Tricky mortgage situation feeling lost - help

[superwoman888]

Hey Mumsnet crowd,

Lost and unsure where to turn, would appreciate anyone's advice!

Currently own a shared £306k mortgage with my partner / daughter's father (1yo). We've had the mortgage for 6 years: 3 years on a flat and 3 years on a house. He originally paid £18k deposit, I paid £8k on the flat and we paid monthly payments 50/50. Now that we have a house, it's getting more complicated as he earns more and has started to overpay.

He made a big payment roughly of 80k recently, and with the higher original deposit, the deeds were changed to 36% me ownership / 64% him ownership, which is fine with me.

My issues are this:

• It has always felt strange to continue to contribute 50/50 to monthly payments (I understand he put a big payment down but still feels weird I can't shake off why, especially now the deeds reflect his higher ownership) - is this right?
• I also am struggling to keep up with the monthly payments (and have done for the last 5 years so have freelanced and worked at events to keep up) but that has become harder now with our 1st child here, and less time and money
• His earnings are double mine. I could be earning more and he regularly reminds me of that but I LOVE my job and am happy where I am and although I'm on track to a slight raise in 2025, it's a small company and unlikely to
• He offered to pay off 'his side' of the mortgage now, and leave me to pay the rest however much / little I would like (approx £120k) so that we always own 50/50 share but am I wrong in thinking it feels weird for him to leave here free like that whilst I still pay especially now we have a daughter? Should he be paying rent? Should I say yes?
• He always mentions that he's saved me interest by making the overpayments and whilst that is true, it's almost like he is using that to try and force me into making the same contribution somehow, e.g. me losing money on mat leave

Other details

• Total monthly payment together is £1350
• We took a short term of 10 years with the flat, and now 15 years with the house
• We are not married and no plans to be
• Been together 11 years
• Have one child
• He earns 70k I earn 33k, and he recently had 80k bonus
• I have personal debt of around 6k, he has none
• We do fixed bills and nursery costs 50/50 and he puts £150 more than me towards variable costs such as food and petrol etc (recent change since he got a pay raise)
• I just started freelancing for him a few hours a week (I need the money, but also this feels kinda weird knowing our situation)

The problem now I need help with:

I want (need, not want) to reduce my monthly payments or increase the mortgage term to help with cashflow since we had a daughter and living costs are rising, I'm falling further into debt, especially after mat leave. He obviously does not want this as holds him back from paying off 'his side' of the mortgage quicker, and is dead-set on keeping the monthly payments 50/50 and the mortgage term as low as possible. No matter what I do, I just can't seem to get through to him and he's being extremely stubborn, and I now am at the very end of my ability to 'keep up'.

We're arguing so frequently about this and have such different views on money. We have a daughter and I will not leave him. I have sought out financial advice on and off but coming here to see if anyone has other ideas.

Cheers!
Superwoman888

You do realise that he will always be like this?

All of the nope OP. I'd get out whilst you can. Work out how much he would have to pay in maintenence as I bet he won't do 50/50 child care

@superwoman888 there is nothing about your update that suggests ‘a step in the right direction’

he has absolutely brainwashed you

All these long detailed responses are great but I'm just going to cut to the chase.
You are in an abusive relationship.
Leave.

I suggest you contact Woman's Aid. Agree with the above, he has brainwashed you. Your latest update is not a step in the right direction at all. He is stalling and hoping to get you under his thumb again. I think you need to see the horror in the Woman's Aid's counsellor's eyes before the reality of your situation starts sinking in. It's rare on Mumsnet for everyone to be on the same page. Usually there's at least one or two voices of dissent. I have certainly posted a lot advising women not to chuck the relationship away but work on it instead. It's doesn't look your partner is going to change his mind and you are already very resentful (and in debt). Every break up is difficult. However I think you should find the courage and leave. It's only going to get worse I am afraid. Once resentment sets in it's very difficult to break the cycle. And you have a very good reason to be resentful- your financial set up is very unfair if not outright abusive

He is so set on not being cheated out of his fair share he is cheating you out of yours

i think you need a brutal conversation about finances abd how unfair it is for you to pay 50/50 now and own 35% and the division should be that.
that your role enables him abd the rest of the family how is childcare and chores are divided and how he is prioritising money above family and his daughters welfare

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It doesn’t sound like he will change.

I think you know that this isn’t a ‘normal’ arrangement. You are a partnership, a team. It is grossly unfair for you to split expenses in half when you earn less. You should each pay in a proportion of your salary. You should have half the house too.

Is this the life you want your daughter to grow up thinking is normal?

Your update is interesting.
To be honest, if it was me I'd have walked out and see if chases you. If he doesn't and still doesn't agree he would rather worry about his bank balance than work together as a team and you have your answer.
Get some legal advice. Also consider sitting down with a calculator to work out how much you have put in compared to him ready for getting this legal advice.
I do wonder if he sees it that you waste alot of money so doesn't want to help because thinks you could cut back on stuff - he is going a dodgy way about it but it is a possibility I guess. It's possible he has forgotten what it's like to earn less money as it's been so long? Why don't you get him to live off the same amount of money you earn post tax for one month. Anything over that goes into mortgage overpayment. He can learn then what it's like when the shoe is on the other foot. This would mean eating food thats more on a budget price etc, and he will be looking a the price of stuff more etc, and realise it doesn't go far.

" I just started freelancing for him a few hours a week (I need the money, but also this feels kinda weird knowing our situation)"

Tell him you'll draw up a contract for the childcare freelancing you're currently doing with your one year old.

www.snuggleschildcare.co.uk/nanny-costs/

It's going to be £80k per year for your normal hours, plus he needs to paying into your pension and for holiday accrued.

£20 ph after tax for the after hours between 6-9pm and then from 9pm there's an overnight charge of double time. Weekends pay time and a half with public holidays on double and Christmas and new year you'll be on triple.

Once you've totter that up he owes you about £90k per year which unfortunately on his salary is going to be difficult, but the bonus sounds like it covers it.

Any extras like care during holidays then he'll have to draw up a new contract with your accountant.

I'm joking of course, this guy is taking you for a ride. LTB he's financially abusing you.

as if I'm some sponge trying to take his money and 'wouldn't survive' without him.

Work out your figures without him.

35% equity repaid.
Rent on a smaller place for you & DD, and all costs.
Child maintenance from him.
Any benefits you’ll now be entitled to.

Are you better off? If so, leave. Or at the very least show him the figures to get him to see you can and should leave.

You’re not gaining financially or emotionally in the relationship you’re in. You have to make the hard decisions. Stay in a relationship with him if you must, but don’t keep living with him - what’s the point?

I haven’t had chance to read all responses (read all of OPs), but the replies I’ve seen have been great advice.
OP I’ve never known a set up like this. I do understand that not everyone shares bills based on income, however, you’ve lost out financially with maternity leave and have a job that pays less but fits around your childcare needs, and this needs to be taken into account by your DP.

In your position I would start by paying % of mortgage payments proportional to the agreement on the deeds. Forget what he put into it and what he has chosen (without your agreement) to overpay. He is making all of the decisions when it’s your property too and that’s not okay.
I would then only transfer % proportional to income to the joint account for the other bills. Let him deal with the rest, if it goes into overdraft, direct debits get rejected, let him worry about it. Fact is he will not allow it because he won’t want a bad credit rating. Let him get stressed the way he’s doing to you.

Under NO circumstances reduce your % on the house deeds. He can’t force you to.

I recall a friend who had split with her ex boyfriend and left the property. Years later (after years of her not paying anything on the mortgage), he had to sell the house, and she got 50% of the equity.
Don’t let your DP fool you.

Please please go ahead with your solicitors appointment.

And it might not hurt to point out that if you weren’t together he would be paying a lot for maintenance and 100% share of his own bills.

I would definitely work out the figures if you split. 35% of the equity, would that give you enough for a deposit on a 2 bed home?

would you get universal credit? You would certainly get child benefit and child maintenance.

get all of this financial information together, get some properties in your price bracket printed off right move. Show him that you are deadly serious on how you can manage without him.

This man is a financially abusive twat.

He knows exactly what he is doing.

So many red flags...

He earns more so should be paying more, you should both be paying a relevant percentage towards your outgoings. so if he earns 70k and you earn 30k that means he pays 70% of the outgoings and you pay 30% of the outgoings.

If he suggests you buy better food he pays for it, if he suggests going for a more exxpensive car, meal, day out etc. then he pays for it. Tell him you cannot afford it. DO NOT pay equal amounts if he suggests it.

Why do you have debt? what caused you to go into debt? were you a couple then?

Does he do half his share of childcare, housework/cleaning/washing, house admin etc?

Why do you give him more equity when he overpays? surely the equity split stays the same, hes just overpaying on his half?