DH and money -How can I get through to him that young children are expensive?

[imsureiusedto]

My DH is obsessed with the idea that we are on the verge of ruin. It’s putting intolerable strain on my marriage and I keep questioning if I want to be with him at all. When I raise it things improve for a while but a few weeks later revert.

We have two children who are four and one (two in midsummer.) I think it’s since younger child was born that this narrative started appearing and it’s now seeping into everything. He is constantly complaining. I work three days a week and I earn just under £2000 (I am talking in terms of take home pay.) He works full time and he earns more than double that, but I do also have a rental property which brings me around £450 so that helps. So we obviously earn well.

After a while I decided that I just wasn’t going to talk money with DH and that I’d pay for what I needed and in effect act like I was single from a financial point of view. This sort of worked for a while but this month has been an expensive one. So yesterday we spent

DDs swimming lesson (I pay for kids swimming)
DS soft play (he can’t swim at the moment due to an ear infection but I obviously didn’t want him to miss out)

Then I took them into town. My shoes broke on Friday so I was going to get a new pair. DH gave me his card; I stupidly said yes. Bought my shoes (£30) and lunch for the kids at m and s.

Then DDs dance - I paid for.

I am absolutely fed up of it. Does he think they can’t eat or that their activities should be curtailed when we earn well?

Okay so OP is ignoring all advice and is in complete denial about the batshittery of the financial set-up in her marriage. I'm bowing out now.

Not at all Crushed. I fully accept I’m a useless ugly piece of shit who no one else would have wanted to have kids with. But I did want them and they’re here now so I’ll put up with it. Thanks.

I think you should give him a list of how things would change and the extra it would cost him if you divorced. Make it clear you’d be better off. Include everything you do that he’d have to outsource or do himself once you’d gone. Tell him his miserly ways are deeply unattractive. Ask him what his friends and family think of him being a high earner yet leaving you to get into debt simply through birthing his children. I bet he tells them that he covers all the bills & you spend your income on yourself and the children.
Keeping finances separate is ok if you each have similar fun money left. (For yourselves, not for the children. Children are joint costs even if it’s for their entertainment)
This is why most people have a joint account for expenses if not joint for everything, as that is fair.

Ask him if it’s fair that his income & bills haven’t changed since having children, yet you have to budget every month. Don’t offer a solution, just give him the facts & leave him to mull it over.

If he still considers his income all his, & can’t come up with a more fair solution, then start planning your way out.

It's sad when someone earns so well is so tight abs controlling. You should be having a lovely family life together not having to fund your own mat leave and quibble about treating the DC to a meal or snacks etc.

How do you earn £50k?

What’s the point of this thread then?

I don’t think you are a fool, far from it. You own a house outright. You are not earning 50k right now however so expenses need to be split accordingly. Open a joint account in which you both pay in for food. This should not be solely your expense. He is earning double. I wouldn’t take no for an answer. Make it a condition of staying in the marriage. Let him know you would be better off financially without him. He needs a reality check. This is financial abuse. Forcing the lower paid partner to spend all their money on bills etc. I bet he has plenty of spare/fun money. You need to find your anger.

What? Where does this come from? Is this the real issue or a joke

because you are getting angry on here - people are challenging you and you are putting up a fight

why do you have to put up with it or go? Why are they the options? You clearly do all the housework and childcare and he just earns so there is an inbalance there but actually not in terms of power

you can do something and you should

He allowed the mother of his children to go into debt on maternity leave.This is so sad. It’s beyond pathetic of him to do this.

I bet he has a brilliant pension and savings. Meanwhile, OP is in debt.

FFS she isn't in poverty. Get in the real world

I am certainly not a fool. Many things but a fool I’m not.

Anyway, this is where we are. One half of the posters on here think I’m being hopelessly taken advantage of and the other half think I’m hopelessly profligate so I guess the truth is somewhere between!

I’m glad she’s found her anger. She needs to direct it towards her husband. He shouldn’t have let the mother of his children go in debt on maternity leave, when he earns £4k a month.

He also should pay towards his kids. It’s ridiculous he doesn’t.

I bet he has a great pension and savings. Can go for promotions as he is full time.

Meanwhile, OP is in debt and works part time. She also wants to reduce her hours even further.

That's not what @Crushed23 said at all.

You haven't provided any facts about the maternity leave debt, if your husband knows about it, if you know any facts about your mortgage (as you are legally married so that is a debt of the marriage). You say you don't care what he earns, what his future earning potential is. On this thread you aren't taking much advice onboard or providing a full picture. Like @Crushed23 I don't see any point in replying further.

She’s in poverty because she got herself into debt because her partner wouldn’t support her in maternity leave. She has to “beg” her partner for money and hear snide comments.

You’re being taken advantage of. You have misdirected your anger towards us. Instead of your husband who let you get into debt on maternity leave whilst he makes £4k a month.

He refuses to pay for his kids. Yet, you’re angry at us. Not him?

He allowed the mother of his children to go into debt on maternity leave.This is so sad. It’s beyond pathetic of him to do this.

The OP has not confirmed he knows about the debt. I asked if he knew and how much the debt was but my questions were ignored.

No compared to others it isn't poverty, just a shortage of funds for a few weeks until she gets paid/rental income.

I agree with the joint account etc and what you have said about joint responsibility

I will get pissed off if you repeatedly call me a fool, yes. It isn’t helpful and it’s being insulting for the sake of it and means I’m unlikely to listen. Why would anyone pay attention to someone flinging insults about?

In which case, shouldn't OP be charged for half the mortgage, bills etc? What's good for the gander must also be good for the goose

Oh, so he doesn’t know about it? If he doesn’t then fair enough.

I said she is in poverty compared to her husband. Because she earns half to what he does and she got into debt because of maternity leave pay. There’s financial inequality in their relationship. He won’t pay for the kids. He most likely has a great pension and savings. Meanwhile she is in debt = poverty in comparison to him.

I think you find yourself having compromised in order to have children and are now realising that part of that is ending up in a marriage that is anything but a partnership

what do you want? Because martyring yourself to stay for your children isn’t helpful for them either

You’re letting him take advantage of you, plain and simple.

He treats you like a house keeper, not the mother of his kids.

You need to be more firm with him and demand 50/50.

@imsureiusedto why do you think it is ok for you to go into debt when on maternity leave and your DH not to share the financial burden?

Why do you say 'it was your choice' and that 'you would do it again'?

Genuinely, why do you think this is ok?

This is what I am saying/thinking