DH thinks I’m taking the piss out of him

[Mistletoez]

Hi,
things aren’t good between me and DH.
a few years ago my business failed and I was in 25k of debt as if used credit cards to prop myself up. Unable to get a 0% balance transfer I asked DH to help. He was able to get enough 0% and I transferred the debt actually/ 0% transfers etc to reduce the interest. This was all done transparently and with dh’s consent. The direct debits are sid directly from my account.
I’m in a well paid full time job now and am the main earner. I’ve cleared half of the debt jn dh’s name but need to balance transfer again as my 0% rate is about to expire. I still can’t get 0% but DH can. I mentioned that I need to transfer again and he wasn’t happy, telling me that I’m taking the piss and that he “doesn’t want my shit in his name anymore”.
I know it’s not ideal but I’m upset as I support him well in other ways. My job allows me to pay a higher proportion of the bills and I sort out all of the household finances. We’re also married so I struggle with him now wanting to help. I guess I just think that he should see it as a joint issue.
I get that this debt might prevent him from taking out credit for himself, but I still think it’s not unreasonable to expect him to help me. Aibu?

You are paying the debt so absolutely not taking the piss unless you were not paying or running up more debt elsewhere.

Surprised he doesnt want to help. I would be really disappointed.

A higher earning partner trying to make the lower earning partners have debt in their name does just feels a bit icky. I wouldn’t do it.

What about the context though? He may have been happy to have done it at first but now the marriage is struggling he's also thinking that it's taking a long time to pay off and doesn't want it in his name if they divorce. I think it's fair enough to be cautious. I would tell my daughter not to take on anyone else's debt of this size for this long too.

I think he's being petty. If your business had been successful then he would have benefited from it in terms of a better lifestyle. It didn't. You're married. He should be be doing "for richer for poorer".
You need to make a multi pronged attack on how to repay the debt.

1. Maximise income
2. Reduce outgoings
3. Service the debt.

Have you tried to get a 0% balance transfer for part of the remaining balance insteadofallof it?

There's also this.

I would pay the same proportion of bills as each other and you concentrate paying the debt off.

If he won't let you move it onto another 0% ccard, surely the debt will just stay on the card you currently have in his name anyway so what's the difference to him. Surely he is not daft enough to let you keep it as is but start paying interest?

Personally, I feel he is either jealous that you are now the higher earner and he is being unreasonable. Or, he has other debts and may not pass a credit check for another c/card and hes trying to put you off applying.

You're supposed to be a team. If I were in this position, my DH wouldn't hesitate to assist, and the same would be true if the positions were reversed. YANBU OP, this would make me very sad about my marriage.

Personally, I feel he is either jealous that you are now the higher earner and he is being unreasonable. Or, he has other debts and may not pass a credit check for another c/card and hes trying to put you off applying.

Yes, because he must be the problem. He's in a marriage that isn’t going well, and already took on the debt once. Absolutely no one would be saying to a woman that she should be taking on her husband's debt in a failing marriage.

Going against the grain here, but I agree with him.

You are using him as a backstop credit source for your own mismanaged finances and using up his 0% credit capacity. This impacts his credit rating/goes on his file and tells a narrative to future lenders that he is not a good risk. It also limits his ability to take out credit for things he may need (a new car at some point, or an unexpected crisis).

If you have a good job now, you are perfectly able to obtain a personal loan to repay these amounts yourself. It is not his marital obligation to underwrite your debt or to facilitate interest free credit - the clue to this is that this debt would be in HIS name, and not a joint named facility. Take out a loan, settle that debt yourself, and stop trying to financially coerce him into taking on your debt.

This is MN, if the sexes were reversed the PPs here would all be saying you are a CF and to run a mile because of the risk to the lower earning spouse. Am staggered that anyone is arguing it’s a joint marital debt. It’s not.

This.

I agree with this. I can also see how for OP it makes financial sense if she has poor credit, but for the DH it doesn't. She's asking him to take on all the risk. If she lost her higher earning job tomorrow he would be responsible for that debt, and it would impact his credit rating if he couldn't pay it because the higher earner is out of work.

It's not quite as simple as "we're married so everything should be shared" when it comes to debt, because it doesn't always impact the couple equally.

It depends on so many things. Was the business a genuinely successful business that failed in e.g Covid, or was it a vanity project? Was it failing for quite a while and he was asking you to give it up? I guess 25k debt is at least a years living costs, was the writing on the wall before this?

This would probably sound harsh.
But I would do the same if my marriage wasn’t doing well. Because there is no way I’d want to end responsible for repaying CC that weren’t mines iyswim (even though the amount of dent will actually be split 50/50, it’s unlikely he’d have £12k in cash to repay it straight away of that makes sense).
Plus of course, this would have an impact on my own CC score, which is an issue when you get divorced and might need them as emergency funds/to get a mortgage transferred to your name or get a new one.

On the other side, I would have expected you to take step to improve your CC score. By taking a CC, spending a little each month on it and then repaying it full each month at the very least.

So yes, I think it’s an unreasonable position in a marriage but not surprising if things aren’t good,

Ho guys, thanks for the replies. To add some context, aside from this issue our marriage is a happy one. Things aren’t great right now due to this. Neither of us have mentioned splitting. I certainly don’t want to.

I just think that we need to tackle this together

You need to pay it off faster. If DH is unwilling to accept more of your debt then you both need to find ways of reducing household spending so you can increase your repayments.
Not fair to unilaterally decide how you are dealing with this and expecting him to just accept it. If you are a team you need to listen to his concerns, it cuts both ways.
How aware was your DH of your business decisions and how much say did he have?

If you're a high earner now and paying a higher share of the bills , couldn't you have overpaid the cards ?

Surely he can see 0% interest is going to get the debt paid off quicker. You’ve said you’re happy in the marriage but is he?

I am overpaying. I’ve cleared 13k in 30 months, on top of all other living expenses

I'd say 'no problem I'll take it in my name but then the payments will be higher so I'll only be able to contribute my half to the household bills until it's paid off as I really need to prioritise wiping the debt'

He is maybe thinking that if things aren't good and the marriage doesn't last he obviously doesn't want your debt in his name.

But it isn't his problem and it is something he is just helping with!

Sorry but this comes across as really arrogant, saying how he should think and feel. He's entitled to his own views.

I understand what you're saying in that overall the household income/outgoings is a shared responsibility.

But at the end of the day it isn't his debt, he didn't acrue it, you did.

Practically and logistically of course it would make sense to renew the 0%

Emotionally I can see why he resents it, and if you've come at it in a "I need to renew the debt so what are your details" assumed way rather than asking him what he thinks the best way forward is now the first deal has come to an end and if he agrees being very grateful and acknowledging he is doing you a massive favour.

Perhaps he would prefer to not have the debt in his name and you pay less towards the household costs. Have you ever asked him? What was the original deal when you took out the 0% loans originally, you must have known when they'd come to an end, did you ever discuss how much you'd hoped to have paid off by then and what would happen after?

I can see why he's annoyed if you're thinking of it as a done deal rather than something you are lucky to have the option to consider thanks to him.

Does he actually need to use his available credit for anything or is he just being petty?

It's an advantage for him for improving his credit score in the long run.

And he's cutting off his nose to spite his face because all that will happen is it will take you longer to pay off so more of "his" money will need to go to other expenses and your family, so it costs him either way.

I have been on your DH side and unfortunately would have to agree with him.

I took on a lot of debt for my ex when he struggled with his business during Covid. After the first 0% credit card ran out he asked me to transfer it to another (which I did), then we broke up and I found out he was hugely in debt with other credit cards, loans etc.

Luckily I got it resolved (I bought him out of the house and took some of his equity to pay off the debt in my name - with his agreement) but I would never do it again.

Its your debt op you need to pay it.

I am paying it??