Splitting costs with boyfriend

[lurchermummy]

My daughter has recently moved in with her boyfriend, they are going to move out of the place they’re currently in and get their own flat together. The boyfriend earns more than twice what my daughter earns as she is currently studying and will then be training. However, he is insisting on splitting the cost 50-50, I think this is unfair and they should do it proportionally. I don’t know what is the normal rule of thumb in these cases, how do your adult children split their living expenses with their partners? They are in their 20s, they are not engaged but there is every indication that it is a long-term relationship as they have already been together for three years and have talked about getting married in the future.

We always split everything 50:50. When we first started dating, I was the higher earner and OH was on a very low trainee wage, but still insisted on 50:50. As the years passed, OH's wage exceeded mine, but we still paid 50:50. In fact right up to when I took maternity leave and then gave up work to start a business, we did everything 50:50, but by that time we were married and had bought our own house, so all our wages and savings were pooled and everything was 50:50 despite unequal earnings and unequal savings going into it. Even before we lived together, from our first date really, on days out or holidays, we'd have a "joint" purse, where we both put in the same amount of cash and used it to buy "joint" things like snacks, meals, attraction entry costs, souvenirs, etc. It never really figured on our radar that one of us earned more or had more savings - if we "enjoyed" something together, we paid equally for it.

It is absolutely ridiculous that he expects her to do this

Does he think she can magic money out of thin air?

The sensible thing to do is your daughter says nope not yet I can’t afford it

End of conversation

My adult dd and her partner moved in together when she was earning much less than him. They split the costs proportionately-and still
do now she out earns him. Marriage is irrelevant so long as they both have legal
protections in place- wills
and

Wow, have things changed that much in 30(ish) years? DH and I bought our first home when he was 23 and I was 20. We weren't married then but have always split everything proportional to take home. It's been tricky at times because he's had spells of self employment, but we've made it work.
My advice would be it's either proportional or 50:50 based on what she can afford. If he wants bigger etc, he pays the extra - which probably means proportional would work anyway!

Then she says I can pay 50% of where I’d choose to live with my budget. If you want to live somewhere nicer and can afford that then you will have to pay for it. Tell her watching how this discussion goes will be an excellent insight into what kind of person he is and whether he’s capable of being mature and giving. Because if he says no he’s really saying I choose expensive things and you have to pay half.

Here also you say we are helping you as much as we can, we certainly can’t afford to give you more money to pay for what your boyfriend wants. You’re not married engaged or genuinely committed based on this discussion, you need to stick to ‘I can pay 50% of a flat I can afford, if that doesn’t work for you then I will have to go and find a flat share.’ Be really clear with her because if he can’t handle this discussion he’s not a catch. Maybe he could be after becoming less self centred but he’s not right now and it’s not her job to train him.
it’s great she talks to you about these things, I hope my children do.

I moved in with my now husband mid-20s. We kept our accounts separate and split joint bills (internet, water, electricity), rent and groceries. We paid in turns when we went out.

When we got engaged, we started to pool money then eventually it all pooled together around the time we got married, where we don’t have anything separate.

Agree with other posters. If he insists on a 50/50 then the rent and bills needs to be based on what your dd can comfortably afford ….. so not the place he is looking at.

This is not a good sign of things to come.

50/50 bills, but then everything else, also: cleaning schedule of all flat, including toilet, fridge and cupboards, buying food (cost and actual time going to the shops), etc.
There’s a danger that your DD, as ‘not-working FT’, will end up doing all these things by herself- while BF will be ‘tired’ after full- day work.

This
She needs to work to her own budget not his.

How is that unfair ? Nobody is forced your daughter to take the job she is doing.

Well no cos he wants things 50/50 right?