Tricky mortgage situation feeling lost - help

[superwoman888]

Hey Mumsnet crowd,

Lost and unsure where to turn, would appreciate anyone's advice!

Currently own a shared £306k mortgage with my partner / daughter's father (1yo). We've had the mortgage for 6 years: 3 years on a flat and 3 years on a house. He originally paid £18k deposit, I paid £8k on the flat and we paid monthly payments 50/50. Now that we have a house, it's getting more complicated as he earns more and has started to overpay.

He made a big payment roughly of 80k recently, and with the higher original deposit, the deeds were changed to 36% me ownership / 64% him ownership, which is fine with me.

My issues are this:

• It has always felt strange to continue to contribute 50/50 to monthly payments (I understand he put a big payment down but still feels weird I can't shake off why, especially now the deeds reflect his higher ownership) - is this right?
• I also am struggling to keep up with the monthly payments (and have done for the last 5 years so have freelanced and worked at events to keep up) but that has become harder now with our 1st child here, and less time and money
• His earnings are double mine. I could be earning more and he regularly reminds me of that but I LOVE my job and am happy where I am and although I'm on track to a slight raise in 2025, it's a small company and unlikely to
• He offered to pay off 'his side' of the mortgage now, and leave me to pay the rest however much / little I would like (approx £120k) so that we always own 50/50 share but am I wrong in thinking it feels weird for him to leave here free like that whilst I still pay especially now we have a daughter? Should he be paying rent? Should I say yes?
• He always mentions that he's saved me interest by making the overpayments and whilst that is true, it's almost like he is using that to try and force me into making the same contribution somehow, e.g. me losing money on mat leave

Other details

• Total monthly payment together is £1350
• We took a short term of 10 years with the flat, and now 15 years with the house
• We are not married and no plans to be
• Been together 11 years
• Have one child
• He earns 70k I earn 33k, and he recently had 80k bonus
• I have personal debt of around 6k, he has none
• We do fixed bills and nursery costs 50/50 and he puts £150 more than me towards variable costs such as food and petrol etc (recent change since he got a pay raise)
• I just started freelancing for him a few hours a week (I need the money, but also this feels kinda weird knowing our situation)

The problem now I need help with:

I want (need, not want) to reduce my monthly payments or increase the mortgage term to help with cashflow since we had a daughter and living costs are rising, I'm falling further into debt, especially after mat leave. He obviously does not want this as holds him back from paying off 'his side' of the mortgage quicker, and is dead-set on keeping the monthly payments 50/50 and the mortgage term as low as possible. No matter what I do, I just can't seem to get through to him and he's being extremely stubborn, and I now am at the very end of my ability to 'keep up'.

We're arguing so frequently about this and have such different views on money. We have a daughter and I will not leave him. I have sought out financial advice on and off but coming here to see if anyone has other ideas.

Cheers!
Superwoman888

Why did he have a child, if he doesn't want a family

To share, as a family

Legally, you are still two single people

However, you share a child

You don't sound like a family at all. He sounds like he's trained you well. At this point you really should just leave, I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like he loves or cares about you particularly. I think you deserve to be treated far better than this.

He doesn't want to get married because of his weird obsession with his assets. None of this is normal for a couple with a child op. I am married whilst we did start off 50:50 once we had kids and I earned much less dh took over paying and has since paid off the mortgage. There has been no discussion of him owning more of the house than me because he recognises the value of the unpaid role I have played in raising our children, taking maternity leave and working part time. You seem to have swallowed all of his bullshit and are now in a very precarious position. How can you love someone who doesn't seem to care about you. I would extract myself from this relationship if I were you.

I’m going slightly against the grain here. You’ve been living with this man for some considerable time now, so would have been well aware of his financial situation before deciding to have a child together. Because of his contribution and income, you have benefitted from living in a much better house than what you could have afforded by yourself. He’s protecting the money he’s put into the house.
You knew he wouldn’t get married and yet still put yourself in a very vulnerable position by having a child with him. The time to discuss and agree to finances was before you started trying to get pregnant. The most obvious thing to have done was jointly save up enough money to cover your mat leave.
I think you’ve been very naive with regards to finances and now’s the time to sort it for once and for all.
You need to explain to him what financial situation you are in (although it sounds like you’ve already done that) and point out to him that the situation cannot continue. Tell him that you will have to cancel the nursery and he will have to look after his child if he won’t pay more. That you will have to sell the house and move somewhere cheaper if he won’t pay more. That you will have to leave him and he will have to pay child maintenance if he doesn’t pay more.
Hes not your ‘partner’.

Personally I'd get out now while you have the potential to start again.
You don't want to leave him, why?
You love him (what's to love about him?).
He's the father of your DD (he's financially abusing her DM).
You've invested 11 yrs (wasted 11 yrs more like).
You're in a committed relationship (nope, he doesn't even want to marry you, probably to protect his assets)
You own a house together (he's slowly screwing you out of it).
Imagine 10 or 20 yrs down the line and you split up, you're going to be left with practically nothing and more than likely not in the position to get another mortgage.
Don't be one of the many women on MN who live with and are scared to leave financially abusive men, women who end up basically fucked over.
What happens if you stick it out, imagine what happens when you get to retirement age, he's sitting pretty on his big pension pot and you'll still be in the same position now but with even less money.
In your position I'd cut my losses, sell the house or have him buy you out and use the money for a deposit for your own place.
You like your job and don't like the roles which will increase your earning potential, welcome to the real world (meant kindly), I don't like my job, most people don't like their jobs but we do them because we have to and we have / had to fit childcare issues around our jobs, it's doable.
OTOH you could apply for UC and child benefits.
Whatever you decide, protect yourself, you could end up seriously regretting it otherwise.

Your earnings balance is very much like me and my wife - I earn about 65% of the family earnings. What we therefore do is split paying for everything 65:35.

I do not think it is fair for him to earn 65% of the money and pay only 50% of the non-mortgage bills. Nor do I think it is fair to say that you "choose" to earn less. I don't think it is realistic that you could earn as much as him, and it is very unfair to pressure you into doing so or feeling bad that you don't. I would ask how would he feel if one day the shoe is on the other foot one day? Perhaps he loses his job and gets one that earns less than you. Perhaps he falls ill and is unable to work at all. Would he still think 50:50 is fair then? If not, why is it fair now?

On the other side if the house is split 65:35 and he decides to pay off his part of the mortgage in one go it would be unfair to ask him for rent. You are both paying your fair share, it's just that you do your bit monthly and he wants to do his in one big chunk. It's the total that matters, not the timing. Imagine it wasn't a mortgage but you owed £1,000 to a friend. He pays £650 in one go, and you pay the other £350 as £3.50 a week for 100 weeks. During those 100 weeks why would it be fair for him to pay anything else?

Hey everyone, I've read each and every reply and thought about your advice honestly SO helpful thank you!

Some thoughts:

• I don't want to leave him because I love him and he does make me happy in other ways, and we've become so integrated into each others lives and families. We share a beautiful daughter who deserves to be with both of us every day, and deserves me to try and fight for change.
• I have been very naïve as I didn't realise that not sharing finances depending on income when we first moved in together 10 years ago, would put me in such a tricky situation now. I should've pushed for it then but in hindsight, it didn't matter at the time, just renting and figuring out our careers. Now we have a mortgage and daughter I can truly see why it cannot continue 50/50, but sadly he has had 10 years of not having to and doesn't understand why all of a sudden things need to change (the 'family' and 'team' and one unit' cards just don't fly with him.)
• Yes, I knew what he was like all along, I chose to live with him, chose to have a baby with him, chose to stay with him and not be married, chose to get a mortgage etc... and not because I thought he would change. But because there are many other things I value about him and could see him as an amazing father (which he is) just not an amazing partner or financial match, which has been heightened since having a daughter. Though there are glimmers of hope, as mentioned he put £300 extra in the joint account each month whilst on mat leave, and now puts £150 extra for bills. Still not fair but this is a small change in the right direction and not a hard no.
• He would not agree to the 50% of our salaries into joint account, as doesn't see why. I then suggested 30% he said no. He actually wanted us to split all bills and mortgage exactly equally again, in retaliation. I tried to negotiate, as I understand it might be the mortgage / asset part he's worried about. I said that if he pays of 'his side' of the mortgage and hands over the rest to me (which was a suggestion of his) then the remainder of all bills / childcare / food etc would be split depending on our salaries, so I would pay 30% and he would pay 70%. He said no. So I then offered 40% me and 60% him, he said no and doesn't understand why it has to be different, and that I should get a job that pays the same as him so we can equally put 50/50 to everything. I am going in circles and trying everything humanly possible to compromise and it's exhausting.
• I did talk to my therapist today who thinks he's scared (I mentioned about his family inheritance battle and his boss screwing him over with money of the sale of his company) and that he might benefit from getting counselling. But, no surprise, I have encouraged him to go many times, offered suggestions, but it is not my job to push him to do that.
• Things are really on the brink of breaking up (wow, so much compassion now for those that go through this) but my last attempt is to give him some time to let things sink in, and I will read through your replies again, has there's some nuggets of advice here. He was only recently given a pay raise so it might need some time o realise why it's not fair (he was on 55k before).
• I do have a solicitors appointment set up to protect myself and daughter, and will not, under any circumstances, give up my job! He is still pushing for that to happen and I've done that 3 times in the past and won't be doing it again.

Cheers

As a very small win, you should at least claim child benefit and he can be responsible for the charge. That is money you are entitled to have given your wage and it is only due to his wage (that he does not want to share) that you are not claiming it.

If he does not want to do this as it is a faff then he should give this money to you himself.

edited to add: My general advice though is to LTB. Check what you might be entitled to for UC and child maintenance with the online calculators.

I think it's time for you to start wearing the trousers, so he realises what he could lose due to his obsession with money.

If he wants 50/50 from you, then does he do 50/50 of all other duties - childcare? cleaning the house? cooking etc? because he should be.

He sounds like a complete money-obsessed robot. I would hate to be someone who lacked so much heart. I think splitting would be for the best

Absolutely claim child benefit and him do a tax return.

Also yes from now on he does 50% of all parenting, childcare, housework, mental load.

Will that impact on his ability to work/his career? I bloody hope so.

so he wants you to pay 50/50 but own 35% overall?

erm NOPE?!!

can you not see how insaine that is? he cant have his cake and eat it! you either own 50'50 and pay as such

or you pay less

hes also a twat - hope that helps

This sounds like a really stuck position - he won’t get married or have a real partnership with you and you won’t leave so how do things actually change? And he won’t go to mediation/couples therapy so you can’t even discuss potential change. I think all you can do is be as cold as he is about it - show him the spreadsheets of what you can/cannot afford and also list all the child/house related tasks to split or bill for appropriately. It sounds like a very difficult way to live so I would take advice about how to protect yourself financially should he leave you - he’s made it very clear that he could do this - who cares who owns what part of the house if you’re planning to be together forever? He obviously has a get out plan so ensure you do too. Also please know that this isn’t typical! Currently my husband earns 100% percent of our (and it is our!) money. I mind our children. It’s our house. We build our lives together, not run a business together. Also it wasn’t clear but how in the world did he manage to convince you that only you should take the financial hit of maternity leave? She’s his child so surely he should have taken 50 percent of the time as paternity leave?

I am not surprised at the response @superwoman888 . He is leaving you with no option other than to submit to this lunacy and stay, or to split now.
I know what I’d choose.
Please take care of yourself whatever you choose to do.

You perhaps need to work on your self esteem. It's not normal to love someone who seemingly doesn't actually care at all about you. You can do so much better.

I think when you've been so involved for so long it becomes difficult to see the truth. You say you feel he is an amazing father, but many, many women seem to say that on here when the evidence suggests the opposite. Would you be happy for your daughter to grow up and have a relationship with a man who refuses to support her, shows little in the way of love or compassion to her and financially abuses her? This is the example he is setting and it doesn't seem in any way amazing.

This sounds difficult OP. I agree with PPs that he doesn't see you as a team.

I recommend Ramit Sethi's "Conscious Spending Plan". You can get it free at the very bottom of this page: https://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com/conscious-spending-basics/

You put in each of your monthly earnings and outgoings and it shows you the % of your salary that goes towards fixed costs, savings, investments and free spending. Maybe this could help your DP look at finances in terms of what you can each do (save, invest, spend) per month, rather than focussing on what you each earn. I'd guess your spreadsheet would show that he has lots of free spending money each month while you are struggling and not saving/investing.

(I have no affiliation with any of this! I just did it recently myself and found it a helpful way to look at my finances.)

You're on a hiding to nothing.
As he's so set on 50/50 remind him that's exactly what you'll be expecting from him in the care of your DD when you split.
I can guarantee he'll change his tune on that front then. Great dad eh?
Make sure your contraception is watertight in the meantime.

@superwoman888 I don't agree with the approach of your husband. But it seems you want to live a lifestyle you cannot afford. Let him replay the mortgage you get benefited by longer repayment and lower interest rate and pay the rest 50/50 but adjust your lifestyle to afford the the 50 per cent. He sees a healthy person who can have a higher paid job but chooses to have an easier less stressful job. From your side you can stress you are willing to make lifestyle changes in order to afford 50 per cent and keep the job you like. Hence you are going vegetarian for example and you will be buying only from Aldi. You can say how much meat you need for the kid per month and share the expense but whatever h buys meat related for him is his cost. Or you can say you cannot afford going to restaurants. Then you will see if he will be nice and start offering or not. Anyway if you cannot afford the basic expenses now which is mortgage and half of the bills how you will afford if you break up ?

Agree 100%. You must prioritise paying your credit card debt over anything. Live within your means. Should you eventually split he will definitely say your credit card debt is 100% your fault, nothing to do with him. You are like the majority of women who choose a job based on what they feel it's best for their child. Your partner doesn't see it this way and it's prerogative.

He is not an amazing dad. He just isn't. Amazing dads don't financially abuse their kid's mum. They don't happily set the example to their kid that it's fine for a woman to get into debt to fund her maternity leave herself and that it's fine for dad to hoard all his money while mum struggles, despite living in the same household. That's something assholes do.

Thanks everyone, some eye-opening perspectives here. Agree that he sees me as lower-earning when I could earn more, but his body also did not have to go through what I went through, so a change in jobs would tip me over the edge - it isn't just about money.

To give more context to this, I did change jobs twice in the last 3 years to earn c15k more than I am now but was extremely unhappy. I get alot of freedom and flexibility which has now come in so handy around our daughter which is vital when we have no family around (e.g. she was off sick with ear infection then chickenpox for 3 weeks when I first went back to work, and guess who stayed off). This was because he had to take unpaid parental leave, and I was luckily still paid (even though he can more than comfortable afford to take it).

This is why these things are so complex as there's many many things that make up the whole picture. For me it comes down to the way he's making me feel - as if I'm some sponge trying to take his money and 'wouldn't survive' without him. When I've proven a good hardworking partner who's self-sufficient already and capable of giving my share, and deserves to be supported in these early-stage moments.

But now we have her, and she's so young, this IS the best job and it isn't just for her, I love my job and team and am genuinely happy, that should account for something as if I were stressed it would affect the family so the stress appears in other ways.

Yes, my lifestyle is likely above my means, but he will not let me pay less on the mortgage because 'its not what we originally agreed' and is desperate to keep it all 50/50, so am kind of forced to keep paying a crazy amount to try and pay it off in 10 years, falling further and further into debt and taking 2nd jobs here and there (and have done for 5 years).

Sure I could spend less on takeaways etc and maybe that's where I could help myself. But I am resentful because I've given 10 years at 50/50 when he is the higher earner and never said a word, and now he earns double and CAN help, It's like he's withholding that to 'teach me a lesson' when it's simply not true, I just couldn't mentally handle changing jobs again at the moment as a new 1st time Mum with a 1 year old baby.

And part of me is angry I'm being made to feel like I have to when I'm finally happy, 33k isn't low-paid in my eyes, and we should feel lucky I'm getting that - I've gone straight back to work full-time instead of part-time which almost all women in my circle certainly have not done.

To add, I did want to go back part-time for 6 months but sadly he refused to let me put down the mortgage payments to do this and said 8 months was already enough off so I would have to pay for it (knowing I didn't have the money and he got a total of £115k with bonuses last year). Grrr again this builds resentment because I'm losing valuable time with our daughter and would save him money on nursery costs too.

I wouldn't lead this lifestyle if I was on my own obviously, and I have shown more than capable of being able to provide so actually he isn't teaching me anything, so disagree with that opinion completely. I also now understand a bit more why the higher earner should contribute more - because he has more disposable income he's more likely to spend more freely on shopping, dinners out etc, pushing the budget up even further that I'm expected to pay 50/50 on and have done for 10 years.

I am from a low-income background and know how to live more frugally but it's so hard when you live / have a partner who earns more and you get worn down from having to penny-pinch every single meal and every single big shop, so you just end up going along with it after a while.

A small glimmer of hope, he has offered to pay £200 extra into the variable join account we have (for food, petrol, takeaways, leisure etc.) but only on the condition I still pay the same on the mortgage and fixed costs (e.g. childcare). This isn't ideal as the whole point is for me to pay less and think that the money will just get wasted, and I argued and argued that why couldn't this same £200 be put to better use towards fixed costs, but he felt 'unsafe' doing that whatever that means.. and now because he's lost my trust, I don't believe he won't take it away. However it is a step in the right direction. Eugh.

should I still be paying 50/50 on the monthly mortgage payments if he owns 64% and I own 36% thought? So confused.

Wow that was a long post :)

I think you know the answer to that op.

No you shouldn't pay 50 50 when he earns more and owns more of the property. That's lunacy of the highest order.

You need to get yourself a decent bloke tbh. My husband paid for everything for a decade while I was a SAHM and even now I'm PT and my kids are 17 and 12. We both own the house equally and always have.

I'm not sure why you're staying with him.

At this point OP i would just get out. He is demanding you pay 50% of costs but your wage doesn't cover it.

He is fixated on this notion of fairness (to him) and unable to accept that reality is different.

You have enabled him to earn the whacking great bonus and wage by taking on the responsibility of looking after your (shared) baby and being the one to have a job with enough flexibility (and let's face it, often the flexibility comes at the expense of higher wages) to be able to take time off to look after your (shared) child. He has reaped the benefits of this.

To be honest, I think changing the ownership on the deeds was a huge mistake. I can imagine he has a spreadsheet with running totals in it calculating % ownership and when it tips over another percentage point, he'll make it known.

Life doesn't have to be this mercenary. It doesn't have to be so pressured or stressful. Please get some financial advise not just on mortgage payments but on how to extricate yourself from this set up in a way that won't result in him demanding more and more money from you.

Every time you update @superwoman888 there's more horror.