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Original poster

DH and money -How can I get through to him that young children are expensive?

511 replies

imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 13:27

My DH is obsessed with the idea that we are on the verge of ruin. It’s putting intolerable strain on my marriage and I keep questioning if I want to be with him at all. When I raise it things improve for a while but a few weeks later revert.

We have two children who are four and one (two in midsummer.) I think it’s since younger child was born that this narrative started appearing and it’s now seeping into everything. He is constantly complaining. I work three days a week and I earn just under £2000 (I am talking in terms of take home pay.) He works full time and he earns more than double that, but I do also have a rental property which brings me around £450 so that helps. So we obviously earn well.

After a while I decided that I just wasn’t going to talk money with DH and that I’d pay for what I needed and in effect act like I was single from a financial point of view. This sort of worked for a while but this month has been an expensive one. So yesterday we spent

DDs swimming lesson (I pay for kids swimming)
DS soft play (he can’t swim at the moment due to an ear infection but I obviously didn’t want him to miss out)

Then I took them into town. My shoes broke on Friday so I was going to get a new pair. DH gave me his card; I stupidly said yes. Bought my shoes (£30) and lunch for the kids at m and s.

Then DDs dance - I paid for.

I am absolutely fed up of it. Does he think they can’t eat or that their activities should be curtailed when we earn well?

OP posts:
MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 09/02/2025 18:37

Rosscameasdoody · 09/02/2025 16:14

Why are you paying for the childrens’ things - they’re his kids too ? He sounds like an arsehole.

Show quote history

Why isn't she paying her share of the mortgage and bills - it's her home too? She sounds like ... - no, let's not descend to unsubstantiated personal insults. But this sounds like good old Mumsnet double standards

Mt563 · 09/02/2025 18:38

The bankruptcy comments with no context or discussion would be the end for me. If that's genuine and he won't talk, I couldn't handle it. You need to understand your household finances. If he's lying, that's manipulative and abuse, so game over for me.

NoSquirrels · 09/02/2025 18:39

OP, it is almost always a bad decision for one partner (usually the man) to be responsible for fixed costs whilst the other partner is responsible for variable costs like food, children’s expenses etc. It’s almost always a recipe for either out and out financial abuse (having to pay for childcare solely from the lower earner’s salary is a red flag here), or just bad feeling - like you say you’re experiencing.

You cannot just give up on communication about money if you intend to stay married.

However if you think you’re heading for divorce, you should protect your position as much as possible by not reducing your paid work hours. And get divorced sooner than later, for both your own and the children’s sakes.

Original poster
imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 18:39

Of course I know that but it’s also what I have - it’s not normal but it lie the reality of my situation. It may be that eventually it becomes unbearable and I end things; it also may be that things improve when the children are no longer nursery age. I hope so but it’s anyone’s guess just at the moment.

OP posts:
Pipsquiggle · 09/02/2025 18:39

The more you post @imsureiusedto the more it seems you and your DC are being financially abused.

Just because your DH doesn't want to talk about finances doesn't mean that you should acquiesce to his position.

This is such a huge red flag and also a deal breaker for me.

Original poster
imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 18:39

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 09/02/2025 18:37

Why isn't she paying her share of the mortgage and bills - it's her home too? She sounds like ... - no, let's not descend to unsubstantiated personal insults. But this sounds like good old Mumsnet double standards

Show quote history

Well, I would agree personal insults aren’t great but that sort of passive aggressiveness is worse.

OP posts:
Hercisback1 · 09/02/2025 18:42

imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 18:39

Of course I know that but it’s also what I have - it’s not normal but it lie the reality of my situation. It may be that eventually it becomes unbearable and I end things; it also may be that things improve when the children are no longer nursery age. I hope so but it’s anyone’s guess just at the moment.

Why will things improve? Your nursery fees will be going off the mortgage?

You're kidding yourself that he will change, he won't unless you force it.

Are you willing to force it or walk away?

Original poster
imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 18:44

NoSquirrels · 09/02/2025 18:39

OP, it is almost always a bad decision for one partner (usually the man) to be responsible for fixed costs whilst the other partner is responsible for variable costs like food, children’s expenses etc. It’s almost always a recipe for either out and out financial abuse (having to pay for childcare solely from the lower earner’s salary is a red flag here), or just bad feeling - like you say you’re experiencing.

You cannot just give up on communication about money if you intend to stay married.

However if you think you’re heading for divorce, you should protect your position as much as possible by not reducing your paid work hours. And get divorced sooner than later, for both your own and the children’s sakes.

I have no idea what we’re heading for. It really is anyone’s guess at the moment. I don’t want to end the relationship but I also can’t live as we currently are.

OP posts:
MissDeborah · 09/02/2025 18:44

Please type out his costs vs your costs/debt Op

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 09/02/2025 18:44

imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 18:39

Well, I would agree personal insults aren’t great but that sort of passive aggressiveness is worse.

Show quote history

Sorry, I didn't mean to be passive aggressive, honestly! I was reversing the poster's statement and didn't do so through to that logical end as I thought that poster's abuse of your DH as an 'arsehole' inappropriate and would be equally inappropriate to describe you as such. I'm sorry that it came across as snide Flowers

ViolinsPlayGentlyOn · 09/02/2025 18:44

Was your husband supportive of you going part time? Just wondering whether that could be driving some of his thinking about the finances if he assumed you’d be going back full time and sharing all costs 50/50.

If that is part of it, would it be worth calling his bluff and saying you’ll go back full time but he has to not only pay 50% of the increased childcare costs but also take on 50% of the child / home responsibilities. He may decide that the status quo suits him much better than it did…

But I do agree with others that the main issue seems to be communication. Would he agree to counselling / mediation at all?

ManyATrueWord · 09/02/2025 18:45

I have a friend who has a husband like this. No budget, just an idea that anything spent on children or wives is money wasted. I wish she would leave.

Completelyjo · 09/02/2025 18:47

I just really don’t see how your DH isn’t at least paying proportionally.
You earn close to 40% of the income and pay £800 childcare plus some of the food and clothes plus activities for very young children seems totally reasonable within that income.
I find it hard to believe with you paying for those items he isn’t covering at least 60% of the remaining bills from his salary when it’s mortgage, all utilities, repairs, house things etc.

NoSquirrels · 09/02/2025 18:47

imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 18:44

I have no idea what we’re heading for. It really is anyone’s guess at the moment. I don’t want to end the relationship but I also can’t live as we currently are.

Show quote history

Then I’d say you need to really force the finances conversation - by any means necessary - so you can get clear on which way it’s going to go. Outside help from marriage counselling if needed. (Cheaper than a divorce, tell him!)

onwards2025 · 09/02/2025 18:50

You are never going to resolve this if you earn well but don't pay anything to mortgage and bills, change that and it may help his mentality on money a lot.

He sees you paying for things that are not as essential and critical as the things he pays for, so they will look like luxuries so when you then run out of money I'm not surprised it's not received well.

Can you suggest that you pick up some of the bills and he picks up some of the children's activities? Similar ish value but if he got used to you putting money into an account t to pay a bill, eg council tax it would reduce the impact of all of the essentials falling 100% on his shoulders.

There is one thing not having a joint account but how did it get to a point where you earn a decent amount but don't pay any of the household bills and just the extras?

JustFeedMeCake · 09/02/2025 18:51

I just don't understand couple with children that don't have a joint account and pool resources. All this I bought this, he pays for that. It's very weird to me, sorry.

RandomMess · 09/02/2025 18:51

I think you need to lay it on the line with your DH that you cannot continue with his attitude towards you & money. That you would be better off & happier apart the way he is behaving now.

Give him a week to come back to you with reasonable suggestions on how to move forward.

Flowers
Original poster
imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 18:52

Completelyjo · 09/02/2025 18:47

I just really don’t see how your DH isn’t at least paying proportionally.
You earn close to 40% of the income and pay £800 childcare plus some of the food and clothes plus activities for very young children seems totally reasonable within that income.
I find it hard to believe with you paying for those items he isn’t covering at least 60% of the remaining bills from his salary when it’s mortgage, all utilities, repairs, house things etc.

I absolutely think he’s paying proportionately. My complaint isn’t that he isn’t paying, it’s that if money is needed for a child related thing and I need more I am endlessly complained at and am made to feel bad and in fact even if I don’t. For example, an advert came on the TV the other night and I said how beautiful the place looked and he started complaining that it ‘looked expensive’ and we couldn’t afford it - I hadn’t even said I wanted to go. This is constant. It stopped for a while after the last big row we had about this but then started up again.

DH pays for the mortgage and bills but after the mortgage by far the biggest expense is cars, and this is needed to a point because it is kind of ‘expected’ he has a ‘good’ car and I guess that’s about impressions. His hobby is a costly one and while I wouldn’t ask him not to do it I am mindful of it as well. (No it isn’t cycling.)

OP posts:
Tiswa · 09/02/2025 18:52

Thinking you are going to be bankrupt is not normal behaviour OP unless you are overspending?

he either has an irrational fear of being bankrupt

or he is massively overspending in debt and at risk

where does the childcare and mortgage come from - yes it is taken into account for affordability of borrowing more - are you planning that? But again him not paying it would make sense if he were the only name on it. That is all very weird.

i think really you do need to push exactly what is behind this

Tiswa · 09/02/2025 18:53

Hold on he has an expensive hobby but begrudges the kids the same?

Original poster
imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 18:53

RandomMess · 09/02/2025 18:51

I think you need to lay it on the line with your DH that you cannot continue with his attitude towards you & money. That you would be better off & happier apart the way he is behaving now.

Give him a week to come back to you with reasonable suggestions on how to move forward.

Flowers

The problem is I have … it stops then starts again.

And I don’t think I am blameless by the way but it’s hard to sort when I feel I can’t be open and direct about things.

OP posts:
Original poster
imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 18:55

Tiswa · 09/02/2025 18:53

Hold on he has an expensive hobby but begrudges the kids the same?

He doesn’t really begrudge the children. This is why it’s so incomprehensible really. His complaint and it’s a fair one is that the spends add up and they do, he’s right. But it does mean we’re bickering about my pennies while pounds of his go unnoticed and that is hard - BUT he earns it so … 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 18:55

JustFeedMeCake · 09/02/2025 18:51

I just don't understand couple with children that don't have a joint account and pool resources. All this I bought this, he pays for that. It's very weird to me, sorry.

That was helpful. Thank you for informing me I’m weird.

OP posts:
Original poster
imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 18:56

onwards2025 · 09/02/2025 18:50

You are never going to resolve this if you earn well but don't pay anything to mortgage and bills, change that and it may help his mentality on money a lot.

He sees you paying for things that are not as essential and critical as the things he pays for, so they will look like luxuries so when you then run out of money I'm not surprised it's not received well.

Can you suggest that you pick up some of the bills and he picks up some of the children's activities? Similar ish value but if he got used to you putting money into an account t to pay a bill, eg council tax it would reduce the impact of all of the essentials falling 100% on his shoulders.

There is one thing not having a joint account but how did it get to a point where you earn a decent amount but don't pay any of the household bills and just the extras?

I have tried to have this conversation with him but he is not wanting to change things. And I’m reluctant to push it as it leads to criticism of me which isn’t very nice to hear.

OP posts:
MissDeborah · 09/02/2025 18:56

I think you and he need to seek counselling
As the advert says attitudes to money form age 7

He's bullying you and using hyperbole to close off adult discussions
You have reacted by just shutting up and putting up
The resentment will kill your marriage