Found out Husband has hidden debt from me (for the 2nd time).

[MummaSomething]

Please be kind - Not sure if I should be turning to strangers around this but I just need outsider opinions I guess…

I have a very loving husband and a wonderful father to our two children - I will do this very long story short but apologies if it does go on.

I found out this weekend, from opening his post after suspecting (from past doings) something was off and I was correct. Multiple loan lenders with vast amounts borrowed.

I’d found a mail 2 weeks prior to this & questioned him but the amount was very small and he stated ‘that doesn’t sound right, will look when home but I don’t have anything outstanding’… I don’t know why but I just wanted to believe him.
Now, sadly he’s done this before when I was pregnant with our first child he ended up confessing that he’d gotten us into 30k worth of debt & promised whole heartedly this would never happen again. I was distraught but so was he and it was agonising seeing him in such pain and I had saved a vast amount for my maternity and ended up paying most of it off for him (I have a well paid job/career and earn over double what my husband does but since this incident, we joint up our salary’s and I managed all finances and he’d cut up his credit cards).

It’s gambling but also, in some cases the first time attempting to keep up with myself financially… Not that he has ever needed to. We are married and we throw it in one pot, have a very comfortable life, though I feel this is somewhat a battle that some men have when their other halves earn more.

Anyway, feel like I’m jumping all over but he has now 5years later got us into a further near on 50k of debt, gambling and then attempting to keep up with card payments, credit cards he reactivated(!!!) and I am heartbroken.
I love this man and he loves me & our family dearly but I can’t help but feel so very angry. Not to mention I have found out just 4 months after giving birth to our 2nd beautiful lil one - The 2nd maternity leave I have to be burdened with unnecessary debt and quite frankly deceit as this time he had no intention of me finding out as he had got a debt plan in place, covering part of it and was terrified I’d divorce him.
At this stage of our family life we live up to our means, we’d moved and our mortgage has gone up an insane amount, along with the cost of living and my savings this time would cover some but I need this money to keep us afloat whilst I’m out of work, given how costly our outgoings are now in comparison to where we were before. I’m just in total shock.

How do I move forward here and how do I ensure this does not sink us in some way, financially or emotionally, as currently I know I am going to sit with SO much resentment. He needs help and I am trying to lead with this but… Man, I feel so weak with all this.

Hello how did this resolve for you?
i have recently found out my husband has hidden 48k£ of debt in just a few years - we have two young children. for him it has jsit been over spending i am talking £25 on lunches each day and ridiculous secret spending on clothing and goods - pure greed - our family holiday this year i paid for as he was struggling to pay yet £500 on watches!

for me it is not the total it is the lying and deceit - the selfishness to be spending on himself when we have two boys and j was recently tail end of maternity leave.

i almost wish it was for a gambling or drug addiction as oppsoe to selfish spending on hkmself.

i love my husband dearly and we were so so happy i feel like this has completely shattered me and our trust. I dont know if this is normal to conrinue the marriage

please let me know how you are navigating things

You should have left him the first time. But I think you know this. At least now you will be prepared when it happens for the third, fourth, fifth, sixth time...

Oh just realised this is a ZOMBIE thread.

@Jolt24 if you start your own thread you will get better responses.

@MummaSomething how funny this thread should get resurrected- I was thinking about you this morning as I drove to work. Some threads just stay with you, and yours definitely did with me. How are you?

Hi @Jolt24!
I am so very sorry you are going through this… It is quite the tumble of bricks once you’re sat with it and assessing how you then move forward from something like this.

it’s not easy and we are only just over a year on… I’ve stayed in my marriage & have put some solid boundaries in place, with myself taking over the finances and really taking charge on what this means with NO further chances… I needed to support my DH in what I’m hoping was his worst point in this addiction, as the first time it happened I’m not sure I took it very seriously.

Spending, can absolutely be an addiction in and of itself… So I would start there.
He has to admit he has a problem, if not .. I’m not sure where this leaves you.
My DH thankfully got himself straight onto GA + therapy, along with the medication he needed to support his MH and continues this now.

The resentment is real though and as much as I don’t want to always hold it against him - Just yesterday I lost my shit and told him that my irrationality around money is absolutely his fault, that he has caused that in me - I foresee it being quite the problem for some time but I do pull myself back but they also NEED to see it - It’s part of the process.
The lying really does break the trust, he’s got ALOT of work to do.. It just really depends on the initial foundations you had in place before this, the kind of character he is as a person and that will really set the scene with what you truly believe the outcome will be.

If you have real reservations around how genuine his intentions are moving forward, I would be brutally honest with yourself about whether your relationship can survive it.

Though, as much as you don’t want to be here - As you can see, you are not alone ♥️

Oh Yeah @WallaceinAnderland, seasoned pro now 🙄 I’m made of tough stuff and I know that if my hand is forced I can walk.. For now, I’m putting in some real effort because that is also a choice.

@GammonAndEgg Thank you for your thoughts ☺️ and just this morning too!
I am actually in a good spot thank you, things have taken a few shifts, some real positive changes for our family and I’m leaning into those.

We took a punt at the start of the the year, based on quite a large portion of DH’s unhappiness and triggers were with his work and such, that we decided he start up his own business (no financial assistance / no investment needed) without going into too much detail, he is thriving and has put his absolute all into it and it’s a good place to be!

I obviously oversee all the financials and such but of all the negatives that have come with this, this has been a great positive thus far..
Still on a journey and will be trying to get myself to a few sessions at Gamanon which is partner support as I do sometimes feel the support is needed.

Thank you for asking ☺️