DH thinks I’m taking the piss out of him

[Mistletoez]

Hi,
things aren’t good between me and DH.
a few years ago my business failed and I was in 25k of debt as if used credit cards to prop myself up. Unable to get a 0% balance transfer I asked DH to help. He was able to get enough 0% and I transferred the debt actually/ 0% transfers etc to reduce the interest. This was all done transparently and with dh’s consent. The direct debits are sid directly from my account.
I’m in a well paid full time job now and am the main earner. I’ve cleared half of the debt jn dh’s name but need to balance transfer again as my 0% rate is about to expire. I still can’t get 0% but DH can. I mentioned that I need to transfer again and he wasn’t happy, telling me that I’m taking the piss and that he “doesn’t want my shit in his name anymore”.
I know it’s not ideal but I’m upset as I support him well in other ways. My job allows me to pay a higher proportion of the bills and I sort out all of the household finances. We’re also married so I struggle with him now wanting to help. I guess I just think that he should see it as a joint issue.
I get that this debt might prevent him from taking out credit for himself, but I still think it’s not unreasonable to expect him to help me. Aibu?

Fair would be 50/50 they both live there equally then she can pay her debt off, not her problem he earns less than her!

he's creating this drama, not her, she's under no obligation to sub his living expenses.

Equally, he isn't obligated to put her business debt in his name so she can save on interest.

If he wants you to take on his debt, fine. But you stop taking out his cars on yours and he needs to go in at least 50/50 to pay the bills.

@Mistletoez has he ever been the higher earner and if so were the bills 50/50? If so, then there is a problem with you being treated unfairly. However, if he ever paid more then your current situation on bills seems fair and its more understandable that he doesn't want your debt in his name. Especially given its debt you didn't have to rack up, you could have shut your business down sooner so he probably resents that.

He is being unreasonable. You do need to work as a team as you are married and so assets are shared. If he doesn’t have the debt in his name, then overall costs faced by the team will increase.

Anyway. I can’t really see why he is upset about this at this point. The debt is already in his name. It just needs transferring to a different company to get the zero %.

If he won’t have another zero % in his name, then he will have to pay 50% of the bills. Have you got parents who might help you? Either by clearing part of the debt or taking out a 0% credit card in their name? Even if they did this, you need to get the bills to 50:50 to enable you to pay the debt down more quickly.

his change in attitude is concerning. He isn’t really saddled with the debt as you are paying it.

I disagree with your assessment that it's an 'us' problem in your marriage- unless your DH was involved in and knew at the time you were running up such a massive debt. You were irresponsible and caused the debt, from what I gather, not both of you. It's great that you've managed to pay off what you have, but I also understand he doesn't appreciate the assumed faff on his part to yet again move this debt because you still have crap credit score and can't take it back. I also don't agree with you that is a joint problem/ issue- it's yours. However I would also let him know that if you aren't able to get another 0% then you may have to lower the family co tribulation in order to be able to pay interest and debt down at the rate you are now. How long until you pay off your debt?

Of course it’s a joint issue, they are MARRIED!!

She didn’t just start a business without a discussion, they will have both agreed to give it a shot.

Seriously I can only assume you are young and haven’t been married, because legally and in all ways as a married couple her debts are very much his debts, legally, as well as the assets. That’s how a legally binding marriage works, and it is very much us and not a me scenario for most couples. Most couples would support each other through this, hell there are many harder times coming later in life than a bit of debt, he seems to have fallen at the first hurdle.

You have my sympathy op. He has let you down.

Seriously I can only assume you are young and haven’t been married, because legally and in all ways as a married couple her debts are very much his debts, legally, as well as the assets. That’s how a legally binding marriage works, and it is very much us and not a me scenario for most couples. Most couples would support each other through this, hell there are many harder times coming later in life than a bit of debt, he seems to have fallen at the first hurdle.

^ there is no way I'd tell my adult daughter to take her husband's debt on for a second time if she were thinking about ending the marriage. Of course legally they're a partnership and finances will be considered jointly in the event of divorce, but a lot can and does happen to change what gets signed off eventually on a financial order.

@Isthisexpected but then the issue is not the debt (that is shared anyway - if the get divorced).
Its whatever else is going on in their marriage that makes him (or your dd) think about ending the marriage.
Even more so when the OP thinks everything is fine bar this specific issue.

It doesn’t matter what you think. It’s absolutely standard for all finances assets and debts to be split 50/50. It’s irrelevant whether you agree or not, that is the legal position.

Actually marital debts and assets are formed by a couple goung through the divorce process they exist legally in a different way at the point of divorce to during the relationship. A judge may say a debt or asset is considered to be a joint marital debt/asset, but they also may not. During marriage the person who's name is on the debt is the person the debt belongs too. He has actually allowed the debt to become his debt, I don't know if there's a way to undo that now , unless is OP. Assets in a singular names also belong to the person who's name is on them. During a marriage your DH/DW can sell assets without discussion and legally give away the money. Just like OP couldn't run up debt without speaking to her husband about it. There are sometimes ways to protect these assets

Nope. At the point of divorce - unless the Judge awards costs or a higher percentage - in the U.K - the basis is 50/50 split of any debts or assets. It is considered joint marital debt. It doesn’t matter whose name it is in. The Judge will assess a debt formed by a business trying to provide for the rest of the family of course that is not extravagance. It is a joint venture in business.
The Judge will divide the debts and assets accordingly.

Have you considered that by carrying this debt it is adversely impacting his ability to extend his credit / utilise his credit cards ? Carrying debt on a credit card while solving one issue may be causing another ?

It's important that both of you understand the full impact of and acknowledge the adverse impacts it may be having- I.e. for you, your credit history has been wiped of a £25k debt - all good and supports you getting new car finance etc. Your DH suddenly increased his credit by £25k and while there is a repayment history there - good - the debt relatively is still high so having an adverse impact and if he moves it again it will reflect negatively on his credit score as it will be an new credit card application - so it isn't as simple as just move it.

You both need to have a proper conversation and understand the impacts of both the current situation and possible solutions. An acknowledgement of this will I'm sure help come to an agreed way forward with your DH, rather than effectively telling him just to do a 0% transfer.

Meant to say could run up debt. I said marital assets and debts exist at the point of divorce not otherwise. I didnt say a judge wouldn't consider it marital debt. Just that sometimes they don't include everything to cover all possibilities. The main point is during the marriage debt and assets are owed/onwed by the person with their name on them. People act like it's always marital debt or marital assets but they are legally marital debts or martial assets only during a divorce, otherwise they belong to the person with their name on them.

So the lower earning partner has been forced to take on debt once, and is now being pressured for a second time, the lower earning partner is being gaslit that his is beneficial to them, the OP is unable to get a card or loan at a decent rate, yet can somehow splash out on car finance, but can only make small token card payments each month, and posters are suggesting the lower earning partner is further punished by suggesting bills should be 50/50 rather than proportional.

A significant number of people who are pro-financial abuse are out in force tonight.

He probably isn’t talking about ending the relationship as he is so saddled with debt he has been trapped and can’t afford to do anything else.

This is a really unfair summary. He’s not being forced to do anything. I will be disappointed if he’s not willing to help however ultimately it’s his choice.

our car is through a salary sacrifice Scheme from my work which I fund directly from my salary. I pay 70% of our living costs and try to be as fair as possible based on our salary differences.

the business was something that we bits agreed to and hit a period it massively enhanced both of our lives. Yes, it was my business but I sacrificed a secure full time job to try and make a better life for my family, it hasn’t worked out but it was never ever a vanity project.

I m not a financial abuser. To suggest that makes me think that you don’t understand stat financial advise really is. I just want my husband to help fix a situation as cheaply as possible.

I’m not making small token payments either. I’m currently paying the minimum plus an additional £400.

Your post has really upset me this morning,

Have you looked at taking out a loan in your name? For the £12k you have left over 3 years, a 6.1% loan would give you payments around £400p/m and add about £1200 to your debt. You're already paying more so play with loan term to see what closest matches it. Shorter term, 30 months would reduce the additional debt to under £1k.
Maybe your DH just needs to see you have looked at other options first and discussed the payment terms with him rather than expect him to just take out another credit card.

I would have a chat with him and tell him you hear what he’s saying. Then ask him which would be the best option in his pov:

1. You take a loan with interest and pay off double the current amount (or whatever it is to bring in line with you both contributing 50% to the household). That you are prioritising the debt as it isn’t interest free and can no longer cover the additional 20% you are currently paying, which you’ve been giving with an open heart to ensure you both have the same amount of disposable income.
   And show him some examples.

2. He continues with the 0% card in his name and you increase your payments and reduce household expenditure. For example by something like £170 and agree to pay it off in around 20 months time. That you hear he wants the debt cleared faster and this is how it can be achieved. However, as for option 1, there will be a shortfall in expenditure, which you can no longer cover.

3. He takes another 0% card and you continue with the current status quo meaning that the debt will be cleared in around 30 months time.