DH and money -How can I get through to him that young children are expensive?

[imsureiusedto]

My DH is obsessed with the idea that we are on the verge of ruin. It’s putting intolerable strain on my marriage and I keep questioning if I want to be with him at all. When I raise it things improve for a while but a few weeks later revert.

We have two children who are four and one (two in midsummer.) I think it’s since younger child was born that this narrative started appearing and it’s now seeping into everything. He is constantly complaining. I work three days a week and I earn just under £2000 (I am talking in terms of take home pay.) He works full time and he earns more than double that, but I do also have a rental property which brings me around £450 so that helps. So we obviously earn well.

After a while I decided that I just wasn’t going to talk money with DH and that I’d pay for what I needed and in effect act like I was single from a financial point of view. This sort of worked for a while but this month has been an expensive one. So yesterday we spent

DDs swimming lesson (I pay for kids swimming)
DS soft play (he can’t swim at the moment due to an ear infection but I obviously didn’t want him to miss out)

Then I took them into town. My shoes broke on Friday so I was going to get a new pair. DH gave me his card; I stupidly said yes. Bought my shoes (£30) and lunch for the kids at m and s.

Then DDs dance - I paid for.

I am absolutely fed up of it. Does he think they can’t eat or that their activities should be curtailed when we earn well?

At present you work three days a week but say you intend to reduce your hours further next year. I think this is unwise to consider the way things are between you.

Agreed

It’s a possibility and one I’ve raised before. But it’s complicated to do proportionately and DH is keen to have me continue to pay for the childcare for mortgage reasons. So here we are. Obviously when both are in school I’ll be able to put the money I now pay for nursery into the mortgage.

Why are you getting upset op? The only time I've ever said this or similar in my life ie, called myself ugly and worthless etc was when I realised I'd been taken for a fool, and I directed the anger inwards towards myself rather than at the person who was responsible.

What's really going on here? People are asking you why you have debts from maternity leave, not questioning whether it was worth it. Posters are saying you shouldn't have that debt given your joint income especially as dh earns more than double your salary. This question is important because it will help clarify what is actually going on. You might not be financially vulnerable, but you don't have clarity at the moment.

Are you on the mortgage to this house

I’m getting upset because I’ve had some fucking horrible things said on this thread that I don’t deserve.

Sometimes it’s not reasonable for a person to keep spending if they ran out of money. Random items for the kids, day to day activities and top up shops from her normal £1700 is more than enough!
OP can’t manage to get through the month on that much money now.
It’s honestly nuts that people are trying to suggest she doesn’t have enough money.

DH is keen to have me continue to pay for the childcare for mortgage reasons.

What’s the reasoning here?

I agree, I am not making fun of her by saying she is in poverty. But, in comparison to her husband she lives a different lifestyle. He spent £300 on gardening, but didn't seem too wound up about it. He just sounds selfish and stingy.

Its so he can prove he paid towards the house and she contributed £0.

You're not a fool but you do seem to be in a bit of a situation.

I'm unclear why don't you want anything from him, even hypothetically? Why do you feel so strongly you can't "take his money"?

You both said those words (or the modern equivalent) "all my worldly goods I thee endow".

He's your husband! Not a housemate.

I mean I wouldn't treat a housemate like this actually. Not if I was fond of them. If I was better off than them I'd probably buy whatever the thing was and not bring it up.

"I just know he wouldn’t go for it" - so this hasn't actually been discussed?

Yes what's that all about!

DH paying all bills etc-how much
Op -food, CC, activities-how much?

Ideally the leftovers should be equal
Can you tell us Op?

That’s not how it works though.

Does your DH know about your maternity debt?
Are you on the mortgage and you know the size and rate of the mortgage?

Questions which have been repeatedly asked and repeatedly ignored.

I just don’t want it @Phineyj . It feels tainted by now because it comes at such a high cost. Maybe that makes no sense but I’m past caring. I sound dramatic but I’m tired and want the kids in bed, it’s the last week before half term and actually being called a fool has annoyed me, mostly because I’m absolutely not. And I’m trying not to engage further with that poster.

I'm talking in context of maternity leave, not salary pay. I meant on maternity leave, he should have been helping her. I agree with you that £1,700 is more than enough. I'm saying he should have helped her and she shouldn't have got into debt. PP said he may not know about the debt, so its unsure atm.

No you don't deserve it at all. However please find your anger and direct it at solving things with your husband. He is treating you like a child. £70 for shoes and children's activities is nothing these days. £30 for shoes is beyond frugal unless from a charity shop.
How active a parent is he? How does he not know how much it costs to raise, feed, entertain kids these days.

I think posting on here has raised questions about more than finances, about your whole relationship as a whole and that's a vulnerable place to be.

I know, he's being silly tbh

I am dealing with dinner and two small children. One of whom keeps flinging herself at me. No and no. We don’t talk money.

I agree, but on maternity leave she still had decent teacher enhanced pay plus £450 a month. Maybe expenses just needed to be reduced instead of going into debt for extra soft play and coffees out.
£450 a month plus an average of the enhanced May pay should be more than enough for the odd baby item, top up shops and a few coffees and cake a week!
Going into debt for extra spending money when all the actual bills were covered is nuts.

Why wouldn't you tell him that you needed money on maternity leave? Why don't you talk about money?

I think most posters are sympathetic OP but you have quite a bit of discretionary income even if it doesn't quite cover your outgoings.

But that's a different issue to the lack of financial transparency and oversight and your DH's odd attitude.

I thought you said earlier you knew about all the bills because you have a spreadsheet that he didn’t want to look at? Now you don’t know what the mortgage is and have no interest you just “don’t talk money”.

I think k you have got in a cycle of avoidance, he's critical, you further avoid and so on.

It would really help if you gave us the actual numbers
Both salaries, fixed outgoings, monthly spends
How much debt