DP wants home ownership but not a mortgage

[Maplelady]

My partner and I have been together for three years. I own my house outright and he owns no property, but could raise a mortgage of around 350k on his 80k salary.

He currently pays £600 a month to live and my house but understandably doesn’t want to feel like my lodger forever. I suggested that we could sell my house and put that down a 500k deposit and he could raise a mortgage of say 150k-200k (which he pays and has that as a percentage of equity in the house). He really hates the idea of owing that sort of money to the bank and being tied to a mortgage for the next 20 years.

He’s suggested that I buy a new house from the sale of my current house and my savings (I have 100k in savings) and he pays me a monthly amount and gradually buys a share of my house. Am I right to feel really uncomfortable about this? There’s nothing compelling or exciting to me about selling chunks of a property I already own and can afford. I get that he wants us to feel more like a partnership rather than a tenant/landlord situation.

For a bit of background… I put my ex on my mortgage years ago and it ended up costing me a lot of money when we broke up after a few years. I can’t tell if I’m just being overly cautious because of my past experience

A big fat no.

I get your point from an outside perspective. It’s a 3 year relationship and I’m not going to end it based on one conversation that recently happened.

@Maplelady i think you are handling this in a mature, adult fashion. You have taken on board some excellent advice here, and you have strong boundaries.

I hope your partner has had similar time to reflect in an adult -I-am-responsible-for-myself manner.

all the best.

What did he say last night OP? We're hanging on here!

Good luck with the conversation tonight. I hope it works out well, either with a solution that is good for both of you, or clarity in your mind over what you want. It may be that you need to have a few conversations to truly put this to bed one way or another.

Well done on your sensible and rational deciding on what to do, rather than a knee jerk reaction.

I've never heard the phrase 'all frill, no knickers' but I like it very much!

What will happen if you break up? Why can’t he buy his own house and you live separately? Put yourself first, if he really loves you he’ll understand. I don’t really get all this marriage and buying stuff together thing anymore- times have changed. Enjoy having a relationship but don’t sacrifice your finances In the process!

@Maplelady You make a really interesting point about contingency. Well, perhaps I find it reassuring because I’m often accused of worrying too much about things.

But for that reason, I generally have a contingency and I find it difficult to sympathise with people who don’t people who just assume everything is going to turn out really well… It puzzles me.

That has gone even more spectacularly badly than I could have imagined. He doesn’t want a mortgage (which is fine by me!) but also doesn’t think that he should pay rent in the longer term. He said it’s irrelevant that he earns twice what I do or would be paying to rent privately if he didn’t live with me. I’m apparently ‘money oriented’ (bearing in mind this conversation was to iron out an issue about finances) and he plans on taking a pay cut because he’s had enough of corporate life and wants to set up on his own. Oh and he doesn’t want to live in this house anymore and I should buy a new one. What a shit show

I just don’t understand how he thinks he’s entitled to free lodgings.

That is really bad but not surprising sadly. A man who tried so deliberately to fleece you and your family, was unlikely to turn around and be decent a few days later . He has his eyes on your assets clearly and has decided you will be his financial security! Ugh how unattractive.

Well at least you know you’ve tried…

So I take it you’ll be making plans to break up him this week if you haven’t already?

Well he can go fuck himself.

He's all about ME ME ME, what HE wants.

So basically, he wants to live for free, in a house that you've paid for, but not the house you already own, he wants YOU to buy another house, just to please HIM, and he won't be paying a penny. Oh fuck off mate.

Get rid. I know you love him and it's been 3 years, but seriously, this guy is a dick. He wants to quit corporate life - fine, but he cannot seriously expect YOU to fund that. You've only been together 3yrs, you're not married. Seriously, he's got a screw loose.

GET RID!!

I've read the whole thread now...

He doesn't want to live in your house? Well there's the door.

He doesn't want to pay rent? Well there's the door.

He doesn't want a mortgage? Tough tits, there's the door.

He wants to take a pay cut? Good luck with that sunshine (and there's the door).

PLEASE see him for what he is and bin him. You're worth so much more than this! X

Showed my partner this post and he said "she should dump him immediately he's a total dick".

Your update gives the very definition of 'doubling down'.

What a sad situation. I wouldn't even try and get my head around where he's coming from - it will send you over the edge too.

Be gentle with yourself Maplelady but get that guy gone asap, and no worrying about where he's going to go. This is not not problem, although I accept it's not easy to step away from someone you care for

He's not hiding that he wants to fleece you, he's being upfront about it. He needs kicking to the kerb.

Sorry OP that it the talk has not gone well.

He doesn’t want a mortgage (which is fine by me!) but also doesn’t think that he should pay rent in the longer term. ... Oh and he doesn’t want to live in this house anymore and I should buy a new one.

What does he mean by this? Is he essentially sticking to his original plan for you to sell, buy a new house with YOUR proceeds and savings, and he buys a share off you every month i.e. not paying rent? If so, Screw Him.

and he plans on taking a pay cut because he’s had enough of corporate life and wants to set up on his own.

So he is not consulting you? He is just going to do it? Is he saying he does not see a future with you or is he just saying Screw You Money-Oriented B, I am going to leech off you whether you like it or not.

He said it’s irrelevant that he earns twice what I do or would be paying to rent privately if he didn’t live with me.

So is he still going to live with you or is he moving out as a threat?

Bloody norah.

How dare he. Who does he think he is?

Well done for seeing the light OP.

Oh wow...

So who does he expect will pay for the house that he will live in? Or pay the bills while he takes a pay cut? Or put food on the table while he gets his business up and running? I wonder who he thinks should be a muggins 🤔

I am so sorry OP. This must have completely blind sided you.

He said if he owned a house and had paid off the mortgage then he wouldn’t charge me

That’s very easy to say…

I mean, I could say “if I had a mansion I’d let the next 10 people to post live with me for free”.

Its very easy to say shit like that when it’s not going to happen.

IF 🙄

People are so generous with imaginary wealth.

i would re-frame this if you can. This hasn’t gone bad. This has gone very very good - you now know this man’s intentions are to live off your home. Not even content with living in your home he’s planning on it being sold to fund one of his choice.

And after pretending that he was looking to borrow money from you to pay for his share he’s let slip that he has no intention of paying for it - but you can bet your last £ that he intends to try and claim it.

He sees you as a cash cow. It’s not bad that you know this, it’s bloody good!