Friends and family asking for salary details.

[FancyFran]

I recently got a new job and I have spent the last three weeks being grilled about my salary.
I'm a high earner but I don't buy much. We lost our home 15 years ago and it was traumatic. I now try to save and still have one DC in education. A family member lent us money after the crash that was paid back in full with interest. She seems to ask me on every phone call how my finances are. Most of my friends are wealthy, many don't work due to age or large divorce settlements.
I've been aggressively told by two I should tell them my salary as they're not gossips! (they are) How do I handle this? I find it rude and competitive. I'm at the point of telling them to f**k off.
Is this how people are these days or is it the location I live in (county town)?
Fwiw I have no idea how much they earn or have.

I was taught it’s incredibly rude to ask someone’s salary outside of a business context. I don’t know my sister’s or brothers’ salaries for example.

If anyone asks just say “I am not going to tell you. Please don’t ask me again.”

Turn it round on them and whatever they say give a higher number. That will shut them up.

This is why I would never EVER in a million years, get bailed out by family or friends. You are beholden to them for life, even if you pay it all back.

My younger DD's friend was supported somewhat through uni a decade ago, her parents paid her rent on halls for the first year, and the room she had in a houseshare for the second 2 years. (And they paid for a few other things as well.) And they still bang on about it like they gave her a kidney/saved her life.

She has regularly said she wishes she could pay them back as they still keep whittering on about it, and is working hard now (lots of hours in 2 jobs) to raise the money to give them back the £16-17K that they forked out. Nice to support your young adult children financially (or anyone) if you can, but don't hold it over them. That's nasty, manipulative, shitty behaviour.

Re; the nosiness @FancyFran My good friend Heidi has a disability, and hasn't had paid employment since she was about 47. (Now 53.) She has a 'friend' called Anne, who lives near her who is a couple of years older than her who she met about a year and a half ago when this woman started the same hobby group.

Anne is OBSESSED with trying to find out why Heidi doesn't have a job/doesn't work. Heidi has said multiple times that she is retired (she is - on medial grounds!) and Anne isn't accepting that and keeps grilling her to the point of giving her a headache and causing her real stress. Heidi's husband Pete has a NMW job for 30 hours a week, and Anne 'just simply cannot fathom' how they survive on his wage. There is nothing for Anne to 'fathom.' it's got fuck-all to do with her.

Anne will just stare at Heidi, and say 'so let me ask again... how on earth do you and Pete make ends meet? There's no way you survive on his 30 hours a week at Tesco!' And 'I can't help but ask... will you EVER work again? No-one retires at 47!'

Same questions over and over and over, to the point where Heidi has left the hobby group she went to twice a week, and is trying to give Anne a wide berth.

Fucking weirdo! Just obsessed because she hates working, and cannot 'fathom' how Heidi can manage to not work, and still survive! Well for a start, Heidi doesn't have a £175,000 mortgage that she only took out at the age of 49 like Anne. She is mortgage free. Anne has no choice but to work, and it bugs the hell out of her that Heidi can afford to not work. (As I said she has a disability and finds work hard anyway, and that's why she retired on medical grounds at the age of 47 after 30 years of work. As I said, it's fuck-all to do with Anne though. Or anyone!)

tl;dr as others have said, just make something up. Tell one person £17K and other £77K. As a pp said, if they don't gossip they shouldn't know that you have told them all different amounts! If they DO say 'you told us different things' just say 'yes I did because I knew you would all gossip. Now quit asking because I am NEVER going to tell you!!!'

nb: not real names obviously.....

When you rely on family members to bail you out financially, you kind of open yourself up to this.

Maybe that family member felt guilted into helping you out, maybe it used up a lot of their reserves to loan you the money, maybe their spouse wasn’t happy about it, maybe they spent the whole time worrying that you wouldn’t pay it all back - there are threads about these issues all the time on here - and maybe now they’re worried they could be expected to help you out again any time.

Have a proper chat with them, acknowledge that you’ve had to rely on them financially in the past but you can guarantee that won’t ever happen again, even if you did get into financial difficulties you wouldn’t ever ask family to bail you out again, so you’d like to draw a line under any discussion around finances from now on.

@fedupoftheheatnow i actually don't have a massive house or posh makes of car. I had a lot of debt after the crash that I paid back for years then started saving to buy a house again. Sadly I fell ill after caring for my parent. We live in a commuter town so savings don't last long.
I do earn big salaries but the contracts are target based so they have no secruity and few have benefits. It wouldn't suit most people but in all fairness I am one of only a handful of women at my level in the industry. These jobs usually go to men.

I would lie - make it half decent but not enough to encourage the green eyed monster - £50,000?

Tell them you're being paid in self esteem and today, you're feeling absolutely great.

I’m sorry OP, time to get firm with these people.

it’s simply something you don’t want to share - it’s rude.

my fil wanted to know my finances and I told him he would never come to know that information as it’s personal and he has no business knowing it.

be firm, tell them you find it intrusive and don’t like to talk money. Simple.

I just can't imagine these sorts of conversations at all!

"Excuse me?"with a withering look or "What is your fascination with my salary? You have asked me that question a lot lately. Any particular reason you are so interested?"

Or "why is that your business?"

How rude! I would never dream of asking a family member how much they earn. I know my brother who works in finance earns loadsamoney, my brother who works as a primary teacher in a state school not brilliant money and my sister who's an event organiser is on a reasonable amount. I could probably find out a rough amount for the teacher but haven't a clue about the others!!!

I work pt as a mental health nurse, my siblings know I earn enough but not loads. I've paid off my mortgage, the only dependant I have is the dog, and I'm not generally interested in living the high life .

This would infuriate me, I second turning it around as suggested.

Well done for recovering financially.

@SauviGone When you rely on family members to bail you out financially, you kind of open yourself up to this.

sadly OP I think SauviGone is right. You invited them in to your finances when you made your financial problems theirs to fix.

we often have roles in families, yours is finically insecure one. The only way you are going to get out of that role is to tell them numbers, but it doesn’t have to be wage numbers, it could be savings levels. Next time they ask, try something like:

“look, I know you are only asking because you are worried I’m going to end up in a financial mess again, but you don’t need to. Even if my contract got cancelled tomorrow I’ve got 2 years worth of rent/mortgage and bills money saved, that I don’t touch even for car or holiday purchases. I’m living way under my means and adding to my savings each month. Please don’t worry. I promise I’m never going to overstretch again.”

(I have no idea if you have 2 years worth of bills money saved, but worth saying something like that as for someone older and worried about you, that feels like a very sensible buffer, much more than any number would because without the context of how long that would last you, they don’t know how long it would take before they had to help you again.)

Nah- the only way this could ever work was if everyone you knew was doing the exact same job.

Myself and all my friends are in completely different, diverse, varying careers. How much my friend earns as a school teacher is completely irrelevant to how much I earn having started my own business. They arent even remotely comparable.

Besides, you can easily go on Indeed and see the average median salaries for any job, it's very easily googleable.

Noone should ever be obliged to share their financial details if they dont feel comfortable - its noone else's bloody business and its flat out rude to ask.

"I'm not sure exactly because it varies from month to month and job to job. If I had to put my best estimate on it I'd say ... hmm .... I suppose ... approximately ... eleventy billion pounds a year".

So, how much do you earn OP? 😜

They're not your friends if they're that determined to gossip about you. They're being incredibly rude.

The one who always asks how your finances are tell her they're fine, then move the conversation on. For some people talking about salary and finances is just something they do. It's a status thing to them and so they're very interested in others situations because it means something to them about where they are in their self imposed pecking order of salary amounts. Personally I find such people pretty tedious company so I'd take a look at whether you're really getting anything out of this friendship any more. Perhaps you're incompatible now and it's run its course.

I know we're all different with different standards and morals and ways of being etc, but if I'm politely brushing off someone's questions and they don't accept that, I have no qualms about being blunt and saying I'm not going to talk about that (no apology in front of it!), then either change the subject or let the silence sit. If they ask why it's because I'm not. Just shut it down. Don't worry if it's necessary to hang up the phone, permanently ignore the text or walk away from the encounter. Whilst this is all generally considered rude behaviour, it's totally fine to behave that way with someone who is being rude to you. You don't have to stick around politely putting up with their rudeness just because in your head you've labelled them "friend" or "family". They're just rude people, nothing more, nothing less. So treat them accordingly.

Anyone who tries to start an argument over the fact you won't do what they want you to do (which is tell them your salary) - I basically consider the friendship over and distance myself. I don't need controlling people in my life.

Just say "enough, thanks". Rinse and repeat.

I did use to own a huge house in the late 1990s/ early noughties which my family and friends enjoyed very much. Three extra family members lived there at my expense. I sold it after becoming seriously ill and believing I would never work again.
For years I couldn't work so lived off my savings whilst trying to manage a SEN DC and elderly parents. I took a bad decision just before the crash in 2008. We lost our home. We spent years in rentals. I started to work again at a high level 9 years ago. The DC were older and I could work away. Most people thought I still had big money from the house sale.
Sadly last year I had a return of my illness. I've been treated and I have hidden it well I think.
My work is not physically hard (which I couldn't do now anyway) but it takes a lot of confidence and knowledge. I have done minimum wage jobs when I had no work. I'm not a flash Harry these days (I might have been in the past which I've learnt from😊).
I grew up in poverty but I was clever and hardworking. I went to a famous university and I work twice as hard as my male colleagues. They usually hate me anyway. One of my nieces said 'you jammy bugger, what are you going to do with that money?' I said retire. She said good for you but she's a care worker, loves her job and doesn't want more. Happy in her skin.

@Chewbecca probably the most in my industry outside of brand owners. Men of course get more.
So more than most people, less than a banker! And I pay all my tax and don't funnel it through a company.

Say to them, "I've always remembered what my dear mother said that no discussions about money, religion and politics should take place, and I try to live by that".

It all comes down to jealousy at the end of the day.

Either they're insecure, hinging their self worth on their salary and assets, wanting to make sure you don't have more than them so they can feel superior.

Or they perceive you as having something they don't have, but think they should have (not necessarily for any logical reason). So they're going to bitch about you not giving them some or about how you don't deserve what you have. So they get a bit obsessed with finding out the details of your situation.

Like the PP friends Heidi/Anne (it's blatantly obvious Anne is a benefit basher and is trying to get Heidi to admit the "crime" (of being on benefits) that Ann suspects Heidi has "committed".). The knowledge of your salary OP, if obtained, will just become a stick to beat you with. They're feeling judgemental and looking for some focus for their hate.

I dare say some of them, having been used to taking advantage of you, feel entitled to do that now or for others in their party to do that. The one who bailed you out might be feeling like they invested in you and now want a return on that investment, so why can't their DD (or whoever) come live with you. Those who lived with you before could be feeling like they're owed housing by you, whether that's you putting them up yourself or paying their rent etc. If they've used you as a carer to the extent it made you ill, then they obviously don't actually care about you and some of them likely feel entitled to your time and energy, not just your money. So if you're not helping them with whatever, you should be paying someone else to help them, is how they'll see it.

For whatever reason everyone seems to have cast you in the role of benevolent benefactor and while you could you went along with it. Now you can't, but they still feel entitled and you're struggling to say no. I'd have a closer look at family dynamics if I was you. Why did you go along with their designated role for you? Why didn't you, and they, see you as a separate person with full autonomy over your own life? I'm willing to bet there's a fair amount of toxicity and enmeshment going on.

What someone is used to in family dynamics can be replicated with partners and friends, subconsciously, because it's where their comfort zone is at. Even though their version of "normal and familiar" isn't actually all that healthy.

Perhaps they’re not doing the same job as well as someone else. It doesn’t necessarily mean discrimination.

Jealousy on their part for sure! "Oi beaky!" should do the trick!

Once you tell someone you can't untell them.

Tell them it's private. It's incredibly rude to ask. With the exception of the person who lent you the money because they may just be checking all will be well in the future.

Tell them to mind theor own business.