similar at that age. Although one of my sons paid more as his girlfriend was really skint however he get to use the second bedroom as an office so got more for his money.

They are 23 and 25. They’ve only just moved in together. He’s her boyfriend, not her fiancé, partner or husband.

FWIW, if she were taking a course funded by student finance, she would be considered to be dependent on her parents for funding purposes until she is 25, even if she is living with a boyfriend. He wouldn’t be expected to support her or top up her student loan.

Yes, this. I think it's important that she keeps her financial independence, but her boyfriend needs to accept this means they live somewhere that fits with her budget.

That is irrelevant to the point being made here.

You shouldn’t be encouraging your very young daughter to expect her boyfriend to subsidise her. She should also be able to talk openly with her boyfriend about money without involving her mother.

it sounds like they are both a bit young to be counting if they can’t figure this one out. But I do hope he enjoys his first proper income without having to pay for his girlfriend.

@Bellyblueboyim not encouraging her to do anything I’m just seeking opinions as to what the norm is these days. She is more than capable of talking to him but asked for my thoughts - personally I think it’s great that she still wants to confide in her Mum and I’m here to listen and support.

Do you know his salary op?

This post gives me chills especially after todays Loose Women

She should also be able to talk openly with her boyfriend about money without involving her mother

What's her current rent situation? - I couldn't quite make it out.
When I moved in with my then-boyfriend-now-husband (in London, having been living separately in London previously), I carried on paying the same amount of rent as I did for my room in my lovely flat share I was giving up, and he paid the remainder, a lions share. This was based on the fact that otherwise I would have been financially worse off for us moving in together, and him the opposite (I was also the lower earner and taking on the risk of losing a really great flatshare place had the relationship not panned out). Everything else was 50/50.

This.

Like when sharing a student house - the person with the 'better' (bigger, or even en-suite) paid more. But everyone had to be able to afford their 'share' before agreeing to move in.
She starts with a 50:50 assumption, but then talk about if either one of them wants something that isn't a basic need, then that person could choose to pay extra for it.

Long term serious partners (doesn’t need to wait for marriage) we split the bills proportionately. I was higher earner so started out 80:20 as I wanted a nicer house than he was able and willing to pay for but now our split is more like 60:40 as his career has progressed and we have a child together. We split rent and all household bills like this but had no joint account until we bought a home together and had a child. Still never married. Support your daughter to advocate for what is a reasonable and sustainable lifestyle. This is a test of their partnership and how they work things like this through together.

@lurchermummy OP I think people have been given good advice. If not married then 50:50 but she needs to be realistic and open with him about her budget.

This. She has X money, they find something for 2X. If he wants 2X + Y place, he pays X + Y.

Who says you don’t need algebra as an adult?

What @Louloubohosays. I also split 50/50 even though my partner was a much higher earner. Now I feel like a fool and taken for a ride by what’s come to light as my very tight ex. Marriage has nothing to do with it. So if he wants a flashier place, he pays the difference. His profession speaks volumes. I think you may be seeing this bloke’s true character.

So she doesn't actually want to live in a place she can afford 50/50? It sounds like your DD and you both want her living in a nicer place, but want him to pay for it.

50/50 is completely reasonable.

How does he expect her to pay for it?