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Original poster

DH thinks I’m taking the piss out of him

118 replies

Mistletoez · 11/12/2024 22:08

Hi,
things aren’t good between me and DH.
a few years ago my business failed and I was in 25k of debt as if used credit cards to prop myself up. Unable to get a 0% balance transfer I asked DH to help. He was able to get enough 0% and I transferred the debt actually/ 0% transfers etc to reduce the interest. This was all done transparently and with dh’s consent. The direct debits are sid directly from my account.
I’m in a well paid full time job now and am the main earner. I’ve cleared half of the debt jn dh’s name but need to balance transfer again as my 0% rate is about to expire. I still can’t get 0% but DH can. I mentioned that I need to transfer again and he wasn’t happy, telling me that I’m taking the piss and that he “doesn’t want my shit in his name anymore”.
I know it’s not ideal but I’m upset as I support him well in other ways. My job allows me to pay a higher proportion of the bills and I sort out all of the household finances. We’re also married so I struggle with him now wanting to help. I guess I just think that he should see it as a joint issue.
I get that this debt might prevent him from taking out credit for himself, but I still think it’s not unreasonable to expect him to help me. Aibu?

OP posts:
Edingril · 12/12/2024 06:10

recyclingisaPITA · 12/12/2024 05:52

If he felt that way he should have divorced her when the business failed. Not agreed to put the debt into his name. It's too late to change his mind about it now. It's already in his name!

I'd also assume in the above circumstances he was unaware she was accruing debt to keep the business going. Otherwise if he was on board with her accruing debt to try to try to save the business then, since they're married, it really is his debt as much as hers.

If they plan to remain married it makes sense for the debt to be zero interest, they're a team and financially tied, so it benefits both of them to pay less interest and get it paid off quicker.

Show quote history

So when a man gets into debt it is his debt and there is red flags and she should leave

When a women gets into debt it is shared debt and it makes financial sense for him to rescue her

OK got it

MayaPinion · 12/12/2024 06:11

Edingril · 12/12/2024 03:53

So a women gets into debt and if a man doesn't wear it he is the unreasonable one?

You’re missing the part where she’s already paying most of the bills. OP, can you get a bank loan to cover the debt and go 50/50 on bills with your DH? That will free up money to enable you to pay it off more quickly.

ttcat37 · 12/12/2024 06:11

YABU for asking him to take on your debt. Using ‘being the breadwinner’ as leverage to make him do this is not fair.

MadamDicey · 12/12/2024 06:17

I understand your point , but if im honest, I wouldn't ask my husband to take on my debt in the first place . For whatever reason, your business failed, and you racked up debt it was your business, not his.
But i would reduce household payments to 50/50 to cover extra payment towards debt .

2thumbs · 12/12/2024 06:23

Reading the OP as written, it looks as if you told him that you needed to transfer your debt to him, rather than asking. That would rub me up the wrong way - setting aside the fact that you should be a team, taking on that level of debt is not insignificant, and it shouldn’t have been assumed

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 12/12/2024 06:24

If I was him then...I'd have been considering divorce and possibly would have when you came clean as you were wildly irresponsible.

If i were you now...
I'd say "Thats fine. The interest on the new loan means i will only contribute to 50% of living expenses. Your share will be X not Y from next month."

He chose to stay with you. You are allegedly a team. not leveraging his credit rating to benefit the unit is economically stupid so I'd let him feel some of that "pain"

Collette78 · 12/12/2024 06:26

autumn1610 · 12/12/2024 05:58

I totally disagree with the majority on here. I think you’re being unreasonable , yes make adjustments to what you contribute but you should not make him feel pressure to take on your debt. Thing is even if it goes onto interest it’s still currently in his name, so you or him will still need to cover it, unless you take it back.

  1. I took on my partners debt and it doesn’t feel nice at all, yeah they cleared it in the end but it’s an uncomfortable feeling and was a lot less than yours. It puts a pressure on the relationship dynamics from my point of view and it does impact your credit score.
  2. I’m pretty sure if I had posted saying my partner wants me to take on his debt on mn I would have been told me he was being a dick, it’s his money and I should ltb.

I agree with this.

He was reasonable taking the debt into his name in the first place, but to keep asking him to apply for different / shuffle it around is a bit much and putting him under pressure.

If there are relationship issues he’s probably worried you might split and he will be left to pay off the rest.

I think you are being unreasonable.

CrazyGoatLady · 12/12/2024 06:26

He helped out when the debt was less manageable and now probably feels like he's done his bit. I can understand him not wanting to carry the debt long term for someone else, especially if things are rocky, he thinks you might split up and then he would be left with it and it would affect his credit rating, which might affect him being able to buy a house etc in his own right if needed.

If he's not willing to help, he will need to accept that you'll have to make more payments towards the debt to cover interest as well as capital and will have to split household bills more equally. But he may well prefer that if your marriage isn't in the best place.

stayathomer · 12/12/2024 06:29

The fact that you had to ask him for help and you both didn’t wade in together- I’m torn between how much of a business should consist of the usual being a team thing a marriage is supposed to mean because I suppose mn has told me differently- I always thought two people should both just be in it together. No help but I hope it all works out for you and sorry it’s happening x

TTPDTS · 12/12/2024 06:32

He's already done it once and carried that debt in his name for several years - you should have paid it off by now. You shouldn't have only paid half off in several years!

Paying a higher proportion of bills relative to salary shouldn't suddenly be a stick to beat him with - especially as it sounds like you were unmarried at the time he did the first 0% for you, which was really risky for him!

It is a joint issue - but the resolution is a joint decision, not just him having to suck it up and (again) sort it out for you as your credit won't allow you to. It's not unreasonable to expect help but it is unreasonable to expect him to do the same thing he did last time, with no discussion, when you haven't prioritised clearing the debt.

recyclingisaPITA · 12/12/2024 06:35

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Original poster
Mistletoez · 12/12/2024 06:54

TTPDTS · 12/12/2024 06:32

He's already done it once and carried that debt in his name for several years - you should have paid it off by now. You shouldn't have only paid half off in several years!

Paying a higher proportion of bills relative to salary shouldn't suddenly be a stick to beat him with - especially as it sounds like you were unmarried at the time he did the first 0% for you, which was really risky for him!

It is a joint issue - but the resolution is a joint decision, not just him having to suck it up and (again) sort it out for you as your credit won't allow you to. It's not unreasonable to expect help but it is unreasonable to expect him to do the same thing he did last time, with no discussion, when you haven't prioritised clearing the debt.

We were always married? I just think that he should see it as ‘our’ problem and not something that he’s just helping with

OP posts:
needsomewarmsunshine · 12/12/2024 06:55

Repayment seems too slow, I wouldn't do it either in his shoes, esp. if I was looking to leave. Obviously we don't know that in your case if there are other factors in olay because we only get one side of the story.

FiftyPenceWorth · 12/12/2024 06:59

I'd be asking him why he doesn't want to help when it's in both your interests to keep the repayments low. Maybe he thinks you should have paid off more/all of the debt by now? Would it help if you told him you'd increase the monthly payments to clear the debt quicker?

MammmaG · 12/12/2024 07:00

How much are we talking? It’s a very different picture if you have transferred £5,000 debt to him or £100,000.

Either way, I don’t blame him. He’s already done this once for you. If you need to reduce what you pay into the household pot to clear it, then do that but don’t expect him to be tied to a debt that he didn’t create.

BilboBlaggin · 12/12/2024 07:04

If he absolutely refuses then I'd look at getting a low interest loan to deal with the remainder, rather than put it on another credit card. For example, if you're a Clubcard holder you can get a Tesco loan for 6.1% on balances up to £25k, though there may well be better deals around.

BilboBlaggin · 12/12/2024 07:06

MammmaG · 12/12/2024 07:00

How much are we talking? It’s a very different picture if you have transferred £5,000 debt to him or £100,000.

Either way, I don’t blame him. He’s already done this once for you. If you need to reduce what you pay into the household pot to clear it, then do that but don’t expect him to be tied to a debt that he didn’t create.

It says right in the OP that the debt was 25k and she's paid off approx half.

Frostingle · 12/12/2024 07:13

YABU, £300 a month for 5 years would have cleared £18k, in a well paid job that should have been the absolute minimum you aimed to pay every month and priority when it's not your credit rating affected.
What you are proposing to pay, more than what you are paying now, and how long it will take to clear the balance if he is generous to allow you to transfer it to another card in his name should be how you approach it not expect him to just do it and carry the debt for another several years. Or take out the lowest rates you can get and let the interest motivate faster payments.

MadamDicey · 12/12/2024 07:28

What role did your partner have in your business?

Cooriedoon · 12/12/2024 07:33

No chance I'd allow anyone, married or otherwise to transfer personal debt into my name. If you had posted that your DH had a failed business and kept asking to transfer all of his debt into your name whilst your marriage isn't in a great place what do you think the responses would be?

whatnow5 · 12/12/2024 07:45

I’m with him. If he posted asking for advice I’d be telling him to run!

RoachFish · 12/12/2024 07:48

I would worry what it would do to my credit rating above all else. Especially if the relationship isn't good and I'm likely to take on another mortgage/loans to be able to move on. To have only paid off £12-13K in 5 years is worrying too. I think £5K/year would have been absolute minimum and you would have been debt free by now. Are you prioritising the debt over everything else (holidays/Christmas presents/gym memberships/cars)? It's easy not to when the debt isn't in your name anymore.

Snorlaxo · 12/12/2024 07:49

I think it’s linked to the not getting on angle.

You could divorce him and saddle him with the debt.

Taking out the new card might make him feel depressed/annoyed as he can’t split with you until you’ve paid it off and that kind of pressure could lead you to get along even less because he feels trapped. If you don’t get along then he may be paranoid about being left with the debt.

If you paid 50% of household costs, could you pay off the card before the term ends? Do you think he’s judging you with regards to how much you pay off each month ? Ie he thinks that you should pay more towards your debt?

Nc546888 · 12/12/2024 07:50

Debt should be in your name. Reduce your household contribution so it’s 50:50 and then whack that debt down

buttonousmaximous · 12/12/2024 07:51

I'd take out your own credit card or loan and solve it yourself. Just pay less into the bills to cover the interest.

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