Found out Husband has hidden debt from me (for the 2nd time).

[MummaSomething]

Please be kind - Not sure if I should be turning to strangers around this but I just need outsider opinions I guess…

I have a very loving husband and a wonderful father to our two children - I will do this very long story short but apologies if it does go on.

I found out this weekend, from opening his post after suspecting (from past doings) something was off and I was correct. Multiple loan lenders with vast amounts borrowed.

I’d found a mail 2 weeks prior to this & questioned him but the amount was very small and he stated ‘that doesn’t sound right, will look when home but I don’t have anything outstanding’… I don’t know why but I just wanted to believe him.
Now, sadly he’s done this before when I was pregnant with our first child he ended up confessing that he’d gotten us into 30k worth of debt & promised whole heartedly this would never happen again. I was distraught but so was he and it was agonising seeing him in such pain and I had saved a vast amount for my maternity and ended up paying most of it off for him (I have a well paid job/career and earn over double what my husband does but since this incident, we joint up our salary’s and I managed all finances and he’d cut up his credit cards).

It’s gambling but also, in some cases the first time attempting to keep up with myself financially… Not that he has ever needed to. We are married and we throw it in one pot, have a very comfortable life, though I feel this is somewhat a battle that some men have when their other halves earn more.

Anyway, feel like I’m jumping all over but he has now 5years later got us into a further near on 50k of debt, gambling and then attempting to keep up with card payments, credit cards he reactivated(!!!) and I am heartbroken.
I love this man and he loves me & our family dearly but I can’t help but feel so very angry. Not to mention I have found out just 4 months after giving birth to our 2nd beautiful lil one - The 2nd maternity leave I have to be burdened with unnecessary debt and quite frankly deceit as this time he had no intention of me finding out as he had got a debt plan in place, covering part of it and was terrified I’d divorce him.
At this stage of our family life we live up to our means, we’d moved and our mortgage has gone up an insane amount, along with the cost of living and my savings this time would cover some but I need this money to keep us afloat whilst I’m out of work, given how costly our outgoings are now in comparison to where we were before. I’m just in total shock.

How do I move forward here and how do I ensure this does not sink us in some way, financially or emotionally, as currently I know I am going to sit with SO much resentment. He needs help and I am trying to lead with this but… Man, I feel so weak with all this.

@Aquamarine1029
No blinders on - I’m living this.
i will not accept another relapse, he knows the stake of not sorting this out.

if he accrues more debt, he is on his own!
I will know if he links anything to me, after all the work we have done over the last couple of days (ongoing work and checks I’ll be doing for the foreseeable) off the back of the advise from here and additional research. Trust me, I’m not deluded despite wanting to see the good in him, I know what he is capable of now. He’s shown me loud and clear BUT there won’t be another chance to put this right and I stand absolutely solid on that.

Just because I am choosing not to divorce my husband here and now, does not guarantee anything… It just means I am choosing to try one last attempt on something we did not work on before, which is the route of his now very apparent addiction. Do I think this could happen again, of course. Do I believe there is a possibility for change… I wouldn’t try if I thought it was entirely hopeless.
My Children are my everything & I will be damned if they suffer because of this, so know I will be making sure there are strong protections around this.

@OhcantthInkofaname It’s a terrifying amount of money. Currently, I’m relying on this management plan, limited banking, full financial control and 0 access, with ban implementation/alerts, alongside therapy to really wake him up.

If all this fails, it’s hopeless and that is then, it.

Hi @IhateHPSDeaneCnt,
I'm not sure where I stated I blame myself? I don’t at all but I have said that within our marriage he has had moments he’s had to hold me up and that I’m not the easiest person to be married to.. But I’m not blaming any of this on myself.

It hasn’t reached that point and I will know if it does as I am of course now going to be vigilant on anything that would flag on my credit. I do believe he would not do anything in our children’s name, if I found out he ever has done or would do this - Game over.
i would like to stress that the gambling was not the majority of this large sum, 75% of it was covering the maxed out CC, this then led to loans to cover this, to then cover the times he would then spend month to month as he was living in a maxed out OD (disgusting yes! To keep this going) but the initial 25% damage was the gambling.

So yes the gambling is a problem but he’s not quite at a level of seeking out bookies or crossing boarders to pass a ban but it needs to be dealt with… As it’s what caused the absolute shit storm of a huge snow ball.

75% of it was covering the maxed out CC, this then led to loans to cover this, to then cover the times he would then spend month to month as he was living in a maxed out OD

How did this happen?

Why does he have maxed out CC and OD (when, presumably, you do not) if it’s not from gambling?

Apologies @MummaSomething - I didn't mean that you blame yourself but there's an inference that you understand his reasoning - which is obviously ridiculous too.

It’s gambling but also, in some cases the first time attempting to keep up with myself financially…

Considering you want to stay together, you have a good approach going forward. Heart felt good wishes x

I think you should consider getting a post nuptial financial agreement in place to protect yourself. Make sure the agreement sets out exactly why it is being put into place, and the repercussions of any divorce due to further gambling/debt. It's not absolutely guaranteed that a judge would uphold it 100%, but as long as the agreement shows that he has/had funds in his own name and the agreement was put in place due to previous debts that he had incurred you would have a good chance of it being accepted.

Consider making sure you both have good pensions set up of roughly equal value, so topping his up to match yours if he earns less. That will go toward showing you had no intention of ever ripping off your DH should you ever have to split up.

He has an illness, and you need to put steps in place for yourself to make sure his illness doesn't destroy your future.

I think that house should also be placed solely in your name, and finances completely separate. An agreed share payout should you divorce can be included in your agreement. If it has to go to paying his debt and he ends up penniless then on his head be it.

Whether you monitor him or not is up to you, but gamblers can be very sneaky and you won't know until it's too late. Also, how long can you keep up the monitoring before it adversely affects your feelings towards him?

Perish the thought you end up in this situation again at or close to retirement and end up penniless with no further earnings to be able to deal with it.

@RawBloomers Apologies without going into granular detail - That is the 25% per say… The max’d out CC and OD and then the fluctuation from there was a mix of dabbling, saving face from expenses he no longer had with getting through the month and covering charges, which then he’d cover with lenders or look at cheaper interest rates and borrow, whilst covering additional expenses which grew the debt over the last 3/4yrs.

Correct, no max’d out finances at all in my accounts/joint.

Thank you @IhateHPSDeaneCnt i see we how that looked - No, I absolutely don’t condone let alone understand how he managed this mess as I could never do such a thing.

@OrderOfTheKookaburra That is really sound and great advise, thank you - I was actually thinking around a post-nup of some kind, I think we are at a place where ‘extreme’ measures are needed now.
I’m prepared for resentment to be around for sometime, I will just have to check in with myself as we go as if I’m not happy in the future (debt aside) I wouldn’t just stay.

I'm hoping there’ll be enough protections in place that if anything else arises, it’s a case of walking away with minimal damage.

A lovely man who has betrayed you time and time again. Who has betrayed his children time and time again.

Your acceptance of his behaviour is tacit permission, to him, because he can get away with it.

You say you’re not divorcing him.

I say more fool you.

You don't want to hear it OP but he is not a wonderful husband and father. He is toxic.
My supposed soul mate married to me for 20 years also racked up a ton of debt which in the end I had to sell my house and considerably downsize to pay off.
I spent our entire marriage worrying about what he was going to do next.
After much heartache we are divorced and I thank God for that everyday.
No more worry and panic attacks and I can finally concentrate on funding on my retirement and helping DS buy a house.
Its as bad as domestic abuse. He has tarnished 2 of your happy memories with this crap. It will not end here I can promise you.

Divorce to protect yourself and your children asap.

You don't need to "split up", just sever your legal partnership- which is what a marriage is.

Thanks all for your comments and those who have directed some ideas/resource my way.

I’ll end this thread here I think, as my MH is getting a little fragile with all to think about and general comments on this situation - Although absolutely justified & appreciated, its a lot to absorb.

Lots to tackle - Thanks again ☺️

You can also do this yourself - a so called DIY divorce online through the government website.

Time to take back full control of your life.

Your relationship may survive...it may not...but you cannot allow this man to potentially ruin your future and that of your children.

Good luck x

I know you are ending the thread.

He needs to go to gamblers anonymous.

Good luck, op.

Go with him to see a debt advisor at CAB or a debt advice charity. Do not use a company that charges an admin fee. They will probably suggest bankruptcy.
Check your credit report. Gamblers are not beyond fraudulently applying for credit in other people's names.
Consider divorce.

I'm sorry and I hope your mental health recovers.

As the child of a man with something very like a gambling addiction, I'm afraid I would leave him now.

This has happened despite him being signed up to GAMSTOP the first time, and you do say he's been 'dabbling'. So he's been gambling. He had a chance to change and he either can't or won't. You know that gamblers keep going until they lose it all, don't you?

It's funny, on infidelity threads I'm always there saying 'talk to each other, have therapy' but with gambling... sorry, I'd be gone. This is the second time. He has spent years of your daughters' futures. I wouldn't spend time blaming him, what he does now is up to him.

I just hope for your sake the next time he does it, knowing or suspecting that it’s game over for the marriage, he’s doesn’t think ‘fuck it, go big or go home’ and lose you your house, savings, everything.

Op if you are still reading I am so sorry you are going through this.
Someonf mentioned what could be worse?
I don’t want to add unnecessarily to your worries but I think you need to know the possibilities.
I worked for years with people in debt.
For gamblers the usual “worse” was borrowing from friends, family, work colleagues, payday lenders, illegal moneylenders, embezzlement and theft.
Fraudulently getting credit in other peoples name.
Being fired for not going to work because they couldn’t face colleagues because they owed them money.

At the very least everybody around him needs to know he has a gambling addict and not to lend him money or trust him financially in any way.

@SauviGone He doesn’t want to ruin me &/or our kids, there’s no vendetta.
When it’s a scenario on the internet it takes away any personal detail of this person and I can categorically say he is no villain despite what he has done and genuinely not a (purposefully) hurtful person but I’m also aware there have been these people who still continue to betray, so I’m in absolute limbo here.
It’s no good me saying that on forums like this because it just comes across as me being a ‘fool’ or a mug but this is real life and there is a person behind this with a personality and we can’t all be defined by our vices surely. (What he has done is unforgivable… it will remain that way and my anger is RIFE and action/control is being taken)

Eitherway, I need to attempt all other possible options in this one last ditch effort before I give up on my marriage, which I cannot keep reiterating as it’s a little exhausting.

i will continue to read all advise and take away any helpful resources 😊 I’m ending the thread more for the comments on character or opinions on myself as i already am questioning a lot and I’m aware of this means and the risks involved. Im just heartbroken and it’s all just very raw.

Thanks additionally @PermanentTemporary @MrsMoastyToasty @Perplexed20 @destiel00 @devildeepbluesea @Gettingbysomehow @ChimneyPot I am taking it all on board.

My BIL is a gambler. SIL found out when she checked their savings account and £30k was missing.

She gave him an ultimatum, he had to join GA, she would have all control of finances and everyone in the family was to be told so they could support him, protect themselves and also let SIL know if he tried to borrow money.

It worked for them as he didn't want to lose his family, and he knew she meant it. 22 years on they are still together and he hasn't gambled since then.

The biggest problem you have is he is blaming keeping up with you which is not taking responsibility and you have forgiven him once, are going to again, so he can take that gamble with his family because the odds are strongly in his favour.

If he knows you are not planning on following through with an ultimatum I fear he will continue. A gambling addiction will be just as destructive to your family and relationship as a drug addiction,

Fair enough don.t leave him for the debt, but do leave him if he doesn't take full responsibility for his addiction with no excuses, takes every possible step to beat this including regular GA meetings for a prolonged period, telling family and anything else you insist on.

Good luck for your future, whether together or apart.

I would say that he has shown you twice who he is. Do yourself the biggest favour and take the hardest step. You will look back and thank yourself in the future.

Don't pay his debts for him again! He'll never learn.

Honestly I couldn't stay married to someone like this.

Your husband has gambled his family twice, and twice you've accepted it and stayed with him. He has absolutely no incentive to change, and he won't. He's an addict and you're his enabler.

@Aquamarine1029 Stating I am an enabler is quite something. Taking steps to put the house in my name, post-nup and full financial control etc… I wouldn’t say I was encouraging his behaviour in any kind of way or making it possible for him to do this, which is the definition of an ‘enabler’.

You are all correct he has indeed gambled on his family twice and I am currently processing this 😞

Hi @pinkyredrose, you’ll see from responses above, I’m not paying a single penny this time. It’s his debt entirely.