DH thinks I’m taking the piss out of him

[Mistletoez]

Hi,
things aren’t good between me and DH.
a few years ago my business failed and I was in 25k of debt as if used credit cards to prop myself up. Unable to get a 0% balance transfer I asked DH to help. He was able to get enough 0% and I transferred the debt actually/ 0% transfers etc to reduce the interest. This was all done transparently and with dh’s consent. The direct debits are sid directly from my account.
I’m in a well paid full time job now and am the main earner. I’ve cleared half of the debt jn dh’s name but need to balance transfer again as my 0% rate is about to expire. I still can’t get 0% but DH can. I mentioned that I need to transfer again and he wasn’t happy, telling me that I’m taking the piss and that he “doesn’t want my shit in his name anymore”.
I know it’s not ideal but I’m upset as I support him well in other ways. My job allows me to pay a higher proportion of the bills and I sort out all of the household finances. We’re also married so I struggle with him now wanting to help. I guess I just think that he should see it as a joint issue.
I get that this debt might prevent him from taking out credit for himself, but I still think it’s not unreasonable to expect him to help me. Aibu?

@Mistletoez Tell DH your debt is a priority so from now on 50/50 on all expenses so you can use the rest to pay off your debt. Maybe this will get him thinking..

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to ask on the basis that you're married and therefore a team but nor do I think that it's unreasonable for him to refuse. This comes down to financial philosophy and it's deeply personal and not necessarily reflective of your commitment to the relationship.

DH and I have a mix of joint accounts and separate accounts. We basically approach our family as one economic unit in principle but also think it's important to have financial independence (we were both ripped off royally by previous partners). We'll both quite often pick up the bill (even if a couple of thousand) for the other if one is short and the purchase benefits the household. It averages out over time. However, neither one if us would dream of asking the other to take on a £13k debt solely in their name if it was an independent debt. However, if it was a debt that built up while together due to COL we'd consider it a joint debt anyway.

One thing to be mindful of though is that it pays for one of you to maintain an excellent credit rating in case of emergency. Is there a risk to his if he does this?

But not quickly enough if you keep having to move it from one credit account to another repeatedly? You need to suck up interest and get a loan.

Your husband can continue to support you by ensuring he does not get into any additional debt and by contributing his fair share to joint expenses. He is under no legal or moral obligation to put your debt into his name.

It was 25k though so it was never going to be a quick fix

@Mistletoez id sit down and do the sums. What will life look like for the next 2 years if he doesn’t help with a 0% card and what will it look like if he does.

what will it mean for how much money you can put towards bills etc.

will it mean his share of costs towards household expenses goes up?

paint the picture with facts and figures.

he doesn’t have to help - but it would be nice if he did and this is what it would enable you as a family to do…

I agree with this. What if you ask him a third time, should he just do it then, too? There has to be a line. You earn more now so get the loan.

If it's on zero interest and you're a high earner that seems slow. You are asking a lot of him, many people wouldn't be comfortable with this. It's been asked before but not answered, did you ask for his input and discuss options or just tell him he needed to sort it and get new 0% cards to transfer the debt? Have you asked him what exactly his concerns are and if there's ways to mitigate them?

It's all well and good talking about joint marital debt, but legally if you refused to pay the only way he can make you responsible for this debt now would be in a divorce with a judge ruling that. Meanwhile it would be his credit rating taking the battering and his future credit options disappearing. Marital debts and marital assets exist in relation to the dissolution of a marriage, outside a divorce court the debts are the legal responsibility of the person with their name on them just as the assets belong to the person with their name on them.

Can you clear it in the next year or so if you really focused, sacrificed holidays, took on some extra work etc? If you tell him that this will be the last transfer and show a plan of how it will be paid he may be happier about doing it.

If you're a high earner £400 a month towards considerable debt, sounds low. It affects his credit rating and his capacity to take any credit if his own should he want to. If you carry on paying at the same rate it'll be at least another 2.5 years where your debt is restricting him. You need to work out a plan where if he agrees to continue holding the debt you increase the rate you pay it back.

But it’s not about ‘him’ or ‘me’, it’s about ‘us’. This is my issue. For example, our last few cars have been financed in my name. It’s our car, not mine. I’ve always thought if us as a team.

This must really hurt op. You are one part of a team and have just realised the other side of that team doesn’t exist. When you are in trouble, need help and support he is nowhere to be seen. Despite being happy to pay reduced bills because you are the main breadwinner, and allowing you to take out huge financial commitments for family cars etc.

This would be a dealbreaker for me. You are either married and working together or you are not. Has he checked out in other ways?

But it wasn't 'us' who accrued 25k of debt it was you on your business that failed, decisions you took to prop up a failing business with credit cards. He's already essentially given you his credit capacity and rating for 3 years, why haven't you made bigger strides to clear it if you're a high earner? That's the element that seems piss taking to me, he was open to it, but it's now three years on, how long will it be in total?

Maybe because op is paying the lion-share of the bills? Of which I sincerely hope she stops today. Clearly she can clear it much faster that way.

Why can’t you get 0% OP? A business failing shouldn’t affect your personal credit score at all. What else is going on?

There must be way way way more to this
a few paragraphs from one person’s view is will naturally make DH look a twat

i was more understanding of your DH before i saw this update. it seems that you go over and above financially for your family and you see it as a team, and although its not nice for your DH having debt in his name he should do it given how much you have done and continue to do for the family.

Even if she was a sole trader? Though she'd still need to have defaulted or missed payments I'd think.

Did you miss repayments early on OP? Did you discuss with him the fact you were running up debt in your name? It would be different if it was a limited company rather than something that effected him personally. It's a lot to ask.

Legally you still own the asset, his is pure debt without any gain or benefit. How can you get car finance but not 0% credit cards?

So the issue really is the fact you dint see ‘marriage’ quite in the same way.

I know you said that, apart from that, your marriage is ok.
Im going to say that, if he used to see marriage as a partnership, as ‘us’ rather than ‘you & him’, but now has an issue with it, then I’d take it as a symptom that things are not that rozy in his pov. Not just around the CC.

You need to talk to him and see why he is feeling like this. Why he feels like you’re taking advantage of him. You need to get curious and understand what’s going in underneath it.
Because let’s be honest, the issue can easily be sorted by you taking a CC at the lowest rate (but not 0%) and paying more interest.
That wouldn’t help you understand what’s driving your dh reaction.

Then he should be paying half the bills, then she can use the extra money on paying off the debt. Instead he's happy to have her subbing him & whinge about the debt. He's as thick as mince.

It’s both of your debt seeing as you’re married so it doesn’t really matter I think.. the only query would be how to tackle it the cheapest way possible for the household (ie both of you). Unless he wants to leave the marriage. He sounds angry - why?? What’s the issue here. I suspect it’s not just the debt.

He pays his fair share of the bills. They split them proportionately by income, which means OP still has the greater amount of money left over than he would.

Her debt isn’t his problem as it sounds like she ran it up. It wasn’t a consequence of joint expenses.

They pay proportionally according to income, which is advised here for women time and time again when they are the lower earner. He doesn't sound thick. He sounds fed up.

The car finance was a dripfeed, but then he did take on the business debt in his name once already.

this is a bit harsh. you've got no idea what conversations they had about their financial set up, and whether any agreements they made have been stuck to. Several people have asked OP but she hasn't answered.

Perhaps when he agreed to take out the original 0% loan OP said or gave the impression that it all/more of it would be paid off by the time it came to an end.

Perhaps he has now thought about it and decided he would prefer to cover more of the household expenses, or that they should both try and drastically cut down on expenditure so OP can put more towards the debt.

Perhaps he just wants to discuss their options rather than OP unilaterally deciding the debt she accrued is now a joint expense that he is obligated to put in his name without any discussion or gratitude?

At the end of the day, even if he earns less than her, if they weren't together there is no way OP would have paid off as much of the debt as she has - both because she wouldn't have got the 0% deal (apparently, although as pp's have pointed out it's odd she can get car finance credit in that case), and because she would have been running a whole household on her own, which is still far more expensive than sharing expenses with someone else, even if it isn't split 50/50.

We don't know the details because OP hasn't specified, and the DH hasn't had the opportunity to put his side across at all.

But it is about you it was a business you set up . Was your husband involved in the business? Did you talk to your husband about racking up debt supporting a failing business? Did he agree that taking out credit cards was the right thing to do ? Has he ben involved in the business from the beginning and not just when you needed his credit rating ?