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Original poster

DH thinks I’m taking the piss out of him

118 replies

Mistletoez · 11/12/2024 22:08

Hi,
things aren’t good between me and DH.
a few years ago my business failed and I was in 25k of debt as if used credit cards to prop myself up. Unable to get a 0% balance transfer I asked DH to help. He was able to get enough 0% and I transferred the debt actually/ 0% transfers etc to reduce the interest. This was all done transparently and with dh’s consent. The direct debits are sid directly from my account.
I’m in a well paid full time job now and am the main earner. I’ve cleared half of the debt jn dh’s name but need to balance transfer again as my 0% rate is about to expire. I still can’t get 0% but DH can. I mentioned that I need to transfer again and he wasn’t happy, telling me that I’m taking the piss and that he “doesn’t want my shit in his name anymore”.
I know it’s not ideal but I’m upset as I support him well in other ways. My job allows me to pay a higher proportion of the bills and I sort out all of the household finances. We’re also married so I struggle with him now wanting to help. I guess I just think that he should see it as a joint issue.
I get that this debt might prevent him from taking out credit for himself, but I still think it’s not unreasonable to expect him to help me. Aibu?

OP posts:
PearlQuail · 11/12/2024 22:14

I think he is being unreasonable. Reducing the amount you are paying in interest means there is more to contribute to household expenses. You have proven that you are willing and able to gradually pay off the debt.

If he insists it is not possible then I would just work out how much extra you will have to pay due to interest and tell him you are reducing your contribution to household expenses by the same amount (as you are already paying the higher proportion).

Good luck with it 😊

Thatcastlethere · 11/12/2024 22:20

He's being unreasonable. If you don't deal with the debt it will effect both of you so it's in his interest as well to do it. You are married so legally tied together.. he can't pretend otherwise.
I'd understand his point of view if you weren't working... but the fact you are now the higher earner sbd paying more into the pot than him.. I think he's bring silly.
Hopefully he's just stressed and what he said was a knee jerk reaction.. it is stressful dealing with credit cards and he may feel under some pressure. Hopefully you can get him to realise it makes financial sense to do this and if he doesn't do it you'll both lose out.

Fizzygoo · 11/12/2024 22:23

Does he understand that interest paid comes out of your combined salaries?

you are a partnership

Hairyfairy01 · 11/12/2024 22:28

You say you are in a well paid job, the debt is a few years old yet you have only paid off half of it? Perhaps he feels you are not prioritising paying it off as much as you should be? Have you talked about it with him? Is your marriage good otherwise?

Circumferences · 11/12/2024 23:43

I'd try to be understanding because that's a lot of debt that he didn't probably "sign up for" when he married you.
It's stressful, having a business backfire, it must be stressful for both of you equally.

Financially though, it does make far more sense to have a 0% payment plan. That's obvious surely!

ViaRia01 · 11/12/2024 23:49

i suppose you could balance things up all round and start paying 50/50 for the household bills, then just transfer the debt to your own credit card and pay the interest with the extra monet you’ll have in your account. Seems like your husband hasn’t really thought about the bigger picture …

theduchessofspork · 11/12/2024 23:58

Well on the face of it he's being unhelpful, but money and especially debt is an emotive subject,

When you say things aren't good between you, do you mean in general? In which case, if he isn't sure the marriage will last, it's understandable he doesn't want the debt solely in his name.

If things are OK apart from this then I think you need to have an honest conversation and both of you be open to allow the other person to say things that may be hard to hear. He may be frustrated that you haven't cleared the debt faster, or simply owing money might be making him anxious, equally you may be frustrated that he isn't earning more. You have to talk about all of this stuff and find a compromise way forward that works for you both.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 11/12/2024 23:58

Tell him that's fine, all expenses 50/50 ... not having any more of his shit

Simplegazette · 12/12/2024 03:17

How are finances managed generally? Do you pool resources as in a partnership, or do you have separate finances and make contributions towards shared expenses, like flatmates would?

Are you coming up against an attitude created by a desire of one or both of you to keep financial matters separate in your marriage.

Cadburyscreamegg · 12/12/2024 03:23

Maybe he's looking to leave the marriage before the debt is cleared and doesn't want it in his name?
If things aren't great between you as a couple this could be his plan.
Maybe he needs to pay more into the house so you can concentrate on paying off the debt quicker.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/12/2024 03:33

When you say things aren't good between you, do you mean in general? In which case, if he isn't sure the marriage will last, it's understandable he doesn't want the debt solely in his name.

This.

GildedRage · 12/12/2024 03:45

i'm not saying he is right but i can understand him not wanting to carry your debt.
there has to be a middle ground between 0% and usual cc 23% interest rate though. i would explore other financing loan options for the entire amount and not transfer bits and pieces to his 0% card. my bank has a line of credit at 4% above prime lending rate so closer to 10%.
which although it does affect the family unit's bottom line it may be better for the family unit's peace of mind.

Edingril · 12/12/2024 03:53

So a women gets into debt and if a man doesn't wear it he is the unreasonable one?

BananaSpanner · 12/12/2024 03:54

I would hate this if I was him, I really would. I wouldn’t want someone else’s debt in my name regardless of marital status. It has massive potential to backfire if the marriage doesn’t last as long as the debt.

Get yourself the lowest interest finance you can and sort it that way.

However, what I would do if I was your DH would be see the payments as part of the household outgoings and contribute more to the house to allow you to pay the debt off faster.

Starlight7080 · 12/12/2024 04:04

Tell him to pay 50% household bills and so on from now on . And don't transfer .
It's odd he doesn't see that it benefits you both .

Monty27 · 12/12/2024 04:13

It makes economic sense to me. Don't know why he's hesitant. I'd be concerned about the trust.

Isatis · 12/12/2024 04:44

If you've only managed to clear around 12-13K in a few years despite being well paid, that's pretty slow. It suggests you're paying less than £200 a month towards the debt. I can see why he feels that's too long. Can you make a big effort and cut back on everything except necessities so you can clear the balance much more quickly?

Petrasings · 12/12/2024 05:25

The issue here is that he does not see you as a team. This was always his debt as well. As a married couple you split assets and debts 50/50.

Has he always been this unsupportive? Or is this a new development? If it’s new, then I would be concerned he was looking to split or has a lack of confidence in your relationship in the longer term.

Reduce your household contribution to 50% each, and pay it off sooner op. Stop paying more just because you earn more. In this scenario it’s better to pay down the debt faster and clear it.

You need a deeper conversation about your relationship.

Petrasings · 12/12/2024 05:30

It’s so important to recognise that you did not accrue this debt by frivolous spending, but rather a business venture that was intended to benefit your family. You have done very well finding such a good job since, does he give you credit for that?

recyclingisaPITA · 12/12/2024 05:44

Id be suspecting he wants out of the marriage and is waiting until the debt is paid off or at least in your name, to do so. That comment from him doesn't make sense under any other circumstances.

recyclingisaPITA · 12/12/2024 05:52

Edingril · 12/12/2024 03:53

So a women gets into debt and if a man doesn't wear it he is the unreasonable one?

If he felt that way he should have divorced her when the business failed. Not agreed to put the debt into his name. It's too late to change his mind about it now. It's already in his name!

I'd also assume in the above circumstances he was unaware she was accruing debt to keep the business going. Otherwise if he was on board with her accruing debt to try to try to save the business then, since they're married, it really is his debt as much as hers.

If they plan to remain married it makes sense for the debt to be zero interest, they're a team and financially tied, so it benefits both of them to pay less interest and get it paid off quicker.

RedHelenB · 12/12/2024 05:55

I agree with dh. You split up and that debt is in his name.

autumn1610 · 12/12/2024 05:58

I totally disagree with the majority on here. I think you’re being unreasonable , yes make adjustments to what you contribute but you should not make him feel pressure to take on your debt. Thing is even if it goes onto interest it’s still currently in his name, so you or him will still need to cover it, unless you take it back.

  1. I took on my partners debt and it doesn’t feel nice at all, yeah they cleared it in the end but it’s an uncomfortable feeling and was a lot less than yours. It puts a pressure on the relationship dynamics from my point of view and it does impact your credit score.
  2. I’m pretty sure if I had posted saying my partner wants me to take on his debt on mn I would have been told me he was being a dick, it’s his money and I should ltb.
betterangels · 12/12/2024 05:59

Isatis · 12/12/2024 04:44

If you've only managed to clear around 12-13K in a few years despite being well paid, that's pretty slow. It suggests you're paying less than £200 a month towards the debt. I can see why he feels that's too long. Can you make a big effort and cut back on everything except necessities so you can clear the balance much more quickly?

Yeah, that's probably how he feels, and I would, too.

Things aren't going well. He doesn't want more of your debt in his name.

CheeseTime · 12/12/2024 06:08

Are you able to take out a loan to pay off all the cards?
Needs a bit more context really to understand your respective positions. Was the business a sensible venture? Are you prioritising paying off the debts?
He’s protecting himself and you need to as well. Get them paid off yourself by reducing all extra spending and contributions to the household. You’re both better off financially being together so now is the time.