DH and money -How can I get through to him that young children are expensive?

[imsureiusedto]

My DH is obsessed with the idea that we are on the verge of ruin. It’s putting intolerable strain on my marriage and I keep questioning if I want to be with him at all. When I raise it things improve for a while but a few weeks later revert.

We have two children who are four and one (two in midsummer.) I think it’s since younger child was born that this narrative started appearing and it’s now seeping into everything. He is constantly complaining. I work three days a week and I earn just under £2000 (I am talking in terms of take home pay.) He works full time and he earns more than double that, but I do also have a rental property which brings me around £450 so that helps. So we obviously earn well.

After a while I decided that I just wasn’t going to talk money with DH and that I’d pay for what I needed and in effect act like I was single from a financial point of view. This sort of worked for a while but this month has been an expensive one. So yesterday we spent

DDs swimming lesson (I pay for kids swimming)
DS soft play (he can’t swim at the moment due to an ear infection but I obviously didn’t want him to miss out)

Then I took them into town. My shoes broke on Friday so I was going to get a new pair. DH gave me his card; I stupidly said yes. Bought my shoes (£30) and lunch for the kids at m and s.

Then DDs dance - I paid for.

I am absolutely fed up of it. Does he think they can’t eat or that their activities should be curtailed when we earn well?

There’s absolutely no way he’d even consider it. And actually I don’t want it either.

Ok enjoy!
I'm out

No wonder you’re hard up at the end of the months.

food bills plus kids clubs, clothing, treats and I presume petrol and all your own bills as well as debts would easily bring you up to or over £1000 depending on how big your debt payments are plus you’re saving for the kids.

how much exactly is your mortgage and bills. By my reckoning he has a LOT more expendable money as even a high mortgage of 2.5k plus bills of £500 would leave him with 1.5k left and no responsibility to spend that on anyone but himself. You need to have a very frank conversation about this as you may very well be better of leaving him and having him pay maintenance. That’s a sad truth as it shouldn’t be so in an equal relationship.

Why can’t you be open and direct?

Why can’t you say, Listen, love, you spend on the things important to you like Big Hobby and Car, but you moan about the kids expenses. Why don’t we discuss the budget together? Why don’t we have a joint account? What’s the reason not to?

If you’re avoiding his reaction because he blames you in some way, stop avoiding it. Thrash it out. What’s the worst that will happen, realistically?

It is ok not to be sure what to do

Speaking as a fellow teacher, this is a bad week to take major decisions with energy at a low ebb.

Take some time over half term to run the numbers.

Value of your rental, equity in it, notice you'd have to give the tenant
Current spending split between you and DH as a proportion of what you both earn (how many month ends since end of mat leave have you been 'overdrawn')
How is your debt being financed? Can you re-finance it?
Impact reducing hours in September will have on finances
Information you don't have about your finances that you would like to have
Have you had pension advice? I was a bit shocked when I looked to see what PT working does to TPS. Wesleyan are good for advice. They gave me advice and didn't charge me nor try to sell me anything.
Websites like Turntous and Entitled to will give you an idea what you might be entitled to
Your school may subscribe to a confidential employee advice line (mine does). Consider calling them.

Sorry, just read this. I misunderstood and thought you were insulting me! Which is actually fine but I’d rather people just said what they thought in a way as I can defend myself then and say ‘well, actually …’

P.s. debt from maternity leave is awful as it means he let you be hard up when you had loads of money between you but it’s only you who has paid the price of having a baby (reduced wages on mat leave and now, but you accrued debt and pay the childcare).

Op

I am sorry that you are being attacked on this thread please report the posters

To give more context can you tell us how much the mortgage is per month?

@NoSquirrels we have … I think that this is why by now I know things won’t really change! All that happens is he’s apologetic and does change for a few weeks and then the comments and the remarks start to sneak back in.

We do have a joint account but to my knowledge there’s no money in it. It’s pointless me paying into it if he isn’t. And we’ve got this system going where he pays for some things and I pay for others. It isn’t that I feel I’m disadvantaged by this - it’s more the endless endless comments that are just destroying things. It’s no exaggeration to say they’re just slowly killing the marriage but still they continue.

£1500.

I did tell my DH it was couples therapy or divorce. He said about the cost (we were so broke that we received tax credits/UC/whatever it was called them) and I told him it was cheaper than divorce.

We went, it helped.

In that case, you do need marriage counselling specifically focused on finances. The ‘system’ is broken, isn’t it? You are disadvantaged. In more ways than solely financial.

I really don’t want counselling. I don’t particularly like the model and I know he wouldn’t go for it.

I think that when the children are older pressure will be alleviated because I won’t be paying for childcare; I can put that money into mortgage etc. And also I can work more, so earn more.

If things don’t improve, well, I guess I have my answer then.

That last sentence exactly sums up the issue - you earn and I assume facilitate him working by doing the childcare and cleaning yet there is a power inbalance here. Him earning more does not make him better than you, in charge of you or actually do more than you.

you probably do more yet he controls you by criticising you

the only person who can change this is you

Also why would you take over the mortgage - he doesn’t need or want you to but suddenly childcare has gone he will want more

No one wants to go to counselling, it's no fun at all. But you said yourself he refuses to engage, you're not going to get anywhere by yourself I don't think. Having a neutral third party point out the power imbalance / illogical aspects of your current setup etc might help him see sense. I am also worried you are being taken advantage of even though you clearly have your wits about you - why aren't you on the mortgage when you're both decent earners?

Waiting for the kids to be older isn't really an answer. He's going to be like this forever. Can you imagine getting your pension and being told off for going out with your friends? This isn't a "time will heal" issue.

If you have your own accounts and don’t use a joint at all I don’t see how he can see what you’re even spending in order to make all these comments about £15 in Tesco?
How does he have the information on your spending to even comment if it’s separate and he’s in work the days you’re off?

Op, want do you want from us?

You say nothing will change with your husband long term, that he won't open up and in many ways, you don't want/ see the need for anything to change. You're clearly not happy, but any suggestions for action are shot down immediately.

Please step back and just think if you really are truly happy staying in this situation and if you really think this is the best atmosphere and the best example for your kids.

i came on to say the same thing…

Wait.... You're not on the mortgage? Sort that ASAP.

I may have misunderstood OP's reply, but a PP asked about the mortgage here.

Having more money won't change his attitude that he is right, he has the divine right to spend to spend his money how he likes but not on the DC and berate you for covering 3 persons costs on your salary, that the DC are your hobby that he shouldn't have to subsidise.

It's not really about the money, you aren't a team.

Good luck OP. I hope your marriage gets to the point it works for you both…

My financial situation is completely different to yours (joint everything, just about) but my DH does that panicky “how much?!” teeth sucking about things.

then I point out how much we earn, the state of our savings, and our relative frugality, and say “yup, I think we can afford it so suck it up”. But it’s much easier as we have completely transparency about stuff.

Of course you shouldn't have to pay for everything but having more than one activity in a day (or on ever day) isn't necessary nor is eating out. Yes it's nice to eat out, and kids going swimming is good but I think you need a conversation to agree just how many different activities you are going to do and obviously a not even 2 year old who can't swim at the moment doesn't need to go to soft play to compensate.

When my dc were small we took packed lunches if heading out for the day, and they did just one paid class per week, they are only in their 20's - things I have observed have gone crazy as far as paid classes!