Tricky mortgage situation feeling lost - help

[superwoman888]

Hey Mumsnet crowd,

Lost and unsure where to turn, would appreciate anyone's advice!

Currently own a shared £306k mortgage with my partner / daughter's father (1yo). We've had the mortgage for 6 years: 3 years on a flat and 3 years on a house. He originally paid £18k deposit, I paid £8k on the flat and we paid monthly payments 50/50. Now that we have a house, it's getting more complicated as he earns more and has started to overpay.

He made a big payment roughly of 80k recently, and with the higher original deposit, the deeds were changed to 36% me ownership / 64% him ownership, which is fine with me.

My issues are this:

• It has always felt strange to continue to contribute 50/50 to monthly payments (I understand he put a big payment down but still feels weird I can't shake off why, especially now the deeds reflect his higher ownership) - is this right?
• I also am struggling to keep up with the monthly payments (and have done for the last 5 years so have freelanced and worked at events to keep up) but that has become harder now with our 1st child here, and less time and money
• His earnings are double mine. I could be earning more and he regularly reminds me of that but I LOVE my job and am happy where I am and although I'm on track to a slight raise in 2025, it's a small company and unlikely to
• He offered to pay off 'his side' of the mortgage now, and leave me to pay the rest however much / little I would like (approx £120k) so that we always own 50/50 share but am I wrong in thinking it feels weird for him to leave here free like that whilst I still pay especially now we have a daughter? Should he be paying rent? Should I say yes?
• He always mentions that he's saved me interest by making the overpayments and whilst that is true, it's almost like he is using that to try and force me into making the same contribution somehow, e.g. me losing money on mat leave

Other details

• Total monthly payment together is £1350
• We took a short term of 10 years with the flat, and now 15 years with the house
• We are not married and no plans to be
• Been together 11 years
• Have one child
• He earns 70k I earn 33k, and he recently had 80k bonus
• I have personal debt of around 6k, he has none
• We do fixed bills and nursery costs 50/50 and he puts £150 more than me towards variable costs such as food and petrol etc (recent change since he got a pay raise)
• I just started freelancing for him a few hours a week (I need the money, but also this feels kinda weird knowing our situation)

The problem now I need help with:

I want (need, not want) to reduce my monthly payments or increase the mortgage term to help with cashflow since we had a daughter and living costs are rising, I'm falling further into debt, especially after mat leave. He obviously does not want this as holds him back from paying off 'his side' of the mortgage quicker, and is dead-set on keeping the monthly payments 50/50 and the mortgage term as low as possible. No matter what I do, I just can't seem to get through to him and he's being extremely stubborn, and I now am at the very end of my ability to 'keep up'.

We're arguing so frequently about this and have such different views on money. We have a daughter and I will not leave him. I have sought out financial advice on and off but coming here to see if anyone has other ideas.

Cheers!
Superwoman888

if (giant if) you want to stay and don't want to change job and want to meet his need for 50/50 does it work for him to pay 75/25 now and hence when he has finished paying his half you carry on with your half possibly over a longer term. He can't force you to take a higher paid job anymore than you can force him to take a lower paid job to slow down the rate. You could ask him and see if he gets the logic. A better paid job may not have given you all that child leave. I left my tight ex who also happened to be autistic btw.

This is not a partnership in any way, shape or form. A partner does not sit back with huge disposable income, to the extent that can throw that high of an overpayment down, whilst their partner is drowning and going into debt.

I earn 125% more than my husband, not including yearly bonus which would make the gap even bigger. Once of the first things we did moving in together 7 years ago was open a joint account. 100% of our salaries and outgoings go from that account. It's our money completely.

If we were to split up, I don't need a higher share of things. I will have financial independence anyway and if we split finances he would need more than 'his share' of our assets to make him financially stable on his own. It's important that we would both have a good base for our daughter if our relationship ended.

• in terms of pensions I have not even asked him as he sees everything as separate I've been scared to in fear of him calling me a Gold digger again lol 😑Same with a joint will for our daughter, or joint financial adviser to help sort this situation, it's a hard no from him on that.

• On the legal deeds I own 35% he owns 65% but I've always contributed 50/50 towards payments, just not deposits or overpayments (which sounds like this is correct)

• In terms of childcare payments, we live in Scotland so none available until she's 3 here. I also just dropped her days at nursery to save money (he will therefore pay more for childcare but I will be working longer days and 2 extra evenings to make up for it)

• He asked me this morning about my debt and where it came from and why I have it (he knew about it 3 years ago and we've had regular convos) but feels a bit sketchy as think he might be worried he will become liable if I don't pay. I've never missed a payment, but obviously, since being on maternity I've fallen more into overdraft / use of credit cards to survive but again, he sees that as my fault for not being 'more organised'. Oh and he did contribute £300 towards bills while I was off for 8 months but it only accounted for about 20% of what I was losing, and again, not having child benefit and 10 years of him paying way less than he should, I don't think it was enough tbh. And he mentions it so often I wish I never had, but he wouldn't agree to reduce the payments while I was off ither so was totally stuck.

• There is something else - he wants to have his own business and hopes this will give us both financial freedom in the future, for which he's said I could benefit too. That is great for him but not what I need now, and I think he's using that again as a way to get money / time from me now, so that IF (big if) it does happen, that I would've given him something back 'in advance' - that's the way it feels. That could be 10 / 20 years away if at all, and I would rather not go through the stress now, especially as he has financial means now and I don't.

I know these are all the warning signs of financial abuse as I write this, but the situation is, I've had support so know there are elements of that but I genuinely think he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong here, and has no idea how to change.

Neither of us want to sell the house, we love it and the neighbourhood is great, and want to see our daughter raised here. Eugh so stressful.

Feels so great to offload this here and talk, thank you guys.

I think you’re both incompatible.

He sees you as an equal partner in an arrangement with no allowance made for the little person in your lives, her needs (a parent around a bit more) and the impact of her arrival on your long-term career and earning potential. He doesn’t want to even up that because fundamentally he is not committed to the arrangement. Otherwise why would he not contribute more, or even get married to secure your position? It’s because he doesn’t want to lose his investments as he’d see it.

You’re in quite a precarious position here. What would happen if he demanded a new bigger house with a larger mortgage or if he wanted your DD to go to private school. Do you have any say here or just need to pay half the bills?

Above all do not give up your job! You need that security as this may only get worse I am afraid.

Are you named as the beneficiary in any pensions or life assurance plans through work?

This was actually his suggestion, but it would feel weird for him to live here rent-free whilst I continue to pay, this has only felt uncomfortable for me since we have a daughter as feels like we're going into lodger mother / son territory and think I would become resentful if that happened

Sorry you went through it too with autistic partner! He is an amazing character but will not be swayed away from his own thinking its hard

I was married to a man who offered to lend me money so I could contribute to improving the house, and I could repay him. Was married... past tense.

What is this delight doing with the rest of his disposable income? Holidaying alone?

Oh gosh, sounds familiar... He did the same to me with our car. TBH I haven't asked him, I think a part of me believes it's not my business, as long as we are paying a fair amount to our shared lives. I think he might be saving up to start his own business. And overpaying the mortgage. He also bought a new electric bike and apple watch whilst I was on maternity. I might add he doesn't do much, doesn't travel or 'holiday with the lads' or go out drinking, or rarely buys fancy things (the above is an exception) but has never been generous with money within the relationship, but I don' want or value that. I only want what is fair :(

Him buying an Apple Watch and an e-bike while you are getting yourself into debt to look after HIs child tells you everything you need to know. You have different priorities, and I think you need to think about leaving or this is only going to get worse.

I'm so sorry you're going through this!

@superwoman888 ‘It's just knowing what I can do (legally) without leaving’

Look, in this situation you’ve got just two points of leverage:
The money you pay, and the fact that you stay.

The percentage payments are a complete red herring- He’s stockpiling whilst you’re going into debt and filled with worry. Anything else is smoke and bluster.

First point:
Just stop paying for anything. Use all your spare cash to build up your savings fund to match his - then reassess.
Joint liability for mortgage and bills might work in your favour here as if he doesn’t want to wreck his own credit he’ll have to cough up.

Let him rage and argue - don’t respond except to say ‘I can’t afford it’

If the situation becomes untenable or he seems willing to be reasonable - move onto second point of leverage:
offer options…

1.Negotiate a reasonable contribution where you can live comfortably and build savings too.

2.Offer to sell up and buy a more modest joint property where your contribution is affordable and allows you to build financial security.

3.Ask if he wants to maintain separate households so you can find something sustainable within your income.

This is the hand you’ve been dealt or have chosen, so play your best cards and see what happens.

Personally for me, I'd be leaving. I'd rather be alone and not questioning why he's like this. He doesn't appear, from what you've wrote, to value YOU. This set-up wouldn't be right for me, and I think, deep down, you know it's not right for you. If you're fine with it, then stay, if you're not, sell up, take your share and get your own place and pop in a CMS claim. That's all there is to it.

I would also say push for an equitable arrangement or split when your child is young and will have little awareness of what it's going on. At 3 children understand an awful lot so it would be harder for her. Your partnership is not survivable in its current form. Once resentment sets in it is very hard to reverse and you have every reason to be resentful right now. Time to push back and fight for your and your daughter's happiness

Why you are absolutely shafting yourself like this over and over again is totally beyond me.

Before he paid the 80k off the mortgage I'd have "gone along with everything", got the 80k paid off while it was still under 50/50 ownership and then fucking left him.

This is awful. Why is he putting so much emphasis on what you both own? Getting the deed changed??

You are the mother of his child, presumably you will marry? Why is he treating it like a business transaction? He should be paying the mortgage for the both of you and for your life together. I cannot bear this "modern" or "independent" way of living, it's a complete swizz for women.

Ain't that the truth. I'm glad I'm old fashioned.

How would you advise your adult daughter in the future should she find herself in a predicament like this?

It sounds like you are a transactional family.

I could not live like this. It’s soul destroying.

In terms of the finances with the mortgage, he is absolutely right in that with his deposit & overpayment, if you continue splitting 50/50 he ends up with 65% and you have 35%, that’s because even though you are paying half of the monthly payment you are not going to pay anything close to 50%, so your 35% is correct. If you push to pay less than 50% monthly then you would end up with less than 35% because he would be paying more.

Financially/in business terms, he’s absolutely right to do that, it protects his investment and it’s what a financial advisor would tell him to do.

The problem comes though whereby you are a couple, you share a child, and it sounds as though you are still operating very much as individuals financially. That’s fine if it works for you both which for some people it does, but it doesn’t sound like it does work for you. I have to say though it’s one of those things where if he isn’t on the same page then there isn’t really anything you can do other than leave him, which may or may not be an option for you depending on how strongly you feel. The fact he is so anti-marriage would suggest he doesn’t really want to be “shared” though in terms of finances.

Oh this is just awful OP.
Do you love him? Do you like him, enjoy his company?

Have either for you made Wills?
Pensions?

I'm trying to see what is in this for you and I'm damned if I can find anything.

Sorry but he's a knob. He wants and has all the advantages of marriage while also hanging on to all of his money. I'm a high earner and I could not be this selfish in a partnership. I'm not sure how you retain any respect for this guy.

You should get tax free childcare in Scotland? If earning under £100k

My DH paid me a 'salary' for looking after our children. It meant I could make my own spending decisions and evened out the inequality

Aside from the fact that he's a bit of a dick, are you not paying off some of his interest? You could pay 50/50 on mortgage then 65% and 35% on the interest portion. Gets messy but you're at a massive disadvantage.

This is such a difficult situation OP. He does not see you as a family, he is only seeing what's in it for him.

In all honesty, why are you with him? If your worried about finances then bear in mind that if you split he would have to pay you child maintainable (on the assumption he would not be able to provide childcare 50/50), you would be eligible to claim for child benefit and you may even be eligible for support via. UC. If he earns over £100k, you would also be entitled to more help with current childcare costs.

Don't let him let you think that you need him to have a roof over your head.

I'm appalled at this situation @superwoman888

You share a home, a life and now a child. His determination to have a % on everything is to his benefit and your disadvantage. What is his suggestion with the mortgage - his name is taken off once he pays off what he has decided is his %? What about the interest accumulated on his "share" so far, has he decided he doesn't need to pay that?

The fact you went into debt on maternity leave, having birthed his child, and he bought himself gadgets and bikes shows that he doesn't see a need to pay for his child. Not really.

You say you won't leave him, despite knowing he will never agree to marriage which it sounds like you may have wanted and had to accept wouldn't happen, and despite his determination to only pay for himself and not as part of a family. Why do you stay?

He doesn't sound pleasant to be honest. I'm astonished that he changed the ownership % in the deeds too, how petty and small of him. It's the family home in practice but he clearly sees that he owns more of it. How much does he see it belonging to your child? None, because they haven't financially contributed?

Hopefully you find a way through.

I think it's more practical for him to stay with you, you look after the child and he has someone to have sex with, all on his terms - rather than you taking your share of the property and he'd have to pay you child maintenance. And at 12% of his gross earnings, even if he has his daughter for one night a week, he could end up paying you around £650 in maintenance per month. It's in his best interest to keep you in this situation.