Tricky mortgage situation feeling lost - help

[superwoman888]

Hey Mumsnet crowd,

Lost and unsure where to turn, would appreciate anyone's advice!

Currently own a shared £306k mortgage with my partner / daughter's father (1yo). We've had the mortgage for 6 years: 3 years on a flat and 3 years on a house. He originally paid £18k deposit, I paid £8k on the flat and we paid monthly payments 50/50. Now that we have a house, it's getting more complicated as he earns more and has started to overpay.

He made a big payment roughly of 80k recently, and with the higher original deposit, the deeds were changed to 36% me ownership / 64% him ownership, which is fine with me.

My issues are this:

• It has always felt strange to continue to contribute 50/50 to monthly payments (I understand he put a big payment down but still feels weird I can't shake off why, especially now the deeds reflect his higher ownership) - is this right?
• I also am struggling to keep up with the monthly payments (and have done for the last 5 years so have freelanced and worked at events to keep up) but that has become harder now with our 1st child here, and less time and money
• His earnings are double mine. I could be earning more and he regularly reminds me of that but I LOVE my job and am happy where I am and although I'm on track to a slight raise in 2025, it's a small company and unlikely to
• He offered to pay off 'his side' of the mortgage now, and leave me to pay the rest however much / little I would like (approx £120k) so that we always own 50/50 share but am I wrong in thinking it feels weird for him to leave here free like that whilst I still pay especially now we have a daughter? Should he be paying rent? Should I say yes?
• He always mentions that he's saved me interest by making the overpayments and whilst that is true, it's almost like he is using that to try and force me into making the same contribution somehow, e.g. me losing money on mat leave

Other details

• Total monthly payment together is £1350
• We took a short term of 10 years with the flat, and now 15 years with the house
• We are not married and no plans to be
• Been together 11 years
• Have one child
• He earns 70k I earn 33k, and he recently had 80k bonus
• I have personal debt of around 6k, he has none
• We do fixed bills and nursery costs 50/50 and he puts £150 more than me towards variable costs such as food and petrol etc (recent change since he got a pay raise)
• I just started freelancing for him a few hours a week (I need the money, but also this feels kinda weird knowing our situation)

The problem now I need help with:

I want (need, not want) to reduce my monthly payments or increase the mortgage term to help with cashflow since we had a daughter and living costs are rising, I'm falling further into debt, especially after mat leave. He obviously does not want this as holds him back from paying off 'his side' of the mortgage quicker, and is dead-set on keeping the monthly payments 50/50 and the mortgage term as low as possible. No matter what I do, I just can't seem to get through to him and he's being extremely stubborn, and I now am at the very end of my ability to 'keep up'.

We're arguing so frequently about this and have such different views on money. We have a daughter and I will not leave him. I have sought out financial advice on and off but coming here to see if anyone has other ideas.

Cheers!
Superwoman888

This sounds like a really horrible situation to be in. I can't believe he's making you pay 50:50 for childcare and that you went into debt during maternity leave.

Sounds extreme to say but maybe selling up and buying your own property is the solution
then you wouldn't have to live with him either

I am sorry to hear about your troubles. He clearly values his money over the relationship with the mother of his child. Lots of men behave like this unfortunately. I don't see how you could change his mind so drastic action is required in my opinion. Stop paying 50/50 on the mortgage and start paying 36/64. Redirect the rest towards clearing your credit card debt. Give your partner 1-2 months warning. Once he realises his credit rating is in danger he will have to act (in danger because of mortgage payment shortfall). I am really sorry your relationship is heading for the break-up. It's a matter of when not if in my opinion. He is not playing the role of a partner and protector women value so much. This will affect you emotionally sooner or later. I suggest you start getting your finances in order

The thing is, OP, that your boyfriend should have your back. The fact you have a child together means that if he loves you he wouldn't want you to be in such a terrible situation financially.

He's putting himself first and you know what? Eventually you'll have virtually no share in the house and you will end up splitting up and will have nothing.

You say you don't want to leave him but I think you need to think of your future. Given neither of you want to marry, you have to accept that living as you are now, you are making yourself extremely vulnerable financially.

You have to think of the future. Make your own future as secure as you can.

This is a crazy set up.

can I ask why marriage is off the cards? Not that I’m recommending it with this prince but the reasons may influence my advice.

have you had a conversation about paying proportionally to income for all expenditure? How did that go?

He doesn't care about your relationship as much as you do. That is a clear fact here. He also is not your "partner".

Do you want to raise your daughter in a relationship that treats you so appallingly? Would you want your current life for her? What advice would you give her in the same situation?

It isn't going to get any better, I'll tell you that for nothing. What happens when he wants a flashy holiday and you can't pay for half? Will he go without you? Take your daughter with him? How would you feel about that? Or five years down the line he leaves you and your daughter with no money, no home, but don't worry, you've got a tiny proportion of a house, as he's squeezed you further and further out of it.

If he has paid 80k + 18k = 98
You paid 8k
106k total paid as lump sum
Leaving 200k as mortgage, split 50/50

He would have paid 198k to your 108k by thecend, which is around 65:35 share, so that is correct. If he only continues to pay 50/50.

If he pays more of your share his share obviously goes up, so he would own more of it. So it's up to you, if he agrees to pay more, you would end up with less than 35%?

As you earn less than him, if you keep going on 50:50 input on mortgage nursery etc he will end up owning the whole house and you will end up in significant debt.

You are trying to maintain a lifestyle that you personally cannot afford but he can. He is pressurizing you to keep up because he doesn't want to have his life impacted by the fact that you can't or won't keep up.

Mothers usually struggle to keep up earning capacity after their first child and even more so if there are any more, usually because the father doesn't pull 50% of the housework, night wakings etc.

You are going to have to say that you can't afford to keep up with him.

Well he sounds a delight.

Why are you paying 50/50 on fixed costs?
He's hiring you as a freelancer, did I read that right?
Why is marriage off the cards? You will be fucked over if he leaves. Do you have a pension? What is his pension provision?

I'm sure he wouldn't agree, but the house ownership and income are both fairly similar in percentage comparisons.
Perhaps all money should be split on this percentage?? You contributing 30% of alll the family costs, and him contributing 70%.

Why is a marriage off the cards? That would provide much security for you given it sounds like you have funded all of maternity leave, and are taking an earnings hit due to childcare now.

it doesn’t sound like an 11 year relationship it sounds like a business partnership.

I am not sure the OP share will go down if she stops paying 50/50. She needs to check with the mortgage advisor. I suspect this relationship will be over long before the mortgage is paid off. All this man cares is money in his bank account. I have been living long enough to know how this eventually pans out

We paid into our house deposit 66 % him and 34% me and pay our monthly mortgage payments using the exact same split. It keeps thing clean and tidy and I couldn't really afford to put in more even if I wanted to.

Well fuck that, I think I'd stop paying completely (appreciate this is terrible advice would mess up both your credit ratings) furious on your behalf.

Financial abuse is not a good quality.

Is he frustrated that you choose to earn less by working in a job you love? Just trying to see where he may be coming from.

This is an awful, borderline abusive situation. Money should be pooled into one account and all bills etc taken from that with an equal amount to spend. He is taking the absolute piss and the fact you're not married puts you in a precarious situation. What about pensions?

Financially, you’re setting yourself on fire to keep your DP warm - and he’s happily letting you do it with no thought or care about your financial peace of mind or security.

My advice - sell up and buy a property each in your own names. Secure your own financial stability with something that’s affordable and sustainable even if modest. If you take on the primary carer role, claim maintenance. You can still continue a romantic relationship with him, and both parent your child.

He is pushing you to a financial cliff edge -take action and don’t allow yourself to fall off. You are facing all of the pitfalls of a single person with none of the control over your own financial future.

The percentage share isnt set by the mortgage company, it will be the ownership set up they've chosen, tenants in common though it's more normal to set a defined share as opposed to recalculating it like this. OP what did you agree, what's written down about ownership?

He pays you to freelance for him? Wtf. There's so many things wrong with this situation he sounds financially controlling Id leave he doesn't love you or respect you

The childcare costs should certainly be split pro rata to income. That’s for starters. However I think you need to review this relationship.

This is a horrible arrangement, my partner and I are also not married. We earn a similar amount so contribute half each but I'm on mat leave so I'm not currently contributing the same amount. That's because I'm looking after his child!

Now you have a child you need to be working as a team, it very much seems like he is only out for himself not your family unit.

I think you need to be contributing proportionally to income especially as you don't equally own the property.

Good luck

Another thought, have you lost tax free childcare due to his income being over £100k with bonus? When it comes in September 2024 you will also not get your 15 free hours?

It's hardly fair that his salary pushes up your childcare costs so you pay 50% of a higher amount whilst he alone gets the benefit of the higher salary.

OP, you are being financially abused. This is not normal and not how people in committed relationships behave. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

You have a child together- does this impact your earning potential? Does he do 50/50 childcare/ "home" work?

This relationship sounds awful, it should be equal. Why are you not married? Is it because he wants to keep "his" assets away from you? Is this a situation you can live with long term?

Hi everyone, thanks for taking the time to reply! To answer:

• He does not want to get married and never has, I accepted that years ago and still decided to have a child with him (as risky as this is, I stand by it)
• We had a conversation about contributing different amounts depending on our income and have done one and off for ages, but he always comes back to the same thing that its 'my choice' to earn less than I am able to. To explain more, I could earn +10k more than I am but I already left this company to work in a bank twice in the last few years and although money was good, I was unhappy and stressed, and don't get the amount of flexibility I do now (for example, I took 80% of the time off work when my daughter was sick starting nursery and my company kindly paid me anyway, whereas if he was to talk the time off, he wouldn't get paid...) and there's a part of me that's OK with my salary because I am genuinely happy, great team, and why should I leave!
• My suggestion was to do exactly that - I pay 35% of mortgage and he pays 65% (I have no problem owning less of the house, he is after all paying for more of it) but I do have a problem being 'forced' to pay and own 50/50 when I cannot afford to
• He seems totally obsessed with keeping things 50/50 even though it's impossible if we earn different amounts - I think he may have gotten advice from someone or his parents to do it this way (who are, by the way, in their 80s retired and got their first home for like 25k and are what I would say act like housemates so I can see where he gets it from)
• It does absolutely feel like a business partnership, and that's why I am emotionally distancing myself! I may add that he is autistic, and it's very common for partners to feel this way (I've had support / therapy) - to add more context he was a bit screwed over a few years back by his business partner, and also his family are currently fighting over inheritance, so believe alot of paranoia has developed from this and sadly it's affecting our relationship.
• Yes, I am hired as a freelancer helping him with marketing.
• And yes, he does contribute £150 more to bills than me but it still feels out of proportion given our incomes, and may I add, I do not get child benefit because of his high earnings so am losing out on that money (hence why I pushed so hard for him to pay even a little more, it took months of arguments and spreadsheets to get there, and it regularly gets thrown back in my face in an argument so hate it)

Honestly feel so stuck. We still haven't come to an arrangement yet and it flared up again this morning as none of us are willing to back down. Of course, I have thought about leaving but it's really complex now we have a daughter, it's not simple. I just want to know what I can safely do myself to stop getting into more debt because he refuses to change the mortgage or deeds, and I refuse to leave my job.

It's all a bit strange but I have been with this man a long time and know he doesn't treat me as a true partner in terms of money on his quest for 50/50, but I also know he will not change. It's just knowing what I can do (legally) without leaving, and there's a few good suggestions in there, I might see if my mortgage adviser will help.

Cheers!