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Friends and family asking for salary details.

113 replies

FancyFran · 25/08/2024 11:57

I recently got a new job and I have spent the last three weeks being grilled about my salary.
I'm a high earner but I don't buy much. We lost our home 15 years ago and it was traumatic. I now try to save and still have one DC in education. A family member lent us money after the crash that was paid back in full with interest. She seems to ask me on every phone call how my finances are. Most of my friends are wealthy, many don't work due to age or large divorce settlements.
I've been aggressively told by two I should tell them my salary as they're not gossips! (they are) How do I handle this? I find it rude and competitive. I'm at the point of telling them to f**k off.
Is this how people are these days or is it the location I live in (county town)?
Fwiw I have no idea how much they earn or have.

OP posts:
FancyFran · 25/08/2024 17:04

@blacksax have I upset you in anyway? You seem to want to imply I'm stupid.

OP posts:
blacksax · 25/08/2024 17:08

FancyFran · 25/08/2024 17:04

@blacksax have I upset you in anyway? You seem to want to imply I'm stupid.

No.

FancyFran · 25/08/2024 17:17

Well I was feeling supported and more confident to deal with the next round of nosy questions. There's always one on mumsnet

Thank you for all the supportive messages.

OP posts:
staor · 25/08/2024 17:28

Are your parents first gen immigrants by any chance?

I ask because mine are, and this is something I've struggled with. In my culture, it's socially acceptable to ask someone what their salary is - even if it's a friend or acquaintance, never mind a family member.

In fact, I have repeatedly had to remind my DM that it's completely inappropriate to ask my English DP about his finances! She doesn't see it as being nosy or invasive, to her it's just "basic" information that she would expect to know about her daughter's partner. It is infuriating as hell, but I have to remind myself that she genuinely doesn't understand why it's inappropriate.

There is also more emphasis on the collective and the family unit, so often money is seen as "shared" or "family" money - this often comes with an expectation to help relatives if you are financially more fortunate.

To be clear, I don't like it at all - I much prefer the British approach, and completely agree that a) it's none of your family's business and b) they have no claim on this money. However, IF it is a cultural thing, maybe this changes how you approach it with them, and how you can get through to them?

sadabouti · 25/08/2024 17:33

How much is your new salary OP. I won't tell anyone...

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 25/08/2024 17:37

Ask them why they need to know.

Why do you need to know that?

They don't need to know it.
They may want to know, but they don't need to know.

FancyFran · 25/08/2024 17:46

@staor no very white British. Old school.

They do see it as collective though. My mother tried to get me to pay for a nephews school fees.

I had a big job at thirty. They all jumped on it. I'm not going to say what I do due to the confidentiality. I've been made fun of and that's hurtful. It's not rocket science.
I employee lots of people and I really do help others. I think I am kind and generous.

OP posts:
Shittyproblem · 25/08/2024 17:47

Are you in England?

Asking how much one earns is unheard of normally.

FancyFran · 25/08/2024 17:52

Very England. Country.

OP posts:
tribalmango · 25/08/2024 18:04

Is this how people are these days or is it the location I live in (county town)?

My sons are the only people who have asked my salary. I didn't tell them cos they were being cheeky feckers; they know enough to work out what ball park it's in which I think is OK in regards to teaching them about finances.

I think it's the people you hang out with OP.

Johnnyripples · 25/08/2024 18:05

Hi OP, what do you mean by level 9 in ref to earrings/career level?

I hope you do have a will which is watertight and leaves everything to your DC, keep the vultures at bay!

FancyFran · 25/08/2024 18:34

Level 9?, I'm not on a band. I didn't think I wrote that.
I do have a will which needs a small update arranged for next week.

Tbh it's my clothes I worry about. I love clothes and I would hate to think they get binned or wasted. One friend did ask to be left a handbag!, I wasn't offended.
My DD is in charge of ebay when I snuff it.

OP posts:
tribalmango · 25/08/2024 18:45

Johnnyripples · 25/08/2024 18:05

Hi OP, what do you mean by level 9 in ref to earrings/career level?

I hope you do have a will which is watertight and leaves everything to your DC, keep the vultures at bay!

She means she started working at a high level, 9 years ago.

user47 · 25/08/2024 18:47

I get asked this a lot. I grin and say "I like this game, ok, you first, what is your favourite sexual position and how many times have you and DH done it this week" or some other outrageous question and then say "what? you won't tell me, what a spoil sport" and wander off. it stops them, I tell ya!

bevelino · 25/08/2024 18:47

My granny told me that if anyone asks you what you earn, turn the question straight back on them and ask them what they earn and how much do they have in savings, and or what their rent or mortgage is. That usually shuts them down.

FancyFran · 25/08/2024 18:50

@user47 my friends don't bonk much! 😄
However I am going to ask them more questions in the future.

OP posts:
abracadabra1980 · 25/08/2024 18:52

"That's for me to know, and you NOT to find out" - said with a laugh and then quickly change the subject. Has worked for me before 😁

Snowflake2 · 25/08/2024 19:53

H34th · 25/08/2024 15:26

I had a childhood friend who was hugely competitive with me and always wanted to know how much I earned. One time I just laughed at her saying why do you always ask me that - she hadn't realised apparently.
Anyway, once I took a career break she lost interest in our friendship.

My mum asks me money questions re mil, like how much money did mil gift dc etc. I just ignore the questions.
She says I'm disrespectful and rude for not wanting to share with her, and not a good daughter. So, may be, don't do that.

Nope. You're right and she's wrong. She's disrespectful and rude to ask. You're doing just fine having boundaries around not getting into a competitiveness gifting situation with mother and MIL. Very sensible of you.

Snowflake2 · 25/08/2024 20:05

So they think they own you. You might benefit from hanging out on the Stately Homes threads OP. You might start getting even more kick back from everyone when you refuse to back down. You'll get support to deal with it on that thread.

tribalmango · 25/08/2024 20:08

user47 · 25/08/2024 18:47

I get asked this a lot. I grin and say "I like this game, ok, you first, what is your favourite sexual position and how many times have you and DH done it this week" or some other outrageous question and then say "what? you won't tell me, what a spoil sport" and wander off. it stops them, I tell ya!

Who's asking you how much you earn? Really odd.

FancyFran · 25/08/2024 20:35

@Snowflake2 ive never read that thread but have seen it mentioned a lot. My mother did take us to stately homes as she was a historian.
I'll dip in tomorrow.

OP posts:
PerkingFaintly · 25/08/2024 20:52

This might also be a case for deploying the MN classic, "Did you mean to be so rude?"

Sockmate123 · 26/08/2024 00:16

My DH works for a big tech firm, well known. My DS makes comments like this all the time about his income and 'your DH must be on about X amount I'd imagine' and every holiday, how can you afford that? Also tells others and me that 'you've obviously won money or come into money some way and I'm happy for you' (she's not 😂 and we haven't won money).
I've never confirmed or denied anything just make diplomatic answers such as I take good financial advice, budget well etc
I just don't discuss money. I was always told as a child it's vulgar to discuss money, brag about money etc so I never have as an adult.

CheekyHobson · 26/08/2024 00:39

I think I'd just say, in a mild tone, "Oh, I prefer to keep my financial information private these days. I'm sure you understand!"

And if they keep asking: "No, sorry, like I said, I'd rather keep that private."

If they ask a third time, "We've already discussed this", in the same mild tone.

Further enquiries would involve me literally ignoring the question and simply changing the subject. "Have you seen Hannah lately? How's her house-hunt going?"

2sisters · 26/08/2024 00:54

Id say to the family member that lent you money... I really appreciated your support when we were struggling. I know your worried but we are fine know. I really don't want to discuss my finances further.

Everyone else...
I think it's rude t discuss money, religion and politics. Lets go all about something else. Repeat swap rude for vulgar occasionally.