Friends and family asking for salary details.

[FancyFran]

I recently got a new job and I have spent the last three weeks being grilled about my salary.
I'm a high earner but I don't buy much. We lost our home 15 years ago and it was traumatic. I now try to save and still have one DC in education. A family member lent us money after the crash that was paid back in full with interest. She seems to ask me on every phone call how my finances are. Most of my friends are wealthy, many don't work due to age or large divorce settlements.
I've been aggressively told by two I should tell them my salary as they're not gossips! (they are) How do I handle this? I find it rude and competitive. I'm at the point of telling them to f**k off.
Is this how people are these days or is it the location I live in (county town)?
Fwiw I have no idea how much they earn or have.

Just tell them you work for magic beans.

I used to have a friend like this. I would never tell her my salary and it made her furious. I'd just say "it covers the bills", or, "I'm comfortable now". I ended up saying that I was not going to disclose my earnings to her as she had no need to know.
As its family, assuming you wish to remain in contact and keep things relatively polite, I think you need a grey rock answer - but I'm not quite sure what the wording would be.

I would wreck havoc and tell everyone WILDLY different figures but tell them all to keep it secret 🙃

If that doesn’t appeal, just firmly refuse to talk about it.

My new employers are famously wealthy.
Our bad luck in the past was talked about locally for years. My family member seems to police me now. Any purchase is scrutinised.
My mother did the no discussing money, religion or politics rule. That seems to have gone out of the window.
I've tried laughing and saying I'm not telling you.

WTF is wrong with people-why dont they mind their own business?

I would say "why is this so important to you?" and if they kept pressing I'd make something up and I'd purposely tell everyone a different figure so that if they did gossip with each other they would damn well know I had lied but they couldnt then say anything to me after telling me they "dont gossip".

If they did come back to me and asked why I lied I would tell them - because you did gossip, the fact you've talked about it with others means I was right not to tell you! Nothing they can say to that without looking like a dick

Maybe turn it straight back on them?

"Oh that's kind of you to check, but we're fine now."

"We're fine, thanks for asking. Are your finances OK? You keep asking, so I wonder if you're in difficulty yourself? You know if you have financial problems you can talk to me about it - I'd be happy to find some way to return the favour you did us."

Because some of it (not all!) might be coming from a kind place – ie still feeling a little responsible for you, even though you don't need that now.

Ask them why they want to know.

‘I’m very pleased with my new salary. It keeps me above water and lets me save as well.

Obviously money is a sensitive issue when you have had the kind of public misfortune we’ve had. I’m very pleased to be back on a normal footing and determined to stay that way. Have you been watching [suitable random thing to change the subject].

If they’re not getting the hint, so tell them straight, “either stop asking or fuck off, you choose”.

@Moonlitwalk thank you. I will try the 'why do you want to know?'

Everything seems to be about money. I have worked 75 hours nearly every week of my working life. My friends wouldn't do that. I love what I do but I'm tired and now disabled. I hide it well due to wfh 80% of the time. I will retire in the next few years but I need to work whilst my DC is at university (multiple degrees).
I don't have a wealthy husband or living parents so nobody is looking after me.

Yy, prepare some changes of subject so you have something ready to mind when they call.

Could you say ‘why do you keep asking, I’m never going to tell you’

How bizarre. They might ask, at a push, once out of mild curiosity then drop it. If they're that obsessed then they can do some online research of the average salary for someone in your job title and industry. It seems absolutely bizarre to ask that over and over again.
Just laugh and say 'i have no interest in talking about your finances, so I'm struggling to understand your intense fascination with mine?'
Then they'll probably get embarrassed and pretend they couldn't care less and were just making conversation.
I don't live in a county town but I was brought up to believe asking someone's salary is very bad manners and you just don't do it.
If someone felt the urge to tell you then fine. But it's not even interesting unless you were colleagues in the same role and employer and wanted to check you were being paid fairly.

@PerkingFaintly thank you for the suggestion re the offer of help to them.
I think they might spit their wine out on that one which has made me laugh 😂
I've only had one friend say you jammy cow and nothing more.

The family member who helped you financially obviously seems to think this gives her the right to nose into your finances forever more - next time they mention it tell them straight.

I’d say something like… ‘As you know I do appreciate that X many years ago you helped me financially, and I’m grateful - but things are fine now and your money has been repaid for over X years and I don’t wish to keep discussing my finances with you or anyone else now’

And if they bring it up again say, we’ve discussed this, I don’t want to talk about it.

@FancyFran Jefferson Fisher gives great advice on this:

https://youtube.com/shorts/zuvZWu3RWSI?si=hM2KqEM8QNwm_C5b

@BobbyBiscuits exactly so.

I'd say something vague like 'enough to pay the bills with a bit left for a rainy day'.
If they carry on just say you don't want to discuss it any more as it's making you feel uncomfortable.

I agree if you don't want to tell anyone your salary that's your right.

However, I genuinely don't see the problem in sharing how much you earn, in my opinion the more open everyone is the less discrimination they'd be in society but each to their own.

Same, tell one a million a year and the other one 6000.

Although, the one that loaned you the money was a good friend/relative. Most people would say no.

I'd tell them you work for free since that big lottery win of yours.

No, there would just be more envy and bitterness I think.

@Wwyd2025 we've had a lotto winner in the family and a cousin who inherited millions from a family friend. One as tight as a cats arse, the other pleads poverty sitting in her £2m house. She recently asked to borrow something to wear to a wedding. Cheeky mare.
I'm proud I spend my money on my DC. Having been seriously ill but still here I'm getting the dosh in whilst I can.
I shall try the £1m a year next time. It might be fun.

@Farting

"No, there would just be more envy and bitterness I think."

Equally though it would show up if people doing the same job were subject to discrimination and not getting the same as others.

Also if you're worried about envy or bitterness because one friend or family member earns more it's not like not telling them your salary is going to hide a massive house and multiple cars etc. People are going to get an idea of what you earn whether you share details or not.

This actually could be fun!

It'll be interesting to see who has the balls to come back first and accuse you of lying to them - and then try and answer "why do you think that?"

But seriously - yanbu. It's no one else's business.