Tricky mortgage situation feeling lost - help

[superwoman888]

Hey Mumsnet crowd,

Lost and unsure where to turn, would appreciate anyone's advice!

Currently own a shared £306k mortgage with my partner / daughter's father (1yo). We've had the mortgage for 6 years: 3 years on a flat and 3 years on a house. He originally paid £18k deposit, I paid £8k on the flat and we paid monthly payments 50/50. Now that we have a house, it's getting more complicated as he earns more and has started to overpay.

He made a big payment roughly of 80k recently, and with the higher original deposit, the deeds were changed to 36% me ownership / 64% him ownership, which is fine with me.

My issues are this:

• It has always felt strange to continue to contribute 50/50 to monthly payments (I understand he put a big payment down but still feels weird I can't shake off why, especially now the deeds reflect his higher ownership) - is this right?
• I also am struggling to keep up with the monthly payments (and have done for the last 5 years so have freelanced and worked at events to keep up) but that has become harder now with our 1st child here, and less time and money
• His earnings are double mine. I could be earning more and he regularly reminds me of that but I LOVE my job and am happy where I am and although I'm on track to a slight raise in 2025, it's a small company and unlikely to
• He offered to pay off 'his side' of the mortgage now, and leave me to pay the rest however much / little I would like (approx £120k) so that we always own 50/50 share but am I wrong in thinking it feels weird for him to leave here free like that whilst I still pay especially now we have a daughter? Should he be paying rent? Should I say yes?
• He always mentions that he's saved me interest by making the overpayments and whilst that is true, it's almost like he is using that to try and force me into making the same contribution somehow, e.g. me losing money on mat leave

Other details

• Total monthly payment together is £1350
• We took a short term of 10 years with the flat, and now 15 years with the house
• We are not married and no plans to be
• Been together 11 years
• Have one child
• He earns 70k I earn 33k, and he recently had 80k bonus
• I have personal debt of around 6k, he has none
• We do fixed bills and nursery costs 50/50 and he puts £150 more than me towards variable costs such as food and petrol etc (recent change since he got a pay raise)
• I just started freelancing for him a few hours a week (I need the money, but also this feels kinda weird knowing our situation)

The problem now I need help with:

I want (need, not want) to reduce my monthly payments or increase the mortgage term to help with cashflow since we had a daughter and living costs are rising, I'm falling further into debt, especially after mat leave. He obviously does not want this as holds him back from paying off 'his side' of the mortgage quicker, and is dead-set on keeping the monthly payments 50/50 and the mortgage term as low as possible. No matter what I do, I just can't seem to get through to him and he's being extremely stubborn, and I now am at the very end of my ability to 'keep up'.

We're arguing so frequently about this and have such different views on money. We have a daughter and I will not leave him. I have sought out financial advice on and off but coming here to see if anyone has other ideas.

Cheers!
Superwoman888

It would cost him a fortune even if he has his daughter 50% of the time. He would have to fund the nursery whist she is with him. I think it's time to call his bluff. Whether your relationship survives this confrontation is anyone's guess. I still think it's not going to work long term as your resentment over the unfairness of this set up grows. You have been putting a brave face over this situation for a long time and tried to rationalise it in your head. The trouble is we are not in control of our emotions. Deep down you know this set up is unfair and not sustainable in the long term. If you have to split it's best to do when children are young and have no memories

I think his way of doing things is perfectly fine if you don’t have children OR you have children to think about that are not shared. But if you have a shared child/children and no others to think about, he is being unreasonable. All money in one pot is not necessary ( and I hate the idea) but joint outgoings should be paid as a percentage of earnings because you are a family, it’s not just the two of you.

Also to add, when 50/50 is expected and one partner earns a lot less money, buying a house within the lower earners budget is what should happen. Buying a property that’s only within reach because of the higher salary is obviously going to cause financial problems for the lower earner.

@superwoman888

I don't even have the words for how unfair this is, what a wanker he is & how much of a mug you have been/are being.

im sure its all been said by PP.

but just wanted to say..

he's doing a real number on you & the sooner you realise it and accept he's knowingly taking af vantage of you, the better.

you carried & birthed his child necessitating maternity leave yet expected you to carry on contributing 50:50

you contribute 50% to the mortgage but only have a 30something % share

he got a bonus and paid 'his share' of the mortgage down?

he doesn't see you as a family

stop enabling him to take advantage of you.

if you had ANY sense, you'd leave, but you won't. How can you share a bed with such a mean, financially abusive man???

It's not funny of him to call you a Golddigger. It's abusive, rude and untrue.

I had an autistic partner who lived with/off me whilst scrutinising supermarket receipts to make sure he didn't pay for anything that he didn't eat. He's an ex.

You could live separately from your guy and still stay in a relationship if you wanted to. You'd potentially be better off financially as you'll be able to claim e.g. child benefit and others.

OP, he’s a wanker and you should leave. However, if you’re determined to stay and maintain the 50:50 payments, you need a radical overhaul of your budget.

From your income, you need to prioritise:

• 50% mortgage cost
• 50% nursery fees
• your debt repayments

Does that leave you anything at all? I think you need to call his bluff about things. Don’t buy your daughter new clothes (for example). She’s got a (relatively) poor mummy so she’ll have to make do without this month. Takeaway? You can’t afford that. Do you do the meal planning? Unfortunately you’ll have to be on omelettes and beans on toast until you’ve paid off the debts. Etc.

I suspect this Prince among men won’t notice or care, which will give you a sort of answer. Or he’ll step up and cover more of your DD’s costs.

Another option is to list what “household management” you do. Do you sort everything for your daughter, meal plan, arrange and manage cleaning, bills, etc. If he doesn’t contribute to that (except financially) I suggest you look up what a part-time “housekeeper” would cost and charge him that alongside the freelance marketing work you’re doing.

Might be also be open to an argument that you take account of his mental health (issues arising from his autism), but he isn’t taking account of yours (wants you to take the v stressful job)?

OP I have barely worked since kids were born and if DH suggested that we change the deeds to reflect that he is paying mortgage and I am not then he would be kicked into touch.

You are supposed to be a family unit but he is acting like a rich single guy. It's nonsense. Clearly he doesn't value the contribution you make to the home and family in other ways and that's an issue.

Recently DH got a small bonus, came home and said right then, shall we spend 50-50 each or shall we put a bit in savings? The idea that he would be keeping "his" money separately to enjoy while I get by on next to nothing is just not normal in a serious relationship.

As a minimum starting point, you can claim child benefit perfectly legitimately, your partner just has to declare it in a tax return at the end of the year. Given his attitude to money you need to have that small amount of income clearly allocated as yours.

Other than that, I agree with trying to put financial valuation on your home contributions if you can. I don't know if I'd have the energy left to do that in your position though. Good luck finding some reasonable ways of moving forward, but do stick to your belief that things ultimately have to change quite a lot for it to actually work for you.

Thank you, you're giving me the confidence to stand up for myself again, as the resentment has built and built over the months. To answer:

• Yes, I love him.
• I do also get that being the lower earner it 'drags him behind' and I actually agree he should get more of the property if he pays for it, to keep himself financially protected if that's what he truly believes. Though conflicting, I don't think he will ever see me as family, certainly not financially, and I have accepted that.
• I do not think our problems will go away if this is resolved, because in his mind, he really truly doesn't understand and thinks its 'my fault' we are in the position having these arguments as I'm 'holding the family back' with my low salary. When in fact, he's holding us back by not giving what's fair.
• I just made him a very fair offer, I think. I said if we both put 50% of our monthly salaries (after tax) into the join account, that will cover all outgoing costs including childcare and mortgage. And if he saves up and wants to overpay, we can adjust the deeds so he owns more.

Lets see what he says!

Still not fair in my opinion.

Whatever works for you. However what about the credit card debt you accrued while carrying and caring for his child? Make sure your debt is taken care of in the final arrangement. If you ever need to go solo you need a good credit rating

If he agrees with the principle of sharing childcare costs, he needs to shoulder half the loss you made while on mat leave. You being on mat leave instead of working is a childcare cost (as well as being of considerable benefit to your family unit, if he when agrees you are one). Does that help with the debts a bit? Set it out in a spreadsheet and invoice him.

So you own 36% of the house but are making 50/50 mortgage payments?

My partner and I have 60/40 split of ownership and I pay 40% of mortgage.

I know this is not a popular opinion on MN but I think that if you share bodily fluid and produce a child you should be sharing finances along with the care of that child.

@superwoman888 I hope you will see my message. If my understanding is correct he is willing to pay all his part of the mortgage so the deed to be 50/50 and if that happenes you will be left with about 120 k in mortgage which you will manage as you wish and pay by yourself. Since all these years you contribute 50/50 on payments I think this is the best for you as you will get 50 per cent of the property and you will manage your repayments. Don't forget if you don't pay he is loosing his house as well so af the end of the it will be on his best interest to accomodate you in general in the future so you manage to pay. Also forget about him living rent free. He will not be living rent free he just will pay his part in advance. For you this gives you the benefit of less interest so you will be better of financially in comparison with him not paying his part now and continuing to share 50/50. Talk to your mortgage advisor please and take an informative decision. Now you are left with 12 years but you could extend it a bit if it helps . You can also fix for 5 years. Also prioritize to clean your dept as it is most probably high interest .

Other than that I see he already pays a bit more on the bills and with the arrangement you made he pays more in nursery. Soon the nursery fees will be over and you should prioritise again overpayments.

Make sure to make clear if you cannot afford something lifestyle related. A weekend away for examplr or if he wants a new car and asks to share 50/50 or a car that consumes more petrol as is bigger. You can say that basis your salary you cannot afford this extra expense and if he wants he can go ahead but you will not increase your contribution. Also don't buy staff for improving the house , kids toys ect. Since he has more disposable income he can deal with all these extras if he wants. And you can still bring toys but they can be second hand for example.

The fact he is autistic probably is one of the reasons the situation right now is like this but since you want to be with him try to find a solution that benefits you best for not separating and financially.

This is financial abuse. It also reads like he didn't think he should be supporting his daughter - after all this is about a roof over her head and full time care from her mother on maternity leave. Doesn't he want to support that??

I would just be saying no, that the arrangement isn't working for me & that it's fairer to come to a percentage agreement.
If he won't agree I'd lose him to be honest you don't sound happy in it, if it was a good relationship I don't think you'd be asking the question
*When he says blah blah he wants to go 50/50 because you can earn more, tell him you aren't though for the reasons that you outline - you are caring more for your child when ill etc.
Sorry I know I sound like it's easy & it isn't, but... I think you have to do this because he's a tight arse & unreasonable.

@superwoman888 I would suggest financial counselling as I honestly can’t see how relationships with children can work with this approach to finances. With regards to bills and childcare why on earth aren’t these ratio’ed according to your respective incomes? I can understand why people are pedantic around contributing to a house as it’s paying off a solid asset but your child is not an asset and considering women usually bear the brunt of career earning loss through having kids , the least he could do is contribute to nursery costs etc according to his means. How on earth are you going to manage retirement? Is he going to be retiring early and swanning off on holiday whilst you work until you are in your 70’s?

P.s.If nothing else changes or he will not talk about it and learn to compromise then I would also doubly ensure that EVERY aspect of your life is shared 50/50 - housework, nursery pick ups, time off work for child being sick , shopping for daughters shoes and clothes, food shopping, play dates. If such men actually did 50/50 then they would realise quite how much unpaid time women put into sustaining relationships and raising children.

Honestly, if you are my daughter, I would be driving up in the middle of the night and bundling you into my car and taking you away from him. Can you not see how abusive this is? This is not a partnership. This is not a relationship. This is him trying to screw what he can out of you. You deserve so much better than this and I don't know how we can actually make you believe that because you seem to be believing the absolute utter crap he is telling you.

I genuinely think he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong here

You know that most people who do awful stuff think it’s fine, right?

God he's a cunt, isn't he. So many women on here with just dreadful 'partners'.
You need to tell him you literally can't afford to be in this relationship. Because you can't. Either the finances need to change, immediately, or you need to leave a live a life you can afford without all this financial stress.
What sort of asshole sees the woman he pretends to love carry his child, nurture his newborn and is happy to see her get into debt to do so???

You don't sound like partners to me.

What sort of man let's the mother of his child drown in debt whilst on mat leave???

Does he contribute to your daughters childcare?

Ideally you should pool resources all in one pot then all bills etc go out of that pot. Anything left is split 50/50 for saving/spends for both of you. You're a team

Just from reading all these comments you should see what kind of guy he really is, just from the limited amount of information provided. I think you are choosing not to see it for the sake of your child and an 'easy life'. Is it an easy life though? It's clearly making you unhappy. What do you love about him? The fact he doesn't respect you and isn't supporting you, just supporting himself? Is this the role model you want for your child to think is acceptable in a relationship?

Is it because you are worried about being a single mum? Is that what keeps you there really - 'the fear'? It's quite a normal worry splitting from someone, however from this description it would be better for you long term!

You've put your career on hold for a child. His child.

He hasn't supported you and allowed you to get in debt, and has never sat down with you to discuss making it fair - instead says its your own fault.

You are both living separately. The lack of support he has for you is overwhelmingly sad.

If your friend come to you with this story, or your sibling, would you think it was "OK"? What advice would you give them? Why wouldn't you take that same advice yourself?

Bet he doesn't treat you or anything either as you mention he doesn't really do much for you? 😩

Even though he earns more

You could have still agreed to buy the property 50% each as tenants in common & the deeds should have reflected that, because you are providing for your child too..

You can claim child benefit, but not claim the money. This goes towards your National Insurance payments & towards your state pension & other benefits

Do you want more children with your partner ?

Even if he put 80k into the mortgage today
You BOTH are still jointly responsible for the remaining mortgage & interest for the remaining years. He cannot stop being responsible . You need to make this clear to him, it is important.
What happens if one of you get sick & cannot work ?

He is acting. like you are not a team
He is acting like you are not a family

Do you both have wills & private pensions ?

I would suggest taking some financial advise alone